My Journey

     Okay friends and new friends, I am taking a new journey in my life and I am more and more aware of what this means almost everyday. Even days when things seems molasses slow, I learn something new and interesting. I'd like to take a little bit of time and share a few things I'm learning:

     I am learning that transitioning for myself is something that requires a MASSIVE amount of
patience. I need to be patient with my close friends, with strangers who could either be intentionally rude or just accidentally say or do something, I need patience for waiting for Dr's appointments, for learning how to live the way I can be comfortable and a lot more.

I have always tried to be a patient person especialy when dealing with others and I'm not bragging here but I've always been a little bit better at being patient when someone else is involved. But I am learning how to stop in the midst of impatient situations like waiting for appointments or waiting for things to take effect and calmly let things come as they come.

     I am learning how to love. This one is hard.I thought I knew what love was and tried to display that, and sometimes I got it right but a lot of the time I got it wrong. I thought love was mainly
romantic and PDA and if you don't do that (especially if you're not in a romantic relationship) then you're not showing or using love fully. Before opening up about my journey, I did use love correctly with my friends and their families but not being in a relationship I saw that as a failure.

And through this I'm learning that love is a lot more than that, I'm also learning that I am not a failure for not being married. Love is a lot more than romance and I am a complete newb at using this the way I should. Loving people who may not agree with me, showing love to people who intentionally choose to be rude to me and showing love for those who don't understand are a few areas that I'm learning how to be better at.

Now don't mistake this for me letting people say whatever they want, I am a human being and deserve basic human rights just like anyone else. I also treat others moreso how they treat me with some grace because even rude people should get a little grace. Showing those who I think don't deserve grace is another area I am learning to show real love. And that takes a TON of patience (OH I read the part up above!)

     As a 2nd part to my last point, I am learning daily how people who love me actually do love me.
Some of my firends have been put in a very hard place recently because of my situation. Some of them immediately were on board with me and whether they agree with my decision or not, they didn't even have to think about whether to be my friend or support my decision or not.

Others have been trying to understand what it means to be trans and what they believe. And if you haven't read it, read my entry about being a friend vs being supportive because it is important to know that not supporting your friends when you think they are doing the wrong thing DOES NOT mean you're not a real friend. So the friends who are trying to come to terms with what they believe has been very hard, specifically for the ones who wer eclosest to me.

I bring them up because they have been very very loving in all of this and that's been amazing. I recently told a friend about my situation, a friend I thought would not speak to me again after reading the message I sent him. His response blew me away.

Once upon a time, when I thought I knew everything, I would have been offended and wouldn't want anything to do with you. I don't know everything any more. tbh, it would be weird seeing you as a woman but I think it is safe to say that it's nothing compared to your inner conflict. I'm not going to pretend to understand but I can at least understand that it isn't easy and for that at least I can sympathize.

This was his response and it means the world to me that a person that I kinda always saw as a person who has arrived, someone who doesn't need to grow or can't really learn much a tthis stage in his life has shown that he is still learning. And this is just one friend, I have been beyond blessed by the friends I have even from before becoming a Christian. I have to mention one close friend who I've known since the 3rd grade who again showed me just how great a friend she is, I told her and she not only accepted me as I am going to be but has been checking up on me and genuinely caring about me. I'm blown away by that love.

     I've been learning that this is my path in life, and to accept it and embrace it with God is starting to take weight off my shoulders that I've been carrying for a very long time. I recently started feeling a very little bit of emotionally weight kinda lift off me. It was a very little bit but that's a little bit that helped me and I am trying to learn what it means to accept what my life is and embrace that.

I am a transgendered person who has always been a peace maker, who has never felt like there was a place for me anywhere and accepting this as my legitimate path makes all the failures of not getting married when it logically made sense or not getting certain jobs that I took as a loss...etc. All thes ethings make sense now because I have chances by accepting my life as Layla that I never would have had and that feels weight liftingly happy. Yes, I make up words, accept it.

     And finally I've noticed something small but very interesting about life.
So I started painting my nails, usually some form of either pink and black, blue and purple or orange and black and I get complimented regularly from a specific type of people. This is not about race or sexual oreientation so please don't take this as me judging anyone, I'm actually fascinated by this observation and I hope it continues:
I've noticed that black woem and gay men say soemthing more than any other type of people. I look masculine so I get why gay men would say something but black women are always sweet about saying they like my nails and they talk about their choice of colors or what brand they like. I absolutely love when people talk about that because I absolutely love painting my nails and secondly because I haven't bitten my nails in months, before this I couldn't go 2 waking hours without biting them EVER. They're growing slowly, causing me to be patient but they are growing and I LOVE IT.

     Okay those are just a few observations and things I'm learning about my particular jouney of life and I hope that if there are any other people who eare on either side of these thoughts, they understand the other side and maybe learn a little bit from this.

Fairy Tales vs Real Life

     Fairy tales. We all like them in some way, right? That great romantic story or that perfect shot that wins the game or jumping from a plane and landing on a motorcycle, it's all fairy tales we love imagining ourselves as the hero doing the perfect thing. I do this probably to a fault, I picture myself saying the perfect thing at the perfect time all the time and I regularly imagine scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal in game 7 overtime.

Fairy tales are great and lots of fun but there's a different kind of fairy tale that I talk about when I get upset and refer to them. You see there is this idea of things we're supposed to do and it all seems good and sweet but life usually kicks in and makes that impossible or so out of the realm of possibility that it's at times laughable. I'm going to get into my view on God and society. So here we go.

God:

     God exists. You can disagree but there is so much physical and intangible proof that it's crazy to act like there is no God at all. But where I have a problem is there is this fairy tale life 'good Christians' are supposed to live that sounds really great, one that is physically possible. The problem I've faced is that real life doesn't allow most or all of that for a lot of people (myself included) There are some rules that you're a good or bad Christian, no drinking or smoking, don't have sex before marriage, don't live with your spouse or future spouse before being married and a plethora of other things that sound really good in order to be a good Christian. 

For the people that did these things and succeeded, I applaud you and do not want to endorse you thinking you're wrong or not lucky in any way. I am saying that unless you had a good upbringing and constant support, it's A LOT tougher to stick with this life style, sometimes impossible. 

I hit these little or big things that are like: Well that sounds great, I wish I could just live that way...but...the fact is my life doesn't allow me to do that at all. Living with someone before getting married is a big one for me, I have seen first hand people who didn't live together before marriage and they both regret that years into their marriage. 

Looking at them makes me think if they lived together for 6 moths or a year before getting married, they would have seen what the real significant other is truly like and they could have avoided the negatives of their life right now. 

I've also been in a situation where I basically moved in with someone and had I not done that, I would not have seen the real woman she was and  might have proceeded with marrying her. And HO BOY would I have regretted that move! She had the ability to make herself look like something she's not and I would have fallen for the face she put on instead of seeing the real person she is. 

Society: 

     Society too has this idea of things we should do that we 'have to do' in order to be successful such as saving $10,000 before dating someone or getting married (yes, people have told me this is the only way to have a successful relationship).

Another one that is being challenged currently in the right and wrong ways is that being a  common heterosexual who lives that perfect normal life. Yeah, it's the ideal situation to just be one of the normal ones but is it as simple as live tat way no matter what? And I'm not even going to get into the 'should I do this and not that?' part of this, it's not about that right now. But for someone who is trans or gay or any of the many other categories that you may agree or disagree with,  they don't always have a choice in feeling that way and living that way. 

If you've read any of my entries here, you know I'm trans and I have been trying so hard for so long to be one of the masses in that way. I've tried to be "one of the guys" so hard for so long that I came to a point where I just wanted everything to stop. There isn't an option for me to just fake it till I make it and the more I try the more depressed and suicidal I become. 

There's the fairy tale that if I just live the normal life, over time I'll be okay with it and won't disrupt anyone else's life and I'll be happy and become a Stepford human in a sense. The only problem is that's not working...at all. I have always looked at myself as a female who was forced to wear boys clothes and live as a boy, no amount of anything has changed that in me. 

And I know of people who are gay and have come to the point where they are going to either end their life or live in a way that they can be comfortable. It takes so much energy to keep up that facade, that at the end of a random day we can feel like we've been through weeks worth of energy with no relaxation in between. The fairy tale does not work for us, it's like something is broken and in need of repair. Sexuality and gender aren't the only places where society has a 'fairy tale vs real world' force-field up but they are the most polarizing i current events. I often feel the effects of many of them and I'm constantly feeling like the black sheep of society. Which is why this is even on my mind.

     Well, I would love other perspectives here. Do you see it as fairy tale vs real life ever? Do you think I'm just wrong? Let me know.

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.