I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

 Check out my online store and please consider buying something. It's all my artwork and is from my heart, thank you.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

A Late Holiday Update and Some Future Plans - January 2020

     So it's been a while and I feel it's time for a life update. And since I'm not great at keeping up with anyone, I'll just give you a quick run down of how life has been for me for the past few months.

    *I went to Hawaii in June; it was THE BEST! 

    *July, August, September and October felt like one LOOOOONNNNNG day that just wouldn't end. Work, sleep, work sleep, eat, sit down, stand up, sit down, walk over there, come back here, sleep...and pretty much repeat. I did absolutely nothing during that entire period of time.

    *November sucks bad.

    *I started a Youtube series that I will be getting back into starting in February.

    *December was disappointing weather-wise and was boring. I did do something really cool that I'll get into details about.

    *Aaaand now it's January. Based on the last 5 months, tomorrow is May 1st.

Highlights of my life here. Sounds glamorous, I know. Ok have a good day......ok, ok there's more.

BUT FIRST!!

I have a storefront I really want to share with you all.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

Please take a look and consider showing your support by showing off some #gilmore22 love and make sure you post pictures on my instagram, twitter, on here or on facebook. I also want feedback, let me know what you like or don't like in my online store. I will be adding more personal artwork and logos. Keep checking it out.

     Alright so I mentioned that I did something really cool and I HAVE to share it because it wasn't only cool and fun but it was really inspirational to me. So very early on, I decided I was going to be as "in the Christmas spirit" as I possibly could be. Something I hope for every August till about November 11th.

Here's where things get interesting: so about two weeks before that, I got into an argument with a coworker and it was pretty heated. That coworker said some things and I said somethings and we both stopped in a fairly short time but completely ignored each other after that.

For about 13 days we kept our distance, making sure to give each other dirty looks in passing or (in my case, at least) making sure to leave the break room whenever there was a potential round 2.

     Back story complete. November 1st comes around and I was determined to get into that holiday spirit. But that argument was weighing on my heart. Not because it was one sided and I was completely wrong, it was equally pretty evil and petty. My coworker wasn't cool and I defended myself with my words (neither of like fought or anything like that) but no matter who started it or who was right or who was "more wrong" I didn't want that negativity hovering above me whenever I went in to my job.

It's a place I can't avoid and that coworker isn't going anywhere any time soon so I thought about these two things and came up with an idea that I thought could possibly help my situation with said coworker and could help me get more into the Christmas spirit.

I like to draw, in case you didn't know, and so I made that coworker a Christmas card. I put as much detail as I could into it and wrote something very nice on the back. After finishing it, I was happy with how it looked and thought other close coworkers I work with would appreciate a card too. I have a team of about 8 people who I work with and so I made them each one over the next week; so by November 8th I had I think 9 or 10 cards made.

Then I thought of a few more coworkers who have made an impression on me or who I know have been having a rough time or who I think would like to get a card...so all of a sudden I started making more cards. I made probably 25-30 more over the next two weeks and kept adding more coworkers to my list. By the end of it all, I had made over ONE HUNDRED cards (I believe the full total was 125) cards on blank index cards, each one was different and I wrote something special and specific on the back of each one.

By the way, I am an introvert who has very very much trouble not making myself invisible so many people at my place of employment barely even know what my voice sounds like. 

     The week before Christmas I started giving them out and a bunch of coworkers who didn't even know my name really appreciated getting a card. Then they saw that I didn't just buy some dollar store card or even some expensive Hallmark card but rather that I made them a personalized drawing and wrote something specifically for them and that really blew a lot of people away. Oh I also put a hockey card in everyone's envelope because I'm me and I've been doing that for years.

     Here was my favorite parts of this whole endeavor:

First was a coworker who I feel gets very little recognition for all he does. I gave one coworker, who is a Vet and a great worker, and he was absolutely blown away! He thanked me and was so happy that he and his wife made sure to get a card for me on Christmas and he told me he's going to keep the one I gave him with his important documents. That alone made everything worth it!

     I have a very high and strong respect for Vets, fire fighters, police officers and anyone else who does anything that risks their life. So just the fact that he is a Vet gets my ultimate respect but this man comes to work every day, he is always on top of things, he always has a smile on even when they day sucks and he get little to no appreciation because he works in the back where few see him.

Then a few coworkers gave me gift cards, which I did not expect at all! That was really sweet.

There were a few specific humans who are employed at the same building who didn't even thank me or even look at me when I gave them the cards that took me over an hour to create. Those are the humans that...well, calling them humans was hard for me to do. I'll stop there and move on.

     And then the main event. The coworker who didn't know actually inspired 120+ Christmas cards and 2 months worth of drawing every single day after work. I walked up to the coworker I hadn't said one word to in about 3 months and said, "Um, hey. I don't mean to bother you but I have something for you." in my most confident (not confident at all) voice. I handed coworker an envelope with their name on it and said coworker looked at it skeptically.

In that split second I realized that if my coworker had ripped it up or thrown it away in front of me, I would have been absolutely and inconsolably devastated. I was so optimistic for this one coworker to be blessed by this one action that I didn't even consider rejection.

   My coworker looked at it with no emotion and then said, "You got this for me?" I said yeah.

My coworker opened it and saw that I made the card and I wrote something very nice and the reaction was visible on their face finally. And my coworker, who a week ago was ready for watch me burn, appreciated it and said Merry Christmas. It was really really great to me and I am proud to say that as of Saturday January 11th 2020 the last time I saw that coworker we said good morning to each other and talked for a minute before starting my shift on Friday.

     If that doesn't inspire positive things, then nothing will.

     Well, my immediate future plans are exciting as I'm FINALLY legally changing my name with this year's tax return money. I've been looking forward to this for a long time now and I'm happy take this next step in my journey.

My next future plan is taking a trip to visit a friend this coming summer. It's gonna be great to see a friend who I haven't seen since...maaan, maybe 2002? Maybe? I can't even remember exactly. I met her through my old church and have kept in touch through the years thank God; she's grown so much and has been a blessing in many ways. I'm eager to go see her and share our life experiences over the last bunch of years (Bessica, expect this sentence a lot, "Oh man! When I was in Hawaii...")

And finally...

     In March of 2021 is my next big trip. I'm going to visit Canada on my birthday!

     I have plans to migrate to the great country of Canada as soon as I'm able and this will be my first visit there, along with the amazing pleasure of visiting a friend there. I am so so ready to go to the Hall of Fame (I will go there from the moment they open till the moment they make me leave) and I gotta go to a Leafs game while I'm there.

I'm also stopping by a great friend's house on my way there and I'm gonna stay a few days. I miss her and her kids too much not to catch up with them on my way to the Great White North.

And my non travel future plan is Youtube. I'm going to be working very soon on all new episodes of Journey of Life and hopefully getting some decent guests and it's gonna be interesting.

I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

Post Vacation Update

     So I did a thing and it was pretty cool. If you know me personally, you've probably gotten tired of the words 'Oahu' 'Hawaii' and 'wild'

     Here's a brief bragging session. Ready? Alright...here we go:

My cousin Ryan, a good friend Codi and I all went to Oahu, HI from June 11th till June 19th and we had an absolute blast! There were ups (some literally), some crazy downs and so many new things!

First, I want to take a moment and say we had the absolutely best hosts possible. Evelyn and Mark who welcomed us into their home and treated us like family while we were there. I highly recommend anyone interested in visiting Oahu to search on Facebook for Aloha Oasis Hideaway and make sure to tell them that Layla Lee sent you.

     Our Oahu trip included The Pink Pill hike, Diamondhead Crater, a shark diving encounter, a tour of Pearl Harbor, a rock jump at the North Shore, surfing at Waikiki Beach, acai in a pineapple, waianae beaches that were amazing, Germaine's Luau, seeing dolphins twirling out of the water, Dan's Shave Ice and admiring every ounce of blue water at almost every turn. And all that was only the stuff I could think of off the top of my mind.

Dan's Shave Ice

     Listing out each day is not as easy as I thought it would be so...I'm not gonna do that but I do have many pictures and videos from the entire trip. And after Codi left, Ryan and I went to The Big Island and that was mind blowing too.

The highlight there was our hike up Mauna Kea, the worlds tallest Volcano (from the base to the top). It was not easy and we definitely earned every minute of rest after taking on that mammoth mountain.

     Overall, I still can't believe that I went there and saw the things I saw. It's amazing that I, someone who has never seen much of anything in person, saw a manta ray a few feet from my face (briefly but it still happened), ate fresh fruit I've never even knew existed, chased a goat that was on the side of the road (I wanted to pet it...can you blame me?), I jumped off an about 20 foot rock into the most amazing water roughly a week after barely making it up a 12 rung ladder at my job, I swam a few feet away from Galopogos sharks...pretty much the fact that I can say the phrase "When I was in Oahu..."

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...