Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

A Few Memories of Epic Proportions!

     So one night, I was babysitting this little baby girl and a boy who has been one of my best friends since his first birthday. She was...one, I think and it was at late night. I was watching some horror movie and heard a noise that I never ever like hearing, a sad cry. Now there are a few different cries, some are annoying and some cause sympathy and then there's the worst kind: a sad cry. This little girl had a "night terror" and was crying hysterically.

     I was in the basement and couldn't run fast enough to get to her, this little princess' cry, especially the sad cry, was and is the worst sound I could possibly hear so I got to her and picked her up. Something about this little angel: I have never had kids myself but I know the feeling that nothing matters more than a baby's happiness and well being and when I held her I knew that not a single thing mattered more than making her feel better. The light in her room was dim and I rocked her a little for a little while to get her to stop sad crying. While rocking her, I sang some songs to try and relax her.

I wasn't used to doing this so I came up blank on songs so I sang the songs that come naturally to me...so please don't make too much fun of me. I sang a few Saturday morning cartoon songs, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Ninja Turtles and maybe a few others. She still cried but was slowly calming down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs and just a few words in she stopped crying loudly, her little cheeks were soaked by tears but she yawned and looked up at me. My heart absolutely melted and I smiled a smile that only she can get out of me (and she still does to this day) and I kept singing.

     "...take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..." And I know the song's meaning but in that moment I understood what a parent feels like when they say they love their kids. I sang the rest of the song and she yawned her little tiny yawns and even smiled a little as I finished (probably because I was done singing, hahaha)

And as I laid her down in her crib, I saw love in a way I had never experienced before. Knowing that I stopped her sad cry meant more to me than any amount of money or any accomplishment I did for myself, her not being sad...that made my heart melt like nothing could.

     Another memory that will last a lifetime:

I was at work one day and I forget what exactly happened but someone was messing with me, trying to get me to fight them. I am not one to get into fist fights if there's a way to talk things out or even yell things out so the fact that the person got me to the point of almost engaging was really impressively bad. That day my friend was picking me up from work and she pulled up moments before a possible fight. 

Normally I would sit in the passenger's seat but this day my friend saw how upset I was and made me get in the middle seat in her minivan. I was annoyed that she wouldn't let me in the front but I got in and in the opposite middle seat was this infant, maybe around the same time as the previous story. I was so worked up, just about nothing could calm me down..or so I thought. 

     I looked over at the baby and saw that little baby girl's smile and even though I was ready to get into a fight moments ago, she smiled and the whole world seemed to stop being so negative. Again, her happiness was so much more important than some fight or whatever that person did or said. It was as if God personally spoke through that tiny little angel directly to me. Her laugh healed my anger. That little girl that I lovingly call "Spazz" is and has always been an angel to me.

     And the last Epic Story:
Skipping ahead a few years, I was visiting my friends ending up there late. I hadn't lived with them for a while and my friend stepped outside when I heard that same cry from that same girl, about 6 years older by now. She again had a night terror and I again, went to her as fast as I could and again she was crying that sad cry that hurts my heart so much. I picked her up and walked her down to the basement where I was watching a movie and she sat on my lap.

Through tears, I whispered nice things to her and calmed her out of her hysteric crying. Then she give me a kiss on my cheek and put her little head on my shoulder and in a few minutes fell asleep. I remember this moment because at the time I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and she treated me like I was supposed to be there. There wasn't weirdness and she didn't take away her trust in me, it was just there.

I picked her up and walked her back to bed and she slept through the night. I took a picture because her head on my shoulder meant more to me than any amount of money that has ever or will ever exist. That little girl is my heart and soul personified.

Thank you, God for this little angel.