A New Chapter, A New Beginning

     So...I am entering a new chapter in my life and it's scary, interesting, terrifying and about a hundred other adjectives. What? You wanna know what led me into a new direction that will undoubtedly change the course of my entire life and being? Well, since you asked nicely: alriiiight.

Let me take you back in time not too long ago but just long enough to explain things.

     Imagine, if you will, a trans girl (biological male, for those of you who can't get past that fact. Yes I can admit that fact about myself, and yes I will be referring to myself as a trans girl. Deal with it) who works a retail job. Are you imagining it? Good, gold star for listening.

Now imagine that trans girl having issues with the position she's been placed in and rationally making it very clear to powers that be; Imagine she works very hard to make customers happy and also acknowledges that she has some issues that she needs to be better at (and is trying, successful or not...trying).

Stay with me, imagine that this trans girl has a few issues with customers who accused her of things that she did not do and the powers that be didn't even listen for a second to her side and made up their minds that she was guilty of these ridiculous claims before attempting (in the most fake and absurd manner) to get her side of said issues. And now visualize that this trans girl takes verbal rebuke. And then maybe two or three weeks later she has one more issue with a customer and the same result occurs.

At that point, trans retail worker starts trying harder to make it clear to the powers that be that she needs to be in another position, not by complaining or being rude to customers even though they are relentless at that imaginary retail place of business, but she jumps on the opportunity whenever she gets to do other positions so well that coworkers and other bosses take notice at just how good she did. So her attempts go noticed and powers that be say, "We'll get you off (the worst position that you're having trouble with) and get you in the position that you excel highly in."

A very happy trans girl takes those words to heart and when she doesn't get that position change, she tries to stay calm and thinks, "Okay, eventually (powers that be) will live up to their words and put me in other positions." and she happily continues in the worst position; the position that she has had issues with both from customers creating problems and through her having some trouble with her attitude/limit to being verbally treated very badly.

She tries to keep her head up and be positive even though weeks go by with powers that be not doing what they said...and then...a thing happens (or so she's told) that pushes trans girl to the very edge of her limits. A customer (it still has yet to be proven that this customer exists, but I digress) says they won't come to the particular retail store because of this talked about trans girl; it is said by the powers that be that trans girl "refused" to give this alleged customer something that trans girl has NO REASON to refuse, nor has trans girl EVER refused any customer ever.

In fact, trans girl takes offense to this claim because she takes great pride in giving customers the exact thing she was accused of "refusing" Upon being approached by the powers that be, she was not given the respect of being listened to when asked why she "refused" to give the customer certain service. Trans girl had taken the verbal punishment before and held back as much as she had in her but this, boys and girls reading this, was quickly nearing a breaking point.

So while being told (not asked or given any benefit of the doubt in any way; guilty until...nope, just guilty even though she absolutely wasn't) that she "refused" to give the service that she had never denied, trans girl wasn't able to hold her tongue enough and pushed the powers that be back verbally. She admittedly wasn't polite when told she did things she would never do; imagine trans girl was clearly frustrated beyond what someone should have to take from their powers that be.

Imagine that from that moment on, the powers that be decided to not only take things personal by not speaking to her and doing petty, incredibly odiously rude things like talking about trans girl on social media websites then deleting her (yeah, trans girl was friend requested a while before by one power that be and while still "friends" powers that be posted trash talk about trans girl, specifically mentioning things about her in very childish, rude words)

Along with being treated like less than every other employee by certain powers that be, trans girl's hours went from about 35-37 to 13 in the span of two weeks. That's a very drastic slash in hours and over the next three schedules, those hours went from 13 to 11 down to 7, respectively. So trans girl decides things need to take a GIGANTIC step towards a new chapter in her life...and here we are in the present.

From those powers that be deciding to do everything they can to make her miserable to cutting her hours drastically

     (on more than three different occasions they cut HER hours 

even though other coworkers did blatant things that could 

have deserved having their hours cut, like cursing at 

customers and not showing up for their scheduled shifts 

regularly...but those powers that be didn't show ANY 

bias whatsoever...none. Just sayin)

     I hope you enjoyed my story and I hope it has a happy ending some day in the near future, at least for trans girl...nah, I'm not good at hating on most people so I truly hope the powers that be find a way to be happy too and treat others with respect and dignity in the future. I'm pretty sure that those specific powers that be chose to be exactly that way to trans girl and not to anyone else so maybe by her changing her course of life, she takes their negativity away from them  as much as removing herself from it. I also hope for no harm or bad karma to come to anyone involved.

Prayers, good thoughts and comments are welcome as always, thank you for taking the time to read my words.

It's Getting Too Real

     I'm going to warn you here, there aren't any witty jokes or positivity or anypictures to brighten the mood and there is strong language present. Read at your own risk.

     I'm so beyond fucked. And so far everything I do turns to shit. Whether I pray and ask God for help or try to cheat and steal my way to being okay, nothing is ever different. I lose and I get humiliated and I end up on the sad or angry or empty end of things.

My friends have always been great but that's it...I lost the ability to love or feel love or understand it, I have no "wins", no little battle victories, nothing to look at and say "I just have to____ and then it'll work out."

The ONE thing I've been looking for was transitioning and I am watching that quickly fade away from me over the stupidest fucking thing: Money. I need a cardiologist but no one will see me without paying and all my money is going to rent. And since I can't get food stamps, I'm fucked with that so I have to pay for food and that leaves me with nothing. And as of tonight, I won't even have internet at least for a little while.

Anyone tha tknows me knows this will isolate me in a way I don't know if I can handle. I use dto say I don't know what to do. I used to hope that there was some supernatural entity that comes and saves the day but tas each day/minute/second goers by I feel like even if that happens, I don't want their help anymore. Like I'm so angry and hurt and destroyed that even if somehting does work out, I won't even enjoy it. Like who the hell cares if I get the body I want if I'm so bitter and so empty that I hate everything!?

What am I? WHAT THE FUCK AM I?! I don't even feel human anymore, I feel like so much less than human after being shown that even scumbags who rape or steal can get help from the gov't but I, a noon jailed non married non drug using visually male, deserve to starve and rot. According to the governmental assistance, that's al that matters. I didn't do drugs or have kids with random women and I didn't go to jail for stealing so I'm fine.

Basically they're saying that I don't deserve any help because I didn't choose to destroy my life but by saying that, they're destroying my life.

My anxiety grows by the minute and makes it hard to work, fight or even stay alive but I need to work, fight and stay alive because...I'm supposed to? I don't even know why anymore.

I'm out of answers...hell, I don't even know what questions I'm supposed to ask or who I'm supposed to talk to. I'm blinded by the negativity that just engulfs everything.

And I'm suposed to believe that God is taking care of me, that God is in control and all I have to do is pray and read and the anxiety will suddenly clear up and le tme do normal things, I'll find a hidden ad for a great apartment and I won't want to fucking kill myself because everything will stop sucking so much that there's nothing but bitterness and empty hollow loveless speech??

Is that what's supposed to happen? Is that it? Did I just sin one too many times? Did I constantly choose a pencil instead of a pen and God gave up on me?? Cause that's how I feel right now, I feel like I made the wrong decsions as a little kid and God just made the consequences worse and worse and by the time I was old enough to make serious decisions, even the right ones have bitter painful consequences that make my life worse and worse.

Three years ago, I had 3,000 dollars in my account and was planning a trip across the globe and right now...just three years later, I'm barely hanging on to a worthless hollow life that seems to hate me. I've been trying to pray and read and talk to God and ask toerhs to pray for me but the more I try or the more I have ANY hope that things will not be the worst, the worse things get.

Every single fucking time I start even the tiniest bit to have any hope, something destroys it. Every single time. And it's always in such a giant way that I can't do anything about it but get swept away in all of it. It's like when you read about or watch documentaries about serial killers; you see the victims trying so hard to get away and you think 'they deserve to break free and live' and they sometimes even have a great chance but in the end they die...no happy endings, no freedom, no deserved life.

And this is not a drunken or drug induced post, I'm not writing this unde rany influence, I've never done a drug in my life...this is my life. This is what every choice and every action has led to. I'm moving again. I just had to tell the gov't worker to cancel any food stamps because I'm gonna screw anyone who's address I use, I don't have it in me to "be a  man" (in every sense of the phrase), I can't see a cardiologist because they just want money that I don't have, I can't transition because of the cardiologist that doesn't exist, I'm about to have about 40 dollars for two wekes that has to feed me clothe me and cobver any extra expense, I officially can't do anything fun or anything to relieve any stress or anything that doesn't add more fucking stress to my already stress riddled stupid worthless life...

    I've been saying for so long that there's always another option, there's always something else you can do but this point makes me feel like a liar. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing and it make smy life harder and less worth finishing. I am not strong enough to keep up the intensity for much longer and I fucking hate more and more and care less and less on the regular.

I. Am. Fucked.

Awkward level: Expert

     Please tell me you remember Steve Urkel. You what??! You don't? Are you calling me old? Ok...yeah, I guess you have a point. Ok so Steve Urkel was a character in a 90's sit-com called Family Matters. You have probably heard the theme song from another one of your old friends (yes, we're friends now and no you can't opt out. Friends are forever)
So this show is based on a good family (the Winslows) and their wacky clumsy neighbor, a young Stephen Urkel, who is a scientist and ruins pretty much everything he touched (except when the writers needed him to do things like...be a scientist)

He comes over all the time without knocking, because neighbors in the 90's were that close, and he was madly in love with the Winslow daughter Laura. Urkel was a lovable loser and he played very well off of his counter part family, mainly the father Carl.

He would come over and the family would be working on a house of cards, slowly standing them up and clearly it took them many hours to work on. Steve would walk in and knock over a broom which would hit the chair at the table housing the elaborate card building...and can you guess what happens next?

Yup, you're right. Carl tries to stop the chair, bumps into Laura and she lands face fist into a pie (there was always a pie for someone's face to end p in) and when the crowd stopped laughing, the house of cards would topple and Urkel would give his famous line, "Ask not what you can do for..." Oh, wait...wrong quote. No, he'd say, "Did I do that?"

The reason I'm bringing all this up is to explain how I see myself a majority of my life. I am quite adept at making the worst of a mistake and creating big problems for anyone close to me at the time.
I don't mean exactly the way Urkel did, he would comically bump into something or drop something and the show would turn into a living Mouse trap game. This hits that and that knocks over a thing, which falls on [insert item that is meant to be protected]

I have had my moments like that but overall, I'm more of the person who says the worst thing at thew worst time or that person that loses or breaks the ONE thing I need at the one moment I need it most and if I were on a sit-com, there would be a moment where I look at the camera and say some silly phrase while waiting for a crowd to laugh and clap. And what makes things worse is I have times where I can see it coming, I can recognize when I'm in the middle of saying or doing something that I'm going to majorly regret. In my mind I'm screaming,

"STOP! STOP NOW! Ok. stop now...You...you didn't stop. 

Why didn't you...Oh and now you're still going?! 

Why would you still go?! What could you...oh boy...you just made it worse. 

You couldn't possibly make it...wow...you. just. made. it. worse."

I can sometimes see that I'm about to ruin things and I could do one of two things: I could keep going and hope it doesn't go as bad as it could (hint: It ALWAYS goes worse than the worst I imagined it could go) Or I could try to do the opposite or change what I'm doing at least a little. And I've heard that going with your first instinct is usually better than trying to overcompensate so I try to steer the ship out of the way of damage.

I am convinced that even when I try to do the opposite of the wrong decision, I make that choice at the wrong times...George
Costanza's theory fails me.

And as comical as some of this can be or even harmless overall, it drives me mad when I know what I'm going to say is going to be the wrong thing.

You want an example? Like from a tv show? Oh from my life? I can give you one that was hilarious afterwards and barely anyone caught it but I still remember it like it happened yesterday. And I still get embarrassed and laugh most of the time about it.

So the scene is at my church, I was in charge of the morning adult Sunday school service (not like a pastor, kinda the pre service service) I led our tiny group in songs and maybe brought up a verse or something like that.

Well the end came and in my mind I smoothly finished it by saying, "Thanks for coming and you can all circumvent to wherever you are going." then I smiled and everyone clapped and gave me a standing ovation. And then they threw roses at me and asked me to give a speech on how great it is to be me.

Now here's how it happened outside the awkward playground that is my mind. My mouth opened, words started falling weirdly out and they sounded like this, " Ok everyone, thanks for you coming. You may all circumcise to your rooms..."

You may laugh, you may make fun of me (as if me not giving you permission would stop you) but know that I will laugh harder and make fun of me harder than you ever could. I was also soooo much more embarrassed at that moment when I realized one girl heard that and had to walk out of the room quick before bursting out in laughter.

That's the kinda funny thing I refer to when I talk about saying the wrong things at the wrong times. I'm not only good at it, I'm at expert level saying/doing the wrong things at the wrong times.

I hope this made someone laugh or relate in some way...good luck to us all.