Post Vacation Update

     So I did a thing and it was pretty cool. If you know me personally, you've probably gotten tired of the words 'Oahu' 'Hawaii' and 'wild'

     Here's a brief bragging session. Ready? Alright...here we go:

My cousin Ryan, a good friend Codi and I all went to Oahu, HI from June 11th till June 19th and we had an absolute blast! There were ups (some literally), some crazy downs and so many new things!

First, I want to take a moment and say we had the absolutely best hosts possible. Evelyn and Mark who welcomed us into their home and treated us like family while we were there. I highly recommend anyone interested in visiting Oahu to search on Facebook for Aloha Oasis Hideaway and make sure to tell them that Layla Lee sent you.

     Our Oahu trip included The Pink Pill hike, Diamondhead Crater, a shark diving encounter, a tour of Pearl Harbor, a rock jump at the North Shore, surfing at Waikiki Beach, acai in a pineapple, waianae beaches that were amazing, Germaine's Luau, seeing dolphins twirling out of the water, Dan's Shave Ice and admiring every ounce of blue water at almost every turn. And all that was only the stuff I could think of off the top of my mind.

Dan's Shave Ice

     Listing out each day is not as easy as I thought it would be so...I'm not gonna do that but I do have many pictures and videos from the entire trip. And after Codi left, Ryan and I went to The Big Island and that was mind blowing too.

The highlight there was our hike up Mauna Kea, the worlds tallest Volcano (from the base to the top). It was not easy and we definitely earned every minute of rest after taking on that mammoth mountain.

     Overall, I still can't believe that I went there and saw the things I saw. It's amazing that I, someone who has never seen much of anything in person, saw a manta ray a few feet from my face (briefly but it still happened), ate fresh fruit I've never even knew existed, chased a goat that was on the side of the road (I wanted to pet it...can you blame me?), I jumped off an about 20 foot rock into the most amazing water roughly a week after barely making it up a 12 rung ladder at my job, I swam a few feet away from Galopogos sharks...pretty much the fact that I can say the phrase "When I was in Oahu..."

My First True Vacation (August 21st 2018)

North Carolina! I went to North Carolina.

     So it started weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about doing something new. We talked about visiting Centralia PA and some places considered haunted, nothing seemed to really pop out at us. So then we talked about just going far away and started searching for places just far away from New Jersey. 

11 hours away was this cabin; a beautiful looking cabin that had over an acre between it and the next neighbor, one that was at the top of a mountain and one that had amenities that just blew us away. That was it for us, we had our destination and we just had to get through the next few weeks. A few more people were added to the plan and time seemed to both barely move and fly by in the same space...an interesting paradox.

     The time finally came, we were ready, we were in the car, we were fed and hydrated and then...we went. My cousin and I made stops along the way to see some sights and enjoy the time and before we knew it, we were a few hours away. Philadelphia, Baltimore, Virginia...cities, like time, seemed to float by and we got to Tennessee. Stopping in the first rest stop/tourist area, I had to run out and get a picture with the welcome sign. I risked life and limb to trudge through the thick of things to get to it and got what I wanted. 

     

     . . . then we were on the rest of our way. . .

Hours and a few stops later, we got to Bryson City. We found the mountain and made our way up to the top. I nearly died (imagine a narrator saying "no she didn't" right here) but got to the cabin. 

I wa sexpecting to find something underwhelming compared to the pictures on the website but I was very very surprised to find it was even better. I'm going to post many many pictures of the view from our deck even though they won't do the actual sight justice. 

   

  I'd write about the view but...

     We spent the rest of Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning there. Enjoying the hot tub, walking through the town, hiking the Smokie Mountain trails, taking pictures, having a fire, playing games and just relaxing was UH-MAZING. 

This was the first truly refreshing experience I've ever gone through.

     I thank God for giving me the chance to get away from life for a few days and recuperate. 

Updates and Thoughts (May 5th 2018)

     So these last few weeks have been...interesting, let's say. It's Friday May 4th 2018 and since my mind has been on super mega hyper attention deficit lately, I'm going to share my thoughts in list form. These are in no order and may seem nonsensical or whatever so bear with me. And because this is going to be outside the norm, I'm going to share some of my artwork throughout this diary entry. Enjoy...

* Update:
     So I recently increased my dosage of estradiol and found out my testosterone level is at a genetic female's level, which is a good thing.  I may not need to taker any kind of testosterone blockers.

* I see so many people throughout my work day as a cashier/photo tech and I'm telling you it is SO EASY to change someone's day with the smallest gestures or words.

And that goes both ways; a small kind word can take someone from a bad day to seeing things get a little better and on the opposite side, ignoring someone or throwing an attitude at someone random can truly ruin their day.

I see it so much and rudeness physically drains me at times when my stress is higher or I'm already having a  rough day.

* I've recently began accepting that I'm going to lose a lot of close friends. It's not something that one day I can just say, "OK, welp that's over." and be done with it. These are friends I've had for a very long time who have invested a lot in me.

I'm working on understanding their choice to not associate with me because I've decided to transition and respecting that. The toughest thing isn't that I disagree with them (I do but that's not the hardest part), the most difficult thing is having inside jokes or going through something I would have talked to them about or wanting to tell them something and just not having that option.

It's been similar to a breakup in a way, I've been trying to keep busy and work through the pain of losing such close people to me in doses I can handle. Writing this actually was so hard that it took me days to complete sentences without having to stop.

I don't really have many tears these days, I've been through so much that it takes a lot to make me cry in life...although all it takes in the TV world is a character I like to die or move and I ball like a baby, go figure.

* I've got some new plans that I'm really truly excited about. I'm not going to share all of it just yet but I want to preserve the memory of this moment by sharing some things:

     -I am slowly turning my room into a studio with a projector and a dry erase board for different purposes. I set it up and watched How I Met Your Mother then One Piece to test it out...IT. WAS. AWESOME. And it's only gonna get cooler.

     -I'm working on a plan to write a small story/novel. I've had this mostly thought out idea in my head for years and I'm trying to put it on paper (so to speak) whether it's good or not is up to the words I choose but I at least am going to try to make it good.

     -I have some plans to film some things soon, something I haven't done in years and have been wanting to. My friend Nico and I are working on doing some shooting soon...EXCITING!

                ...that's all I'm willing to share with the world just yet. More will come over the next year.

* This one's not great and I wish I didn't have to type it but here it goes:

    Over the last two weeks, suicidal thoughts were very strong and very convincing. Clearly I'm not going to let that thought walk into my head and beat me but I cannot lie and say it's easy to just ignore thoughts like everyone would be better off if I was just never around ever again or that I keep hurting people around me.

     It is hard to deny that being trans has hurt a lot of my friends and those around me, I know the truth is I am not maliciously hurting them and I know that having a mental disorder or a gender identity disorder or having other physical disabilities isn't quite the same as 'hurting' someone but the cold hard truth is there are a group of people who are worse off because I am going through this and have decided to embrace my new life instead of trying to deny it or do something different.

     I'm trying...I promise.



* On a better note, I've been a little more able to handle a little more lately. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction. I have trouble working days in a row, in fact a few months ago I could not work 3 days straight; I'd have trouble doing simple things like speaking clear sentences ort counting.

I've been working a little more before those kinds of malfunctions happen and I'v ebeen able to hold my temper better too, which is even more impressive because I'm now on an increased doseage of estrogen. Yay me.

     Well I could go on but I'll end this particular diary entry here. Thank you for reading. And as always...

Inspired Thoughts

     Where am I? Where was I? Those are very similar questions but with such drastic different answers.

So recently I ran into a hockey player from my favorite team in a nearby mall and the circumstances made me think hard about something. My cousin was going to drop me off to get my phone fixed and I had planned to have another friend pick me up at least 4 hours later, something I didn't want to do very much but it was my only choice.

So I start getting out of his car and he, at the last second, decides he'll go in with me.Cool with me, I was gonna be bored for most of that time. He said if it was gonna be less than like an hourish, he'd stay and it turned out to be an hour; he decided to stay so I didn't have to stay another 3 hours after that and we walked around.

So we're walking around and talking about our plans for the summer and other progressive plans; I look next to me at him and over his head I saw a tall man with red hair. For a second I think, "wow that guy's tall...WAIT!" And it hits me...that's Jake Voracek of the Flyers. Jake freakin Voracek!

I kinda hinted to him that I'd like to fangirl out and get a picture, which he was fine with, and we took a few pictures. I told him good luck than proceeded to freak out to my cousin about how awesome that was.

     So the fact that I just got to meet and talk to a player on my favorite team was beyond cool but my cousin brought up this thought, if he wasn't there I would have seen Voracek and gone crazy...I would have had no phone to capture that moment with.

     He was so right and how lucky was I that he decided just to stay and walk around with me, THEN I said, "Wow...what if we stopped to get gas? This entire random lucky chance would not have happened." And we kinda took a moment to think about how EVERYTHING worked out for meeting to occur. If I didn't make the appointment that exact day, I wouldn't have been at the mall that day, if my cousin picked me up a half hour earlier (like he was planning to at one point) no Jake sighting, if I went to the bathroom like I was going to when we first walked in... that moment doesn't happen.

    This has been a kinda theme in my life lately and while it goes both for the good and for the not so good, I'm trying to remember the things that have been great additions to my life in these kinds of
ways. There was one clear defining moment in my life that had I not decided to take a stand, I would have never lived near the church I go to and I never would have met all the friends I know and love dearly now.

It's kind of insane to think about all the good that came from me moving to Riverside, NJ and what I'd miss out on without that one moment; that one time I refused to go live with my mom and her boyfriend when they were moving and when I refused to go live with the rotting scumbag that donated sperm to create me. I wasn't usually the kind of kid to say something like that exactly but that one moment defined the rest of my life.

     I say all this to myself to fight all the negativity that I hold onto so tightly, I am a mess and have been a screw up more than not BUT I have made it this far and not by accident. I don't know why I'm still here but I am sitting here typing this right now, I'm still here to feel pain daily over losing my Uncle Mike and over never having a 'dad' and other things that have sucked...but I made it through all of that and a lot more. I made it.

     If I made it, you can make it too. You  really can. And not only can you but you can have an awesome story to tell someone else and maybe you can tell someone your story and inspire them to keep going. If we can make it this far, far enough to be reading what I'm typing...if we can get to tomorrow together as friends or family or strangers who need each other, then we can seriously make something great happen for ourselves and for someone else.

     I don't like to use foul language much but here's the bottom line, This world is fucked up and will not stop fucking you up if you let it even a little bit. You and me and your friends and my friends can decide to make something good happen. Let's spread the hope instead of letting this world spread negativity.

Side note:
Thank you so much for reading this blog, there have been times where I was planning on giving up and I truly thank you all for reading and helping give me the inspiration to keep going and thinking there might be something positive to strive for. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Inspiration

     I've been thinking about inspiration lately, the things that inspire me to want to try and most importantly the things that help me keep going when I don't think I can.

     What inspires me? Well, I'm glad you asked. That's very smart and thin of you to ask.
*I'm inspired by people rising above their situation.

*I'm inspired by love showing to be stronger than hate.

*I'm inspired by people or groups fighting through things that seem impossible being conquered

*I'm inspired when people like my cousin being optimistic even when things don't work out and trying his hardest to remember that whatever he faces isn't going to be an issue in 6 months.

*I'm inspired when people do things that are hard to do, like when a friend has to tell me something he knows is not easy for me to hear but he knows that it needs to be said. It's respectable and inspiring on many levels.

     I have a song that I've leaned on, it's my life song. It's been my life song, my personal anthem for many years and I am sad to have to acknowledge that the writer and singer of my song has recently passed away suddenly (RIP Tom Petty)

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down

Gonna stand my ground

Tom Petty's Won't Back Down hits me hardest when I feel like the literal gates of hell were at my heels, making me think hard about not letting that negativity beat me. Even though I've been through a lot of things that have taken their toll on me, I still have a fighting spirit and this song exemplifies that quality that I hope never goes away.

What's your inspiration?