Yet Another Holiday Rant

     Can I be very very petty and let out some major anger? Okay, since YOU said okay, I will. I know holidays are supposed to be recognized as a great family time and a time of thankfulness and such but I live in a different world. I have friends who all have great families, I respect them and I am happy they have that; I never want them to NOT have that.

     I live in a world where I am constantly reminded what true father is and even moreso what a 'dad' is; I also get a very clear picture of what I never had even for a second.

I try very hard not to be petty but once in a while (usually during holidays) it just hits me extra hard how the sperm donor (as my sister and I refer to the human who aided in creating us)  has messed me up in such a lifelong way.

This human has given me, from a very young age, abandonment issues and self depreciating feelings along with teaching me how to be completely superficial and just plain awful. A verbally abusive, historically physically at times and money minded in the worst way person has rarely done anything outside of throwing his money around to be anything positive in my life and as much as I need money, it's not worth any amount to give him any kind of credit.

And here goes the rabbit hole convo:

     I identify as transgendered, I am currently transitioning from male to identifying as female. And I believe that I was born prone to enjoy feminine things and my brain is wired as a female but let's pretend that thi9ngs like this don't happen and that it was purely environmental for the sake of this conversation. If it is completely environmental, then the biggest thing that affected who I am and how I see myself would be the lack of a father figure in my life.

At a very young age, around 2 or 3 or possibly even younger, it was integral for a boy to have a role model to learn from and mimic and ask questions and be loved by and laugh with and be punished by and so much more; I had none of this. Being frank and unintentionally mean, I had three uncles who were as far from role models as could be; they were all kids who did drugs and lived immature lives.

And before anyone says something, I love all of my uncles and think they all evolved into great people even though not all of them got away from things they needed to. Each one of them taught me something important and I'm not insulting them with any of this at all.

Who I AM insulting is the...let's call it a man, who had sex and created a life only to leave that lifeform (me) to the wolves. I'm insulting that human being.

     Well, I had that on my mind for the last few days and needed to let it out.

Social Learning

     So I've been thinking about how I react to confrontation, specifically confrontation that comes from leadership or someone trying to intimidate me. Right or wrong kinds of intimidation doesn't really matter in this context, we all have had times where someone tried to scare us with their authority but how I react is what I want to focus on.

I've had multiple times within the last few years where a boss has stood in front of me and point blank tried to intimidate me and my reaction has been one of an inability to back down or cower. I do not disrespect those bosses, I don't mean anything like that; I've learned along the way to assess the situation and choose how to not back down from a situation.

     One thing I am very good at is remembering embarrassing times or times I regret something, (I know, I know, I know everyone remembers embarrassing moments but just hear me out) I have a habit of taking a not-ideal time and applying it to future moments. You want an example? Alright.

I had the chance to meet one of my celebrity crushes, Emily Kinney, and while I didn't expect her to drop everything and marry me or anything I did want to leave a better impression than I did.

     The scene is set: I'm in line to meet Emily Kinney, I'm nervous, fifty people ahead of me, I'm thinking "what do I say?", forty people, I should give her some cheesy pickup line or have some fact about her that most wouldn't, thirty people, fifteen people, I'm trying not to look like I want to throw up, I get my camera ready and beg the guy behind me to take pictures for me, three people in front of me, I see her talking to other fans and cannot get over the fact that I'm about to meet a woman I have been obsessed on my 2nd favorite TV show and then...I'm next...I take a second and look at her with absolutely no words coming out of me. She smiles at me and I elegantly say the most poignant thing she's heard all day...is what I wish happened. Nope, that's not what happened. I look at her, take a deep nervous breath and blurt out...wait for it..."I'm a big fan. huh huh huh." She took a picture with me and THE ONLY THING that redeemed that moment was this, just as she was about to move on to the next 'big fan' I stopped and said, "Wait! Can I get a hug, please?" She smiled and gave me a hug.

     It was a cool memory, one that I'll look back on fondly...but it's also something I'll look back on and laugh at myself. How could I say, "Uh...I'm a big fan." Like, DUH. Of course I'm a big fan, I just stood in line for hours to take a picture with her!?

The thing I learned there was that I'm not good on the spot when I'm nervous and I learned to have a phrase that I can say to celebrities at Monster Mania so that I don't say dumb things. A few years later, I met another celebrity crush, Kristy Swanson, and I was probably more nervous then. She was so cool and I said, "How do you like this event?" and she told me she'd been to a few cons and that opened up a conversation.

I started saying that or something close to that every time I met a celebrity and that started a conversation, it helped me keep calm and not fangirl out. And that made me think about how I can best use that information in my daily life; If I plan out some little go-to things or phrases, I can reduce some of my anxieties.

     Now to bring the story back from the rabbit hole, I learned from one situation and applied it in the future. I'm trying to learn now how to take situations where I'm confronted and figure out how to handle them correctly in the moment instead of doing the wrong thing THEN doing the right thing the next time.

I know it's not some deep super meaningful nugget of knowledge, sometimes growing isn't all explosions and bursts of greatness all at once. This is something I've been thinking about for a few days and something I want to get better at, mainly learning when to be forceful and sound confident (I say 'sound' because I'm very very not irl) and when to be quiet and when to be loud...etc.

     Quick life update:

*I got my second dose of estradiol which means I've taken just about 3 months worth so far and I see emotional changes but vey very little physical...still. I have been really happy with how things have been with everyone at work and almost everyone I've shared this part of my life with, I love when people call me Layla; I'm making plans to legally change my name as soon as I can.

*I'm working on organizing my life, small steps at a time. So if you talk to me, I am always looking for how others organize their life in just about any way.

*I have been adding makeup to my daily life little by little and that's interesting. I want to murder babies when I get mascara in my eye but othe rthan that, I love it. It's amazing finally letting out the girlie side of me that I'v ebeen locking away for so long.

*This A.D.D. thing has gotten out of hand, while writing this diary entry, I did about 95 distracting things and thought about...oooh butterfly --->

*One final question: If I made videos detailing my thought and journey, would you watch them? Would you rather read or watch? Comment and let me know.

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.

Relating One Thing to Another

     I have always seen my life or my current situation as a metaphor. Usually, I used sports to describe life When I was very young, I saw my life as a mountain. I pictured this mountain as a thrill every second, constantly learning new things and seeing new sights. It was exhilarating even running into trouble because it only meant that when things worked out it would be that much more happy.

Every step and every rock was like new friends and all the possibilities that were ahead of me. I imagines being the hero of my story and it felt like I was destined to win the world over.

...life didn't take long in dismantling that imagination.

     A few years later, I saw my life as a boxing match. This one lasted for a long time and I felt like it was meant to be like that to make me stronger. It hurt that my family was so broken, it was like a very hard hit that nearly knocked me down. But in my mind, I was so strong, I kept positive even though my biological father never wanted me and even though I rarely got things I really wanted.
It was as if I was training for life's hardest hits, so that I could not only take the bad blows but I could succeed. Every setback only made it seem sweeter because I knew I'd overcome anything.

I  was determined, as a 4th or 5th grader to fight back with as much vigor as my movie hero, Rocky Balboa. I hoped my life would mirror those movies and in the end, I always expected to come out on top no matter what.

Then one day, my mom told me she was moving with her boyfriend and I had to choose to go with them or go live with the guy who had donated sperm, biological father. And that moment, while we were in her little red truck, I felt like I truly lost the match. I refused to go with either and lost control even though I kinda had some control. I lost the boxing match and that was over for good.

     Then I felt like I was in a hockey game, this was my favorite analogy although it was my shortest lived of all of them. I still had some hope for a championship in life, I thought that was how life worked. You fight and have passion for things, you try and refuse to give up, you do what you can to move forward and you win in the end.


That's life right? That's what I truly thought as a kid and teenager, boy was I wrong. In hockey, I knew what to do and how to keep up with even the coolest of people. Awkwardness only occurred when the game was over and I tried to relate all of my hockey knowledge to real life. Things like: In hockey, a stay-at-home defenseman let's the offensive opponent make a first move and reacts based on that. Controlling things when you're not in control. I tried to equate that into real life, so if I had an assignment I would "play defense" by starting it early and trying to finish it as quick as possible.

In hockey, you have to know 8 or 9 steps ahead and in real life I tried to think at least a few steps ahead. I became observant and pretty much used this for only very selfish reasons but I still tried to use the "think ahead" logic in real life. I always thought this way about things, "If I do this and this happens because of my decision then that will happen and I'll have to do another thing..."

     Later, I started seeing life as a hike in a heavily windy desert. I felt like I was lost and any and every direction I walked, there was the same amount of wind. Like if I turn left and started trying to push through the wind, it would get stronger till I just couldn't go any further. So I'd make a right turn and try to get out of that wind, for a few seconds I would get away from it. But not long later, it would change directions and again blow in my face. Harder and harder, whipping my cheeks and  causing sand to go into my eyes till I just couldn't take any more.

Then I'd go in the opposite direction, trying to go with the flow of wind...can you guess what happened then? Yeah...same harsh winds in my face till I just was not able to go on.

     The common theme in all of these is I usually feel like I have to fight so hard to do anything that even if I get what I want, it doesn't matter. For example: if I'm trying to go to a museum of some sort, I'll try and not be able to get a ticket. Then I'll get a ticket and at the door I'll find out it doesn't apply on the exact day I go...so I try another day. I buy another ticket and find out the appropriate days and get in, cool right? I'd find out that The ticket I bought is only good for the lobby and that I have to wear a shirt and tie, so I can't even do the lobby because I didn't wear a suit and tie. THEN I'd come back with a suit and tie, buy the better ticket and I'd read all the fine print...only to find out that the exhibit that I wanted to see so badly, the one that I had been wanting to see for a long long time ended the day before I even bought the first ticket. After that, it doesn't even matter if I get in...I don't care at all about anything.

     A real life example of a situation is the Jaws ride. I went to Florida, one of the very few trips I took as a kid...and now that I think of it, the ONLY trip I took as a kid. I went with my mom and her at the time boyfriend (who I was not okay with, to say the least)

So we go there and go to Disney, cool right? I had an okay time, I'm not complaining about getting the chance to go or anything.

I appreciate that I could go but I wanted to do one thing in the entire state of Florida that would have made that trip the BEST EVER. And I found out we were going to Universal Studios on a certain day of our trip and I was so so excited.

I went through Disney kinda like a kid goes through meat so he or she can get to dessert. All I wanted was to go on the famous ride that coincided with my all time favorite movie. We got to Universal Studios and checked out some stuff, which were cool...but I had eyes for ONE thing. We watched a live taping of (get ready to make me feel old in 3. 2. 1...) All That, the Nickelodeon sketch comedy show. I remember smiling and saying I was enjoying my time, which I was, but in my mind I was screaming, "JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE!"

So we finally get to the golden prize of the trip for me, the thing that had been my quest. I saw the line and was so excited, I wanted to cry or scream or hug everyone in the line. I could barely contain myself. So we stood in line, me wearing a Jaws t shirt and yes I even had a Jaws Fanny pack with a Jaws key chain attached to it. I was Jaws' number one fan and just standing in that line, knowing I was going to go on the world famous Jaws ride was blowing my little tiny 12 year old mind.

A half an hour in line and I was thrilled. An hour and a half and they put the movie on, I watched it with excitement. I loved (and still love) that movie so it was very cool to watch it while in line for the ride.2 hours go by and I watched almost the full movie and I watched the line slowly go down, I was closer to the promised land. The movie ends and restarts and I saw the door that led to the ride, I felt like I was in a dream as I got closer and closer to the entrance.

About half way through the movie for the second time, I was in the group to go on the next boat. I could have thrown up or wet myself at that point, I was so nervous. I had been wanting nothing more than going on THAT ride since the day I heard it existed. I thought it would never happen but I WAS NEXT IN LINE! My heart pounded and I saw Hooper get into the cage on the small tv they had and I thought about how great it would be to experience this ride.

There would be no greater moment in my 12 year old life as I watched the door open. A man stepped out and...

     "Okay folks, I'm sorry to say the ride is officially down 

for the day. We're sorry for the inconvenience. 

Enjoy the rest of the park and have a wonderful day."

My.heart.broke. There were no words for how sad I was. I became Sweeney Todd in that scene where he looked openly depressed while sitting on the beach and doing other bright fun looking stuff.
We went to other exhibits and went on rides and I doubt I uncrossed my arms even once.Looking back, it must have been really insulting to my mom and I didn't want to be but I was so so angry and sad and absolutely heart broken. That was our only day at Universal Studios so even if they fixed it the next day I would never get to experience the one reason I even wanted to enter the state of Florida.

Literally the only thing I thought about when I was told we were going there was that one ride.If it had rained and was terrible on the day we went to Disney and I had to get a root canal the day after Universal, going on that ride once would have made that the best trip ever.

But no. The ride shut down many years and I never had the chance to go on it ever.

     So I won in a sense, I got to go to Disney and see a ton of things that anyone else wold have loved. And I did have a little bit of fun before that...but...I lost on the ONE thing I didn't just want to see, I was dying to see. So I lost even though I won.

Relax? What's that?

     So you asked me about relaxation? Since you insist, I'll tell you what I do to relax. Actually I'll take a picture of my list of ways I relax.

Sounds about right Yeah, being refreshed or relaxing doesn't exist to me really. When I was a kid, I used to escape into hockey to get away from my immediate abusive and scary life. Hockey, while intense and mostly non relaxing, was a ton better than watching your family slowly kill themselves and realizing that your life is awful in just about every way. So for years, watching the Flyers, Avalanche, Ducks or any other team that wasn't Pittsburgh was my main source of relaxing.

     The only problem is...as I'm sure you said to yourself...that is NOT a form of relaxation. 

An escape? Yeah, definitely. 

A form of letting out rage or frustration? Of course. Who doesn't feel better after hitting a ball or puck as hard as they can for a few hours and beating up on anyone opposing you? Right, no one.

BUT...every aspect of my life outside of that was stressful to the highest degree and I had absolutely no way of ever feeling that refreshed life feeling. And not only did I have no 'relax' in my life but I was lying to myself about it. I convinced myself that I was okay for a long time and that stress wasn't too much for me. That was one of many lies I told myself as a kid that were slowly hurting me from the inside out. 

     So looking now at my life and I still have no way to relax, no way to calm down. Once in a while I look on eBay for some pill that fills all my relaxation needs or some DIY mixture of relaxation

1 cup Honey

1 1/4 cup vinegar

1/2 cup stress free gluten free peanut butter

2 cups water

Mix till stress dissolves and rub on eyeballs twice a day for 14 days.

I'm sure anyone reading this is shocked to find out two things: 1. that the mix I just posted is NOT good for the eyeballs and 2. nothing on eBay or any DIY site remedies stress, at least not the way I'm trying to look for. 

     I'd love to finish this with some way I've found to make things better but that's where it ends currently. I take days when I have no obligations and do absolutely nothing or very very little but that only pauses my stress levels, doesn't actually relieve any of it. 

To be continued...