An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

Don't Die Yet, Kevin Smith. Please.

     Kevin Smith nearly died recently; a person I've never met and who has had no physical impact on my life nearly passed away...and it is an awful thought that I nearly lost the chance to meet someone who has inspired so much of who I am without even getting the chance to meet him.

     Kevin Smith, a guy who loves comics and hockey who made some great movies and made a few not great movies and likes to talk almost left this world and that would have devastated me. 

I am a person who has not had many friends growing up, I've been fighting depression and suicidal issues since I was at least 7, I am transgendered and am just now actually embracing my transition instead of hiding it and hating myself, I loved comics as a kid (I don't care what anyone says, Superman's positivity and innate goodness is and will always be the best), I found the sport of hockey to be my only escape from a jail of loneliness and a terrible family situation growing up and I have always had so much creativity in me that I couldn't contain it.

     Ready for the connection? Okay, here it is:

Somehow or another, I found a movie and watched it. It was about a few misfit characters who thought they were cooler than they were and kinda formed their own "cool" and bonded over comics. They were funny and the one character said what was on his mind in a way I wished I could (I was the opposite of outgoing or charismatic) and the other seemed to be a go-between from the outcasts to the cooler kids in their social world. 

Then there were these two stoner characters, the ones I had no understanding of or care to even see them. I was not and am not a fan of drugs and as a kid I was a lot harsher against everything involving glorifying of drugs (I'm not making any statements about that, I'm just expressing how much the least favorite character became a glowing inspiration to me in my whole life). 

Yeah...I saw Mallrats first. I'm the odd ball, big surprise. I saw it randomly and watched the commentary and learned that Silent Bob (the character I liked least) was the director. And I learned that he was hilarious. I loved how he could joke about himself without seriously putting himself down in a depression kind of way. In an hour and a half I found the very first inspiration this random guy created for me...a nobody.

     I wanted to stop destroying myself in how I talked about me, he was one of the first to actually reach me in that aspect. 

     I also heard a little of his philosophies, he has always seemed to be very fan friendly and like a real person instead of some Hollywood imaginary hero. And he seemed generous because he truly wanted to be generous. 

The second thing there has become a deep and very real part of my personality, I try everyday to help someone. As much as I hate when customers treat me badly and when people are slow or selfish and even when people wish me harm or whatever...I still want to make this world a little better than it was before I got here, even if I only help one person a day or a week. That has a lot to do with Kevin Smith and people like him. 

     So I watched Mallrats about a thousand times then I saw Clerks and LOVED IT. Of course, right? It's a cult classic and I couldn't get enough of Randall or the straight man, Dante. Then I watched Dogma and while I am not a fan of anything making fun of God, I can recognize the irony, sarcasm and hypocrisy of it. I enjoyed it for what it was. And a few years later, I started to see on YouTube more from Smith. 

     I found a clip at some point that could make me laugh even on terrible days, he heard there was a protest for Dogma and he went out and protested his own movie under a fake name. This dude actually went out there and trolled them right next to them and OHMYGOSH, I can not express how funny that is on so many levels. This kind of humor has shaped how I joke and the levels I try to go to to make people laugh. 

     And my favorite part of his humor is he doesn't target people or take any viscous cuts toward anyone, at least anyone who's not a close friend. 

     And lastly, he has done a lot to try to encourage people. That is something this world sorely needs. Go after your dreams, even if no one else gets what you're trying to do or likes what you like. Do good things help others, don't put others down, add creativity to this world, etc...these are all philosophies Kevin Smith has put out there and they are all amazing things to promote. For these reason, I want very much to meet him someday soon; I want the chance to tell him in person just how much he means to an outcast. 

I don't want this to sound bigger than it is but Kevin Smith has a very small part of helping me to not end myself, seeing him encourage such good things had a life saving effect on me, in a way. 

     Anyway, I just felt the need to put this out there and maybe hope he reads this. If I could encourage him in any way and return the favor even a little, it would seriously mean the world to me. 

In the unlikely but hopeful event that Mr. Smith ever reads this I gotta say this:

          Kev,

                   Thank you, man. Seriously, thank you. Keep doing what you do. And I don't care what anyone says, I'm honored to add you to my prayers ( Chris Pratt isn't the only one praying for you, haha) Oh and I'm not a fan just because you make movies so whether you make another Clerks or Mallrats or not, you've got a friend in me.
                                                Sincerely,
                                                            not your biggest fan but definitely a life long fan

Society's Game Changer

     Respect. It's a trait I see less and less in the world today, a trait I think we need to find a way to positively encourage in society.

     Something that's been on my mind for a while now is the respect we give to people who potentially risk their lives for their job. Police officers, fire fighters, security guards, etc. The people
who take on these jobs and others with their life possibly on the line deserve to get some serious encouragement in life.

And I don't mean to belittle anyone who doesn't work these specific kind of jobs, every job has the risk of something serious happening and we all need some decent respect or encouragement sometimes.

I work as a cashier in retail and if you've ever worked in retail, you know it can be devastatingly horrible to come to work and be treated like trash by customers and bosses and corporate and anyone else that decides to unleash their negativity on you. So people in retail end up taking a lot and could use some serious encouragement

Now, back to the topic at hand, respect:
     In every aspect of society today, we could all use respect. When dealing with spouses, talking to strangers, anyone who waits on us, when trying to change someone's mind on something...and so many more times that I see little to no respect where just a little bit of it would change the entire situation.

     I can't describe how helpful it's been giving respect out to my close friends while telling them such a big thing like that I am transgendered and that I'm going to be transitioning from male to identifying as female. I've tried my best to be respectful of their feelings and let them understand my situation fully without trying to immediately force them to just acept my decision. Respect has been the difference between losing a lot mor efriends and them disagreeing with my decision but still being there for me.

That's just one example that I'm personally going through currently but there are so many big and little times when respect can be the game changer in our lives.

     Anyway, this has been on my mind for a while. It's something I've been working very hard at living for a long time now, constantly getting better at respecting others and showing respect for those who deserve it or need it. And for the record, I am nowhere near good at this. I need more work at respect than most so I do NOT want to sound like I'm telling anyone else to 'be like me' in this area, I just want to share what I think about and where my mind is in regards to society. If you'd like to know more about what respect means to me, call toll free 1-800-R-E-S-P-E-C-T and speak to an operator today. Have fun, friends.

Being a Friend vs. Being Supportive

     So within the last year, I've told many friends that I'm transgender and that I'm going to be transitioning starting very soon. Very big bomb to drop on friends I've known for over 15 years and some people I've known my whole life. Most of the people I told, I had the chance to sit down with them and explain where this all came from. Just about all of them treated me very politely and respectfully, they all acted the way friends should when confronted with a wildly shocking thing about a close friend.

     If the story ended there though, things would just be boring. Amirite? Some of those friends have  embraced the side of me that I just opened up to them, they've given me tips on things and have let me text them and talk 'girl talk' which has been awesome. The feeling of honestly talking about things like makeup , nail polish and things I've always had to hide is life saving. One friend, who is not in support of this decision, even hung out with me one night and talked about what kind of dresses I like and what style I'd want to have if I were to identify as female.

     Other friends have listened and have given me arguments, things like nothing can truly change my gender and all I would be doing is faking or it's against God to try go through with this or that I don't truly want this deep down. They have some valid arguments, some have tried to attack me and drop truth bombs at my feet. I believe I've been respectful to those who have disagreed and I have listened to anyone's opposing thoughts on this subject. I never want to be a person who can't hear opposition even to my strongest opinions. The only way we grow is by being taught and sometimes being told your opinion is wrong, that another thought is right is the best way to learn. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that comes from jerks who always want to be right.

     The thing about both of those groups of friends, the thing that a lot of people misconstrue is that neither is being a 'bad friend' for being true to themselves. The group of friends that have been supportive have not been bad friends for helping me embrace something that FOR ONCE in my life makes me want to live. And the other sect of friends are not and have not been bad friends for not agreeing with my decision to go through with transitioning. Even if one or both kinds of friends decide to exit my life or to exclude me from their lives, it is their life and they shouldn't have to have me as a friend if it goes against their beliefs.

     I've heard a lot of trans people who have made the point that if someone doesn't agree or support them, they're not real friends. Because real friends support each other no matter what.Real friends support you...no...matter...what...
That sounds great on the surface, makes a great sticker or meme, but the truth is a real friend wants their friend to succeed no matter what, a real friend might risk losing the physical friendship to show their friend the truth. A real friend is a real friend much more than a superficial one. There were times when I wanted to die, I wanted to stand in front of a car or pull a trigger to end myself and there were NO friends willing to support me in that. They were good friends. They told me that was the worst idea I have ever had and they showed me ways to do better, ways to live. They were the definition of real friends. They did not support me no matter what. I'm glad they were real friends.

     My overall point here is that not supporting things friends don't agree with isn't grounds for calling them bad friends or for treating them poorly. And I think this needs to be taught to anyone who is not in the group of what society knows as more common or the awful word, Normal. (the definition of normal is average or standard, typical)

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.