Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Update on Layla Jade Gilmore

     Update on my life: 

Today, Monday October 2nd 2017, I took as trip to Philadelphia, PA. I woke up at...well, I woke up about 6 times between 3am and 5:45 before giving up on sleeping.

I got dressed and I left my place at about 6:30. Because I'm used to riding my bike, I underestimated my timing and had to run to the train. Luckily I was about 2 minutes early and got on, taking the ride to Camden before getting off and taking the patco to Philly. I prayed a lot while sitting/standing on the trains.

     So I'm standing in Center City and I look up the Mazzoni Center, the place I had an appointment set since last January or February, on google.

Address found and google maps brought up. 

Walking there, I feel nervous. 

Nervouser. 

Nervousest.

What's more nervous than nervousest?

Yeah, that...I was that

     So the scene is set: I'm standing in front of the Mazzoni building, the place I've never been and kinda thought it wasn't real in a weird way. I talked to a receptionist there so long ago, I didn't think this day would ever come. I'm standing in front of the building and decide that because I'm over an hour early, I'll go get something to eat at 7/11.

One apple fritter later, I come back and look at the outside of the building again. It looks dark and mysterious...till I realize it IS dark, not so mysterious. It's just dark.

There were no lights on and I finally realized there was a sign on the window, "The Mazzoni Center has moved to..." many blocks away.

...that's just great. Good job, VJ. Time to run a few blocks. The good thing is in Center City, you really can't do much to look crazier than most of the people there. So I didn't worry as I made my way across town. I bobbed and weaved through the street and sidewalk and through the crowds till I found the street and FINALLY saw their logo on a building and went in.

Once inside, things went really smoothly. The receptionist directed me upstairs and I filled out paperwork as a new patient.

I was called to a room pretty quickly and got a few basic tests done, checked my blood pressure and then I waited for my Dr.

Dr. Gross came in and we talked about my family history and my personal past and then she got into the possible side effects and positive changes from estrogen/testosterone blocking as a male-to-female patient. I signed some things and listened to all of the possible negatives and understood them.

Then I got some blood work done and waited a few minutes to see another Dr. I told her as much of my family history and my personal mental/medical history as I could and explained every detail of my personal situation involving growing up with a bottled up and deep secret at all times.

And after all was over, I walked out with another appointment set up and an idea of what to expect from here on. Some of the things I was afraid of have been explained and some things I will have to keep up with as I start taking hormones in the near future.

     As a very nervous and scared person who was going into something COMPLETELY unknown, everyone there treated me with love and respect. From the receptionist up to each Dr that spoke with me to the people who just directed me where to go, I never once felt like a mental patient or like they were judging me.

I was pretty scared about that and before anyone says anything about mental illness, I am aware that this is not completely physical and I will not pretend that science is false and that I was born a female in some way. BUT I do know that this is a safe and progressive way to help something that is wrong both physically and mentally

I am going to be taking advantage of therapy/support groups they offer as much as I'm able and my next appointment is in a few weeks. One thing I'm really excited for is something they told me about, I'm going to legally change my name soon.

Well, I will add more updates as things progress 

and I thank anyone and everyone who reads this.

I appreciate any prayers and good thoughts 

coming my way too. Thanks and as always...

The Introvert/Extrovert In Me

     So I often feel the need to write when I'm in immediate negativity, which is why this diary is heavily leaning on the sad side but I do have good things in my life and Saturday was a decently (yes, I made that word up. No, that wasn't a typo. Yes, you can use it) good day.

     I went to Center City with some friends and we had a really good time just goofing around. I have become a hardcore introvert over the last few years and being out in public usually makes me want to be invisible, let alone making a scene. So getting to go out and sing and dance and make silly jokes and be outgoing and not care is a very rare thing for me. I got to do that in Philly. And more importantly, I had fun doing it.

I've had a few times in the last few years where I've been out with people and pretended to be somewhat outgoing and while I looked like I was doing fine, internally I was either freaking out and trying to find a place to hide or I just plain hated what ever was going on. That's never been because of whoever I was around, but the blunt truth is I'm so not comfortable being the 'life of the party' type. I'm not saying I was the life of the small party but I didn't feel the burning need to become invisible or miserable for not wanting to be wherever I was. That's pretty big for me.

     To put my internal works into protective, ten years ago I could have maybe 10 days out of a month where I had good days. Days when I felt outgoing and was able to step outside of my head. And skipping ahead to this year, I can think of 2 days where I even came close to being able to step outside of my discomfort. Yesterday was one of those days and the year is almost over, we're in August.

     Another good thing about yesterday is that I kinda felt like I have my friend a good day too. Maybe I'm being self centered and I'm wrong about this (although I hope that's not the case) but it feels really good to know I've helped my friends when in a way that they actually need. I feel very useless in society lately so to actually feel like something I did was actually useful, that's really cool.

     I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else and that had me really bummed so it's cool that while I was missing out on something I really wanted to do, I turned that into a really good day and a lot of fun. The only downside was the heat but I'll take being sweaty and having fun over being comfortable with the temperature and miserable.

It was a good day. I needed that.