Some Thoughts and Questions I have (April 17 2018)

     Today sure is kicking my butt so far. Being 8 I'm the morning when I'm starting this should explain the feeling behind that statement. Stupid stuff happened already but those physically annoying things aren't what has me as angry and life interrupted as some things that are on my mind. 

Spiritually:

I have been putting much thought into the morals of God and where He wants me to be with my own morals. There are so many intangibles in my life that aren't clear black and white/right or wrong that I need to learn for myself when I should be more liberal and open minded or more hardlined. Cursing, drug use and transgenderism are all major topics I am trying to learn the morals about that are not as clear as I once thought.

Cursing: 

Cursing is an interesting one because society has these specific words right now that represent unChristian like behavior. I don't say that about people who don't believe so much but if anyone sees a Christian and then later hears them curse, the first thought is "I thought they were Christian." 

The Bible does talk about being above reproach, which makes sense, but my question comes when talking about cursing in a non hateful or threatening way. Does God care if I use those specific societal words to express how bad my day is or how big something is or how great some sports game was? 

Like if I said, "Did you see that pass?! It was f***ing epic!" about my favorite hockey player; is that considered cursing in God's opinion? Or does He care more about speaking like: "That guy? He's stupid garbage!" Is that what God considered cursing? Or both? 

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he gets to heaven and Peter gets him and says, "Welcome to f***ing heaven." While I don't think it'll be like that exactly, I do wonder if God is ashamed when a person judges someone else because they have trouble not cursing in some scenarios. 

Drug use:

     Drugs are another very big topic to me, not because I'll ever truly consider using recreational drugs so much but because I do not want to blindly be against or for something without knowing if it's actually good or bad. It's easy to be against most of the hard drugs, there are a lot of  polls and studies that show how dangerous cocaine is but the same cannot be said for marijuana. Does God care if a person uses cannabis oils? And if that's okay by God, is smoking pot okay in any form or amount? 

Again, I'm not saying you should do any of this but I am asking the questions for the sake of knowledge. I have learned that no one side of anything tells both sides of any topic. So I am asking both sides of these topics and I generally try to look at what each side says about the pros and cons. 

Them there's one of my favorite toys to both have a larger understanding of and seemingly know nothing about at the same time.

Transgenderism:

     I do not like straw man arguments but sometimes a strategy makes a good point so I'm going to try to use a strategy without making up a fake argument just to "win" it. 

I have a few questions for those who don't believe trans people are right or exist. One is can a person change their gender? 

If yes: problem solved and we're done here. (I know none of the people I'm referring to would say yes)

If no: if I cannot actually change my gender, then what I'm doing is cosmetic surgery or taking medicine to change my body to help me feel better and as an adult who has been dealing with this issue my whole life and as someone who is NOT doing this for any sexual purpose, I have trouble understanding why people would cut me out of their lives over it. I know the Bible doesn't directly oppose someone being trans and as far as I've studied (which I'm willing to change my opinion of I'm shown convincing evidence) the Bible does not make it clear that transitioning is a sin. 

If transitioning is nothing more than a cosmetic thing and cosmetic changes are the issue for some people, why are trans people so wrong but people getting nose and boob jobs aren't treated with the same fervor? 

And if it's about identifying as the opposite sex, I need much clarification. Should I just ignore my thoughts at all times, never ever "be myself" or "love myself" and hide behind anyone else's ideas of who I am for the rest of my miserable life? To those who I'm talking to, what reason do I have to continue living that life? It's so easy to tell someone else what they're doing wrong and how they're not right but to help them through problems or to give them other reasonable solutions...now that's not quite so easy.

     I know that for each of my thoughts/questions, there are other sides that I am not addressing here. Believe me, I have and will discuss more of each issue, question and consideration in the future.

Just some things I've been thinking about but I don't want to 

make this diary entry TOO long. Thanks for reading.

I Dreamt a Dream Last Night

     I had a dream last night, Friday February 16th, 2018:

I was in the middle of a dream about my church starting a petting zoo full of very interesting animals. There were giant owls and all kinds of furry things that were very nice to kids and in the middle of it, two guys started to have a catch. They made a competition of it and were having fun  when I saw two girls walking and arguing. One was holding a hockey stick and I yelled to everyone at the zoo, "Hey! I'm having a memory! Stop. That's a memory,.not a dream."

The entire zoo art my church and the two guys having a catch and everyone at my church stopped as if they were all on break at a job while I walked toward these two girls, one was a tall girl with red hair and the other was a shorter girl with dirty blonde hair, and they were arguing over who gets to keep a hockey stick. It was my old hockey stick and the shorter girl was someone I dated a very long time ago, a girl I loved very deeply.

They were yelling and the shorter girl was crying while the taller girl was just angry; I interrupted them, "Hey, hey. You can stop fighting. Please stop fighting or being sad." The tall girl dropped the stick and I continued, "You both get to be happy. You both get to get what you want, you get to be happy in your life. Without me."

The tall girl looked bored with the conversation and walked away uncaringly. The shorter girl was crying and didn't understand, "You get to have what you want, and be really truly happy." I said calmly.

She tried to come close enough to me to hug or something, looking for some kind of affection but I stopped her respectfully, "You get to have what you want, you get to really be happy. You get to." She was calming down and starting to understand the gravity of my words, realizing I meant in her future and not that I was just dumping her or something like that.

"And...I'm gonna be a girl." she looked shocked and confused by that. She stopped crying completely and slowly was growing into the idea that she was going to get to be happy. She didn't even ask about what I said about myself, she just accepted that and was walking away from me.

I remember feeling sad that she was walking away, not because I wanted her to stay with me but that I didn't want to be alone. She walked far enough that I couldn't see her anymore and the whole time, she was getting happier and happier.

Then I woke up. Feeling nostalgic and really sad and kinda happy for her in a depressing way and lonely. Lonely.

The Trait I admire and Respect Most

     What is the great trait one can live by? What is the one thing that one can use and still be above most? 

Surprisingly no, not even all the money in the world is as imporant as this one character trait. Still not sure what it is?

Not fame either, although that's pretty cool. Give up?

     Okay, since you give up...I'll tell you.

To me the mos timportant thing anyone can do is be loyal. Be a friend who is there (whether in constant agreement and support or friends who don't see eye to eye on everything), be a lover who doesn't walk away, be a coworker who helps when the going gets tough...just be loyal.

     I've had people of all kinds walk away from me, blood family is not exempt from this list and it is always a shock and always painful to me. I've seen people I thought were close friends, people who told me they'll be there for me, and then I saw those same people disappear when I needed them the most. Not cool. 

I guess because that happened to me so much at crucial times, it became so vital to me. Friends with money or some kind of power can go away or hurt the friendship but loyalty should be something you wear proudly and use often.

     Now on the other hand, I want to talk about loyalty that has been shown  to me. It comes in the form of firends who have been there for me at my worst tiems and they still show their loyalty to me even now.

My friends constantly show me why being loyal is an honor. I've always believed that everyone has an average of 3 friends who are there for you all your life, three friends who will never ever leave your side even if they're across the country or world. And if that's true, I have ruined the averages for
a lot of people because I have so many of those kind of friends. In 2000, I joined my church and have enjoyed a big group of people who love and care for me from then on, picking up a few between then and now.

There have been times where I wanted to give up and these friends showed me their loyalty and their love and it brought me back from the dark places my mind was nearing.




     So for these reasons that I've experienced on both sides of this particular tcharacter trait, I say that being loyal and seeing loyalty is the greatest attribute one can have. And I can't thank those friends enough for being this to me, there are too many of you to name but if you have been this to me you know who you are.

Accepting My New Journey

     I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and hope that it resonates with someone...anyone really. I started this as a written journal in early 2012 as a way to release the negative emotions, the demons if you will, that have been heavily weighing me down for as long as I can remember. I thought I wanted to die but in truth, I wanted to live and be happy AND I thought I couldn't attain that so the next best thing is to end it all...incorrect, I know, but that's what I thought.

Through the years, I've learned a lot about my own mind and what some of the real issues are that plague me. One thing that has never changed is the nature of wanting to be a helper to people.

I've always had a go between nature that has guided my choices in friends and things I do. I haveconstantly tried to help the left out, the castaways, the black sheep. I even relate to peace making characters in tv shows, movies or books; for example, Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet (I read the book years before Leonardo made it popular so...extra credit for me) and Bull Shannon from Night Court (see my previous entry about characters I want to be like for a full description).

Those characters and a plethora of others are my favorites because they could pick one side but they feel the need to see things from both perspectives and try to help bridge gaps in enemies and I try my best to build bridges in everyday life ina  bunch of ways.

     I have a few examples of everyday bridge building that show my perspective.

I was working as a cashier andf a customer was not paying attention, an old woman's items came to a certain amount (I forge the exact amount so I'm making it up) it came to $12.83 and she would not look at me or respond to anything I said, things like, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Do you have a savings card with us?" 

So I told her the price and did my best to not sound angry when telling her the price of her stuff and waited for her to pay. She began rummaging through her change and I put my hand right next to her purse, clearly waiting for her to put the coins in my hand. My hand was directly under her hands and she moved away from my hands and rudely dropped the change on the counter, causing me to have imaginations of committing Looney Tune type voilence to her self. And mind you my imagination is very vivid so I was supressing it as much as humanly possible. 

Now I could have yelled at her, ignored it or done something back like wait for her to pick it up but I decided to take a second and restrain my mouth from yelling. Then I calmly said to her,"Ya know, when you throw change on the counter like that, cashiers take it as an insult. If you didn't do that, they would appreciate it very much." (again, my memory of the exact words are foggy but it was very similar to this) and she looked at me (for the first time in this entire exchange) and gave me a shocked look, as if I told her I ran over her newborn grandson and finished paying. 

Now I'm sure I should have ignored that but in my mind I was trying to explain in a calm manner to her that the act she performed was not the best way she could do that and a way to build a bridge between her and all cashiers. I truly meant all of that with positivity and care for her even though she complained to my manager. 

Numerous times I have talked to people who have the appearance of seeming uneasy with me in a  open way that shows them I see them as people and not just another customer. I try to make my words personal when I talk to people, making sure to listen and be aware of what others are doing or going through, it often benefits everyone involved. 

     Another giant example of me trying to put this peace maker thing into rpactice in my life is when I come across anyone in service of our country. When I see a police officer, a fire fighter or anyone who is or was in the service (when I know it, of course) I make sure to thank them for their service and tell them I appreciate what they do. That has shown to be a great decision, sometimes they say thank you and go about their business but sometimes they smile, thank me and look honored to be recognized. Those 

situations are worth every effort and they build a relationshiop between society and those people who may not specifically put their life on the line at any point butjust committing to do the job they do, that alone risks their life. 

     All of these examples ar emy way of showing that the gift I have is being a peace maker at heart, it's something that makes me feel like I am useful here on earth when I see it working somehow. 

It makes me feel like I am here for a reason when I'm in one of those situations where I'm able to help someone who looks or feels left out or build some bridge with someone somehow. 

Anyway, my point with all of this is that I have a place on earth and right now with me transitioning, I feel even more confident that I have a place wher I can not only be a peace maker but I can use my situation and my experience in church and with God to show transgendered people that theyr're people too even though they go through a lot of negative stuff.  

Being a trans person who is about to start my new journey, who is right leaning politically, who has been through as much as I've been through and who believes in God and Chritianity I feel there is a bridge that NEEDS to be built between anyone in the larger circles I'm starting to join or associate with and the church. 

I'm starting to feel like there is a reason for me here, finally. If indeed God has led me to this point in my life, I see why a lot of things didn't go the way I thought i wanted them to go throughout my life. And I am okay with a lot of those things, those things I saw as failure makes sense more now than ever before. 

Epic Ranting Time (NSFW)

     I'm going to warn you right now, this I am in a horrible mood and I am going to be letting out some very harsh emotions and using strong language that I do not normally use. It is the me that no one sees and it's not an attractive trait. As I write this, I feel dumb for getting so mad but it's not the first, second or five thousandth time something like this has happened to me and it is a microcosm of everything I try to do...so here we go...

     Tonight I felt alone. And not in the "I have no friends around" kinda way although that was true (with the exception of a good friend texting me during the hockey game) I felt alone in the "God is not here for me" kind of way. Now I know a lot of people that would tell me I'm wrong and that I need to trust Him or  read or pray more. I'm not going to pretend I'm consistent with any of that but what I do see consistently is there is nothing I can do without a GIANT fight. Nothing.

Whether I curse or speak politely, whether I steal or give, whether I wait patiently or take what I want when I want it...it always ends up the same; something makes everything I do so hard that even when/if I get it, I am so angry beyond rage that I don't care about anything or anyone or what happens.

And the worst part is it's not only big life changing things, it's not like I can't seem to get that big house way up in the west hills without something going so wrong that even if I do get it eventually I'm just beyond angry. It's like what happened tonight:

I am sitting here, angry and trying to calm down so I pray and ask God to help me calm down. As I finish that, I am reminded that a friend gave me a season of a tv show (House season 2, my second favorite show and my second favorite season) I forgot he gave it to me and was looking at it like,

"Ok God, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I could 

really use that to relax and calm down. That's perfect."

And so I pick it up and open the case, finding that the little plastic pieces holding the discs is broken. Not something worth freaking out about, just a little annoying. Ok so what. I press the little button to open the disc drive on my computer and it pops out. Good so far, right? Right.

I put the DVD in and it does nothing. After waiting a few minutes, I go into the folder and find the contents of the DVD and click on it. My computer freezes for what seemed like an eternity and I end up force closing the program and reopening it. Same results. Try again? Yeah ok, sounds smart...same result again and again and again. By now, I'm trying not to shout but it's getting harder and harder by the second.

I just want the DVD to work so I can calm down and relax while laughing at Greg House

 That's all I want and by that point, I was doing all I can to keep from cursing at my inanimate object of a computer. So I FINALLY get it to open without freezing and I open my Windows Media Player. It doesn't automatically just play because that's what happens when I do something. I go into the folder for my DVDs and drag and drop the files into the Media Player and to my surprise...they don't work.
     ...of course they don't. I tried each file individually and none worked. I tried to put them all in at once, nope. I tried to reopen the program...nothing again. I kept getting a pop up that said it can't open the files because there's a problem or something like that.

OF FRICKIN COURSE NOT! I'm starting to boil with more than anger at that point.

     Side Note: Oh by the way, my current computer (one that I have taken great care of over the not even year that I've used it) is literally falling apart from absolutely nothing. My previous computer was destroyed because one night I was angry and accidentally broke it. I was so angry over something not working that was supposed to that I hit it and eventually broke it.

So I calmly and gently take the DVD out and restart it. Same results and I try a different program. It opens and that program starts. YES!! Ok, I can come back from this point of anger as long as SOMETHING just works for me. Up until this point, I didn't even think about if it wasn't going to work, I have used this computer recently to play DVDs so there shouldn't be this issue.

I figured that I just gotta do one little thing different and it'll work, I must be making some mistake that keeps it from running as usual. I've been told recently that I do things expecting it to go wrong and that's why things go wrong for me. I didn't even have that in my mind till just after this point.

The program opens and it has the option to play the DVD. ALRIGHT! SO I press the play button and that screen with the run time comes up but there is not time counter, the spot where it's supposed to start counting to show it's playing is faded and at 00:00:00 (on both ends so there's nothing to play and nothing is playing)

"Of Fucking course! C'mon! JUST PLAY! PLEASE??!" I say to my computer that has no way of answering me.

Nothing changes and I shut the program and restart it, trying again. This time I'm near that explosion point, holding on by threads to sanity in this situation. A thread...a very thin thread.
I watch the program do the exact same thing and those threads are pulling from both ends. "JUST...PLEASE?! LIKE REALLY??!"

I get to that same place where the DVD is supposed to play the show and nothing again.

By now, I've gotten past just anger into very very near rage, I am growing a migraine, still angry about the hockey game, I'm feeling alone, I'm sweaty and annoyed and I am beyond ready to destroy the hell out of this computer. So having the program mocking me by what it did next was that breaking point.

It FINALLY opened and I heard Hugh Laurie's voice...for about two seconds. It's in the middle of a random episode and it freezes after two words by the Dr that he all love.

After hearing it and seeing the freezing screen, I about yell, "COME FUCKING ON! WHY??! WHY ARE YOU...AAAAH!" And this is where I start losing my mind. Between the many many curse words that I made sure my inanimate object of a computer heard and my beat red face, I couldn't hold in the rage anymore. It was just too much.

I insulted my computer so much, I'm pretty sure I made up many words just to use against it. And when I decided to just give up on watching the DVD, I stood up and used my full lungs to make it known just how much I can't stand that everything I do (no matter what it is), I fail and end up so angry that I don't care if I get my desired results or not.

I didn't care by that point if the DVD worked perfectly from that very moment on, it didn't matter anymore because I already blew up and lost every ounce of sanity and calmness that I so very needed. I blew up for about an hour...literally one.full.hour.

So after spraying the computer with my anger spit and finally grabbing some semblance of myself, I tried to calm somewhat down from all of that. All I wanted to do was calm down in the first place but the ONE thing I wanted to do was watch a show that I knew would help me laugh and relax a little. So I thought, "Ok. O-mother f*****g-K! I'll find my 2 terabyte hard drive and watch something from there. Screw you, piece of shit computer! I'm, not letting you win! Screw the FUCK out of you! Piece of garbage! I'm so sick of..." and with that, I threw about a thousand more degrading words together.

Of course I couldn't find my hard drive, because that's what I do. I misplace whatever it is I want only at the time that I want it." I stopped and just sat down in the middle of my room floor and just looked up. "Why God? Why do you let this happen to me ALWAYS?! It's always when I need something the most that it's not there or it doesn't work or I mess it up. Always when I need it the most"

I'm just sitting there, speechless and so beyond angry. All I wanted was to compose myself and get to the point of being able to put the stuff that had me in a bad mood out of my mind. But at that point I just...I just don't care.

I don't care that my migraine is hitting me or that my computer is falling apart or that NOTHING is ever simple; all I care about is why God is ignoring my pleas. "God, really?! This is what you want from me?? You want me to just never be okay? Ever?! You don't care that I just need something from you??! DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Do you care??!" I look up and wait a moment.

"Do something! Like now! I don't care if it's good, do something bad, something that I don't like or want...just DO.SOMETHING.NOW." nothing happens.

"Do something so I know you exist..or you're listening...or something to show me you even care that I need you to show me something..." nothing happens. "Anything? Anything at all? I'm not asking for money or everything to work out. I'm not even asking for ANYTHING to work out, God.Just do SOMETHING."

As if He is standing above me, I look up and in just sad rage I say, "DO YOU EXIST?! DO YOU CARE DO YOU KNOW I'M IN NEED? Not just want: need. I need to know you are there."

And like everything else in my life, I do not get the desired result, I get an alone and abandoned feeling. I didn't kick something or throw my computer

(I wanted to so so bad...but I didn't. 

You want proof? Well, I'm typing on that computer 

right now. You wouldn't be reading this if I did)

And I finally calmed down a little, not in a "wow I feel okay" kinda way or a "Now that that's out of my system, I can relax" kinda way; it's more like a "I have no more physical energy and if I get any angrier, I will break something that I reeeeally need to not break" kinda way.

I've been going through a lot lately and it seems like there's no right answer to anything, like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't to everything. I'm not making any threats, that's not what this is about; this is about the emotion and the inability to do anything without it going so badly that I can't win.

I need prayer, badly right now. I truly want to believe God cares but my experiences have not been kind to me and it's getting harder by the minute to hold onto even the desire to care. Right now the only motivation I have to even go on is my upcoming transition. The thought of future girls nights and getting dressed up and not feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wearing inappropriate clothes, those are the only thing I'm clinging to right now.

I know this isn't nice or something I'm proud of writing...I'm sorry if this bothers you to read. It bothers me too, but it is the absolute brutal and completely vulnerable honesty. One of the very few things I see about myself as a successful trait is my opaque honesty and this...well, there is no more vulnerable moment than when one is alone and yelling at God because one feels lost, left out and unloved.

Thank you for reading...

Dreaming a Little Dream

     I work as a cashier, I live in someone's apartment, I take walks with my friends, I watch hockey, I pray to God, I buy jewelry and internet window shop for clothes or makeup, I eat terribly (for now at least), I draw, I play PS2 and Nintendo and Super Nintendo, I paint my nails, I watch YouTube videos, I listen to pandora.com, I read about trans people and trans issues, I play on Facebook or Instagram and on the rare occasion I get some sleep. That about it for my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life routines.

Then there's my unroutine stuff (I make up words, get over it)

     I question every word I use and every choice I make, I try so hard to not do certain things that I cause myself to do them, I mumble, I over emphasize words, I make sure to not bother anyone ever, I ask my friends over and over if I am annoying them or making things harder for them, I stay in my room when I feel extra introverted, I lose my voice without any reason, I look down because I feel like less than human, I break plans and let people down regularly because I feel like they'll be better off if I'm not around them, I freak out in my mind so hard that it makes me sweat and not able to think, I wish I was different...like really really hard and I shut down when stress takes over my ability to think straight.

This photo is a correct assessment of my brain a lot of the time. 

     So I had all these expectations for my life a long time ago, expectations that I felt I was able at a time to fulfill; I also included life and things that were out of my control. I expected to have to deal
with bills, things breaking down and having to work long hours or hard jobs.

I also expected to have to take care of babies and make phone calls and clean up after a bad dog...

What I didn't expect was to have a long term crippling desire/need to feel comfortable and the fight that that came with. I didn't expect to be beaten down so hard that even simple things like believing in God or believing that God would care about me seems impossible.

I didn't expect to be treated by a father so badly that I genuinely doubt anyone's love when they say or try to show it to me ever and I also didn't expect anxiety to cause nonsensical things to push me down daily.

     I must say I have learned some pretty important things through my struggles though and some of them are priceless...and some plague me almost minute by minute.

I've learned that I do not want to die.
      this is pretty big, a few years ago, I would have disagreed with this if I was being brutally honest with you. I thought for so long that I was only here because some truck didn't yet veer off the road and finish me off. I'm not saying that is fixed in me but the things I've encountered and the battles I've fought have made me stronger in some ways.

Whether some believe or not, I believe that some of the things I had to fight for and lost or the things I wasn't able to achieve were because I was destined for the journey I'm fighting for and happy to take on now.

The road from Vincent to Layla has been a scary, nearly deadly and nothing short of interesting one, one that I would not be on if any number of things had worked out over the last 20 years. If I met a woman and got married or if I had not been so discouraged in school and actually tried at all and gotten on a career path or if I had gotten into drugs and the friends that often comes with

...these are just a few things that could and would have changed how my life played out. I don't think I would be transitioning right now if I had a family (I'm not discouraging anyone in that situation from anything they think is right and to be brutally honest, I think I would not still be here rather than ruin lives by exposing my true thoughts on a wife and kids)

I've learned who my true friends are
     I explained before that being a true friend does not mean you should support anything they want to do so this is not attacking anyone that has decided to cut me out of their life, but I will say this: BROWNIE POINTS to the people who have not cut me from their life because of my decision to embrace my inner life and do what it takes to actually feel happy. This struggle is very very real and the friends who have kept in touch or have let me talk "girl talk" or the ones who are willing to listen to what I have to say are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge at times.

My life is owed to my friends, you can tell me I'm wrong for thinking that or for putting that on their shoulders but it is true. I have only succeeded in anything that I have succeeded in because I had someone else there to share my joys with or help me through the hard parts, I feel very strongly in this philosophy:

So without all of those people, I would have given up by now. And that includes the people who cannot support my decision. The ones I'm referring to have always displayed love and strength and I appreciate and respect them and will miss every one of them immensely everyday.

I've learned that needing help isn't always a weakness
     I have had to humble myself and go to hospitals, I've had to break down and tell people that I'm not okay and I've had to share my painful details with doctors and strangers at times in  the last few years. And I have learned that those times that I had to get rid of my personal expectations and I had to bruise my ego... and that was okay. That was not wrong.

In fact those things were the right things to do, rather than keep trying to put band aids on my issues and move on. Breaking down is not a weakness, it can in the future be turned into a strength.


   

I want to end this with a question:

What have you learned through your struggles?

The Good and The Not So Good

     How's your day, you ask? How's life, you question? What's going on, you...inquisite? I know that's not a word but you asked, you shouldn't make up words.

     Ok so I will answer your questions. So here it goes: Good, good.
Well that's what I say when I don't want to say that things aren't great or tell someone my actual goings on. The truth is things are tough. I've been dealing with a lot and most of them are things that aren't going away or things that can't be wished away by saying, "I'm here for you. You got this." In fact, most of the things I'm going through, I need either a massive amount of money or people to be actually around for semi long times.

     I'm not saying that encouraging statements are wrong or that I don't appreciate them when people who can't do more or don't know what to do say them. Please don't take that for me saying I don't appreciate the thought. But the honest truth is that I'm struggling. Usually I'm struggling with internal stuff like figuring out my gender identity issues or dealing with the fact that I have such bad luck that EVERYTHING that could go the opposite of my way does. Ev. Ry. Time.

     These are usually what I am thinking about or dealing with when you ask me what's up so you now know when I say I'm good that really, I'm not exactly good. BUT...

     But there is another side, a side that I sometimes don't acknowledge because my identity gets lost in misery sometimes. I look at myself as the sad or unfortunate one, kinda lie the Toby Flenderson version of Neo. (I know you like my photoshop skillz)

   Hahaha, anyway back to my point: I do have some good things that I think about and that I have in my life:

First thing that I cannot express how great it is would be my friends. My friends are my family, I'm not going to name everyone because I would leave people out by accident but you know who you are. I have lots of people who mean lots to me, these are people who have saved my life and continue to be a support system when I need it. They also on occasion use my services whether it's babysitting or helping out in some other way, they help me feel needed even in little ways.

     And there's another thing that makes me crazy happy that is a part of who I am. It's big and cold and has blue and red lines and it contains some of the coolest people and...it has...rubber...on it... Ok, I'm out, it's an ice rink. It's also hockey. I love it so much, I think I was born with skates, the Dr just hid them when I skated out...hmm...maybe I should curb my imagination. Nah, deal with it.
   
     Hockey has been my saving grace from summer every year since I became a fan, anyone on my FB knows of my countdowns from the first day of summer till the first preseason nhl game of the season...that's right. I can't even wait till just regular season, I go crazy for the first preseason. And as a Flyers fan, that usually means a game I can't go to but still keep up with the score as if it's a pivitol playoff game. Hockey was the thing God used to bring me into church in a way and it has been one of the biggest uses for me to socialize with society. One of my favorite memories was when the Flyers won game 7 vs Boston in 2010: we went to the Wells Fargo Center to watch the game being played in Boston. There were 20,000 fans there and we all enjoyed the win. Afterwards, as we exited the parking lot (which took us over an hour to just get out of the not that big parking lot) fans were high fiving each other, going around to random cars and talking about the game and sharing drinks and stories. The comradery of the sport is much fun.

     And art. Oh art, you make me swoon. Photography, drawing, painting, music, creating videos and short films...there's so much to talk about in this...this writing. This is another one of the best "goods" that keeps me sane and helps me on a regular basis. I don't acknowledge it because that's vain or something but I love knowing that I'm good at something and for it to be photography or drawing, that means a lot to me. It's so therapeutic to put what's in my head on paper or into a YouTube video is immeasurable.

     So although I, at times, don't see it I have some awesome 'good' and some terrible 'not so good' that is always on my mind. Sometimes I need to remind my face about the good stuff. That's kinda hat this letter to myself is all about.

Have a wonderful day

Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.