An Origin Story

     The Suicide Journal has been a very important part of my life for a very long time. Origin story incoming...wait for it...

Many years ago, I had a plan. A plan I'm not proud of nor do I suggest anyone make a similar plan or even consider planning their own end; I made a plan to end myself and make others feel bad for not being good to me all rolled into one spectacular night that would change lives and cause a lot of pain.

I wrote down a note that began as a suicide note and was thinking about how bad I could hurt those who hurt me and in the process, I tried to explain why I ended myself (since the note wouldn't be read until after anything happened, I wrote it in past tense). The explanation  contained things I didn't know I had in me, a desire not to die but to be happy. 

It's easy for someone who hasn't been through suicidal thoughts or convincing depression issues to read that statement that I wanted to be happy and think, "Well DUH!" I understand where that response comes from in a happy life but I can't truly relate, I've never felt that just like those people have never experienced actual depression or suicidal tendencies. So to think I just want to end everything or hurt those who hurt me made full and total sense until that note.

I wrote the words, "I wish I could have found a way to be happy..." and at that moment I realized that the surface truth was I wanted to stop the pain and depression but the deep down truth; the truth I didn't believe I could ever attain wasn't just to stop pain.  I wanted to...I want to be happy. I want to feel comfort and not constant worry or sadness.

It may sound crazy but that note made me think hard and stop the planning, I ended up trying to think about what would put me in the direction of 'happy' It was a very hard night and a very confusing mental debate that night.

     Skipping a few years ahead, my Uncle Mike passed away and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was lost, I was hurt, I was...I don't know, I was nearly ready to give up. I wrote down some things in a small note book that I couldn't tell anyone else and in a very weird way I wrote things I didn't know was in my mind. 

The next day, I wrote more. I wrote a letter to my uncle and asked if it was wrong to talk to the dead or to wish I was with dead people; I know that's morbid and I AM NOT SAYING IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THESE KINDS OF TERRIBLE THOUGHTS but having them is something worth expressing. I knew I needed to get these thoughts out and started writing every time I felt the need to.                                                                                                                                                                                After a while I realized I formed journal-like entries and scratched "The Suicide Journal" on the front of that notebook.After that I started trying to dissect my feelings and pain, trying to figure out why I was hurt by things that hurt me and why I felt certain feelings. I knew and know that I never wish the pain of feeling suicidal on even my worst enemies and if anyone ever reads my words and is encouraged in any way, it's worth sharing. That became most of my goal and definitely why I started typing and publicly posting my words for others to read.

It's not to glorify suicide or to ever again write an actual suicide note (that's actually a terrifying thought to me), it's to spread the word that if you feel that endlessly scary and terrible feeling of wanting to end it all, you're not alone and those feelings are not real; no matter how convincing they are.

I hope to share The Suicide Journal for a very long time and also share the hope that more people in this world need. If you're reading this, I thank you for investing time in reading and please please know that your time and life is valuable. Never forget that. 

Positivity and Toxicity

     So it's a new year. It's that time of year when I reject the word that shall not be spoken, probably somewhat because I am a hipster who fights popularity but also because I resolve myself to do things regularly throughout the whole year in short bursts. 

This particular year things happen to have occurred at this exact time and I'm going to make some decrees right now, so...I guess you could say I'm making "a resolution"...I guess

     Since late November, negativity has been growing both in me and toward me. On the outward side, I've had my hours cut at work by a boss who made up reasons to make me look worse than I am to either hurt me financially or get me fired, I've said goodbye to my closest friends and watched them start a new chapter in their life which I am predicting will end my part in their life as a close friend, I've had people I thought were my friends show their true colors about me in a really disrespectful way, I've lost a good amount of the passion that makes me who I am and it's getting really really hard to be patient with my transition that is going slower than molasses.

I've explained or will explain most of these in other diary entries but to list out ALL the stuff I've dealt with JUST SINCE LATE NOVEMBER...it's been a rough few weeks. And that's just the last few weeks, the previous 47 weeks weren't much better.

     Some of these things and some of the negativity that happens is unavoidable, it's part of life, but some of that can be fixed in the future. My goal for the near future is to start from within and
examine all of the negativity that passes through my life and work on what I CAN work on. I know my attitude needs to be better, that's something I can work on starting today and constantly reshape.

Being more honest, open and friendly even when I don't necessarily want to be is another thing I am going to start immediately. These are just a few traits I am looking at that can help change the negativity that has been destroying my soul, things I can do completely for free and no matter what happens each day.

     And my next big piece to eradication of negativity in my life comes in the form of toxicity.

The definition of toxicity is the quality, state or relative degree of being poisonous. And that is EXACTLY what has been in my life in the form of some people. AND I am currently doing what it takes to change my life so that toxicity and drama is farther and as far from me as I can keep 'em.

Now I'm going to explain that I am in no way changing my stance on freedom to disagree with me or my decision. I have many friends who do not agree with my decision to transition, they don't condone my actions and I respect their freedom to make that choice just as much as they respect my choice to do what I believe is right for me to survive and be happy in my life.

To explain what I'm not okay with, I'll use an example here: I don't care if someone refuses to use the gender pronoun I prefer, that's their choice and I won't force someone to do something they find wrong morally. But when someone goes beyond that and uses gender pronouns or uses my (soon to be former) male name in an effort to insult or hurt me or as a fight against me, that's what I will not tolerate in my personal bubble.

This does not mean I will do anything physical, this does not mean I or anyone else should be allowed to do anything physical. I am NOT saying anything even close to that, violence will never be a legal or moral answer to rudeness, misgendering, 'dead naming' or anything like that. This means I am not allowing the people that use their freedom as nothing more than an insult or a verbal fight at me to enter my personal bubble. Those people won't get  responses from me when they text me, they won't get answers to calls and they won't get my time or energy to explain how they are hurt me.
Those people don't deserve that, not when they betrayed me even after I opened up in the most vulnerable and honest and respectful way possible.


...okay....that was a pretty harsh rant. Give yourself a gold star if you've read this far.

     The positive part is...here...Okay so here's the where I reflect on the good stuff and mention want I want to continue to focus on and/or work harder on.

-My cousin has been an absolute inspiration, without him I don't even want to imagine where I'd be and it's really important to me that I help him when I'm able. I don't really have many...err any reasons to get up in the morning lately, so to  try to make his life better in ways kinda makes that a little less sad. It's more selfish than it sounds, don't be too surprised.

-So I'm not a gamer at all, I've had a ps2 for years and loved it but found it was FINALLY time to move up. I bought a ps3 and borrowed a few games. I'm loving having it and all the perks that I haven't had before. Again, go easy on me...I'm wayy behind the times. I do that on purpose; I could save up and go get a ps4 or XBox 1 this year but I'll wait a few years for that.

-I've been trying very very hard to be more honest in everyday life. It's not easy to say things when I find myself in situations where telling coworkers things that will help in the long run but in the moment aren't easy...that probably sounded confusing but I promise it makes sense and it's a really good thing.

-I have a board (I'm using it as a portable desk kind of thing) that I glued small photos of everyone and everythi9ng I love onto for about 11 years and I gave it away to one of the most special and importasnt people in my life as a going away present; now I have a new board and I'm working on decorationg it. Here's to the next 11-15 years, though I doubt I'll meet anyopne that means as much as Tre Dizzle.

Ok, I'm sure there's more but I'm gonna stop before I write a novel and end up missing the next 7 days of work in the process...stay tuned for more written antics in the near future...

A Sad Late Update

     So I'm still here. I say that a lot, I suppose that's a good thing though.

The last few weeks have been very trying for me mentally and emotionally, so saying I'm still here is a bigger thing than it sounds...I'll explain:

Let's start about a month ago, I found out some giant life changing news. Some very very close friends told me they decided to move far enough away that they're not going to be a part of my daily life anymore. They haven't exactly been a part of my every day daily life for a little while but the possibility of visiting them on any given day has been there for about 18 years.

Finding out they were even considering moving 2 hours away was mind blowing; but to find out they were considering it, have considered it, made the decision, found a new church and were looking for a new house was...whatever is a metric ton bigger than mind blowing to me. That both hurt and shocked me (not that they were doing something good for their lives, I was and am happy for their family growth. The hurt is specifically selfish and not knowingly not them hurting anyone on purpose)

     Then, I was hit at work very hard with a bunch of things that I won't get into for reasons but things have not been great there and I've been on a day-and-night constant anxiety scared roller coaster due to that. Oh, and that happened at the same exact time that I found out about my friends. So...great.

     THEN AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, my health insurance through the state was cut off temporarily (thank you state for being awful and only using the slowest and most useless form of communication, mail) so I lost the ability to receive the medicine that has actually been starting to help me even a little bit. I wasn't able to take migraine medicine or anti depressants for about 3 weeks and that severely sent my emotions and ability to think straight out the window for long enough to drive me crazy. This, in part, affected my performance at work and made things hard on those around me there so that's a small part of that.

     So all of that happened and adding that I jumped from the pill form of estrogen to the needle form, which took a little bit of time to adjust to emotionally, made my last month torture.

Now let's go back and talk about the ramifications of all those things:

     My friends. SO my friends have moved, I helped them move and stayed at their new place the first few nights and even went to their new church their first Sunday. It was joyful to know they're going in the right direction but very very hard to know they aren't here anymore. And here is the selfishest part (I know it's not a word...accept it and move on) They do not approve of my decision to transition and part of their non acceptance is they are not in my friends list on Facebook.

That in itself doesn't mean much, Facebook is not the defining factor of a friendship; BUT...I now have no connection to them except texting, which anyone who knows me personally knows just how bad I am at keeping up that way. I don't get any updates about them or their lives and anyone who says they'll text every update to one person is lying. We'll eventually lose touch.

It's something they didn't want to acknowledge and I didn't want to ruin any of our final moments with but it's the truth. Friends who are in my life have said things to comfort me like they'll always be there for me but they are ignoring this fundamental thing. This wasn't a "See ya later." this was "Goodbye." to 5 of my best friends on planet earth.

     The emotional toll changing medicines take is beyond words, it affected every aspect of my mind and life. I wasn't able to think straight enough to do even small tasks without feeling like I was having a mental break down. And my anxiety/depression is not a small issue so to have that come back at full force was nearly life stopping, at least that's how it felt at all times.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't stop the feeling of everything hitting me at once like an earthquake of fear and panic and chaos. I still don't feel what I would call 'good' but nothing feels as bad as that felt, when adding the trouble I kept getting in at work too.

     So after all that...I'm still here. Kinda numb, don't really feel alive or productive in any way...but still here nonetheless.

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

The House is Burning Around Me...But I'm Fine...Right??!

     It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

     Context:

Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.

Over a relatively short time:
     - a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.

     - I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and  between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)

     I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.

     It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.

     I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.)  I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.

I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.

     That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.

Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.