Thoughts, Lists and Post Event Blues

     So...my Monster Mania experience was cut slightly short and it's all over now...what am I supposed to do now? No really, tell me; I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get to next week and the week after.

It's hard for me to get motivated to get through the hour and the day and the week so I try to give myself little goals that usually work when I have something to look forward to that's within some kind of reach.

Right now I have a wedding I'm in this April, the August Monster Mania to look forward to and those are pretty cool (although each has a downside that kinda makes them a little bittersweet in a small way) but they seem so out of reach during this very hour. I'm not good at saying, "Well next year my tax money will come and I'll be able to legally change my name...I just gotta wait til then...312 days away...that's all..."  It might as well be twenty six years away, that's how I feel today.

So I am trying to calm myself down (hormones are NOT helping this part of me) and find little things to prize myself with in the meantime. One thing I like to do is come up with lists, sometimes silly ones like:

What's the sweatiest movie? (Stole this from the first episode of Cheers)
1. Rocky 4
2. Rambo 3
3. Ben Hur
4. Cool Hand Luke

And others help me figure out what I have to do like:

What future plans am I passionate about?
1. acting
2. writing/script writing
3. drawing
4. photography
5. Trans issues and politics
6. hockey/Flyers hockey
7. pretty things/making things pretty

And some are for organization:

What are my future goals?
1. To legally change my name
2. Travelling
3. writing a script or book
4. Work on breaking things that cause anxiety and depression
5. Surgeries and laser hair removal
6. working out/eating better
7. inventing something








     These things help the fact that I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I'm trying to fight any of the negativity that comes with loneliness. If you pray, pray for that. Thanks.

Something I'm Thinking About

     So I'm a few days away from going to a horror convention called Monster Mania, there are going to be some great actors there (Richard Dreyfus, Tim Curry, Sean Astin to name a few) and I'm going with a bunch of friends and I AM EXCITED! Everything's paid for and taken care of, I don't think I'll have any problems from the human I used to date and I'm even dressing up for at least one day (as Layla). It's going to be great.


All of this is making me think about something very good. The future.

I don't mean, "My future is prepared and I know everything's going to be great." I mean the fact that I think about the future in a way I didn't much before. And anyone who knows about a suicidal person knows they don't actually think about the future, not realistically or happily at least.

For a little while now, the future has been something less hazy and fake to me and more real and dealable (...you know I make up words, deal with it). That's a huge step for me.

     So much of my life, I imagined what people would do when I die or I'd picture how the world would be after me or without me. I never pictured me in a future of  earth and I'm not saying I'm completely better now but I am saying I picture myself in my own imaginations of the future.

It's not the future I thought I'd ever be a able to be part of or that most people agree with but it's something. The gravity of this thought is beyond huge for me, the magnitude may just explode my brain at some point...which would ruin the future I want...I may have to avoid head explosion.

     Well on the subject of the future, I've been asked some personal questions about my transition and I've always said something close to, "I want to do what's safe and possible." Take a guess what the questions involve. Now, I invite personal questions; I'm not very shy about pretty much anything in my life. But the point here is people asking has me thinking about my future in that regard.

     There are two parts to my answer to this question (if I want to have full reassignment surgery, for those of you who didn't figure it out)

1. I want to do what is in my capabilities both financially and emotionally. I do want to become the best and most complete woman I am able to (you don't have to say it, I know I can never be an actual woman. That's why I said the best I CAN be)  My future plans are to do the most I can to present and identify as a female, that does also include genitalia.

I have made a choice not to participate in relationships ever because of things like my values so sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to go through my transition but I'm not sad to say goodbye to sex as a male, it's never been anything more than a good feeling. That doesn't change the fact that I'm strictly only attracted to women though.

2. While I want to be safe and I want to give the diplomatic answer of "I'm gonna do what's safe and what's best..." blah blah blah but here's the biased and opinionated answer: I want to be as feminine as I can possibly be. I want to experience female orgasms and use the bathroom the way I would if I was born with female plumbing and I want to be able to sit in a ladylike fashion. These are all things I think about beyond the safety and diplomacy that I know I need to think about.

   

          The main thing about these things is that I am looking at the future with hope and a feeling of possibilities, something I hated even considering for so long. I hope if anyone can relate to this reads my words and takes away the fact that if I can be hopeful about the future, anyone can.

PS: I'm posting this with photos of snow because we were absolutely obliterated by a snow storm today and I took a few pictures from my room. The blizzard of March 2018...enjoy

My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.