An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

November 16 2017 Update

     Today, November 16th 2017, marks 9 days on estradiol. And while I'd love to say that things have been great and easy, outside situations have made the last 2 weeks an absolutely nioghtmare so I've kinda been so side tracked that I haven't really paid much attention to what small changes have been happening or how I've felt.

Moving:
     So just under 2 weeks ago I moved from the place I was dwelling in and that was rough. I'm not going to go too much into the 'why' but it was not cool and I was faced with having to move asap. So I really tried to focus on ignoring my emotions and working on finding a new place instead of freaking out about how that task has not been easy for me over the last 1 and a half years. (I've moved about every 6 months since May of 2016)

So I LUCKILY found a place and met with a woman who had a room to rent. I moved in and two days later, I was told it wasn't working out and I had to move out...again. For those of you keeping score, that's

Moving: 3

Me: 0

in one week's time, since I had to be out of there. Not my favorite thing to do and so I found ANOTHER place to live, thanks to the prayers of friends. That's one of the biggest things really weighing on me over the last few weeks.

Depression:

     With that going on and affecting my every waking moment, I have been fighting depression very very hard, the thought of giving up was right in my face and I even tried to give up a few times.

Now, I'm going to share something I'm not proud of and I am glad it didn't turn out the way it could have but it's the harsh truth and it's what happens when depression takes over. There was a day when I first found out I had to move and I was emailing many places about renting a room and not getting any responses. The woman I was staying with was putting pressure on me to move out and that was making me just feel so much worse.

     The last straw that night was the fact that I thought I had a place. It was a great price and in my area, the guy said I could move in on a Sunday, he just had to clear up like one or two things before I moved in...but... there's always a but...I called him that Sunday and he made some excuse why I couldn';t move in and he rejected me. I was so angry and so desperately sad and so hopeless that I took a walk and yelled at life or God or whatever.

I got to a parking lot that was dark and got on my knees very much in a dangerous spot; I knelt there and cried and waited and was giving up. I looked up at the sky and yelled that I wanted it all to just be over already. Just thern I saw a truck roaring toward me. It had to turn around to be driving at me and did, I watche dit come fast and the headlights covered me in light as it got close. I felt my knee jolt but as I was about to move out of danger, I stopped myself and just sat there. With tears making my face freeze, I waited and hoped the truck wouldn't stop. It didn't even come within 20 feet of me but it felt like it was inches from my body and I was heart broken that the truck turned and lef tthe parking lot. I was so so empty that night, so unable to even know what to do...

I'm not happy about any of that but I also need this to be a completely honest account of everything and that was exactly how things went down. I wanted to stop having to fight through every single thing that I could possibly have to fight through.

     Enough of the negative though, here are the few positive things that have been existant:

1. I have been taking estradiol for 9 days. I found out I have very very low testosterone levels, well below normal males, so I wasn't prescribed any kind of blocker. I thought that was kinda weird because without getting specific, everythig works very well for me so even my Dr was surprised about that. I don't know what the numbers represent exactly but to give you an idea:

Normal male testosterone levels are between 215-270 and I came in at 168.




     Anyway, after 9 days, I am starting to experience slight breast growth and different sensations. I was told my emotions would go crazy and I'd possibly be moody or overemotional but so far the meds have kinda calmed me down in a way, although I've been dealing with the height of fear and stress with the potential homelessness and being constantly facing the worst of seemingly everything I did and everyone I talked to. That's not even including the customers at work, which were just beyond rude and mean lately. So that's a...not bad thing, I suppose.

I've been telling more and more friends and have been accepted for the real me, I have been absolutely blown away by friends who I thought would not even care enough to respond or anything who not only accepted me as a friend but have been keeping up with me and offered suport and love.
To thos eof you who are a part of that, you know who you are, I want you to know something specific:

   You would never have been the reason if I had taken my life at 

any point but you are definitaly the reason my life feels worth 

something now. I can't thank you enough for what you have 

given me in your friendship and support, whether you agree or not.

     And I did figure out my living situation, after staring into the face of hopelessness I found an old friend/landlord who helped out with a plan and a place to live near my friends and my church.



...normally I'd end it there but there are two ironies and a sad thing about today.

     Irony #1: So I figured out my living situation, it turns out I'm going to be moving two houses away from a perosn who used to be a very good friend. Someone who screwed me over and created lies about me and tried to spread them to some friends. This person is not worth naming but I'm not sure if I'm annoyed that I'm going to see said person at some point or if it's funny that this person is going to have to see me possibly regularly. And I plan on staying there for some time so
     Irony #2: The guy who used to be my landlord and who is again reminds me of my Uncle. Like, in every single way. He acts like Uncle Mike, talks like him, he's nice and helpful and thoughtful the way Uncle Mike was, his mannerisms are so similar that I talk to him and it's like Uncle Mike is with me in a way.

And today, November 16th marks 5 years since I got a call from my Aunt, a call that changed my life and left me a hole that would and will bnever be filled again. 5 years ago, I found out my Uncle Mike took his life and that I'd never hear his voice in person again or get a call from him or ge tto tell him things that happen in my life ever again. I have not gone one minute without feeling the effects of his suicide and I never will as long as I live. I still love my Uncle as much as anyone can love a fmaily member and it's always going to be harder here without him. He was an asset to this world (even though he wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination) and he is sorely missed.

RIP Michael Patrick Bossler1966-2012