August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

Thoughts, Lists and Post Event Blues

     So...my Monster Mania experience was cut slightly short and it's all over now...what am I supposed to do now? No really, tell me; I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get to next week and the week after.

It's hard for me to get motivated to get through the hour and the day and the week so I try to give myself little goals that usually work when I have something to look forward to that's within some kind of reach.

Right now I have a wedding I'm in this April, the August Monster Mania to look forward to and those are pretty cool (although each has a downside that kinda makes them a little bittersweet in a small way) but they seem so out of reach during this very hour. I'm not good at saying, "Well next year my tax money will come and I'll be able to legally change my name...I just gotta wait til then...312 days away...that's all..."  It might as well be twenty six years away, that's how I feel today.

So I am trying to calm myself down (hormones are NOT helping this part of me) and find little things to prize myself with in the meantime. One thing I like to do is come up with lists, sometimes silly ones like:

What's the sweatiest movie? (Stole this from the first episode of Cheers)
1. Rocky 4
2. Rambo 3
3. Ben Hur
4. Cool Hand Luke

And others help me figure out what I have to do like:

What future plans am I passionate about?
1. acting
2. writing/script writing
3. drawing
4. photography
5. Trans issues and politics
6. hockey/Flyers hockey
7. pretty things/making things pretty

And some are for organization:

What are my future goals?
1. To legally change my name
2. Travelling
3. writing a script or book
4. Work on breaking things that cause anxiety and depression
5. Surgeries and laser hair removal
6. working out/eating better
7. inventing something








     These things help the fact that I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I'm trying to fight any of the negativity that comes with loneliness. If you pray, pray for that. Thanks.

Why I'm Writing This

     I want to talk about a tough thing to talk about: Suicide.

Suicide has been a large theme in my life, a demon that has been beyond hard for me to deal with on my own. When I was young, I tried to attempt suicide even before I truly knew what it would mean and throughout my teen life, I came close many times to giving up and ending myself. Sometimes they were over things that weren't nearly serious enough to warrant something so permanent and sometimes there were very hard things for a little kid to handle and it would have made sense if I attempted something in a more determined way.

I'm not saying it would have been right or that anyone should ever attempt something so final, but there are times in my personal life that would have made suicide make sense to others.

That was all just kind of an intro for this entry, I can and will get into some of those topics on a deeper level at another time.

     The topic for this entry is why I write in this and what my goal is for things like suicide walks and supporting organizations that I do support.

               I'll start with why i write this.
I started writing this in 2012 because I knew I wanted to die but didn't understand why. It took me years of writing my worst, most depraved, scariest thoughts before I started to understand that
I didn't want to die, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I want to be an inspiration to people who feel like there's nothing that can get better in all of life. Through the depression, through the pain and through the worst times, I hope that someday someone reads any of this and understands that they are not only not alone but that they don't truly want to end things in reality but they want to feel and be better.


It's so hard to to understand what you feel when you're in the middle of feeling it. Sometimes your situation leads you to believe that you don't want anything but to end it all or give up and stop having to try. That is a very real thing and feels like solid truth ESPECIALLY in your mind.

But if you examine what you're going through and what the situation truly is, usually you'll find that you don't want to end your life or give up. You want to feel happy, you want things to calm down, you may want someone to like/love you or you may want something that you need or think you need.

There are always extreme situations and I am NOT going to try to say anyone's situation or issues are not important enough.  Your situations can be very serious and very real, that's not the thing I hope you focus on though. there is always another way to change things. Always.

And secondly, why I support the organizations that I support.

     afps.org hosts suicide prevention walks all over and I participate every October at the Art Museum in Philadelphia, PA. They do a lot to bring awareness to something that has so many misconceptions and has a reputation for being purely something selfish when in fact it's something that we need to be able to talk about and be open about. The worst thing to do in a suicidal situation is to treat a person thinking about suicide like they just "need to grow up"


     Well, I hope this gives you something to think about and lets someone know they are not alone. If you or someone you know is having any thoughts about committing something permanent like suicide, please please please feel free to contact me or call 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak for calling, you're strong for fighting a very scary opponent by getting help. You can become an inspiration to someone else by surviving.

Future Plans and What it Means to Have Them

     So I hear one of the things that suicidal people do is stop planning for the future. It's one of the first signs of someone who is planning on attempting suicide and it's a good telltale sign of depression overall if they stop planning things.

     And since one of the main reasons I'm even writing in this blog is to do what it takes to NOT commit (or attempt) suicide, I'm going to make a list of future plans I have. These are kinda like a bucket list or a resolution in a sense.

1. I want to keep walking and eventually start losing some weight through it. I'm at about 185 right now and I want to get down to 170 at least.

2. I want to learn how to do makeup. It's something I've always been fascinated by, I've done great work with Halloween makeup and I want to master contouring/natural makeup now.

3. I want to convert my room into a recording studio. I am currently trying to cut down the sound as much as possible on a very low budget and organize my things to create a place to record videos for YouTube and anything else like that.

4. I want to draw more. My abstract drawing has decreased and I want to not only improve at that but I want to learn how to draw real things better too.

5. I want to learn the piano. I'm currently letting a friend borrow my keyboard but when I get it back, I want to take some of my free time to learn how to make music.

6. I want to take voice lessons. I am going to be transitioning and want to learn how to train my voice to sound more feminine and I also want to learn how to sing better.

7. I want to transition. That's a big one that is seemingly inevitable right now but not completely out of the question that I could decide not to go through with. If I decide not to for whatever reason, this will turn into doing what it takes to be happy, overall the decision to transition to as feminine as I am physically able (because I get 'you can't truly become a woman no matter what you do' and I thoroughly understand that)

8. I want to build something, or better; take something old and make something else out of it. I'm a huge fan of thrift shops for that reason.

9. Going along with #3, I want o make YouTube videos regularly. Certain things have slowed my video making down to a crawl and I am working to fix those issues currently.

10. And finally, I want to write and shoot a short film. I have multiple ideas for short films and my goal is to finish scripting them and eventually shoot at least one with a bonus plan of hosting another film showing somewhere.
*If anyone reading this is a writer and would be interested in assisting this goal, I am in need of other minds so please feel free to send an email to vjtwentytwo@yahoo.com. Thanks.