Today's Events - March 26th 2018

     Today:

I took a bike ride to Center City, Philadelphia to pick up estrodiol and I want to record my thoughts and take away from the day so that some day when I'm fully transitioned and can't remember these times, I can read this and think about how life was.

Let me start by saying, I am lazy and today was a prime example. SO last night my plan was to wake up today (Monday March 26th, 2018) fairly early and get to Center City to pick up my estrodiol. I figured I'd pick it up then maybe ride around for a while and just kinda aimlessly spend the day doing whatever.

And because my plans ALWAYS go perfectly, I woke up at 7am...and felt like crap so I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 8:30am and felt head achy, so I went back to sleep.

Aaaand at the bright and early time of 1:45pm I decided to get up for the day. I got out of the house about ten minutes later and made the train literally seconds before those guard rails went down. So that was a good break I caught first thing into my day. Then I got to Camden and got off the train, rode my bike to the bridge.

So normally, I get on the bridge and ride across the side where I can see the Camden Riversharks practice...or Rutgers or whoever plays at that baseball field but this time that side was closed for some reason and I had to go on the other side.

     The other side...the other side is a  little scary. It has a metal board looking floor for a bit till you get to solid concrete, which makes me feel like I'm in that Indiana Jones movie where the bridge is falling apart. Oh and did I mention I have a fear of heights? Yeah so I do, sort of.

By sort of I mean that whenever I get high up and can see down, I imagine every possible worst scenario. And because I have a crazy vivid imagination, it's always like super detailed and makes me super nervous. I, of course, thought of what if I hit the rail and flipped over the side or what if that tiny car patrol officer hit me with his little half-car thing and I popped off the bridge...and about 43 other random and crazy scenarios where I end up off the bridge. I have trouble stopping that thought process and tried to just sing and forget about where I was.

     After a terrifying trip across the bridge I got to Market St. and relearned that I HATE just about every GPS app there is. And I try not to use the word hate very much unless it's really deserved...this deserves it. I hate every direction app I've used so far, not one has done well long term without major idiotic issues.

I got rid of the map that my IPhone came with because it was just atrocious from the beginning and tried many map apps, none impressing me. I ended up using google maps  over the other terrible apps and for a while it was better than others at least but recently...over the last maybe 6 months or so it's just been terribler than ever. Yeah, I said terribler. If anyone has a recommendation, please leave a comment because I need a good GPS app.

Okay so I FINALLY fought through the  bad directing and made my way to the Mazzoni Center; for some reason my brain doesn't like to help me remember how to get there even though I've made this same trip like 10 times between December 2017 and now. (Alright, brain...thanks.)

I got my medicine and asked the worker there to send my meds near me and will not have to go there just to get meds from now on. SCORE! And a big thing here wasn't just getting to change the destination of my meds, it was me taking that step of asking.

For some reason, I have trouble asking things like that; speaking up when there's no real reason to fear talking has always been a problem for me. Speaking up today was pretty important to me and a bonus was they're gonna make it easy for me. (insert smile emoji here)

Then I wandered around Center City for a while and made my way back to the bridge, crossed it slower than before because my mind had plenty of time to create more scary imaginative ways to fall off and I got to the riverline.

     Something kinda cool and inspiring happened there.

I got on and was the last person on, so I didn't have a seat; I was standing in between doors holding my bike. Usually, the train stops ONLY when they get to a station but today they decided to quickly stop about 30 seconds after leaving the Camden station.

And I had the fortune of not being ready for that, I fell forward. I wasn't ready and fell hard into a black guy sitting in a seat and he could have been super angry and rude but thankfully he was very polite about it. I apologized profusely and he was more focused on making sure I was okay. I felt bad because my bike hit his knee but he was so cool about it, then another man offered me the seat he had and I sat down insstead of trying to keep my balance every tiem the train jolted.

The man who gave me his seat had a Septa jacket on and I thanked him for the seat, he responded politely then told me he weas suprised the guy I fell on was nice; most people don't care if it's an accident or not, they get really mad in that kinda situation.

He then went on about how peple blame him for every single issue that Septa has, even the most radical or stupid things. He had a genuine attitude toward me and seemed liem one of those people who truly tries to be a nice person in a job where no one thinks about anyone but themselves (I can relate) and he told me a few situations he dealt with today and I told him how I deal with that kinda thing too.

Then, as he was getting off the train, I told him I thank him for doing what he does and he stopped and shook my hand; I really feel like that helped him just to feel a little better even for a moment and that can make life  a tiny bit easier to handle. I know that feeling when humanity gets redeemed just a little tiny bit and what that means to me when it happens, I was really happy to get that chance to make him feel good.

     Sometimes a little thank you or an extra step to be nice can go such a long way for someone. It can be the difference between someone going home and feeling drained or horrible and a person going home thinking, "That was really cool" And that being the thought at the end of a day for someone who gets wrecked by angry customers at their job is a BIG thing to good people.

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...

2017 Year in Review

     So, it's 2018. It feels like a few minutes ago it was 2003 and a day before that it was 1997. I remember when we were all scared of Y2K, it was gonna destroy everything as we knew it...umm...oops.

Ok so I want to review the past 365 days and lay out my plans for this year.

Pros:

     In 2017, I opened up to a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off me in so many ways. It's been interesting teloling people the truth about me and seeing how many people are willing to at least hear my side of this and deal with it with me.

And the friends who are supportive have been beyond amazing, heliing me with little things and just lending an ear or eyes for the ones I text regularly.

Another pro from 2017 is the new experiences I endeavored. I've been to the New Jersey Devils arena twice this year, walked across a few bridges and even rode my bike across the Walt Whitman Bridge twice.

I've also been trying to take the initiative in daily life and learn when to speak up and when to let things go...I'm trying at least, not exactly great at that. I'm working on making me a better, happier person and respecting others while doing it.

I invested a little bit in crypto-currency and I'm enjoying learning how it all works and learning how to make educated guesses with my money.

Cons: 
     This year has been a very trying year in terms of  me fighting through stumbling blocks, specifically for my transition. In early 2017, my road to becoming Layla seemed easy enough.

Things were coming together kinda quickly and without much in the way: I got into a clinic in December of 2016 and have been there for a few appointments in 2017, things seemed to be going smoothly...until about mid 2017.

They did an EKG and something was off just by enough for my Dr there to be cautious and want me to see a cardiologist. At the time, I didn't have health insurance so I couldn't do that. It became SO hard to even get up in the morning. In December of 2017, I got a second EKG and things were better but still not good enough. The thought of not being able to transition is unbearable and that's what I've been thinking for months.

Depression has been strong for most of the year too. I did miss out on a few oppurtunities because depression got to me. Suicide has been more of a thought in the last 3 or 4 months than it has in a while.

     Plans for the future:

I want to focus on 3 things this year and really invest in these.

1. feminization. With my tax money, I am buying a laser hair removal machine and I am determined to learn as mucvh as I can about makeup. Weight loss is going to be a prority too; I want to do all I can to put myself ahead of my chrosomes. I also want to become more educated in transgendersim and even find ways to give back to that community in some way.

2. I want to travel and challenge myself t0o try new things. Whether it's a food I've never tried before or go somewhere I haven't been. See movies I haven't seen before and challenge myself in daily life in small ways.

3. Investing. I bought a very little bit of botcoin, litecoin and ethereum and I want to dive into stocks in 2018. My goal is to learn about trading, investing in real stocks and crypto-currency in the first half of the year and invest shortly after that. I think this is about the smartest way to make money on the side in this day and age and I need to take full advantage of this chance now.





This is as close as I'll get to a resolution, enjoy.

My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.

Update on Layla Jade Gilmore

     Update on my life: 

Today, Monday October 2nd 2017, I took as trip to Philadelphia, PA. I woke up at...well, I woke up about 6 times between 3am and 5:45 before giving up on sleeping.

I got dressed and I left my place at about 6:30. Because I'm used to riding my bike, I underestimated my timing and had to run to the train. Luckily I was about 2 minutes early and got on, taking the ride to Camden before getting off and taking the patco to Philly. I prayed a lot while sitting/standing on the trains.

     So I'm standing in Center City and I look up the Mazzoni Center, the place I had an appointment set since last January or February, on google.

Address found and google maps brought up. 

Walking there, I feel nervous. 

Nervouser. 

Nervousest.

What's more nervous than nervousest?

Yeah, that...I was that

     So the scene is set: I'm standing in front of the Mazzoni building, the place I've never been and kinda thought it wasn't real in a weird way. I talked to a receptionist there so long ago, I didn't think this day would ever come. I'm standing in front of the building and decide that because I'm over an hour early, I'll go get something to eat at 7/11.

One apple fritter later, I come back and look at the outside of the building again. It looks dark and mysterious...till I realize it IS dark, not so mysterious. It's just dark.

There were no lights on and I finally realized there was a sign on the window, "The Mazzoni Center has moved to..." many blocks away.

...that's just great. Good job, VJ. Time to run a few blocks. The good thing is in Center City, you really can't do much to look crazier than most of the people there. So I didn't worry as I made my way across town. I bobbed and weaved through the street and sidewalk and through the crowds till I found the street and FINALLY saw their logo on a building and went in.

Once inside, things went really smoothly. The receptionist directed me upstairs and I filled out paperwork as a new patient.

I was called to a room pretty quickly and got a few basic tests done, checked my blood pressure and then I waited for my Dr.

Dr. Gross came in and we talked about my family history and my personal past and then she got into the possible side effects and positive changes from estrogen/testosterone blocking as a male-to-female patient. I signed some things and listened to all of the possible negatives and understood them.

Then I got some blood work done and waited a few minutes to see another Dr. I told her as much of my family history and my personal mental/medical history as I could and explained every detail of my personal situation involving growing up with a bottled up and deep secret at all times.

And after all was over, I walked out with another appointment set up and an idea of what to expect from here on. Some of the things I was afraid of have been explained and some things I will have to keep up with as I start taking hormones in the near future.

     As a very nervous and scared person who was going into something COMPLETELY unknown, everyone there treated me with love and respect. From the receptionist up to each Dr that spoke with me to the people who just directed me where to go, I never once felt like a mental patient or like they were judging me.

I was pretty scared about that and before anyone says anything about mental illness, I am aware that this is not completely physical and I will not pretend that science is false and that I was born a female in some way. BUT I do know that this is a safe and progressive way to help something that is wrong both physically and mentally

I am going to be taking advantage of therapy/support groups they offer as much as I'm able and my next appointment is in a few weeks. One thing I'm really excited for is something they told me about, I'm going to legally change my name soon.

Well, I will add more updates as things progress 

and I thank anyone and everyone who reads this.

I appreciate any prayers and good thoughts 

coming my way too. Thanks and as always...