Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

The House is Burning Around Me...But I'm Fine...Right??!

     It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

     Context:

Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.

Over a relatively short time:
     - a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.

     - I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and  between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)

     I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.

     It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.

     I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.)  I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.

I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.

     That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.

Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.

Lingering Downs Through Overall Progress

     So I think I've made some progress with getting through a few of my mental blocks and depression issues over the last few years. I've been working very hard at dissecting why I think the way I think and what causes me to react negatively...and sometimes even knowing all I have learned, I still fall into depressions.

I'd love to truthfully write that I've made huge strides and have conquered depression, suicidal thoughts...problems, really. But then I find myself feeling so down and so impossibly buried in all that life and the world can throw at me to keep me down that I'm not able to fight it all.

Right now in life, there are some positive things in my life that I can look at and see physical improvements; I've come a very long way in certain areas and have indeed survived some really truly harsh and awful things and I'm in a better place than I deserve to be or could be. But...I still look around and don't see  a way to get better in some areas that I just need to be better in.

Emotionally:

     I used to keep quiet and if I needed something desperately, I kept quiet. Not that I wanted to be silent but it was as if I had a metal bar over my mouth and I just couldn't muster any voice to make sound. I didn't know why I felt that way but I knew that  I regretted every single time I didn't speak up when I should have.

Whether it was something important like needing glasses as a kid or I wanted to choose something for myself when given a choice of something (Like if someone gave me a choice of drink, I took whatever they handed me even if I hated it)

I have fought very very hard to stop being this way and within the last maybe 5 years find myself sometimes saying to much, accepting that I'd rather say something and take it back then not say anything and think about what I wanted to say for weeks.

Spiritually: 

     God has been a major part of my life since I was 19 when I found the church I still go to currently. I didn't care if God existed when I was young, I just wanted to not be where or who I was; that was my selfish and only care. I mean I wanted stuff selfishly but my only deep wish wasn't to learn or grow or be smart or give God a chance, I just wanted to leave where I was or the person I was becoming.

At 19-20, I learned that God exists and He has a lot more planned for people than I thought. My eyes were opened to the fact that things have deeper meanings or destinies and I might possibly have some kind of destiny of my own...mind blown.

It wasn't long after that when I started seeing a lot of very disturbing terrible things and realized just how bad I must have been, like God must have been either punishing me or not liked me very much. I often referred to myself as the butt of God's jokes when thinking of my metaphorical existence.

It wasn't until very recently that I even started to chip away at the negative philosophies I put on God. I'm currently trying to get all the bad stuff that happens to me off God's shoulders and take in only
the good things that happen. Praying to thank God for every little thing that happens and ask Him to help me accept the bad things I can't change or fix.

I'm trying to learn the balance between knowing God and powers that are above what we see here on earth and realistic logical physics. It's not always easy to understand that there is more than we see but some stuff needs to be seen to be believed. To truly and unbiasedly try to understand this can get very very deep.

Physically: 

     Obviously my body is changing right now, I've been on hormones (estrogen) since January and there are/will be some major changes but the intangible physical changes about me are bigger. I'm a different person in every way and the mental or emotional is starting to have physical effects.

My mannerisms have been a huge part of who I am, my awkward movements and my unconfident little actions have defined how I feel or think of myself for as long as I can remember. One example is nail biting, I've been a nail biter since before I can remember and besides when I have to, I've been a non-nail biter for a few months (I say when I have to because a few times I've caught my nail on something at work and either had to bite til it was even or potentially rip it badly on random stuff)

So while I'm proud that I have been doing better at not nail biting, it leaves a huge hole in my mannerism that I don't know what to do with. It's like taking Internet away from anti social people; you can take that away but it wasn't that they were addicted to the Internet or their phones, it was that they felt awkward and needed to hide behind something. I'm now sometimes catching myself just standing there feeling even more awkward than before. That's a good thing even though it sounds negative, eventually I'll learn how to do something better.

Here's a bonus physical/emotional thing: I love when people call me Layla. Like I want to be talked to or noticed just because I want to hear people use my name as opposed to when I wanted to be invisible just because I knew they'd use my name and I just felt rage, sadness or insecurity just by hearing it

     I wrote all that to set up my reason for thinking about the stuff I am thinking about right now, I have been falling into a shell of depression lately even though I've come so far. I'm trying to dissect this and fight it but I can't quite get out of it. It's similar to when you're half asleep but trying to be wide awake and alert. It's not as powerful as before but seems to linger longer with me.

I'm trying though...I promise.

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Anxiety, Birthdays and Positivie Thinking

     Hello, again. Thank you for visiting this blog, I will be your tour guide through the mind of Layla Lee Gilmore. Please hold any questions for the comments section and we must insist, no eating while in her brain. Crumbs may affect brain cells. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

     Alright so I'm gonna jump right in, I've been dealing with anxiety at very high levels lately. Very. High. It's becoming very hard to keep my emotions under control and mainly in certain areas mentally. I've been able to handle things like being patient with people who are not accepting of my transition or when it comes to waiting for the train to come but when it comes to things like me wanting to perform a certain act and unable to do it in the time I need to. or if I have to leave work and my coworker is late, those situations have become so much worse emotionally.

     I'll give you an example of something that has really been draining emotionally for me:
I was at work, I'm a cashier, and a person I used to know came in. Now the last time I saw this person, I was being yelled at threatened and had to call the police to assess the situation; said person came in and got what they needed to get.

In my mind, I went through a thousand different scenarios of what was going to happen when they got in line.The person was polite and said hello, which I wasn't expecting, then I did my job and was polite back. This whole thing took about 9 minutes from the moment they walked in till the moment they left and afterward I felt like I had run a marathon.

     My emotions in that situation (or non situation) just blew me away at how my overthinking and over...fearing, I guess you could call it were so  encompassing that I physically felt drained. Not exactly like the same as running a marathon but draining nonetheless. I've hit a few situations like this that have drained me more lately than in a long while.

Michael Patrick Bossler

     And now for birthdays...oh birthday, how you never want to leave me alone. I am not a fan of my birthday and I don;rt know how to deal with it or come to terms with it. To explain that, my uncle Mike never missed my birthday, not when I had nowhere to live or when I was at my biological father's or when I was at Bible college. No matter what was going on he called me or visited and I counted on that, he was the only reason so many times that I even cared about celebrating my birthday.

All that ended in November of 2012, he took his life and with it he took a giant piece of my heart. The last serious attempt to take my own life was the birthday after that and I created a short film depicting that night
(trigger warning: suicidal issues confronted in this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQfpNVVl7gE

     Anyway, ever since November of 2012, I hurt the most during my recognized day of birth and it seems to be harder each year. I remember a time when I had been sleeping in a baseball field in Camden for a few weeks, things were really bad and I barely had any food to eat throughout that whole and on my bd, he got in touch with me and sent me some money. It wasn't about the money that made me feel so much better, it was that he cared enough to find me and he wanted to help.

And on my bd in 2013, my friends tried to do something nice and people tried to say something on facebook and that was very nice but I needed to hear from the only person who has ever made the word 'family' not feel horrible...the only person I couldn't hear from.

   To this day, it hurts to go through that day every year and I don't even know how to pretend to be okay on that day. I guess that's one of my dark days. My uncle's passing anniversary is another and his birthday is although I'm trying to make that a good one. So if you know me and want to do something for my bd, here's steps to actually be positive:

1. Do not leave a comment about  the day I was born on my birth anniversary. You can feel good about yourself while hurting me at the same time or you could just not.

2. Pick a random day in the summer and do something nice like draw me a picture or buy me a piece of cake but don't say why. The summer is a long and at times grueling season for me and I'm sure I'll forget I wrote this by then so I won't be affected in this way if you do something nice for me. DO NOT SAY HAPPY B******Y TO ME THOUGH.

3. I love chocolate chip cookies or strawberry flavored cake...or limes if you want to be a little healthier. Also I don't want to sound like I expect or deserve things that take your money, seriously the most meaningful things I own and hold onto are things that took way more thought than money. I have a friend who made me a poster by gluing crayons to a canvas and used a blow dryer to melt them in a rainbow. I will never choose to get rid of that ever. It took thought to make something for me and that is more valuable than anything she could have  bought me.

     And finally, I have been trying a lot more to be positive in my thinking. I've been working on being grateful for specifically small and daily things that I have made a habit of ignoring because my life sucks.

Every morning I've been reminding myself of the good things that happen to me and I've been praying thankful prayers for those things and for the people in my life that mean something to me. Doing this has had a small but noticeable affect on my moods at times and I hope to make this more of a routine than I ever did before. I've put a lot of negativity on God and whether I'm right or wrong, I am trying to take all of that off Him and just focus on the thankfulness I should have. I want positivity to be a stronger force than depression

Thank you for reading and make sure you please deposit any trash in the waste basket that on your way out. Hope you enjoyed the tour

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.

The Suicide Journal's History

     So I started this diary to fully examine and express my deepest of inner thoughts, from my desires and needs to those thoughts that are hard to understand or scary to put out there. I believe I've come a long long since I first started writing in a notebook and I feel the need to do two things right now:

1. Reflect.

   When I first started this, I didn't understand so much about my thoughts or why I felt the way I did. I had suicidal thoughts that just overtook my mind daily, sometimes without even provocation. It made sense when I lost my uncle to feel sad and possibly think about dying but to think about killing myself for no reason was beyond alarming.

I had times where I contemplated ending myself when things weren't very bad, like if I pictured how things would play out if I jumped in front of a car and the thought became so strong that I had to convince myself not to...hard.

It's always been obvious that it hurt seeing good families and knowing I never had that but writing out all of my unfiltered and deepest thoughts has really helped me break down other things I didn't understand til I read it on paper.

July 25th 2012 was the first time I wrote down in a journal and the things I wrote down were just the worst things; so much worse than any horror film or scary story.
I talked about how I didn't understand why I thought I wanted to end myself and what was going on in my mind. Here are a few pictures of the original Suicide Journal pages.

2. Now?

     In the past few years, I've gone through some very serious changes and arcs that have shaped me for the worse and (hopefully) for the better nowadays.

-5 years ago, I lost my Uncle to suicide, something that forever changed who and how I am. A piece of me died that can't come back anymore than Uncle Mike can and I hurt in a way that can't be fixed at all. This was a giant arc for the worse, just like anyone else who has lost  a loved one knows. I'm different than I was the day before I got the call about him, that phone call made me a worse person and added bitterness that I still can't just walk away from.

-About 2 years ago, I asked one of my best friends to meet up with me. He's usually pretty busy and it was very very important that I talked to him, not on a friend level exactly. When I met up with him, I confessed (for a lack of a better word) that I've been living a lie. I explained what I am and that my plan was to end myself if I didn't come clean about being trans. He listened and while he has not even said he supports my decision, he was as loving and caring as a best friend could be. I expected that conversation to end in a friendship being over but instead I left knowing that he and his family are more Christ like than I even thought (and I lived with that family for years so I would know more than most the character of all of them).

From then on, I've been telling more and more friends and strangers about the real me and have been slowly becoming a better person who doesn't hate myself the way I have my whole life.  Not that I'm fixed now but that definitely started a change that needed to happen, a change which is leading to a mission and goals that I'm embracing more and more to this day.

My goal is to reach out to trans people and show them that God isn't the evil, hateful thing that a lot of them think He is. The real God that leads my friends is the God who loves all of us and knows what we're going through. There's a verse that says we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and being transgendered is not outside of that. God can use us and I believe He is using me more and more in a way that I've always felt completely useless.

I used to recite the lines to a Green Day song, "Are you feeling like a social tool without a use..." and that's how I felt for a very long time, like any positive talent or thing I did was essentially useless to anyone. Like I would try to help friends but I couldn't do or help in the way they needed; for example:

     I can take great pictures and can draw fairly well but I can't cut grass without my eyes swelling shut and can you guess what would help my friends a lot more than taking a photo?? I'll give you 8 guesses. Nope, not that...yeah, they needed their grass cut. And then another summer when my allergies were not so bad, they needed help working on their car or they needed money or something that I could just never offer. This kind of situation often left me feeling beyond worthless on a regular basis. Now I am not trying to ignore the times I was able to help, I did for the most part what I could when I could. This isn't about 'woe is me' this is about the feeling I was left with during those times I couldn't help.

When I started being more open about being who I truly am, something changed in me and I've been feeling more and more useful to those who feel desperately left out. I'm not trying to sound like anything better than I am, just that I don't feel useless. That is an amazing feeling!
To be continued