Inspire

     So today is the beginning of my tests...I'm nervous although not as scared as I was a few weeks ago. I think it'll be okay overall. Today is my cardiologist appointment and while I got violently sick yesterday, at 4:30 am I am feeling good enough to fight through any of the nausea or stomach pains.

Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday's craziness:

     I went to work early and had a tooth ache, a bad one. I kept taking ibuprofen but literally every few minutes the pain would come right back so I took like 1 or 2 every once in a while.


Then I bought naproxen, thinking it might help curb the pain better AND THEN I got a migraine feeling so I took some exedrin. This was all in a span of 8am-4pm so it wasn't really a long time and by the end of my work day I started feeling too sick to keep going.

Near the end of my work day, I started feeling like I was getting overheated and thought I was getting a fever. So I bought some airborne (the store brand, let's be real...I'm poor) and almost the moment I finished drinking that, I got really dizzy and light headed.
Like, it was crazy how odd and scared I felt for about 30 minutes. I took a 15 minute break and  still felt like I wasn't actually there, it was really weird and scary. After that kinda calmed down, I started feeling really nauseous; a nausea I haven't felt in so long.

   *For anyone who feels better after throwing up, more power to ya. When I throw up it signals the end of the day for me no matter what time it is. So when I can, I do ANYTHING I can to avoid throwing up. Call me a wuss or call me whatever else you want but I have taken precautions to not throw up for over ten years...till yesterday. Insert sad face here.

     I ended up leaving work an hour early and had to ride my bike as fast as I could to catch the train, which made my stomach feel just wonderful, and made it back to my place in time to get violently ill.


Around 5pm I went to sleep between moans of pain and runs to the bathroom (sorry for the visual but it's what happened) I think at about 9pm, I got a ridiculous craving for Taki chips even though I still felt just awful, I stood up a few times only to need to lay right back down seconds later.

At around 1am, I started to feel really hungry and stood up for long enough to be able to take a small walk to Wawa, I got a small hoagie some Taki's and chocolate milk and THANK GOD I was able to eat most of it and even went to sleep for a while after that. I know I shouldn't sleep right after eating like that but I just needed to sleep so bad it was good to be able to.

     I woke up about 4:30ish and now I feel good enough to be able to stand existing FINALLY. And while sitting here I have some thoughts I want to air out and hopefully help someone somewhere...

I was talking to someone recently who mentioned they were abused as a kid and I think this is something this country needs to think about and needs desperately to find a way to stop. Abusing a child forever changes their lives in such a deep and sometimes devastating way.

A kid's innocence is always taken from them and they have such a  high potential to be demented or suffer depression or it could influence them to do harmful things...there are way too many cases of people committing heinous acts to themselves or others; things that can be directly or indirectly attributed to the sexual, emotional or manipulative abuse they went through.

I was lucky enough to barely ever, if ever, be physically abused and I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and manipulative abuse in my life that, to this day, affects me daily. One specific memory that hits me regularly is when I was a kid (I forget how old I was), I was told to throw away my favorite childhood blanket by my mom's at-the-time boyfriend. He was rude and mean and told me I was stupid or childish for wanting to keep it and one day when I went to school, he put it in a trash bag. When I came back from school, he yelled at me for not taking the trash out and made me do it right then. Then when the trash truck came later on, he pointed to it and told me my blanket was gone forever and told me that I chose to throw it away.

     That haunts me, not because I miss that blanket necessarily but because he used it in the most malicious way and threw that entire situation in my face as a little kid. I do miss that blanket and if I had the chance, I would have cut it into small pieces and kept them as a keepsake at least; that blanket was with me during some very rough times as a kid and it meant something to me that I felt I lost forever that day.

     Another memory that haunts me was when I came in from being outside and that same piece of work was sitting in the living room. He looked sad and tired and I asked if he was okay or what was going on, something like that. He slowly answered me by telling me a whole story that actually still kinda scares me. He told me he and my mom got into a fight, it started out verbal like usual. I wasn't surprised and he continued, telling me they fight got physical and she grabbed a knife.

He paused and said she was so angry at him that she sliced her neck from ear to ear. Tears filled my eyes and I was shocked, stunned, frozen; I had no idea what to do. I've never been that close to my biological mother but that was scary to hear at 9 years old.


So I'm standing there trying to come to terms with my mom's death or at the very least major injury, since he didn't say she was dead. He sat there, looking stunned and I was absolutely immovable...then my mom walked out of her living room. SHE WAS FINE!
Angry and not pleasant, but her neck was fully intact. I then was just...I could not believe a human adult would tell a child that story. My mind still has trouble believing there is that much evil in everyday life.

Things like that have changed my mental state forever, I am slightly demented and messed up because of these stories and a few more things; between that guy and my biological father I had enough mental abuse to last a lifetime or 3 and without all that I have a much better chance at being normal and better adjusted today.

     I know there are people who have bene through much worse than I have and people who have both hurt themselves or others and who have become something successful after going through their torture stories and I want to offer something positive to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through any kind of abuse:

You can do great things. You can help others or stop the people who have abused you and make this world a better place, you can take that evil energy and rage and use that to fuel something that helps fix these situations.If you've been through heinous things and you're still around YOU are a success. You are. I don't mean people like you who are prefect or talented in some way, I mean you...the person who may be struggling to make ends meet or you fight to make it to the end of everyday or the perosn who messes up a lot but still sees the next morning. YOU are an inspiration to someone.

Thank you, to everyone like this. You're why I'm still alive and you inspire 

me. You inspire more people than you could posisbly know. Don't give up. 

     It's funny, I was gonna write about trans people who suffer abuse and how that affects us (which it's true) but this is an issue that affects so many. I don't want to limit it to black or white people, to the trans community or cisgendered people or non-binary people or just poor people, etc. It hurts anyone and everyone affected by abuse and I want to see people as a whole do 2 things:
   1. Rise above their situation and become an inspiration to others
   2. Do what we can to stop abusers from corrupting innocent kids.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to share this with anyone who you think reading this could help.

Fan, You're About to Get Hit

    As I look around my world,  I feel that

"How did I get here? 

I'm not actually here, am I" 

kind of feel. Life keeps going and days rmble on like a boulder rolling down a small unimpressive hill; the ironic thing is every day seems to drag on forever but at the end of it, it feels like seconds ago I was just waking up and then in a heartbeat, it's four days later. I often see time as a haze of interesting things and boring empty days of the week and terrible vengefully bad days...and a few solid good times too, said I reluctantly. 

     This is as poetic as I will get, I promise. The cold hard thruth is I often just want the day to end and it never seems to make anything better when it does. Ya know that thought, "Tomorrow is a new day. Just as long as THIS day is over." well that thought is my refuge from my black cloud of a life but it doesn't restart anything. The same bad stuff, negative thoughts, unending bad luck and awkward attempts at being less than bitter/sad happen; I do have good times and I do have some good luck but the ratio kills me. 

 The example of my luck I think of regularly is:

     Living the life I do, getting a great deal on a tractor trailer 

would be really great...but will do nothing for me at all. 

So while it could be a blessing, it's not to me. At all.

     I don't try to ignore blessings and good things, I really dont. Every time  something good comes along that isn't helpful, I try very very hard to take the menaing behind it or extract the heart it came from or even just accept it graciously. And I know this is going to sound very bad to people who believe in God's love but everyday I believe less and less that he loves me...likes me...cares at all...isn't making fun of me or putting me in situations where I will lose. 

     I understand the principle of recieving things, being gracious with small things could lead to getting greater things. But here's how it feels to me:

God: Hey there...you.

Me: Umm, Hi. I need some help.

God: Oh? oh, yeah. I know that...everyone needs help. What do you need?

Me: Well, I need some love and a lot of money. Well a lot to me, enough to cover rent and eat and buy the things I need. And I need a way to make my head better, I'm kinda messed up from birth and it doesn't get better when stress only gets stronger every single day, I could use some kind of break from that, maybe something to restart my battery. 

God: Ah. Yeah...yeah, I see what you mean. SO you need money to live andsomeone to love you and accept you and you need things? That's not too much for ME. 

*God reaches down*

Me: Well thank you...umm, I don't want to sound disrespectful...but this is a nickel. I appreciate it...but I need $500.00 a month just for rent and I make enough to cover that...but I need to eat and, like, do things all the time.

God: Be thankful for what you have.

Me: My bike just broke, a nickel won't pay for that.

God: So you aren't gracious?

Me: Umm...I am gracious but the gift isn't enough. and while I was just thinking about that, my pants ripped, I lost my hat and gloves, I got sick and the otehr day I nearly killed myself because it's just too overwhelming for me...ca I get some more help? Please?

*God reaches down again*

Me: Is this a pen? It's...it's a nice pen but this solves literally nothing. In fact now I have to take care of this expensive looking pen. AND while I was sitting here, I got evicted from where I was living and I accidentally insulted someone I didn't even intend to speak to and now my job is on thin ice. That adds a ton of more stress that I couldn't handle before...how does this help?

*God reches down, this time with a little annoyance*

Me: Well thank you. Thank you for the one free meal. I really appreciate that.

Me: But what about my bike? Or my living situation? And I know I've been denying this for, well, all my life but I need to be honest with everyone about my gender issues.

God: I've taken care of all that.

Me: Really??

God: No, but I did make you think I did for a little bit. Are you stress free now? For a few minutes, you didn't have those life affecting, heavy, potentially dark things to think about. You're welcome.

Me: WHAT ON EARTH!!! BUT NOTHING CHANGED AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT DARK STUFF! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME IN A REAL WAY??

God: I lifted all those problems to let you recharge your battery.

Me: But you didn't actually change anything. I still need all those things AND NOW I've been accused of stealing money that I didn't steal at work so thats's EVEN MORE STRESS!

God: You are ungreatful, I'm going to punish you by taking your favorite sport away from you and pushing your friends away from you for a time. Oh and your still you so...punishment.

Me: And I can't end myself?

God: Nope, that would be wrong.

Me: So can I get some kind of REAL reward for NOT ending myself?

God: You're alive, that's reward enough.

Me: Umm...screw you!

God: . . .

Me: And my ONE family member that means anything to me just moved away...that's just great...can you replace that void in my life?

God: . . .

Me: And NOW I might have a heart condition. Great, thanks...I really needed that in my life. Oh and as much as I want to be angry anout everything, I gotta say thank you for the bike you found a way to get me.

God: . . .

Me: So...today I saw someone else do something really good. It helped a very little. Thanks. Umm...but I still have no friends around or a place to call my own...or enough money to eat food that's god for me...and I am still in need of serious mental help...and I may have a bad heart...and that bike just broke too. Sooo...little help? I was thankful, so that's something...right?

God: . . .

Me: Umm...God? It's me...the transgendered, hurting, empty, lonely, poor, suicidal individual that needs a lot of help.

God: . . .

Me: Welp...I'll be here slowly drowning in my own filth of a life if you need me...I'll accept pretty much anything at this point...You know I was ignored all through highschool and it makes me hateful to be constantly ignored, like I can't even help that. ou would know, you put me in that awful school with tose awful people and gave me no support through family or friends or any hope that anything would get any better...just saying...as I drown slowly...

God: You're ungreatful. PUNISHMENT!

Me: At THIS point...whatever. Punish me. Whther I try to do good or bad, I get the floor taken from me the exact second I feel comfortable. Every.Damn. Time.

God: . . .

Me: Great...ignored...again...Good thing nothing has gotten better, cause if not this might be bad psychologically.

Me: Ok...things got worse.

Me: Not even kidding...things are like scary bad right now. I'm not asking for like a lot, just SOMETHING.

Me: Fuck me.

God: You don't believe I love you. Punishment, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Me: Are you kidding me?! So I have to be flawless to get any help? By the way...tonight I nearly died. It's only because I didn't want to hurt my friends that I didn't.

     Okay, I could go on a lot more but I think this thoroughly serves the purpose of expressing how I feel. I want to believe things are not this way and I want to have hope that things will get better, I really do. I know I've gotten through some crazy times and made it out but the tank is near empty and I am running out of ways to beg strangers and friends for help; they're getting a little tired of it too. To the credit and amazing care of my friends, I cannot thank each and every one of them enough. To the friends who have spent time talking to me or letting me rant to the friends who have sent me things to the many many rides and rooms they've offered to the friends who have spent their energy on me...I thank you from the bottom of my slwoly draining heart. You're the only reason I'm still here right now to type this very diary entry.