Friday May 11th Thoughts and Updates

     OK so it's taken me a few days to work through some of the emotional things I've been going through and I'm trying to calmly assess my current life.

     In some aspects, everything is changing and I've come to a crossroad that will shape how life goes from this moment on; meaning that I have the opportunity to decide things like am I going to continue going to church even though it's not the one I've considered mine for 18 years

(the answer is yes, I just have to find one that is willing to accept trans people), how am I going to go about making new friends, what I'm going to plan for my future...etc.

     I do have a few constants that I've been blessed to have still, some friends who have not only accepted my decision to  (in my opinion) better my life but have helped me to be a happier person and helped aim me toward good things.

I also have some things going for me that, this is where it sounds like I'm bragging but I promise I'm not exactly:

          -I'm smart in some kinda important ways. I know I've been a survivor most of my life and have
been smart enough to find a way to make it even through being homeless at times and in some really scary situations and I also consider myself an intellectual thinker...well I've been trying to make myself one anyway. I ask questions that cause thought and a "think outside the box" mentality. As a kid, I ran from any kind of thought or work and have since been working on building up a work ethic and a better brain.

          -I've got a small and growing group of friends who I cannot express just how much they mean to me. The friends who have stuck by me even in my transition have my full and unconditionally support. I'm working on creating a new bond with old and new friends while still respecting the people around me.

          -The few things I'm confident about I know I'm good at them. I know that I'm a good photographer, I don't need to prove that over and over or worry because I know it.  I know I'm at least decent at making friends and being a good supportive friend. And to add on to this, I've always made it important to see things from other's points of view; something I think more people should try to do.


     And another thing I'm thinking abouty and working on dealing with is the future. The future...it sounds like something so small or unimportant but to think about it means you expect it and it can be MONUMENTAL or scary or...anything.

So MY future plans, which I do expect to attempt, involve travel and learning a lot. I am planning a trip at this moment (not telling where or when because I don't want to jinx it) and I am working on expanding my mind in a bunch of ways.

     Ohhh! And I'm working on writing a lot right now and I'm considering looking for ways to share it with the world somehow. I'm very excited about creating a world that someone could relate to or enjoy or like. More news about this as I get closer to something to share.

One of the best parts about talking 'future' is that I'm planning it and hoping for it and wanting to see what's next. For a long time I didn't think I'd see 29 or 36 or anyhting worth seeing in the future. Progress of the mind.

     Because I'm terrible at finishing anything, I'm just going to stop here and ask for your prayers and thoughts and good vibes. Thanks.

Being a Friend vs. Being Supportive

     So within the last year, I've told many friends that I'm transgender and that I'm going to be transitioning starting very soon. Very big bomb to drop on friends I've known for over 15 years and some people I've known my whole life. Most of the people I told, I had the chance to sit down with them and explain where this all came from. Just about all of them treated me very politely and respectfully, they all acted the way friends should when confronted with a wildly shocking thing about a close friend.

     If the story ended there though, things would just be boring. Amirite? Some of those friends have  embraced the side of me that I just opened up to them, they've given me tips on things and have let me text them and talk 'girl talk' which has been awesome. The feeling of honestly talking about things like makeup , nail polish and things I've always had to hide is life saving. One friend, who is not in support of this decision, even hung out with me one night and talked about what kind of dresses I like and what style I'd want to have if I were to identify as female.

     Other friends have listened and have given me arguments, things like nothing can truly change my gender and all I would be doing is faking or it's against God to try go through with this or that I don't truly want this deep down. They have some valid arguments, some have tried to attack me and drop truth bombs at my feet. I believe I've been respectful to those who have disagreed and I have listened to anyone's opposing thoughts on this subject. I never want to be a person who can't hear opposition even to my strongest opinions. The only way we grow is by being taught and sometimes being told your opinion is wrong, that another thought is right is the best way to learn. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes that comes from jerks who always want to be right.

     The thing about both of those groups of friends, the thing that a lot of people misconstrue is that neither is being a 'bad friend' for being true to themselves. The group of friends that have been supportive have not been bad friends for helping me embrace something that FOR ONCE in my life makes me want to live. And the other sect of friends are not and have not been bad friends for not agreeing with my decision to go through with transitioning. Even if one or both kinds of friends decide to exit my life or to exclude me from their lives, it is their life and they shouldn't have to have me as a friend if it goes against their beliefs.

     I've heard a lot of trans people who have made the point that if someone doesn't agree or support them, they're not real friends. Because real friends support each other no matter what.Real friends support you...no...matter...what...
That sounds great on the surface, makes a great sticker or meme, but the truth is a real friend wants their friend to succeed no matter what, a real friend might risk losing the physical friendship to show their friend the truth. A real friend is a real friend much more than a superficial one. There were times when I wanted to die, I wanted to stand in front of a car or pull a trigger to end myself and there were NO friends willing to support me in that. They were good friends. They told me that was the worst idea I have ever had and they showed me ways to do better, ways to live. They were the definition of real friends. They did not support me no matter what. I'm glad they were real friends.

     My overall point here is that not supporting things friends don't agree with isn't grounds for calling them bad friends or for treating them poorly. And I think this needs to be taught to anyone who is not in the group of what society knows as more common or the awful word, Normal. (the definition of normal is average or standard, typical)