Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Passion, Excitement and my Future

     Passion. Something I've always listed as one of my strongest and most positive traits Something I've always been able to feel on deep level. "He wears his heart on his sleeve" is a phrase that has described me throughout most of my life. Even doing something simple or small, I still feel such passion for anything I do that it becomes a part of my identity.

It's something that I have, to an extent, lost because of anxiety and failures and fears and life. It's kind of scary how I get nervous and  gun shy even when doing things I'm comfortable doing a lot of times. Today, I had a decent day at work. I trained someone on the register and did a good job of explaining things to him, my boss thanked me for training him and making sure to go over things that he said other people don't think of.

And after a few compliments, I thanked him but was so shy and unsure of myself even just in standing there being complimented that I just kinda shrugged at him and shelled up.

I'm not always great at explaining my thoughts but I'll try to express why this was a bad thing and why it made me feel so negative. I said in the beginning that when I do things that I know how to do, I insert a level of passion in those things somehow that kinda make them unique to me.

As in, I put a piece of my heart and soul in things I do or make or whatever. But in doing a good job at work and training a coworker and not letting any anxiety or stress get to me today, I didn't even feel a little passion about any of it.

By the way, not letting anxiety or stress get to me for a full work day was a very big thing, usually things like a line growing a little too long or trying to do multiple things at once sends me into an anxiety attack. So keep that in mind when I explain why today wasn't a good day in a way.

Yeah, so I felt no passion in positive things that happened and that's not good when it's always been so important to me. But the positive take away from today was that the day seemed to fly by and it didn't make me feel like I have an ulcer due to stress. So, I'm not complaining about the day overall, more like expressing some slight concern about one aspect.

     And on to the positive stuff about my current life:

First is the thing I've been embracing more and more, I've been truly working on enjoying becoming Layla. It's actually been harder than I thought to accept that it's not a deep dark secret anymore and that it's a good thing that I'm not hiding my self. It's like I've learned how to be a dude for so long that there are a few areas that I don't know how to be the real me; like I've been lying for so long I forgot what the truth is.

But besides that, it's been really exciting and great to openly talk about my future and learn who is supportive of this part of my life. I went somewhere recently and was called Layla the whole time and at first it felt weird but in a good way and after a while, it felt really good to enjoy being called by my name.

I'm going to be going through the transitioning process within the next two months and I am beyond excited to legally change my name and to finally walk around openly identifying as Layla Jade Gilmore. I've been gathering little things and looking for more things that can help me feel a little more comfortable, mostly jewelry and makeup that I've always wanted to own. One thing I recently got that I've always loved was the necklace from Titanic
(the heart of the ocean...and it's a cheap knock off, I know but still looks good.)

I'm also excited about my hair growing so long. It's taken a very long time but it's finally longer than my shoulders and still going.

I have wanted to grow my hair out very long as long as I can remember but for one reason or another I was not allowed at any point in my life. I dyed my hair lighter and have been taking care of it as it gets decently long, I also have plans to go to a salon and have it professionally done...gonna have to save up for a while for that though. I am thinking about doing Ivory white, like the picture on the right.

Please let me know what you think about that or if you have any other suggestions for hair colors that you like.

And I'm also happy and excited to bring more and more of my friends into my life as I learn who is willing to. I've been adding more of my friends to my new Facebook after respectfully letting them know where I am in life. I just can't get over how surprising it is when someone accepts me and what they mean to me, if you are one of those people I seriously cannot thank you enough for sticking with me whether you agree with my decision or not. It means more than I can explain.

     Well, I hope my ramblings were not too attention deficited for you (...if that makes sense...) it's been a long week and I'm trying to make the best of the bad parts and also excitedly enjoying the positive parts. Thank you for reading and as always, I always appreciate prayers and good thoughts sent my way