Dreaming a Little Dream

     I work as a cashier, I live in someone's apartment, I take walks with my friends, I watch hockey, I pray to God, I buy jewelry and internet window shop for clothes or makeup, I eat terribly (for now at least), I draw, I play PS2 and Nintendo and Super Nintendo, I paint my nails, I watch YouTube videos, I listen to pandora.com, I read about trans people and trans issues, I play on Facebook or Instagram and on the rare occasion I get some sleep. That about it for my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life routines.

Then there's my unroutine stuff (I make up words, get over it)

     I question every word I use and every choice I make, I try so hard to not do certain things that I cause myself to do them, I mumble, I over emphasize words, I make sure to not bother anyone ever, I ask my friends over and over if I am annoying them or making things harder for them, I stay in my room when I feel extra introverted, I lose my voice without any reason, I look down because I feel like less than human, I break plans and let people down regularly because I feel like they'll be better off if I'm not around them, I freak out in my mind so hard that it makes me sweat and not able to think, I wish I was different...like really really hard and I shut down when stress takes over my ability to think straight.

This photo is a correct assessment of my brain a lot of the time. 

     So I had all these expectations for my life a long time ago, expectations that I felt I was able at a time to fulfill; I also included life and things that were out of my control. I expected to have to deal
with bills, things breaking down and having to work long hours or hard jobs.

I also expected to have to take care of babies and make phone calls and clean up after a bad dog...

What I didn't expect was to have a long term crippling desire/need to feel comfortable and the fight that that came with. I didn't expect to be beaten down so hard that even simple things like believing in God or believing that God would care about me seems impossible.

I didn't expect to be treated by a father so badly that I genuinely doubt anyone's love when they say or try to show it to me ever and I also didn't expect anxiety to cause nonsensical things to push me down daily.

     I must say I have learned some pretty important things through my struggles though and some of them are priceless...and some plague me almost minute by minute.

I've learned that I do not want to die.
      this is pretty big, a few years ago, I would have disagreed with this if I was being brutally honest with you. I thought for so long that I was only here because some truck didn't yet veer off the road and finish me off. I'm not saying that is fixed in me but the things I've encountered and the battles I've fought have made me stronger in some ways.

Whether some believe or not, I believe that some of the things I had to fight for and lost or the things I wasn't able to achieve were because I was destined for the journey I'm fighting for and happy to take on now.

The road from Vincent to Layla has been a scary, nearly deadly and nothing short of interesting one, one that I would not be on if any number of things had worked out over the last 20 years. If I met a woman and got married or if I had not been so discouraged in school and actually tried at all and gotten on a career path or if I had gotten into drugs and the friends that often comes with

...these are just a few things that could and would have changed how my life played out. I don't think I would be transitioning right now if I had a family (I'm not discouraging anyone in that situation from anything they think is right and to be brutally honest, I think I would not still be here rather than ruin lives by exposing my true thoughts on a wife and kids)

I've learned who my true friends are
     I explained before that being a true friend does not mean you should support anything they want to do so this is not attacking anyone that has decided to cut me out of their life, but I will say this: BROWNIE POINTS to the people who have not cut me from their life because of my decision to embrace my inner life and do what it takes to actually feel happy. This struggle is very very real and the friends who have kept in touch or have let me talk "girl talk" or the ones who are willing to listen to what I have to say are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge at times.

My life is owed to my friends, you can tell me I'm wrong for thinking that or for putting that on their shoulders but it is true. I have only succeeded in anything that I have succeeded in because I had someone else there to share my joys with or help me through the hard parts, I feel very strongly in this philosophy:

So without all of those people, I would have given up by now. And that includes the people who cannot support my decision. The ones I'm referring to have always displayed love and strength and I appreciate and respect them and will miss every one of them immensely everyday.

I've learned that needing help isn't always a weakness
     I have had to humble myself and go to hospitals, I've had to break down and tell people that I'm not okay and I've had to share my painful details with doctors and strangers at times in  the last few years. And I have learned that those times that I had to get rid of my personal expectations and I had to bruise my ego... and that was okay. That was not wrong.

In fact those things were the right things to do, rather than keep trying to put band aids on my issues and move on. Breaking down is not a weakness, it can in the future be turned into a strength.


   

I want to end this with a question:

What have you learned through your struggles?

Passion, Excitement and my Future

     Passion. Something I've always listed as one of my strongest and most positive traits Something I've always been able to feel on deep level. "He wears his heart on his sleeve" is a phrase that has described me throughout most of my life. Even doing something simple or small, I still feel such passion for anything I do that it becomes a part of my identity.

It's something that I have, to an extent, lost because of anxiety and failures and fears and life. It's kind of scary how I get nervous and  gun shy even when doing things I'm comfortable doing a lot of times. Today, I had a decent day at work. I trained someone on the register and did a good job of explaining things to him, my boss thanked me for training him and making sure to go over things that he said other people don't think of.

And after a few compliments, I thanked him but was so shy and unsure of myself even just in standing there being complimented that I just kinda shrugged at him and shelled up.

I'm not always great at explaining my thoughts but I'll try to express why this was a bad thing and why it made me feel so negative. I said in the beginning that when I do things that I know how to do, I insert a level of passion in those things somehow that kinda make them unique to me.

As in, I put a piece of my heart and soul in things I do or make or whatever. But in doing a good job at work and training a coworker and not letting any anxiety or stress get to me today, I didn't even feel a little passion about any of it.

By the way, not letting anxiety or stress get to me for a full work day was a very big thing, usually things like a line growing a little too long or trying to do multiple things at once sends me into an anxiety attack. So keep that in mind when I explain why today wasn't a good day in a way.

Yeah, so I felt no passion in positive things that happened and that's not good when it's always been so important to me. But the positive take away from today was that the day seemed to fly by and it didn't make me feel like I have an ulcer due to stress. So, I'm not complaining about the day overall, more like expressing some slight concern about one aspect.

     And on to the positive stuff about my current life:

First is the thing I've been embracing more and more, I've been truly working on enjoying becoming Layla. It's actually been harder than I thought to accept that it's not a deep dark secret anymore and that it's a good thing that I'm not hiding my self. It's like I've learned how to be a dude for so long that there are a few areas that I don't know how to be the real me; like I've been lying for so long I forgot what the truth is.

But besides that, it's been really exciting and great to openly talk about my future and learn who is supportive of this part of my life. I went somewhere recently and was called Layla the whole time and at first it felt weird but in a good way and after a while, it felt really good to enjoy being called by my name.

I'm going to be going through the transitioning process within the next two months and I am beyond excited to legally change my name and to finally walk around openly identifying as Layla Jade Gilmore. I've been gathering little things and looking for more things that can help me feel a little more comfortable, mostly jewelry and makeup that I've always wanted to own. One thing I recently got that I've always loved was the necklace from Titanic
(the heart of the ocean...and it's a cheap knock off, I know but still looks good.)

I'm also excited about my hair growing so long. It's taken a very long time but it's finally longer than my shoulders and still going.

I have wanted to grow my hair out very long as long as I can remember but for one reason or another I was not allowed at any point in my life. I dyed my hair lighter and have been taking care of it as it gets decently long, I also have plans to go to a salon and have it professionally done...gonna have to save up for a while for that though. I am thinking about doing Ivory white, like the picture on the right.

Please let me know what you think about that or if you have any other suggestions for hair colors that you like.

And I'm also happy and excited to bring more and more of my friends into my life as I learn who is willing to. I've been adding more of my friends to my new Facebook after respectfully letting them know where I am in life. I just can't get over how surprising it is when someone accepts me and what they mean to me, if you are one of those people I seriously cannot thank you enough for sticking with me whether you agree with my decision or not. It means more than I can explain.

     Well, I hope my ramblings were not too attention deficited for you (...if that makes sense...) it's been a long week and I'm trying to make the best of the bad parts and also excitedly enjoying the positive parts. Thank you for reading and as always, I always appreciate prayers and good thoughts sent my way

Inspiration

     I've been thinking about inspiration lately, the things that inspire me to want to try and most importantly the things that help me keep going when I don't think I can.

     What inspires me? Well, I'm glad you asked. That's very smart and thin of you to ask.
*I'm inspired by people rising above their situation.

*I'm inspired by love showing to be stronger than hate.

*I'm inspired by people or groups fighting through things that seem impossible being conquered

*I'm inspired when people like my cousin being optimistic even when things don't work out and trying his hardest to remember that whatever he faces isn't going to be an issue in 6 months.

*I'm inspired when people do things that are hard to do, like when a friend has to tell me something he knows is not easy for me to hear but he knows that it needs to be said. It's respectable and inspiring on many levels.

     I have a song that I've leaned on, it's my life song. It's been my life song, my personal anthem for many years and I am sad to have to acknowledge that the writer and singer of my song has recently passed away suddenly (RIP Tom Petty)

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down

Gonna stand my ground

Tom Petty's Won't Back Down hits me hardest when I feel like the literal gates of hell were at my heels, making me think hard about not letting that negativity beat me. Even though I've been through a lot of things that have taken their toll on me, I still have a fighting spirit and this song exemplifies that quality that I hope never goes away.

What's your inspiration?

An uncomfortable Talk That Needs to be Talked About

     Ok so I have been thinking about this for a while, I want to address some things that are very real in my world. As a confrontational person, it's easy for me to go to the uncomfortable areas but some of these are hard for even me.So...

     The first thing I want to bring up is the transgender/Christian situation. I know, I'm starting off with a doozy.

Christianity does not support homosexuality, there is no question about this. It specifically says, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." Leviticus 18:22 God is speaking to Moses, giving rules for the children of Israel. It's one of very many clear verses that give the principal that men with men is not right by God. I'm sure that's tough to hear for many but it's biblical.

And for anyone who does not care about the bible, the only way to continue civilization is to procreate and the way we procreate is for a man and a woman to be together and make babies, nature would have given another option if things were supposed to be another way. I'm not condemning anyone who doesn't fit this mold but there is truth in this.

The verse specifically referring to trans people I have heard much is Deuteronomy 22:5 which if you're a Christian who happens to be trans, I'm sure you've heard it so much you have it memorized,

"The woman shall not wear that which 

pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man 

put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are 

an abomination unto the LORD thy God."

Let's examine this deeper than the surface, it sounds very bad for someone who wears clothes of the opposite sex...which would be anyone who is trans at least before doing anything to transition. Taking  a few things into consideration, this isn't as clear as it may seem for these reasons:

     1. Most of what we learn and take from the old testament are principals, not laws. The fact that we don't condone stoning people shows that we take the principals of what is right and wrong but don't follow their specific actions. God absolutely wants us to glean truths from even things that we don't do the way they did at that time. That whole chapter has nothing to do with men dressing as women or women dressing as men, the chapter deals with responsibility.

The first verse says if you see your brother's ox, get it and bring it to him (paraphrasing, of course) and continuing on it talks about different responsibilities. Verse 22 teaches the principal that men should not pretend to be like woman or take on their roles to get out of their responsibilities, that's something we need to follow. It's not okay to do anything just to get out of your responsibility.

     2. I know that whether you agree or not, I am a transgendered person just as much as you are [insert your gender here] and it may be a mental illness or it may be a birth defect or it may be because of someone's choices in my life when I was very young that shaped this, no matter what the cause is does not change the fact that it is very real and it's not going away.

The uncomfortable truth about my specific situation is that if I ignore or hide this, I will eventually kill myself. I'm not threatening or saying there is anything to worry about but this is the truth. This is true for many trans people who have dealt with this since long before they let anyone else know about it.

Now I'm saying all of this to show both sides because either side of this conversation believes there is no other side, that the opposition is just wrong and there's no conversation to be had. That is a terrible way to think and it's immature to shut down dialogue with someone who disagrees with you, at least till you hear them out.

Getting personal:
     My decision to transition comes with the decision to refrain from relationships and all things sexual, it has not been an easy decision because it was something very important to me. I came to this decision because The bible says to abstain from all appearance of evil and like I mentioned first in this entry, homosexuality is a sin.

And while I could stand behind being with either gender (I could say that I'm a genetic man so being with women is okay or I could say because I transitioned, I can be with men and not care what others think), I do not think it would be right to be with men and I'm not interested in men anyway.

And the appearance of me as an identifying woman being with another woman would be the appearance of a lesbian relationship. And as I stated before, to shove this down anymore would spell certain doom for VJ so there is only one option for me.

This is a personal decision, I am not telling anyone else not to do what they feel is right as long as you acknowledge these truths that I have brought up. Your life and decisions are between you and God. My goal is not to tell anyone what to do or judge, it's simply to bring up something and let you make your choice based on facts and principals.

     And the next thing is...drum roll...

     I'm going to rant about a few things that I just need to rant about, I hope that's okay. It is? Awesome, you're the best.

     I'm a cashier and I can't tell you how painfully annoying it is the way people regularly treat cashiers. Ignoring them, yelling, cursing at them, acting as though they don't know their job, speaking down to them and more.

I have a few instant rage buttons: when people see my hand out waiting for change and the customer drops it next to my hand on the counter, I want to say the most vile viscous things; when I say hello or something and they don't respond. Oooh man, I feel less than human and that sucks!

And HOW is it okay in our society to talk on the phone (in non extreme or emergency situations...I'm not a monster) while dealing with a cashier. We almost always have to speak to you to do our job so if you can...GET OFF YOUR F*&$%#G PHONE! Sorry for the language, it's been boiling up in me for a while.

One more thing, if a cashier t\asks you for a card for their store and you don't give it to them you cannot get angry when you don't get the store specific sales that come with said card. At least for the duration of your current visit when you do that, we hate you. I know...hate is a harsh word. We hate you. It goes away but it is real at that moment.

     ...I guess that's all. I get those things a lot and needed to vent, thanks for listening...er reading.

Now for the sappy part. I want to thank everyone for your 

support and attention in a world where attention is a 

hard thing to give out. My depression has been a terrible demon 

and expressing myself on here has been life saving at times.

And having fans who read it and hopefully understand 

any of my jumbled mess of thoughts...I thank you. 

Prayers, good words and comments are always appreciated.

Both Sides of Misgendering

     I want to talk about misgendering and how we as trans people should deal with that.

     I have come out as trans about 2 years ago but have been trans all of my life so my experiences (while I acknowledge I have rose tinted glasses at times) are not minimal at all. I've known I was different since I was very young, maybe 3 or 4. I'll take this in parts, the positive and the negative.

     So  starting with the negative aspect of misgendering:

People often make fun of someone complaining about being misgendered, they treat it like they just made a tiny mistake and it may have only been once or they say they're only one person so get over it. Those people are right in the sense that they may have done it only once or that person is only one person but they do not understand that the person they misgendered most likely has been dealing with feeling and thinking like the opposite sex since a very young age and the grating factor of being called something they grew to hate gets to feel like torture.

While it is true that they are feelings and that act (even if it was said on purpose) is not violence, there are plenty of things that happen to us over time that become instant rage buttons. Imagine a boss who talks down to you whenever they see you; now imagine they see you only for an hour a day throughout the day and only for 5 days a week.

That's not so bad, you get through it in small doses, you focus on the people in your life that matter and deal with it...right? Yeah well, a few months of that and you start fighting back the urge to pick up a school bus and play batter up with that boss' head. Then longer than that and you have to fight back gritting your teeth when that boss talks.

THEN when that boss calls you out for not being respectful...you imagine ripping their eyes out, making boss swallow them and then shoving boss into a meat grinder slowly...amirite? If you've worked with a boss who is anything like this, you know that rage.

That is a close ans smaller idea of how it feels to be misgendered for a long time and a little look into why some people blow up even when it's a mistake. They have been dealing with it for a lot longer than you know.

     They also most likely HATE being grouped in with the gender you called them. I personally have learned how to not get angry and be gracious when complimented in a masculine way but it's not easy for anyone to just accept that over a long period of time.


     Now there is another side of this that trans people should understand and take to heart:

We are asking people to change their beliefs or lives or speech because of a choice we make (transitioning, not being trans) and that is NOT a right or something we should demand of others. If a person walks by me when I eventually transition and identify as a female, I will not expect them to call me anything specific. If they call me a man or dude, they potentially just don't know about my personal situation or they might not agree with my decision...or, and this is likely...they could just be rude/selfish.

I've met a lot of people  as a cashier that don't even notice that I'm human. And as much as I want to thunk their heads on the counter and yell that I'm a human and it's rude to be rude,  need to understand that they are in their world just like I'm in mine.

I have no idea what they're going through or how busy they are. They could have anxiety or they could just have been focusing on something so much that they forgot to form the words they mean to. I've done that so much in my life, I've thought responses and not actually said them, how can I get angry at everyone who doesn't do what I am guilty of too at times?

     Overall, our choices are not more important than other people's lives. If others choose to respect our identity the way we want to associate than they should be respected back and appreciated, the other people don't deserve violence or hatred or anything really. They don't deserve disrespect even, they deserve nothing. Ignorance is worse than hate and the best way to get back at someone who is trying to make you angry is to not be angry. That's how to win against internet trolls too, by the way. Don't let them make you angry by expecting them to say the worst and don't fall for it.

     Ok to wrap this entry up, I want everyone to understand where everyone else is and try to have respect for the other. It's always better and smarter to find a respect for someone else, even people who don't deserve it, in order to find a way to build a bridge some time in our lives.

I'm not advocating letting people abuse you but in regular situations and random little moments, we can both try a little and work together. Thank you for reading and please feel free to share my blog.

Why I'm Writing This

     I want to talk about a tough thing to talk about: Suicide.

Suicide has been a large theme in my life, a demon that has been beyond hard for me to deal with on my own. When I was young, I tried to attempt suicide even before I truly knew what it would mean and throughout my teen life, I came close many times to giving up and ending myself. Sometimes they were over things that weren't nearly serious enough to warrant something so permanent and sometimes there were very hard things for a little kid to handle and it would have made sense if I attempted something in a more determined way.

I'm not saying it would have been right or that anyone should ever attempt something so final, but there are times in my personal life that would have made suicide make sense to others.

That was all just kind of an intro for this entry, I can and will get into some of those topics on a deeper level at another time.

     The topic for this entry is why I write in this and what my goal is for things like suicide walks and supporting organizations that I do support.

               I'll start with why i write this.
I started writing this in 2012 because I knew I wanted to die but didn't understand why. It took me years of writing my worst, most depraved, scariest thoughts before I started to understand that
I didn't want to die, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I want to be an inspiration to people who feel like there's nothing that can get better in all of life. Through the depression, through the pain and through the worst times, I hope that someday someone reads any of this and understands that they are not only not alone but that they don't truly want to end things in reality but they want to feel and be better.


It's so hard to to understand what you feel when you're in the middle of feeling it. Sometimes your situation leads you to believe that you don't want anything but to end it all or give up and stop having to try. That is a very real thing and feels like solid truth ESPECIALLY in your mind.

But if you examine what you're going through and what the situation truly is, usually you'll find that you don't want to end your life or give up. You want to feel happy, you want things to calm down, you may want someone to like/love you or you may want something that you need or think you need.

There are always extreme situations and I am NOT going to try to say anyone's situation or issues are not important enough.  Your situations can be very serious and very real, that's not the thing I hope you focus on though. there is always another way to change things. Always.

And secondly, why I support the organizations that I support.

     afps.org hosts suicide prevention walks all over and I participate every October at the Art Museum in Philadelphia, PA. They do a lot to bring awareness to something that has so many misconceptions and has a reputation for being purely something selfish when in fact it's something that we need to be able to talk about and be open about. The worst thing to do in a suicidal situation is to treat a person thinking about suicide like they just "need to grow up"


     Well, I hope this gives you something to think about and lets someone know they are not alone. If you or someone you know is having any thoughts about committing something permanent like suicide, please please please feel free to contact me or call 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak for calling, you're strong for fighting a very scary opponent by getting help. You can become an inspiration to someone else by surviving.

More Deconstruction: "Dad"

     I have a few things that hurt me to think about, a few things that mess with my head even on my best days. Can you guess what this entry's topic is about? No, not the fall of Rome...that's a topic for another time. The word "Dad" hurts me every time I hear it.

     It all started when I was very young, old enough to use a phone but not very old. I heard the phone ring, picked it up at the same time  as someone else and because I have always been nosey I listened.

I don't remember the exact words but the gist of the conversation was that the man (and I use that term loosely) who was supposed to be a "dad" to me said he didn't want to take me on a trip or something, he said he never wanted me at all in the first place.

I knew that sucked hearing but didn't fully understand what I had heard. Over the next few years, I grew curious and made sure to pay attention to things he said or did when I was around and it made sense later that he never wanted me to be his, he never wanted to be my "dad"

Which was a good thing for him because he never was that, at all.

     Skipping ahead to a big day trip. A trip to Collingswood, NJ where there was a fair along Cooper River. Live music, games and lots of people having a good time. Same...let's call him a man...he picked me up and brought me to the fair. We walked around for a while, it was him, his wife and me.

I was not exactly a fan of his but like most kids, I didn't express my full feelings really ever. We walked around for a while together and at one point told me I could go off on my own, we were in a relatively small area and I wasn't dumb enough to go away with anyone else or anything like that. I have always been a wanderer so I went and checked out some tents they had and talked to random people and tried to just have fun. We set up a time to meet up and a certain place, that was my only stipulation from him.

So I'm having fun and walking around and I saw that it was nearly time to meet at that certain place.

Now one thing my friends and employers 

know about me is I am obsessively early 

whenever I have to be somewhere. 

Every Flyers game I go to or day I have to work, I'm just about 

always so early it's kinda silly.

So it's just about time to meet up and I get to the spot...and I wait.
                                 
                                           ...and I wait...


                                                                       ...and I keep waiting...

     So the meeting time was 1pm and I'm waiting so long that I started to see the sun going down. And after about another hour, the fair starts packing up. And I'm still standing there waiting, as instructed. This was before cell phones so it's not like I could have just sent a text or made a call to him.

At sometime after 10pm, a person came up to me and asked if I needed help. I told him my situation and he led me to a police officer who got me in touch with the man who was supposed to be a protector to me. The man who told me to meet him at a certain tent at the fair at 1pm, the man who was home laying in bed. This was the man who invited me...and forgot me.

He forgot me. I was maybe 14 or 15 and he just left me there. Oh by the way, he lived about 45 minutes away in Bensalem, PA.

     This is what most represents the word "Dad" to me throughout my life. I have been trying to learn to be happy for people with good dads and for friends who ARE good dads, and I truly am happy for them.

I never want anyone to go through the crap I went through so if I can encourage people to do one thing, it's to be a good parent or relative or friend to those around you. You can create a dictionary of words that make someone feel good and happy instead of what I'm going through constantly, you could make someone hear a word and smile.

And that is an amazing thing.