A Sad Late Update

     So I'm still here. I say that a lot, I suppose that's a good thing though.

The last few weeks have been very trying for me mentally and emotionally, so saying I'm still here is a bigger thing than it sounds...I'll explain:

Let's start about a month ago, I found out some giant life changing news. Some very very close friends told me they decided to move far enough away that they're not going to be a part of my daily life anymore. They haven't exactly been a part of my every day daily life for a little while but the possibility of visiting them on any given day has been there for about 18 years.

Finding out they were even considering moving 2 hours away was mind blowing; but to find out they were considering it, have considered it, made the decision, found a new church and were looking for a new house was...whatever is a metric ton bigger than mind blowing to me. That both hurt and shocked me (not that they were doing something good for their lives, I was and am happy for their family growth. The hurt is specifically selfish and not knowingly not them hurting anyone on purpose)

     Then, I was hit at work very hard with a bunch of things that I won't get into for reasons but things have not been great there and I've been on a day-and-night constant anxiety scared roller coaster due to that. Oh, and that happened at the same exact time that I found out about my friends. So...great.

     THEN AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, my health insurance through the state was cut off temporarily (thank you state for being awful and only using the slowest and most useless form of communication, mail) so I lost the ability to receive the medicine that has actually been starting to help me even a little bit. I wasn't able to take migraine medicine or anti depressants for about 3 weeks and that severely sent my emotions and ability to think straight out the window for long enough to drive me crazy. This, in part, affected my performance at work and made things hard on those around me there so that's a small part of that.

     So all of that happened and adding that I jumped from the pill form of estrogen to the needle form, which took a little bit of time to adjust to emotionally, made my last month torture.

Now let's go back and talk about the ramifications of all those things:

     My friends. SO my friends have moved, I helped them move and stayed at their new place the first few nights and even went to their new church their first Sunday. It was joyful to know they're going in the right direction but very very hard to know they aren't here anymore. And here is the selfishest part (I know it's not a word...accept it and move on) They do not approve of my decision to transition and part of their non acceptance is they are not in my friends list on Facebook.

That in itself doesn't mean much, Facebook is not the defining factor of a friendship; BUT...I now have no connection to them except texting, which anyone who knows me personally knows just how bad I am at keeping up that way. I don't get any updates about them or their lives and anyone who says they'll text every update to one person is lying. We'll eventually lose touch.

It's something they didn't want to acknowledge and I didn't want to ruin any of our final moments with but it's the truth. Friends who are in my life have said things to comfort me like they'll always be there for me but they are ignoring this fundamental thing. This wasn't a "See ya later." this was "Goodbye." to 5 of my best friends on planet earth.

     The emotional toll changing medicines take is beyond words, it affected every aspect of my mind and life. I wasn't able to think straight enough to do even small tasks without feeling like I was having a mental break down. And my anxiety/depression is not a small issue so to have that come back at full force was nearly life stopping, at least that's how it felt at all times.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't stop the feeling of everything hitting me at once like an earthquake of fear and panic and chaos. I still don't feel what I would call 'good' but nothing feels as bad as that felt, when adding the trouble I kept getting in at work too.

     So after all that...I'm still here. Kinda numb, don't really feel alive or productive in any way...but still here nonetheless.

My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.

Inspiration

     I've been thinking about inspiration lately, the things that inspire me to want to try and most importantly the things that help me keep going when I don't think I can.

     What inspires me? Well, I'm glad you asked. That's very smart and thin of you to ask.
*I'm inspired by people rising above their situation.

*I'm inspired by love showing to be stronger than hate.

*I'm inspired by people or groups fighting through things that seem impossible being conquered

*I'm inspired when people like my cousin being optimistic even when things don't work out and trying his hardest to remember that whatever he faces isn't going to be an issue in 6 months.

*I'm inspired when people do things that are hard to do, like when a friend has to tell me something he knows is not easy for me to hear but he knows that it needs to be said. It's respectable and inspiring on many levels.

     I have a song that I've leaned on, it's my life song. It's been my life song, my personal anthem for many years and I am sad to have to acknowledge that the writer and singer of my song has recently passed away suddenly (RIP Tom Petty)

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down

Gonna stand my ground

Tom Petty's Won't Back Down hits me hardest when I feel like the literal gates of hell were at my heels, making me think hard about not letting that negativity beat me. Even though I've been through a lot of things that have taken their toll on me, I still have a fighting spirit and this song exemplifies that quality that I hope never goes away.

What's your inspiration?