A Still, Small, Quiet

     So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future plans and the oddest thing keeps happening: I've been having an unreasonably hard time dealing with life and stress and pain and emotional abuse from my past that keeps coming back up.

     Now I know what you're thinking (if you either know me or have read anything I've ever written/typed before). You're thinking, "WELL DUH!" in you most sarcastic tone. I'd call you rude if I didn't completely agree but let's get past that and focus on this next part.

I have been watching How I Met Your Mother and decided kinda randomly to look for things Josh Radnor has done. He hasn't done much by way of acting but I found a TED Talks he did and a few interviews he did; the ones I watched were over an hour long and were very interesting. (Stay with me, this isn't a rabbit trail...trust me)

     So he did an interview with someone about meditation, something I have never put any thought into or cared about, and it turned out to be profoundly deep. It's on youtube and I highly recommend searchi9ng for it, but here's something that it imprinted on my mind for the last few days that connects with the direction my life has been going for a while now.

Radnor talked about what people think they need as a whole, most people think they need organization or to free up time or more power. All of those things have been granted to society through technology and that's awesome...except...none of that is what we truly need. We need quiet. We need to calmly listen to the universe and let it guide us.

     He went into much more detail about that, the conversation moved to healing and how we heal by moving on but never ACTUALLY heal. And those two thoughts had a very big impact on me because I thought about my absolute inability to even spend a moment in silence. Even one second without sound of some kind can be torture to me.

My first thought was, "I can't do that because..." and a barrage of reasons I am exempt from even trying to entertain a moment of silence ran through my head like a freight train; each car carrying a heavy excuse.

Some of them were valid like my history of silence consists of some of the most horrible memories and acts of violence or hatred. So every time I hear complete silence, I think of those moments or expect something to happen. So before any silence occurs, I turn on some old sit com (HIMYM much?) or pandora.com.

Some of those reasons were just excuses and didn't even make sense like because silence means I am losing. Losing what, you ask? I DUNNO! Seriously, there's a part of me that tells me I'm a loser somehow if I let myself feel something during silence. Makes zero sense...ze-ro.

     And I could go through a ton more but I'll spare your eyes and brains but the final outcome is that even the true or solid ones aren't right. They're reasons to basically stay where I am, to stay safe and hide my eyes from what needs to be seen...or I guess a better way of saying it is I'm covering a giant gash and letting it fester instead of taking care of it. The worst part is it's not physical so festering can fester SOOO much more without anyone knowing till I attempt suicide or have some outburst or something. Sometimes I get so good at ignoring it, I don't even know it's there...but it is.

So I have a goal for my immediate life:

     I want to find a way to truly accept silence. I want to be able to sit in a room with no sound (physically and emotionally) and be okay. Some people believe in the universe or God or something else; I believe and know God and it's absolutely becoming clear that God wants me to search for a truly soul healing joy. I know I'm being led to find a way to be actually happy and to stop hiding any and all injuries from myself.

     Here's where I get away from the sit com and celebrity part of my thoughts and get to real life applications: I'm considering yoga, meditation or some kind of source of actual dealing with my issues and healing from them. My transition, while slow, has been a huge part of me being honest and adding some things back to my life that I thought I lost for good. That's great and I am excited to see where that takes me in the future but this is an absolute necessary part of any growth as well.

I will face some very very tough times through this and I will need some friends and people to lean on at times; I can't do this alone...but I can do this. I'm also looking for what other people do or have done to soul cleanse or find a way to be okay even in silence.

     If you've experienced any of these thoughts or needs in your life, let me know. I want to hear where you are and learn from you as I hope to some day pass on my knowledge to someone else some day. Because as I live my life, I'm not just an "I" we're all connected and the only thing we can do is help each other.

Some MORE Positivity to Focus on (Monday August 27th 2018)

     So one of the biggest things that has changed due to my transition internally is my introvertistic side has diminished vastly. That is the equivalent of erasing a few years of turning into an introvert by beating myself up in my own head, which can be a game changer in my life.

Past:
     I used to be an outgoing, openly friendly person. I used to be someone who had the potential to be the "life of the party" type of person, with little fear of embarrassment or worry of feeling awkward. When I was very young, I had some normal attributes and one was that I was happy-go-lucky or innocently extroverted...at least at some point for a little while.

     Slowly, my inability to be honest about myself to anyone forced me into my own head and caused some introverted issues. I built barriers between myself and any other humans (my pets and friends' pets knew everything) and with every awkward encounter or every hidden desire to do /be something I wasn't, those barriers got worse and worse. Depression, suicidal thoughts and so much fear started to take over my regular life and kinda quick too; much like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Present:
     I recently did something that took much (for lack of a better word) courage and it surprised even me. I went to my cousin's house and spent a few days with him and his family without being too afraid to be around them.

For the last decade plus, the thought of going somewhere I've never been before and doing something like playing a dancing game in front of people would have made me want to crawl into a hole and die before doing that. But because I've spent a few years now cleaning out the deep dark hidden pain of pretending to be this thing I'm not, I've been able to enjoy things like friends and just having fun.



Future:
     So I have been thinking about where I want to be in the future...and I still don't have a full answer yet. I know I want to be a positive force in this universe a positive force in a greater way than I was in the past. (I'm not completely sure what that means, it's mostly a feeling I have been having lately. I'll explain more when I understand better)

I know I want to identify as female, as Layla Lee Gilmore and eventually get to the point where people don't see me as "a trans person" or as VJ who's trying to convince people he's a chick; my hope is that people see that I am truly able to blossom going in the direction that I'm going now as opposed to where I have been for many many years. I know I want to be a patient person with even those who completely disagree with my choice to transition; I want to be someone who helps bring people together who normally wouldn't give each other a chance. Like a go-between for people who are dead set against the transgender movement and trans people like myself or supporters.

I have no idea what this will look like or where these thoughts will bring me, perhaps I'll work in retail and write blogs/make YouTube videos and only reach a tiny group of people. I don't know but I'm gonna try to figure it out as I go and hopefully I won't screw much up long the way.

     Either way, the future is going to come no matter what and I want to see what it brings.

My First True Vacation (August 21st 2018)

North Carolina! I went to North Carolina.

     So it started weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about doing something new. We talked about visiting Centralia PA and some places considered haunted, nothing seemed to really pop out at us. So then we talked about just going far away and started searching for places just far away from New Jersey. 

11 hours away was this cabin; a beautiful looking cabin that had over an acre between it and the next neighbor, one that was at the top of a mountain and one that had amenities that just blew us away. That was it for us, we had our destination and we just had to get through the next few weeks. A few more people were added to the plan and time seemed to both barely move and fly by in the same space...an interesting paradox.

     The time finally came, we were ready, we were in the car, we were fed and hydrated and then...we went. My cousin and I made stops along the way to see some sights and enjoy the time and before we knew it, we were a few hours away. Philadelphia, Baltimore, Virginia...cities, like time, seemed to float by and we got to Tennessee. Stopping in the first rest stop/tourist area, I had to run out and get a picture with the welcome sign. I risked life and limb to trudge through the thick of things to get to it and got what I wanted. 

     

     . . . then we were on the rest of our way. . .

Hours and a few stops later, we got to Bryson City. We found the mountain and made our way up to the top. I nearly died (imagine a narrator saying "no she didn't" right here) but got to the cabin. 

I wa sexpecting to find something underwhelming compared to the pictures on the website but I was very very surprised to find it was even better. I'm going to post many many pictures of the view from our deck even though they won't do the actual sight justice. 

   

  I'd write about the view but...

     We spent the rest of Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning there. Enjoying the hot tub, walking through the town, hiking the Smokie Mountain trails, taking pictures, having a fire, playing games and just relaxing was UH-MAZING. 

This was the first truly refreshing experience I've ever gone through.

     I thank God for giving me the chance to get away from life for a few days and recuperate. 

A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

You CAN make it! A July 28th 2018 update

     Update:
I have not been suicidal in months; I haven't had any thoughts of ending myself even in a passing manner in such a long time. Ever since I was a little kid, my thoughts lined up with the philosophy "if something happens and there's any kind of danger, I don't care about risking my life or putting myself in between anyone else and life threatening situations. Now that's a great thing to do but the reason I did that was because I didn't care about me, not because I was selflessly protecting others.

     The difference between then and now isn't that I don't want to protect others or that I would save myself...BUT now I am honestly looking to live my life instead of imagining a scenario (a very very rare situation, despite what it looks like on the news. In all truth, it's not an everyday occurance that a life or death situation happens) I want to think about the positive possibilities, encourage people and focus on the good things this world has to offer.

     I've spent enough time thinking about what can go wrong or what  the worst case scenarios are, I am and have been for a while now actually enjoying life. And to anyone who has thought about suicide or anywho who feels hopeless or stuck or in any kind of bad situation, please know that ther eis always a way for things to get better. All it takes is thinking positive and baby steps toward positivity. It doesn't happen all in one day and you will fall back at times, but you can make it. You will make it. If I can go from a 9 year old trying to jump to my death to get out of living my life to the person I am today, than you can find a way to out live your depression and actually live instead of existing.

July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.