I have absolutely no idea what to do

.    So my life right now is a mess: I have so much anxiety issues that seem to be adding more and more problems each day, I don't work enough to sustain a human life, my stress level is way too high even before much happens and I quickly get to a point where I'm not able to handle even normal things, I have gender dysphoria, every day my confidence goes down and the little failures hurt more and more, I'm growing bitter in ways in can't seem to stop, I have literally the worst luck with anything that involves luck of any kind, bad things just happen to follow me around no matter what I do, I'm loved by friends and very cared about but I often feel I have no one in my corner in the way that most people in my life don't even know what it's like to not have and I think about death and suicide much more than I ever should.


     Anxiety and stress.

So I wake in the morning and if there is absolutely nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about, I'm fine and there's no stress. The problem is I don't recall ever having a day like that, ever. Going to work is stressful in itself and even on a really slow day, my stress levels are at a breaking point. Then a second day in a row multiplies that plus whatever things that don't work out our get stressful that day and buy the end I feel like I barely make it. Then a third day in a row of working or doing anything stressful literally leaves me shaking and unable to think straight enough to make normal decisions or follow through with everyday functionary actions. I sometimes feel like crying over things like having long lines as a cashier or dropping things 3 or 4 times in a row. And that's when I start just messing up everything I touch, as if I turn into a giant clutz.


     Luck of the draw.
If it can go wrong, it will and not only does it go wrong but it will humiliate me in the worst way possible. And it's not just a thing here or there, any time I do anything that involves luck in any way I have to prepare to either get ahead of it or expect to get whatever I want to not get. Like if I only work one day in a week, but I need it to not be a Wednesday can you guess which day I'll be scheduled? Some things I can get ahead of like that, I can request off that day. But if I leave it up to chance, 10 out of 10 times it will be whatever I don't want it to be. And then there's things like card games... If I'm playing settlers if caftan, I can count on having absolutely none of the one item I need at the end of the game. I usually start strong and just hit an embarrassing block that I can never get past. These are just a few examples, another would be getting my state ID. I went 6 times before I was able to get it. 6 times. It was insane, they found rains why things I Christy didn't fit the requirements even though I brought exactly what they told me to bring. It gets maddening when everything and anything gets stopped all the time.


     Then... The worst part of me, the thing that embarrassed me and hurts all the time. Love.

I was born into a "family" of strangers, people all thrown together who regularly found themselves at each other's throats or leaving someone high and dry without care for anyone but themselves. I do not mean all of my "family" out in fact most of them when they're sober, the fact if the matter is that most of the people related to me are drunks or drug addicts or have been at one time.

The influence is strong with those ones. My biological father (who I hope reads this some day and realized just how terrible a person he is and how much he hurt at least me) was at absolute best a scumbag from the darkest depths is selfish garbage. That is me being way being nice, I try not to curse as a regular form of expression and that human doesn't deserve me breaking that personal rule.

As for my mom and her side, I've always had a huge intangible space between me and almost all of them, I don't blame most of them for things not done perfectly or even done wrong. I honestly believe my mom and her brothers and parents never or rarely did things out of hate. They weren't saints but deep down they cared about each other for the most part.

With the good stuff said, I felt very separate from everyone related by blood to me (with the exception of my Uncle Ron, Uncle George, Uncle Mike and my cousin Ryan) and I don't recall a time where I felt like we loved each other, which left me starved for love and affection.

     And with the most subtle of transitions to another post if this topic, that brings me to romance. Ah the language of love, eh?

I've had some awesome moments, like when I took a girl's hand and we danced outside a fancy restaurant while people were talking about how sweet we looked. Sounds amazing... And it was a great moment, well it would have been better with someone who deserved it. I say this not as a bitter ex or in a malicious way, but as someone who can recognize the truth about someone that I used to have tinted glasses toward...she was an idiot. There have been a few other notable moments with other not worth mentioning idiots, cheaters and psycho, but very few girls that were genuinely with any attention.

Overall I've been very sad about the lack of returned affection in that area with one caveat, I have come out transgender within the last 2 years and that could be why nothing has ever worked out. I wasn't meant to be with any of the girls I dated because my destiny could be to become a woman who can do a little too help others in the same situation. (I completely understand that I can't become a true female, so you can hold any comments about that. I get it and don't have delusional thoughts that I can. It's just easier to say it than to constantly say 'i can become the closest facsimile to that of what I see myself as in my broken mind).

If that were to work out like I hope it does, I can in the future be accepted as Layla and live my life encouraging the people around me without feeling like I'm faking or lying about who I am at all times. I honestly believe that after going through transitioning and accepting that life and leaving romance behind, I can accept that the love that I'll receive is the love from friends and will only be platonic. I actually realized while typing this why transitioning is so important to me: I hate who I am and I hate that I'm not loved romantically but I am loved very deeply by friends. If I could find a way to love myself then u can accept that love of friends for what it is as opposed to now where I feel like it's a weak consolation prize. No offense to any of those friends, I love them all back very very much. (If you're in this group, I'm pretty sure you know)

     So here I am...A mess, trying to fix as much as I can while I feel like I'm on a  quickly sinking ship. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of succeeding and I'm afraid to be in the middle of those options.  So pray for me if you pay, send happy thoughts if that's what you do, donate time money or luck if you have any to spare and inspire others in my honor if you can.

Thanks for reading.

Too much: The Full Truth

     I don't know how to deal with everything and the more that happens, the more I shut down. Stress adds up, pushes me down and the more I shut down, the more stressful things keep adding on to my already not good life.

 
          So I want to look into why I think this:

   I was born into a terrible "family", one that at times tried overall to be good people, one that was filled with a bunch of people who weren't ready for all that they got into and it resulted in two dying mainly because of alcoholism, one committing suicide and another not far from that among other various horrible situations.

   I was never allowed to be myself and never able to grow up at the same rate as kids are supposed to and I definitely didn't get or feel the love that ids are supposed to get and feel. My biological father was (to explain in the nicest term I'm able to muster) scum...in every way. My mother tried but was overwhelmed by a lot and I saw that throughout my life near her.

   As a child, I was always alone and always felt left out, even when I was a kid and visited my childhood best friend, I remember going to his house and watching him play with his new best friend and walk away from me because there was no more place for me. A girl that I went through a few years with meant the world to me and I found out later that I barely meant anything to her other than she knew me way back when we were kids. I always wanted someone (friend or romantically) to bond with me, so badly that I created that with people who didn't create it with me. I looked for pretty much any kind of bond everywhere. And each time I found out it wasn't real, it hurt me a little more and I became a little less able to trust.

   I was forced to live with a man who hated me and while he used his money on me in his life, he made it clear that I was never anything to him, especially the day he told me he was doing drugs. So there came a time when he and mom were moving, she came to me and asked what I was expecting to do and I told her I'm not living with him anymore, that wasn't happening. Then she asked if I was going to live with my "dad" (he never was and never will be my dad, he was nothing more than a sperm donor, just to be clear) and I told her there's no way I'm going to live with him.

   That left me out again, and my Uncle stepped in and took me in his home without even thinking about his situation (at least not that I know of, he may have weighed what it would mean to his life but in the end, he took me in and gave me his room instantly) While that was a great option for me at the moment and it made me feel kinda happy for a time, there were new problems that I faced.

   I had no curfew, no restrictions, no one wondering or caring where I was and I lived with a drug addict and a constant drunk. The police were at that house more than I was, screaming became the family motto and I closed myself off more and more. I rarely slept more than 3-54 hours a night, my grandmother (the constant drunk) liked to drink and bang on my door at 3 am when I had to be at school i the morning, which made me a happy camper. I can name more than 10 occasions that I had to dodge someone swinging something at me (on purpose or by accident) an I even had to go to court twice because I had to call the police on one of them (My grandmother once and my uncle George once). Not exactly and ideal situation for a kid who needed love and care more than most already.

   Now, add in to that mix my gender dysphoria, as a very small child I wanted to be a girl and that was on my mind at all times, even the times I was having fun or busy. At around 12 or 13, I started to discover my sexual side and the only thing that excited me was thinking about being forced to be a girl. For a few years I thought it was a sexual thing until I was about 16, then I realized I wanted to and felt like a girl overall. I wanted to run away and have a sex change and start a new life. That never went away.

   Now let's add in how I feel about God. This is not easy to say and I don't want to discourage anyone else from obeying or caring about God, you're not me so He cares about you.

This is how I feel:

              God has never cared for me, I snuck into His group of believers and He was forced (so to speak) to accept me...sort of. People say that God never leaves His people, never forsakes them, right? Well, I was saved on June 27th 2001. I accepted and put my faith in God's word and really thought I was safe from a lot of the emotional things that crippled me through my life. People say He would not put people in situations they can't handle and that He always gives His people what they need. Both of these are hard for me to believe, about me only, because I can think of a few times when I truly needed something and was just emptied out of any trust when I not only didn't get those things but I was embarrassed and hurt even more after I didn't get whatever it was I needed.
   Yeah, I did get some things that I wanted or needed at times but when it came to my faith or those moments where I could have totally seen something that put my faith on a solid rock...I was humiliated and emotionally destroyed. There were times where all it took was some little thing, not like a girl to like me or to get a house and a car given to me, just some little things that would have made me actually feel the love that I had heard about and seen in friends' lives. Those times were the ones that broke my faith in a way that may not be able to be fixed.

   And then there's my societal problems, I have been trying to keep up with society, with my friends and with my own expectations for as long as I can remember. I never had the chance to grow up and learn things from parents who cared and took the time to teach me things so I'm behind society because of that and whenever I get a chance to get ahead, I find that any choice that I make is the wrong one. I just always make the wrong choice, it's not even like "should I steal or buy something?" it's like, "Should I go to work when someone else calls out?" If I take the shift, I get there and everything goes wrong from me not being able to do something to I get hurt or make clumsy mistakes and cause more trouble for bosses than it was worth having me come in. And if I don;t come in, I miss out on a little bit more money and I end up not doing things I plan on doing for whatever reason.    Recently...within the last 5 years, I've gained anxiety that has been stopping me from doing so much. I have anxiety over crowds of people, even friends, which makes me NEED to leave whenever I find myself trying to tackle that and I end up stuck somewhere far from my place or I find myself being made gun of by the whole group I'm with. I can't seem to make a phone call without a long time psyching myself up for longer than I should take.

   And the final thing that has deeply affected me over the last 10 years is concussions. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and speaking and getting migraines. These things have been overtaking my life since about 1999, when I got my first concussion and I've gotten a few more since then. Three of them were bad enough to leave me unable to do things on my own. Once I went to the hospital and the other two times, I had to stay at a friend's house for the night. All three left me with memory issues, in fact I remember things that I know for a fact didn't happen.
   Once in a while, I have issues that resemble dyslexia where I can't speak the words I want to and I forget words that are common. An example would be: If I'm trying to tell someone that I want to go to the bathroom, I'd forget the words bathroom and the sentence would become difficult to put on the right order. SO I'd say,

 and in the moment, I have no idea how to make that sound sane to whoever I'm speaking to. Most bosses or people in any kind of authority don't even care what's going on, they think I'm mentally handicapped or stupid. And when I'm busy at a job or speaking to a customer, this causes major problems. It's more than just an annoyance too, it hurts and I have lost jobs because of this in the past.

     Looking at all of this, I can't see a way I can live a life that is any more than existing. I often think about ending things and these are all prevalent in that thought. It just makes me think, What do you do when you need to run full speed and you just don't have anything in the tank? What do you do when you need to drive as fast as you can and all you have is a skateboard and you're missing a shoe? What do you do when you need $30,000 and you have less than a dollar when you get your next check? I don't have faith that anything is going to get any better, I don't have the strength to make jokes and pretend things will get better...I don't have even that much fear or sadness at the thought of my journey ending sometime soon.

     I'm scared that I'm numb and less scared...

Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.