It's Getting Too Real

     I'm going to warn you here, there aren't any witty jokes or positivity or anypictures to brighten the mood and there is strong language present. Read at your own risk.

     I'm so beyond fucked. And so far everything I do turns to shit. Whether I pray and ask God for help or try to cheat and steal my way to being okay, nothing is ever different. I lose and I get humiliated and I end up on the sad or angry or empty end of things.

My friends have always been great but that's it...I lost the ability to love or feel love or understand it, I have no "wins", no little battle victories, nothing to look at and say "I just have to____ and then it'll work out."

The ONE thing I've been looking for was transitioning and I am watching that quickly fade away from me over the stupidest fucking thing: Money. I need a cardiologist but no one will see me without paying and all my money is going to rent. And since I can't get food stamps, I'm fucked with that so I have to pay for food and that leaves me with nothing. And as of tonight, I won't even have internet at least for a little while.

Anyone tha tknows me knows this will isolate me in a way I don't know if I can handle. I use dto say I don't know what to do. I used to hope that there was some supernatural entity that comes and saves the day but tas each day/minute/second goers by I feel like even if that happens, I don't want their help anymore. Like I'm so angry and hurt and destroyed that even if somehting does work out, I won't even enjoy it. Like who the hell cares if I get the body I want if I'm so bitter and so empty that I hate everything!?

What am I? WHAT THE FUCK AM I?! I don't even feel human anymore, I feel like so much less than human after being shown that even scumbags who rape or steal can get help from the gov't but I, a noon jailed non married non drug using visually male, deserve to starve and rot. According to the governmental assistance, that's al that matters. I didn't do drugs or have kids with random women and I didn't go to jail for stealing so I'm fine.

Basically they're saying that I don't deserve any help because I didn't choose to destroy my life but by saying that, they're destroying my life.

My anxiety grows by the minute and makes it hard to work, fight or even stay alive but I need to work, fight and stay alive because...I'm supposed to? I don't even know why anymore.

I'm out of answers...hell, I don't even know what questions I'm supposed to ask or who I'm supposed to talk to. I'm blinded by the negativity that just engulfs everything.

And I'm suposed to believe that God is taking care of me, that God is in control and all I have to do is pray and read and the anxiety will suddenly clear up and le tme do normal things, I'll find a hidden ad for a great apartment and I won't want to fucking kill myself because everything will stop sucking so much that there's nothing but bitterness and empty hollow loveless speech??

Is that what's supposed to happen? Is that it? Did I just sin one too many times? Did I constantly choose a pencil instead of a pen and God gave up on me?? Cause that's how I feel right now, I feel like I made the wrong decsions as a little kid and God just made the consequences worse and worse and by the time I was old enough to make serious decisions, even the right ones have bitter painful consequences that make my life worse and worse.

Three years ago, I had 3,000 dollars in my account and was planning a trip across the globe and right now...just three years later, I'm barely hanging on to a worthless hollow life that seems to hate me. I've been trying to pray and read and talk to God and ask toerhs to pray for me but the more I try or the more I have ANY hope that things will not be the worst, the worse things get.

Every single fucking time I start even the tiniest bit to have any hope, something destroys it. Every single time. And it's always in such a giant way that I can't do anything about it but get swept away in all of it. It's like when you read about or watch documentaries about serial killers; you see the victims trying so hard to get away and you think 'they deserve to break free and live' and they sometimes even have a great chance but in the end they die...no happy endings, no freedom, no deserved life.

And this is not a drunken or drug induced post, I'm not writing this unde rany influence, I've never done a drug in my life...this is my life. This is what every choice and every action has led to. I'm moving again. I just had to tell the gov't worker to cancel any food stamps because I'm gonna screw anyone who's address I use, I don't have it in me to "be a  man" (in every sense of the phrase), I can't see a cardiologist because they just want money that I don't have, I can't transition because of the cardiologist that doesn't exist, I'm about to have about 40 dollars for two wekes that has to feed me clothe me and cobver any extra expense, I officially can't do anything fun or anything to relieve any stress or anything that doesn't add more fucking stress to my already stress riddled stupid worthless life...

    I've been saying for so long that there's always another option, there's always something else you can do but this point makes me feel like a liar. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing and it make smy life harder and less worth finishing. I am not strong enough to keep up the intensity for much longer and I fucking hate more and more and care less and less on the regular.

I. Am. Fucked.

My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.

Dreaming a Little Dream

     I work as a cashier, I live in someone's apartment, I take walks with my friends, I watch hockey, I pray to God, I buy jewelry and internet window shop for clothes or makeup, I eat terribly (for now at least), I draw, I play PS2 and Nintendo and Super Nintendo, I paint my nails, I watch YouTube videos, I listen to pandora.com, I read about trans people and trans issues, I play on Facebook or Instagram and on the rare occasion I get some sleep. That about it for my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life routines.

Then there's my unroutine stuff (I make up words, get over it)

     I question every word I use and every choice I make, I try so hard to not do certain things that I cause myself to do them, I mumble, I over emphasize words, I make sure to not bother anyone ever, I ask my friends over and over if I am annoying them or making things harder for them, I stay in my room when I feel extra introverted, I lose my voice without any reason, I look down because I feel like less than human, I break plans and let people down regularly because I feel like they'll be better off if I'm not around them, I freak out in my mind so hard that it makes me sweat and not able to think, I wish I was different...like really really hard and I shut down when stress takes over my ability to think straight.

This photo is a correct assessment of my brain a lot of the time. 

     So I had all these expectations for my life a long time ago, expectations that I felt I was able at a time to fulfill; I also included life and things that were out of my control. I expected to have to deal
with bills, things breaking down and having to work long hours or hard jobs.

I also expected to have to take care of babies and make phone calls and clean up after a bad dog...

What I didn't expect was to have a long term crippling desire/need to feel comfortable and the fight that that came with. I didn't expect to be beaten down so hard that even simple things like believing in God or believing that God would care about me seems impossible.

I didn't expect to be treated by a father so badly that I genuinely doubt anyone's love when they say or try to show it to me ever and I also didn't expect anxiety to cause nonsensical things to push me down daily.

     I must say I have learned some pretty important things through my struggles though and some of them are priceless...and some plague me almost minute by minute.

I've learned that I do not want to die.
      this is pretty big, a few years ago, I would have disagreed with this if I was being brutally honest with you. I thought for so long that I was only here because some truck didn't yet veer off the road and finish me off. I'm not saying that is fixed in me but the things I've encountered and the battles I've fought have made me stronger in some ways.

Whether some believe or not, I believe that some of the things I had to fight for and lost or the things I wasn't able to achieve were because I was destined for the journey I'm fighting for and happy to take on now.

The road from Vincent to Layla has been a scary, nearly deadly and nothing short of interesting one, one that I would not be on if any number of things had worked out over the last 20 years. If I met a woman and got married or if I had not been so discouraged in school and actually tried at all and gotten on a career path or if I had gotten into drugs and the friends that often comes with

...these are just a few things that could and would have changed how my life played out. I don't think I would be transitioning right now if I had a family (I'm not discouraging anyone in that situation from anything they think is right and to be brutally honest, I think I would not still be here rather than ruin lives by exposing my true thoughts on a wife and kids)

I've learned who my true friends are
     I explained before that being a true friend does not mean you should support anything they want to do so this is not attacking anyone that has decided to cut me out of their life, but I will say this: BROWNIE POINTS to the people who have not cut me from their life because of my decision to embrace my inner life and do what it takes to actually feel happy. This struggle is very very real and the friends who have kept in touch or have let me talk "girl talk" or the ones who are willing to listen to what I have to say are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge at times.

My life is owed to my friends, you can tell me I'm wrong for thinking that or for putting that on their shoulders but it is true. I have only succeeded in anything that I have succeeded in because I had someone else there to share my joys with or help me through the hard parts, I feel very strongly in this philosophy:

So without all of those people, I would have given up by now. And that includes the people who cannot support my decision. The ones I'm referring to have always displayed love and strength and I appreciate and respect them and will miss every one of them immensely everyday.

I've learned that needing help isn't always a weakness
     I have had to humble myself and go to hospitals, I've had to break down and tell people that I'm not okay and I've had to share my painful details with doctors and strangers at times in  the last few years. And I have learned that those times that I had to get rid of my personal expectations and I had to bruise my ego... and that was okay. That was not wrong.

In fact those things were the right things to do, rather than keep trying to put band aids on my issues and move on. Breaking down is not a weakness, it can in the future be turned into a strength.


   

I want to end this with a question:

What have you learned through your struggles?