Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

The Good and The Not So Good

     How's your day, you ask? How's life, you question? What's going on, you...inquisite? I know that's not a word but you asked, you shouldn't make up words.

     Ok so I will answer your questions. So here it goes: Good, good.
Well that's what I say when I don't want to say that things aren't great or tell someone my actual goings on. The truth is things are tough. I've been dealing with a lot and most of them are things that aren't going away or things that can't be wished away by saying, "I'm here for you. You got this." In fact, most of the things I'm going through, I need either a massive amount of money or people to be actually around for semi long times.

     I'm not saying that encouraging statements are wrong or that I don't appreciate them when people who can't do more or don't know what to do say them. Please don't take that for me saying I don't appreciate the thought. But the honest truth is that I'm struggling. Usually I'm struggling with internal stuff like figuring out my gender identity issues or dealing with the fact that I have such bad luck that EVERYTHING that could go the opposite of my way does. Ev. Ry. Time.

     These are usually what I am thinking about or dealing with when you ask me what's up so you now know when I say I'm good that really, I'm not exactly good. BUT...

     But there is another side, a side that I sometimes don't acknowledge because my identity gets lost in misery sometimes. I look at myself as the sad or unfortunate one, kinda lie the Toby Flenderson version of Neo. (I know you like my photoshop skillz)

   Hahaha, anyway back to my point: I do have some good things that I think about and that I have in my life:

First thing that I cannot express how great it is would be my friends. My friends are my family, I'm not going to name everyone because I would leave people out by accident but you know who you are. I have lots of people who mean lots to me, these are people who have saved my life and continue to be a support system when I need it. They also on occasion use my services whether it's babysitting or helping out in some other way, they help me feel needed even in little ways.

     And there's another thing that makes me crazy happy that is a part of who I am. It's big and cold and has blue and red lines and it contains some of the coolest people and...it has...rubber...on it... Ok, I'm out, it's an ice rink. It's also hockey. I love it so much, I think I was born with skates, the Dr just hid them when I skated out...hmm...maybe I should curb my imagination. Nah, deal with it.
   
     Hockey has been my saving grace from summer every year since I became a fan, anyone on my FB knows of my countdowns from the first day of summer till the first preseason nhl game of the season...that's right. I can't even wait till just regular season, I go crazy for the first preseason. And as a Flyers fan, that usually means a game I can't go to but still keep up with the score as if it's a pivitol playoff game. Hockey was the thing God used to bring me into church in a way and it has been one of the biggest uses for me to socialize with society. One of my favorite memories was when the Flyers won game 7 vs Boston in 2010: we went to the Wells Fargo Center to watch the game being played in Boston. There were 20,000 fans there and we all enjoyed the win. Afterwards, as we exited the parking lot (which took us over an hour to just get out of the not that big parking lot) fans were high fiving each other, going around to random cars and talking about the game and sharing drinks and stories. The comradery of the sport is much fun.

     And art. Oh art, you make me swoon. Photography, drawing, painting, music, creating videos and short films...there's so much to talk about in this...this writing. This is another one of the best "goods" that keeps me sane and helps me on a regular basis. I don't acknowledge it because that's vain or something but I love knowing that I'm good at something and for it to be photography or drawing, that means a lot to me. It's so therapeutic to put what's in my head on paper or into a YouTube video is immeasurable.

     So although I, at times, don't see it I have some awesome 'good' and some terrible 'not so good' that is always on my mind. Sometimes I need to remind my face about the good stuff. That's kinda hat this letter to myself is all about.

Have a wonderful day