Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.