August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

How To Social

     OH.MY.GOSH. I got a big ol' lesson today in

HOW TO BE BAD AT SOCIALIZING 101

     So here's the story: I have a friend who I haven't seen since my high school days, he was one of the most loyal and real friends I had. As a kid, he could never sit still and as an adult he's exactly the same; he works hard and does what he loves. He's built a great life for himself and I'm super proud of what he has become, knowing where he came from.

With all that said, I am absolutely horrible at being social ESPECIALLY around people I'm not completely comfortable with AM good at being social around people I am comfortable around...oh nonono. I can be just as bad at socializing with great friends as I am with new people or old friends. One thing you can say about me is I'm an equal opportunities antisocial introvert. I'm introverted around ANYONE and EVERYONE.

Back story out of the way, here's the current events:
     I called my old friend (something I'm sure he didn't know was a special act, I HAAAAATE talking on the phone) and asked if he was free; he was. So I went to his house and walked into his back yard, trying to act comfortable somewhere new and uncommon.

He was working on an engine he just bought and had a few friends around, I immediately lost any ability to fake any sense of confidence. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation when cars are the main topic AND I am absolutely terrible in a new group. The perfect storm for me to become the silent nobody I used to be.

I stood there and tried my hardest to not look like I was the most uncomfortable person in the entire city, trying to think of questions that make me sound like I know anything about cars but after 2 questions I was out of ideas.

I have this habit of going to say something and either being too quiet to be heard or just backing out all together but my hands. mannerisms or gestures don't get that message and I look like I'm doing sign language for an invisible class...not exactly a confidence boost when anyone around sees that and calls me out; I got really lucky and caught myself today but felt really dumb and got even quieter after that.

     So I stood there while my old friend and his friends talked about stuff, just about all of it was stuff I have absolutely nothing I know about or could relate to in any way so I ended up just standing there listening to everyone talk. The only thing that kept me from openly curling up in a ball on the floor was they had 2 dogs I played with as much as they would let me.

After standing there for about a half hour, I tried about 16 times to muster up the courage to say I had  to leave. Finally, my voice came through and everyone was surprised that I made a sound and I said I had to go. Everyone there was very nice but I felt like I was intruding and left as quick as I possibly could. As I was making my way to the train all I could think was, "I DO NOT SOCIAL."

Things like that make me never want to be around humans ever again and the worst part is no one else did anything wrong or  rude or even remotely intimidating; I'm just beyond fragile at anything I don't have full confidence in...great.

     Life update:

-I've been on estradiol for almost 3 months now and I see almost no physical change...bummer. In about 2 weeks I go in for another Dr's appointment and I think I'll be starting testosterone blockers so that should be a game changer. My Dr said that starting estrogen first and then adding testosterone blockers shortly after would develop breast tissue best and benefit me most in my transition, I really really hope so.

-I have had an idea for a book/film for a very long time that I have recently been inspired to retry to create. I've been working on the timeline and figuring out the skeleton of the character's stories; I'm pretty excited to feel motivated to get even some of it from my head to paper. It's fun creating a world and this one is kinda deep.

-I just started a semi diet. I am starting slow by taking out some of the junk food I eat, making a cut off time at night when I can't eat and trying to have smaller portions when I do eat. It's been a week now and I've broken my rules a few times but so far it's been okay. My goal is to lose some of my belly fat.

A Mature Update on the Life of Layla Lee

     I'm putting this disclaimer out there up here at the top of this diary entry so you know:
THIS ENTRY WILL BE DEALING WITH VERY PERSONAL/MATURE NATURE AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE

     Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I'm updating about my transition and some of it gets very personal.

Alright so I have been on estrodiol for exactly one month and a day. "It's been one month since I started hrt, gotta admit it hasn't always been easy..." <--- if you sang this to the Barenaked Ladies song, we can be friends.

     Well, I have been slowly getting more and more impatient. I was hoping to see a change in my body after...oh say...two days; then by three weeks I expected to see radical hair growth in the exact places I need to look more feminine and less masculine. Then I expected to be able to comfortably pass as a natural born female in public by, like...a month and a day.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration  but I did expect to see some physical changes sooner than I did and I was hoping to feel different, at least a little. It's been a month and a day and I did just recently notice breast growth but so little that only I notice it. I was at the gym on the tread mill and I felt a bounce in my step, so to speak. I found it very funny at the moment and looked around like, 'I wonder if I look crazy. I look like a typical male and I'm staring at my chest as if I was a natural woman who's boob just popped out."

The other thing that has been happening internally is a bit more personal. Alright, I made like three disclaimers so if you don't want to hear what's next that's on you. I have been a very sexual person from a pretty young age, I learned about masturbating at about 11 and like most boys that became a thing for me. Then when I was 16 I had sex for the first time and THAT became the thing I wanted to do as much as I could.

Especially in the last few years, I've been like on over drive in my thoughts and desires to engage in those acts and it's been very tough to not be in a relationship while I'm in such a charged mood so often. Well since starting estrogen, it has been so relaxing to not feel that constant need to deal with that.

For the record, I think it's hilarious when women talk about how their boyfriends or husbands say they get sick if they don't release somehow; it's not exactly true, males don't get ill from abstinence...but... I can say from experience, it becomes very very difficult to keep calm when you go days or weeks without releasing and then the inevitable happens. Someone or something aroused me and I could barely contain my excitement...I tried to be as discreet and non-crass as I could. What can I say, it's hard to navigate...

Alright, no more of that, I promise. But anyway, it's been a lot easier to relax and let the estrogen combat my testosterone. I have an appointment in April and as long as nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed) I'll then start T blockers. My Dr. said that starting estrogen first and then Testosterone blockers a little bit later will help my breast growth in the long run so I'm excited for that.

     I've been praying a lot more and really trying to let God into my world i a way I've never let Him in before. Now that I'm getting help in an area that I hated myself everyday for and that's another area in my life that my transition has had a very positive effect on, which I am excited daily to let go of. I'm nowhere near done or even okay but these things are slowly giving me more and more of a positive outlook.

It feels good to not hate my own life every waking minute. That's new to me and I think I like it.

     One last thing that's been on my mind:
I've been dreaming fully female for a while now; in every dream I am a female, the female I have always seen myself as in secret. Well I'm now having regular dreams that I'll wake up and realize I look so much more feminine than when I went to sleep. It's always a very calm and examinitory kind of dream, I'll look in a mirror and stare at my eyes and face and see that I look so much more feminine. Then I'll slowly examine new lines and new features all ove rmy body and just take in my new life, always smiling as I accept myself and smile as I finish getting ready. That's pretty interesting.

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.

A Possible Beginning to my Journey

     I remember being in preschool, there was a wall full of costumes that was about the coolest thing I ever saw...at the time at least. (Hey I was like 5, chill out.) Anyway, this wall had so many hats and scarves and dresses and fake jewelry and canes and so much more.

This wall fascinated me from the very second I learned what it was, I wanted to be anything and everything. I guess you could point to that time that formed my desire to act and write. I played with that costume wall every chance I got but there was something that I really wanted to do but never could;
I always wanted to dress up and play with the girls and enjoy dressing up Barbie dolls. I watched the girls having fun and felt jealous and sad that I couldn't be a part of that. And I understood their games and love of clothes and I felt like on some level I belonged with them.


Then I looked at what the boys were playing with and how they were playing, some of it wasn't horrible but there wasn't much that I cared about. I specifically remember playing with my best friend when we were kids and GI Joe was a big thing but I absolutely hated it! In fact, the only thing I liked at all was setting up the scenes.

I would set up a town for the GI Joes or transformers or legos for hours and get things just the way I wanted and then I'd clean up and put everything away. It was a weird dynamic I had going but it was me trying my hardest to accept me as a boy and it wasn't working but it was all I had. I had a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that I treated like it was my kid, I took it everywhere and took care of it like it was a real baby and for a long time I didn't know why I wanted to do that so bad.

I remember seeing my friends that were boys building and digging and working on their preskool cars like they were mechanics and there I was babysitting a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal while dreaming of playing with the girls and playing with makeup.

The few times I was able to do those things, it was like I was in the right place or doing the right thing. My little sister would play with her dolls and I'd play with her, giving me a reason to dress up the dolls and match clothes and just be who I felt was the real me.

I know all kids go through phases like that but this was more than a phase and I knew it then, I didn't just put on my mom's shoes just to get attention. I knew then that I wanted to truly be a girl, like always.

That was the time it went from a boy who hated being what he was to a boy knowing he wanted to be a girl. From there it became a need that I had to bury, hide and ignore and treat like just a disgusting guilty pleasure. But I'm really starting to believe that that's when a journey began for me that might have a happier ending...


                                                                           ...I hope.

Why I'm Writing This

     I want to talk about a tough thing to talk about: Suicide.

Suicide has been a large theme in my life, a demon that has been beyond hard for me to deal with on my own. When I was young, I tried to attempt suicide even before I truly knew what it would mean and throughout my teen life, I came close many times to giving up and ending myself. Sometimes they were over things that weren't nearly serious enough to warrant something so permanent and sometimes there were very hard things for a little kid to handle and it would have made sense if I attempted something in a more determined way.

I'm not saying it would have been right or that anyone should ever attempt something so final, but there are times in my personal life that would have made suicide make sense to others.

That was all just kind of an intro for this entry, I can and will get into some of those topics on a deeper level at another time.

     The topic for this entry is why I write in this and what my goal is for things like suicide walks and supporting organizations that I do support.

               I'll start with why i write this.
I started writing this in 2012 because I knew I wanted to die but didn't understand why. It took me years of writing my worst, most depraved, scariest thoughts before I started to understand that
I didn't want to die, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I want to be an inspiration to people who feel like there's nothing that can get better in all of life. Through the depression, through the pain and through the worst times, I hope that someday someone reads any of this and understands that they are not only not alone but that they don't truly want to end things in reality but they want to feel and be better.


It's so hard to to understand what you feel when you're in the middle of feeling it. Sometimes your situation leads you to believe that you don't want anything but to end it all or give up and stop having to try. That is a very real thing and feels like solid truth ESPECIALLY in your mind.

But if you examine what you're going through and what the situation truly is, usually you'll find that you don't want to end your life or give up. You want to feel happy, you want things to calm down, you may want someone to like/love you or you may want something that you need or think you need.

There are always extreme situations and I am NOT going to try to say anyone's situation or issues are not important enough.  Your situations can be very serious and very real, that's not the thing I hope you focus on though. there is always another way to change things. Always.

And secondly, why I support the organizations that I support.

     afps.org hosts suicide prevention walks all over and I participate every October at the Art Museum in Philadelphia, PA. They do a lot to bring awareness to something that has so many misconceptions and has a reputation for being purely something selfish when in fact it's something that we need to be able to talk about and be open about. The worst thing to do in a suicidal situation is to treat a person thinking about suicide like they just "need to grow up"


     Well, I hope this gives you something to think about and lets someone know they are not alone. If you or someone you know is having any thoughts about committing something permanent like suicide, please please please feel free to contact me or call 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak for calling, you're strong for fighting a very scary opponent by getting help. You can become an inspiration to someone else by surviving.

The Introvert/Extrovert In Me

     So I often feel the need to write when I'm in immediate negativity, which is why this diary is heavily leaning on the sad side but I do have good things in my life and Saturday was a decently (yes, I made that word up. No, that wasn't a typo. Yes, you can use it) good day.

     I went to Center City with some friends and we had a really good time just goofing around. I have become a hardcore introvert over the last few years and being out in public usually makes me want to be invisible, let alone making a scene. So getting to go out and sing and dance and make silly jokes and be outgoing and not care is a very rare thing for me. I got to do that in Philly. And more importantly, I had fun doing it.

I've had a few times in the last few years where I've been out with people and pretended to be somewhat outgoing and while I looked like I was doing fine, internally I was either freaking out and trying to find a place to hide or I just plain hated what ever was going on. That's never been because of whoever I was around, but the blunt truth is I'm so not comfortable being the 'life of the party' type. I'm not saying I was the life of the small party but I didn't feel the burning need to become invisible or miserable for not wanting to be wherever I was. That's pretty big for me.

     To put my internal works into protective, ten years ago I could have maybe 10 days out of a month where I had good days. Days when I felt outgoing and was able to step outside of my head. And skipping ahead to this year, I can think of 2 days where I even came close to being able to step outside of my discomfort. Yesterday was one of those days and the year is almost over, we're in August.

     Another good thing about yesterday is that I kinda felt like I have my friend a good day too. Maybe I'm being self centered and I'm wrong about this (although I hope that's not the case) but it feels really good to know I've helped my friends when in a way that they actually need. I feel very useless in society lately so to actually feel like something I did was actually useful, that's really cool.

     I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else and that had me really bummed so it's cool that while I was missing out on something I really wanted to do, I turned that into a really good day and a lot of fun. The only downside was the heat but I'll take being sweaty and having fun over being comfortable with the temperature and miserable.

It was a good day. I needed that.