I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

July 16th 2018 Update and Thoughts

     Well, it's been oddly hard for me to put thoughts together so I'm gonna try to keep this one as to-the-point as I can.

Today is Monday July 16th, 2018. I've spent the last two days barely moving with a migraine, fever and nausea. I slept between Sunday at 1 pm til about Monday around 3pm, with a few times waking up to crawl to the bathroom. This has been the sickest I've felt since 2012 when I got a migraine that stayed with me for 3 days. 

     One thing that I remember was having a dream:

I woke up and went downstairs and suddenly I was in my uncle's house. Instinctively, I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge for food (in the dream I was sick and hungry too). As I was searching the cabinets, like it was normal to be back there, my grand mom (who passed away in 2006) came in and asked if I'm sick. I mumbled yes and she started to make me cream of wheat. Then I heard my Uncle Mike (who passed away in 2012) in the living room taking to someone.

I felt so sick that I didn't  have the energy to think about where I was or who was around. It was like I knew they were both dead but I couldn't do or say anything till I felt better. I slightly broke through to my grand mom by saying  that I had something to tell her once I felt better but I woke up before that happened, I woke up. #Sad I miss them both a lot.

     Life updates:

- In 30 days, I'm taking a trip with some friends to a cabin in South Carolina. Three days of completely getting away from anything followed by about 5 days of paid time off! I'm super excited for that.

- I've been on estradiol for 6 1/2 months, there have been massive internal changes but very very little external changes, which has me discouraged. I have some barely noticeable breast growth and my stomach is becoming as round as a basketball even though I'm losing weight, that's really it. 

- My cousin and I have been having "Screen Time"  and absolutely love it! I have a projector, a screen and have been watching movies and shows on around a 100 inch screen! We've completely covered my windows so there is absolutely no light coming in and we're currently working on cutting the sound from being too loud outside my room.

- And finally my aunt has set up an appointment with laser hair removal, which is beyond painful and absolutely amazing! I had my first session with Vicky Rappaport of Expert Skincare by Victoria in Newtown, PA  I can't strress enough how great she's been with me and I'm looking forward to session #2 next week. 

https://www.expertvictoria.com/

Early Morning Thinking

     I woke up very early this morning, the exact time I remember is Stupid O'Clock. and I laid in bed remembering my dream. They say you should remain as relaxed as you can and replay your dreams in order to remember them best and so that's my routine when I have a vivid dream.

I dreamt that I took a long long time putting together a book for my friend, I put hours of work into selecting the pictures and arranging them in the best way possible. I took the pictures (because even in my dreams I take the best pictures) and physically made the book, I remembered all the hard work I put into the book and just as my friend opened the package, I was so ready for him to love it.

He opened it and it looked like it was made in 1984, the pictures were all blocky and the lettering for captions were all improperly spaced and the pages were crooked and uneven. I wanted to freak out, cry, throw it at whoever ruined all my hard work but the biggest thing was I remembered feeling so embarrassed. I ended up apologizing to him over and over, he graciously thanked me and I could tell he thought I just did a terrible job but that I tried my hardest; like he thought I wasn't mentally capable of doing any better.

In dream fashion, the next thing I can remember is I was microwaving something and it suddenly started smoking. I opened the microwave door and found that someone put a metal pan in there with my food, either I didn't see that when I put my food in there or someone put it in there and turned it back on. I was trying to avoid a fire alarm going off from the smoke and kept blowing till there was no more smoke.

     After replaying those dreams, I sat up and did that thing where I let my thoughts kinda run free, I went from one completely random and weird thought go to another that may be unrelated. To keep this diary entry shorter than a novel, I'll cut out the many completely crazy and random thoughts I went through and skip right to the most impactful one.

One of my best friends asked me while she was doing my makeup for my first time ever if I'm sure I want to go through with being a girl. She's been the most supportive friend from the moment I told her and wasn't questioning what I'm going through or anything like that; she was asking because being a 'guy' is SO MUCH EASIER than being a girl.

That conversation kinda replayed in my head and I thought about something that is kinda scaring me now in life;
     I have been living this weird situation for so long, I've felt and understood things as a female but was trapped by a masculine mask (say THAT ten times fast) and have been trying to escape that for so long that I learned a ton of ways to survive as a male. I learned how to do things like talk  and get ready for anything in 5 minutes and walk and act like a 'guy'

I did all those things even while hating a lot of them and then I opened up about being trans and FINALLY was able to begin acting the way I want to. I'm now slowly letting more and more of the things I actually like out...and I don't know how to be the girl I always felt inside.

I'm noticing that I don't know how to be a girl and walk and talk and do little things (although I do have many feminine mannerisms so it's not like absolutely nothing but there are a lot of things)

     I wish I could just be a 'guy' and happily live that way, it would be seriously so much easier and cheaper but I can't ignore all that I feel and know about myself. I want so badly to be good at being Layla rather than go back to being HORRIBLE at being VJ.

I told another friend that I've never been a 'guy' or 'one of the guys' even though I've been a male all my life. I'm done with that and while I'm scared about not being good at being Layla, I'm so much happier being a beginner Layla than trying to be okay as VJ.

A Mature Update on the Life of Layla Lee

     I'm putting this disclaimer out there up here at the top of this diary entry so you know:
THIS ENTRY WILL BE DEALING WITH VERY PERSONAL/MATURE NATURE AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE

     Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I'm updating about my transition and some of it gets very personal.

Alright so I have been on estrodiol for exactly one month and a day. "It's been one month since I started hrt, gotta admit it hasn't always been easy..." <--- if you sang this to the Barenaked Ladies song, we can be friends.

     Well, I have been slowly getting more and more impatient. I was hoping to see a change in my body after...oh say...two days; then by three weeks I expected to see radical hair growth in the exact places I need to look more feminine and less masculine. Then I expected to be able to comfortably pass as a natural born female in public by, like...a month and a day.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration  but I did expect to see some physical changes sooner than I did and I was hoping to feel different, at least a little. It's been a month and a day and I did just recently notice breast growth but so little that only I notice it. I was at the gym on the tread mill and I felt a bounce in my step, so to speak. I found it very funny at the moment and looked around like, 'I wonder if I look crazy. I look like a typical male and I'm staring at my chest as if I was a natural woman who's boob just popped out."

The other thing that has been happening internally is a bit more personal. Alright, I made like three disclaimers so if you don't want to hear what's next that's on you. I have been a very sexual person from a pretty young age, I learned about masturbating at about 11 and like most boys that became a thing for me. Then when I was 16 I had sex for the first time and THAT became the thing I wanted to do as much as I could.

Especially in the last few years, I've been like on over drive in my thoughts and desires to engage in those acts and it's been very tough to not be in a relationship while I'm in such a charged mood so often. Well since starting estrogen, it has been so relaxing to not feel that constant need to deal with that.

For the record, I think it's hilarious when women talk about how their boyfriends or husbands say they get sick if they don't release somehow; it's not exactly true, males don't get ill from abstinence...but... I can say from experience, it becomes very very difficult to keep calm when you go days or weeks without releasing and then the inevitable happens. Someone or something aroused me and I could barely contain my excitement...I tried to be as discreet and non-crass as I could. What can I say, it's hard to navigate...

Alright, no more of that, I promise. But anyway, it's been a lot easier to relax and let the estrogen combat my testosterone. I have an appointment in April and as long as nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed) I'll then start T blockers. My Dr. said that starting estrogen first and then Testosterone blockers a little bit later will help my breast growth in the long run so I'm excited for that.

     I've been praying a lot more and really trying to let God into my world i a way I've never let Him in before. Now that I'm getting help in an area that I hated myself everyday for and that's another area in my life that my transition has had a very positive effect on, which I am excited daily to let go of. I'm nowhere near done or even okay but these things are slowly giving me more and more of a positive outlook.

It feels good to not hate my own life every waking minute. That's new to me and I think I like it.

     One last thing that's been on my mind:
I've been dreaming fully female for a while now; in every dream I am a female, the female I have always seen myself as in secret. Well I'm now having regular dreams that I'll wake up and realize I look so much more feminine than when I went to sleep. It's always a very calm and examinitory kind of dream, I'll look in a mirror and stare at my eyes and face and see that I look so much more feminine. Then I'll slowly examine new lines and new features all ove rmy body and just take in my new life, always smiling as I accept myself and smile as I finish getting ready. That's pretty interesting.

I Dreamt a Dream Last Night

     I had a dream last night, Friday February 16th, 2018:

I was in the middle of a dream about my church starting a petting zoo full of very interesting animals. There were giant owls and all kinds of furry things that were very nice to kids and in the middle of it, two guys started to have a catch. They made a competition of it and were having fun  when I saw two girls walking and arguing. One was holding a hockey stick and I yelled to everyone at the zoo, "Hey! I'm having a memory! Stop. That's a memory,.not a dream."

The entire zoo art my church and the two guys having a catch and everyone at my church stopped as if they were all on break at a job while I walked toward these two girls, one was a tall girl with red hair and the other was a shorter girl with dirty blonde hair, and they were arguing over who gets to keep a hockey stick. It was my old hockey stick and the shorter girl was someone I dated a very long time ago, a girl I loved very deeply.

They were yelling and the shorter girl was crying while the taller girl was just angry; I interrupted them, "Hey, hey. You can stop fighting. Please stop fighting or being sad." The tall girl dropped the stick and I continued, "You both get to be happy. You both get to get what you want, you get to be happy in your life. Without me."

The tall girl looked bored with the conversation and walked away uncaringly. The shorter girl was crying and didn't understand, "You get to have what you want, and be really truly happy." I said calmly.

She tried to come close enough to me to hug or something, looking for some kind of affection but I stopped her respectfully, "You get to have what you want, you get to really be happy. You get to." She was calming down and starting to understand the gravity of my words, realizing I meant in her future and not that I was just dumping her or something like that.

"And...I'm gonna be a girl." she looked shocked and confused by that. She stopped crying completely and slowly was growing into the idea that she was going to get to be happy. She didn't even ask about what I said about myself, she just accepted that and was walking away from me.

I remember feeling sad that she was walking away, not because I wanted her to stay with me but that I didn't want to be alone. She walked far enough that I couldn't see her anymore and the whole time, she was getting happier and happier.

Then I woke up. Feeling nostalgic and really sad and kinda happy for her in a depressing way and lonely. Lonely.

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...