Deconstructing Vincent Joseph

     I've been a Christian since 2001 June 27th to be exact) and since then I've tried to surround myself with people who I want to be like and keep away from all that I shouldn't have in my life...well I've tried and tried and tried.

     My friends and the people I associate with has been very important because of the bad apple theory, one bad apple can ruin all the good ones around it, and I've carried that in my social media life and I've tried to be both a "good apple" to those who need to see one around me and in the barrel with good apples. 

     The good things about that theory have been evident: I have successfully learned what being a drunk or a drug addict is before falling for any of that, my social media life has been respectful and always at a higher standard, I've at times learned how to keep up with certain things that I couldn't learn with people who are even at my level and I accepted God in my life at a time when  I could have accepted any amount of terrible things. All that was because I got rid of toxic people and influences from my life and tried my best to stick by the people and things that were better than...well, me.

     Then there is the part that is a big ol' pile of...confusion.  There's the paradox that this creates. So being around people who are better than me has had enormous positive side effects on me BUT at a point that started becoming toxic too in a way. I'm not successful, I haven't ever, in my entire life, even known how to try to be successful yet most of my friends have been born and bred to be a success story, they are all inspirationally great in at least a few ways. 

So I become the bad apple to them, which is evident to them when things come up like we go out to eat or they invite me somewhere that requires ID and I do my normal thing and lose mine while they are outside waiting, leaving me to have to walk out and sadly tell them to go without me because I lost the one thing I need at the moment. Situations like that come up on the regular with me and it's not that I don't get to do things necessarily or that I have to do more to keep up with anyone else; it's the part where I have to walk the long lonely walk to go and tell them that I can't go. That walk becomes harder each and every time I have to walk it. 

     So i walk that walk and the part about me is sad and my friends go on...and I go back somewhere alone...feeling like a full failure. And nothing else. It washes over me, it replays over and over, often I create how much I think they're better off without me. They're having more fun because they're good people and they got rid of the bad apple...so I must be the bad apple, right? Right?! And it only gets worse from there. Now this exact situation only happened once but similar things have occurred many times where I had to back out in order for everyone to have a better time or to actually enjoy themselves. 

     And since I have a literal mind that refuses to change that way of thinking, I look at the math of life: if I am the one that they have to wait for, and I am the one that friends have to pay for and I'm the one that usually doesn't understand things common to them and I am CONSTANTLY the one who doesn't have ANYTHING that they all have (families, lives, the importance of others) I do that math and the answer is I'm the problem. 

     So if I'm the problem, then I should take myself out of their equation to make their lives better and I sit alone and beat myself up over and over and over...and over and over. And it was just pointed out to me that when my friends come to spend time with me or try to cheer me up, while they've been in the real world and have been just doing what they do, I have been mentally destroying myself for so long that I don't even think of myself as human anymore.

So they are like, "Hey, haven't seen you i a while. You okay?" all cheerful and calm. And my response looks like I've been in a Taken movie standing opposite Liam Neeson's character. From my point of view, I'm coming out of a terrorizing situation and trying to calm down (slowly because I have trouble changing moods even when it's proven to me that I should) but to the friend, nothing is actually wrong and I bring them down in my slow reaction to their positivity. That in turn makes them not want to be around me or not really be able to handle my intense sadness/negativity...and when they leave or step back, I repeat the mental beating with more vigor than before. 

     This has grown from a small issue that I can let go of to a painful bitter ball in the pit of my stomach to this intense evil hatred that lives inside me. I know I need to change this, I know I need to accept that things are not the way I see them usually and I know that some of the damage that I saw and currently see as irreversibly broken are i fact possible to be repaired...somehow. Somehow...somehow...somehow; that words seems so far away and almost a fantasy of a dream. Someday (another far away word) I hope to understand how to use this deconstruction to fix some of this stuff.

     My goal with this and with my videos on YouTube and with my art and my prayers and my bible reading and my future therapy and my transitioning and everything else i try to do is all to find a way to be okay. I thank anyone who reads this and I hope it encourages you in any way at all. Let me know if it does, I could truly use that if it's true.

Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.