A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Society's Game Changer

     Respect. It's a trait I see less and less in the world today, a trait I think we need to find a way to positively encourage in society.

     Something that's been on my mind for a while now is the respect we give to people who potentially risk their lives for their job. Police officers, fire fighters, security guards, etc. The people
who take on these jobs and others with their life possibly on the line deserve to get some serious encouragement in life.

And I don't mean to belittle anyone who doesn't work these specific kind of jobs, every job has the risk of something serious happening and we all need some decent respect or encouragement sometimes.

I work as a cashier in retail and if you've ever worked in retail, you know it can be devastatingly horrible to come to work and be treated like trash by customers and bosses and corporate and anyone else that decides to unleash their negativity on you. So people in retail end up taking a lot and could use some serious encouragement

Now, back to the topic at hand, respect:
     In every aspect of society today, we could all use respect. When dealing with spouses, talking to strangers, anyone who waits on us, when trying to change someone's mind on something...and so many more times that I see little to no respect where just a little bit of it would change the entire situation.

     I can't describe how helpful it's been giving respect out to my close friends while telling them such a big thing like that I am transgendered and that I'm going to be transitioning from male to identifying as female. I've tried my best to be respectful of their feelings and let them understand my situation fully without trying to immediately force them to just acept my decision. Respect has been the difference between losing a lot mor efriends and them disagreeing with my decision but still being there for me.

That's just one example that I'm personally going through currently but there are so many big and little times when respect can be the game changer in our lives.

     Anyway, this has been on my mind for a while. It's something I've been working very hard at living for a long time now, constantly getting better at respecting others and showing respect for those who deserve it or need it. And for the record, I am nowhere near good at this. I need more work at respect than most so I do NOT want to sound like I'm telling anyone else to 'be like me' in this area, I just want to share what I think about and where my mind is in regards to society. If you'd like to know more about what respect means to me, call toll free 1-800-R-E-S-P-E-C-T and speak to an operator today. Have fun, friends.

Both Sides of Misgendering

     I want to talk about misgendering and how we as trans people should deal with that.

     I have come out as trans about 2 years ago but have been trans all of my life so my experiences (while I acknowledge I have rose tinted glasses at times) are not minimal at all. I've known I was different since I was very young, maybe 3 or 4. I'll take this in parts, the positive and the negative.

     So  starting with the negative aspect of misgendering:

People often make fun of someone complaining about being misgendered, they treat it like they just made a tiny mistake and it may have only been once or they say they're only one person so get over it. Those people are right in the sense that they may have done it only once or that person is only one person but they do not understand that the person they misgendered most likely has been dealing with feeling and thinking like the opposite sex since a very young age and the grating factor of being called something they grew to hate gets to feel like torture.

While it is true that they are feelings and that act (even if it was said on purpose) is not violence, there are plenty of things that happen to us over time that become instant rage buttons. Imagine a boss who talks down to you whenever they see you; now imagine they see you only for an hour a day throughout the day and only for 5 days a week.

That's not so bad, you get through it in small doses, you focus on the people in your life that matter and deal with it...right? Yeah well, a few months of that and you start fighting back the urge to pick up a school bus and play batter up with that boss' head. Then longer than that and you have to fight back gritting your teeth when that boss talks.

THEN when that boss calls you out for not being respectful...you imagine ripping their eyes out, making boss swallow them and then shoving boss into a meat grinder slowly...amirite? If you've worked with a boss who is anything like this, you know that rage.

That is a close ans smaller idea of how it feels to be misgendered for a long time and a little look into why some people blow up even when it's a mistake. They have been dealing with it for a lot longer than you know.

     They also most likely HATE being grouped in with the gender you called them. I personally have learned how to not get angry and be gracious when complimented in a masculine way but it's not easy for anyone to just accept that over a long period of time.


     Now there is another side of this that trans people should understand and take to heart:

We are asking people to change their beliefs or lives or speech because of a choice we make (transitioning, not being trans) and that is NOT a right or something we should demand of others. If a person walks by me when I eventually transition and identify as a female, I will not expect them to call me anything specific. If they call me a man or dude, they potentially just don't know about my personal situation or they might not agree with my decision...or, and this is likely...they could just be rude/selfish.

I've met a lot of people  as a cashier that don't even notice that I'm human. And as much as I want to thunk their heads on the counter and yell that I'm a human and it's rude to be rude,  need to understand that they are in their world just like I'm in mine.

I have no idea what they're going through or how busy they are. They could have anxiety or they could just have been focusing on something so much that they forgot to form the words they mean to. I've done that so much in my life, I've thought responses and not actually said them, how can I get angry at everyone who doesn't do what I am guilty of too at times?

     Overall, our choices are not more important than other people's lives. If others choose to respect our identity the way we want to associate than they should be respected back and appreciated, the other people don't deserve violence or hatred or anything really. They don't deserve disrespect even, they deserve nothing. Ignorance is worse than hate and the best way to get back at someone who is trying to make you angry is to not be angry. That's how to win against internet trolls too, by the way. Don't let them make you angry by expecting them to say the worst and don't fall for it.

     Ok to wrap this entry up, I want everyone to understand where everyone else is and try to have respect for the other. It's always better and smarter to find a respect for someone else, even people who don't deserve it, in order to find a way to build a bridge some time in our lives.

I'm not advocating letting people abuse you but in regular situations and random little moments, we can both try a little and work together. Thank you for reading and please feel free to share my blog.

Fairy Tales vs Real Life

     Fairy tales. We all like them in some way, right? That great romantic story or that perfect shot that wins the game or jumping from a plane and landing on a motorcycle, it's all fairy tales we love imagining ourselves as the hero doing the perfect thing. I do this probably to a fault, I picture myself saying the perfect thing at the perfect time all the time and I regularly imagine scoring the Stanley Cup winning goal in game 7 overtime.

Fairy tales are great and lots of fun but there's a different kind of fairy tale that I talk about when I get upset and refer to them. You see there is this idea of things we're supposed to do and it all seems good and sweet but life usually kicks in and makes that impossible or so out of the realm of possibility that it's at times laughable. I'm going to get into my view on God and society. So here we go.

God:

     God exists. You can disagree but there is so much physical and intangible proof that it's crazy to act like there is no God at all. But where I have a problem is there is this fairy tale life 'good Christians' are supposed to live that sounds really great, one that is physically possible. The problem I've faced is that real life doesn't allow most or all of that for a lot of people (myself included) There are some rules that you're a good or bad Christian, no drinking or smoking, don't have sex before marriage, don't live with your spouse or future spouse before being married and a plethora of other things that sound really good in order to be a good Christian. 

For the people that did these things and succeeded, I applaud you and do not want to endorse you thinking you're wrong or not lucky in any way. I am saying that unless you had a good upbringing and constant support, it's A LOT tougher to stick with this life style, sometimes impossible. 

I hit these little or big things that are like: Well that sounds great, I wish I could just live that way...but...the fact is my life doesn't allow me to do that at all. Living with someone before getting married is a big one for me, I have seen first hand people who didn't live together before marriage and they both regret that years into their marriage. 

Looking at them makes me think if they lived together for 6 moths or a year before getting married, they would have seen what the real significant other is truly like and they could have avoided the negatives of their life right now. 

I've also been in a situation where I basically moved in with someone and had I not done that, I would not have seen the real woman she was and  might have proceeded with marrying her. And HO BOY would I have regretted that move! She had the ability to make herself look like something she's not and I would have fallen for the face she put on instead of seeing the real person she is. 

Society: 

     Society too has this idea of things we should do that we 'have to do' in order to be successful such as saving $10,000 before dating someone or getting married (yes, people have told me this is the only way to have a successful relationship).

Another one that is being challenged currently in the right and wrong ways is that being a  common heterosexual who lives that perfect normal life. Yeah, it's the ideal situation to just be one of the normal ones but is it as simple as live tat way no matter what? And I'm not even going to get into the 'should I do this and not that?' part of this, it's not about that right now. But for someone who is trans or gay or any of the many other categories that you may agree or disagree with,  they don't always have a choice in feeling that way and living that way. 

If you've read any of my entries here, you know I'm trans and I have been trying so hard for so long to be one of the masses in that way. I've tried to be "one of the guys" so hard for so long that I came to a point where I just wanted everything to stop. There isn't an option for me to just fake it till I make it and the more I try the more depressed and suicidal I become. 

There's the fairy tale that if I just live the normal life, over time I'll be okay with it and won't disrupt anyone else's life and I'll be happy and become a Stepford human in a sense. The only problem is that's not working...at all. I have always looked at myself as a female who was forced to wear boys clothes and live as a boy, no amount of anything has changed that in me. 

And I know of people who are gay and have come to the point where they are going to either end their life or live in a way that they can be comfortable. It takes so much energy to keep up that facade, that at the end of a random day we can feel like we've been through weeks worth of energy with no relaxation in between. The fairy tale does not work for us, it's like something is broken and in need of repair. Sexuality and gender aren't the only places where society has a 'fairy tale vs real world' force-field up but they are the most polarizing i current events. I often feel the effects of many of them and I'm constantly feeling like the black sheep of society. Which is why this is even on my mind.

     Well, I would love other perspectives here. Do you see it as fairy tale vs real life ever? Do you think I'm just wrong? Let me know.

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.