Accepting My New Journey

     I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and hope that it resonates with someone...anyone really. I started this as a written journal in early 2012 as a way to release the negative emotions, the demons if you will, that have been heavily weighing me down for as long as I can remember. I thought I wanted to die but in truth, I wanted to live and be happy AND I thought I couldn't attain that so the next best thing is to end it all...incorrect, I know, but that's what I thought.

Through the years, I've learned a lot about my own mind and what some of the real issues are that plague me. One thing that has never changed is the nature of wanting to be a helper to people.

I've always had a go between nature that has guided my choices in friends and things I do. I haveconstantly tried to help the left out, the castaways, the black sheep. I even relate to peace making characters in tv shows, movies or books; for example, Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet (I read the book years before Leonardo made it popular so...extra credit for me) and Bull Shannon from Night Court (see my previous entry about characters I want to be like for a full description).

Those characters and a plethora of others are my favorites because they could pick one side but they feel the need to see things from both perspectives and try to help bridge gaps in enemies and I try my best to build bridges in everyday life ina  bunch of ways.

     I have a few examples of everyday bridge building that show my perspective.

I was working as a cashier andf a customer was not paying attention, an old woman's items came to a certain amount (I forge the exact amount so I'm making it up) it came to $12.83 and she would not look at me or respond to anything I said, things like, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Do you have a savings card with us?" 

So I told her the price and did my best to not sound angry when telling her the price of her stuff and waited for her to pay. She began rummaging through her change and I put my hand right next to her purse, clearly waiting for her to put the coins in my hand. My hand was directly under her hands and she moved away from my hands and rudely dropped the change on the counter, causing me to have imaginations of committing Looney Tune type voilence to her self. And mind you my imagination is very vivid so I was supressing it as much as humanly possible. 

Now I could have yelled at her, ignored it or done something back like wait for her to pick it up but I decided to take a second and restrain my mouth from yelling. Then I calmly said to her,"Ya know, when you throw change on the counter like that, cashiers take it as an insult. If you didn't do that, they would appreciate it very much." (again, my memory of the exact words are foggy but it was very similar to this) and she looked at me (for the first time in this entire exchange) and gave me a shocked look, as if I told her I ran over her newborn grandson and finished paying. 

Now I'm sure I should have ignored that but in my mind I was trying to explain in a calm manner to her that the act she performed was not the best way she could do that and a way to build a bridge between her and all cashiers. I truly meant all of that with positivity and care for her even though she complained to my manager. 

Numerous times I have talked to people who have the appearance of seeming uneasy with me in a  open way that shows them I see them as people and not just another customer. I try to make my words personal when I talk to people, making sure to listen and be aware of what others are doing or going through, it often benefits everyone involved. 

     Another giant example of me trying to put this peace maker thing into rpactice in my life is when I come across anyone in service of our country. When I see a police officer, a fire fighter or anyone who is or was in the service (when I know it, of course) I make sure to thank them for their service and tell them I appreciate what they do. That has shown to be a great decision, sometimes they say thank you and go about their business but sometimes they smile, thank me and look honored to be recognized. Those 

situations are worth every effort and they build a relationshiop between society and those people who may not specifically put their life on the line at any point butjust committing to do the job they do, that alone risks their life. 

     All of these examples ar emy way of showing that the gift I have is being a peace maker at heart, it's something that makes me feel like I am useful here on earth when I see it working somehow. 

It makes me feel like I am here for a reason when I'm in one of those situations where I'm able to help someone who looks or feels left out or build some bridge with someone somehow. 

Anyway, my point with all of this is that I have a place on earth and right now with me transitioning, I feel even more confident that I have a place wher I can not only be a peace maker but I can use my situation and my experience in church and with God to show transgendered people that theyr're people too even though they go through a lot of negative stuff.  

Being a trans person who is about to start my new journey, who is right leaning politically, who has been through as much as I've been through and who believes in God and Chritianity I feel there is a bridge that NEEDS to be built between anyone in the larger circles I'm starting to join or associate with and the church. 

I'm starting to feel like there is a reason for me here, finally. If indeed God has led me to this point in my life, I see why a lot of things didn't go the way I thought i wanted them to go throughout my life. And I am okay with a lot of those things, those things I saw as failure makes sense more now than ever before. 

Epic Ranting Time (NSFW)

     I'm going to warn you right now, this I am in a horrible mood and I am going to be letting out some very harsh emotions and using strong language that I do not normally use. It is the me that no one sees and it's not an attractive trait. As I write this, I feel dumb for getting so mad but it's not the first, second or five thousandth time something like this has happened to me and it is a microcosm of everything I try to do...so here we go...

     Tonight I felt alone. And not in the "I have no friends around" kinda way although that was true (with the exception of a good friend texting me during the hockey game) I felt alone in the "God is not here for me" kind of way. Now I know a lot of people that would tell me I'm wrong and that I need to trust Him or  read or pray more. I'm not going to pretend I'm consistent with any of that but what I do see consistently is there is nothing I can do without a GIANT fight. Nothing.

Whether I curse or speak politely, whether I steal or give, whether I wait patiently or take what I want when I want it...it always ends up the same; something makes everything I do so hard that even when/if I get it, I am so angry beyond rage that I don't care about anything or anyone or what happens.

And the worst part is it's not only big life changing things, it's not like I can't seem to get that big house way up in the west hills without something going so wrong that even if I do get it eventually I'm just beyond angry. It's like what happened tonight:

I am sitting here, angry and trying to calm down so I pray and ask God to help me calm down. As I finish that, I am reminded that a friend gave me a season of a tv show (House season 2, my second favorite show and my second favorite season) I forgot he gave it to me and was looking at it like,

"Ok God, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I could 

really use that to relax and calm down. That's perfect."

And so I pick it up and open the case, finding that the little plastic pieces holding the discs is broken. Not something worth freaking out about, just a little annoying. Ok so what. I press the little button to open the disc drive on my computer and it pops out. Good so far, right? Right.

I put the DVD in and it does nothing. After waiting a few minutes, I go into the folder and find the contents of the DVD and click on it. My computer freezes for what seemed like an eternity and I end up force closing the program and reopening it. Same results. Try again? Yeah ok, sounds smart...same result again and again and again. By now, I'm trying not to shout but it's getting harder and harder by the second.

I just want the DVD to work so I can calm down and relax while laughing at Greg House

 That's all I want and by that point, I was doing all I can to keep from cursing at my inanimate object of a computer. So I FINALLY get it to open without freezing and I open my Windows Media Player. It doesn't automatically just play because that's what happens when I do something. I go into the folder for my DVDs and drag and drop the files into the Media Player and to my surprise...they don't work.
     ...of course they don't. I tried each file individually and none worked. I tried to put them all in at once, nope. I tried to reopen the program...nothing again. I kept getting a pop up that said it can't open the files because there's a problem or something like that.

OF FRICKIN COURSE NOT! I'm starting to boil with more than anger at that point.

     Side Note: Oh by the way, my current computer (one that I have taken great care of over the not even year that I've used it) is literally falling apart from absolutely nothing. My previous computer was destroyed because one night I was angry and accidentally broke it. I was so angry over something not working that was supposed to that I hit it and eventually broke it.

So I calmly and gently take the DVD out and restart it. Same results and I try a different program. It opens and that program starts. YES!! Ok, I can come back from this point of anger as long as SOMETHING just works for me. Up until this point, I didn't even think about if it wasn't going to work, I have used this computer recently to play DVDs so there shouldn't be this issue.

I figured that I just gotta do one little thing different and it'll work, I must be making some mistake that keeps it from running as usual. I've been told recently that I do things expecting it to go wrong and that's why things go wrong for me. I didn't even have that in my mind till just after this point.

The program opens and it has the option to play the DVD. ALRIGHT! SO I press the play button and that screen with the run time comes up but there is not time counter, the spot where it's supposed to start counting to show it's playing is faded and at 00:00:00 (on both ends so there's nothing to play and nothing is playing)

"Of Fucking course! C'mon! JUST PLAY! PLEASE??!" I say to my computer that has no way of answering me.

Nothing changes and I shut the program and restart it, trying again. This time I'm near that explosion point, holding on by threads to sanity in this situation. A thread...a very thin thread.
I watch the program do the exact same thing and those threads are pulling from both ends. "JUST...PLEASE?! LIKE REALLY??!"

I get to that same place where the DVD is supposed to play the show and nothing again.

By now, I've gotten past just anger into very very near rage, I am growing a migraine, still angry about the hockey game, I'm feeling alone, I'm sweaty and annoyed and I am beyond ready to destroy the hell out of this computer. So having the program mocking me by what it did next was that breaking point.

It FINALLY opened and I heard Hugh Laurie's voice...for about two seconds. It's in the middle of a random episode and it freezes after two words by the Dr that he all love.

After hearing it and seeing the freezing screen, I about yell, "COME FUCKING ON! WHY??! WHY ARE YOU...AAAAH!" And this is where I start losing my mind. Between the many many curse words that I made sure my inanimate object of a computer heard and my beat red face, I couldn't hold in the rage anymore. It was just too much.

I insulted my computer so much, I'm pretty sure I made up many words just to use against it. And when I decided to just give up on watching the DVD, I stood up and used my full lungs to make it known just how much I can't stand that everything I do (no matter what it is), I fail and end up so angry that I don't care if I get my desired results or not.

I didn't care by that point if the DVD worked perfectly from that very moment on, it didn't matter anymore because I already blew up and lost every ounce of sanity and calmness that I so very needed. I blew up for about an hour...literally one.full.hour.

So after spraying the computer with my anger spit and finally grabbing some semblance of myself, I tried to calm somewhat down from all of that. All I wanted to do was calm down in the first place but the ONE thing I wanted to do was watch a show that I knew would help me laugh and relax a little. So I thought, "Ok. O-mother f*****g-K! I'll find my 2 terabyte hard drive and watch something from there. Screw you, piece of shit computer! I'm, not letting you win! Screw the FUCK out of you! Piece of garbage! I'm so sick of..." and with that, I threw about a thousand more degrading words together.

Of course I couldn't find my hard drive, because that's what I do. I misplace whatever it is I want only at the time that I want it." I stopped and just sat down in the middle of my room floor and just looked up. "Why God? Why do you let this happen to me ALWAYS?! It's always when I need something the most that it's not there or it doesn't work or I mess it up. Always when I need it the most"

I'm just sitting there, speechless and so beyond angry. All I wanted was to compose myself and get to the point of being able to put the stuff that had me in a bad mood out of my mind. But at that point I just...I just don't care.

I don't care that my migraine is hitting me or that my computer is falling apart or that NOTHING is ever simple; all I care about is why God is ignoring my pleas. "God, really?! This is what you want from me?? You want me to just never be okay? Ever?! You don't care that I just need something from you??! DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Do you care??!" I look up and wait a moment.

"Do something! Like now! I don't care if it's good, do something bad, something that I don't like or want...just DO.SOMETHING.NOW." nothing happens.

"Do something so I know you exist..or you're listening...or something to show me you even care that I need you to show me something..." nothing happens. "Anything? Anything at all? I'm not asking for money or everything to work out. I'm not even asking for ANYTHING to work out, God.Just do SOMETHING."

As if He is standing above me, I look up and in just sad rage I say, "DO YOU EXIST?! DO YOU CARE DO YOU KNOW I'M IN NEED? Not just want: need. I need to know you are there."

And like everything else in my life, I do not get the desired result, I get an alone and abandoned feeling. I didn't kick something or throw my computer

(I wanted to so so bad...but I didn't. 

You want proof? Well, I'm typing on that computer 

right now. You wouldn't be reading this if I did)

And I finally calmed down a little, not in a "wow I feel okay" kinda way or a "Now that that's out of my system, I can relax" kinda way; it's more like a "I have no more physical energy and if I get any angrier, I will break something that I reeeeally need to not break" kinda way.

I've been going through a lot lately and it seems like there's no right answer to anything, like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't to everything. I'm not making any threats, that's not what this is about; this is about the emotion and the inability to do anything without it going so badly that I can't win.

I need prayer, badly right now. I truly want to believe God cares but my experiences have not been kind to me and it's getting harder by the minute to hold onto even the desire to care. Right now the only motivation I have to even go on is my upcoming transition. The thought of future girls nights and getting dressed up and not feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wearing inappropriate clothes, those are the only thing I'm clinging to right now.

I know this isn't nice or something I'm proud of writing...I'm sorry if this bothers you to read. It bothers me too, but it is the absolute brutal and completely vulnerable honesty. One of the very few things I see about myself as a successful trait is my opaque honesty and this...well, there is no more vulnerable moment than when one is alone and yelling at God because one feels lost, left out and unloved.

Thank you for reading...

A Possible Beginning to my Journey

     I remember being in preschool, there was a wall full of costumes that was about the coolest thing I ever saw...at the time at least. (Hey I was like 5, chill out.) Anyway, this wall had so many hats and scarves and dresses and fake jewelry and canes and so much more.

This wall fascinated me from the very second I learned what it was, I wanted to be anything and everything. I guess you could point to that time that formed my desire to act and write. I played with that costume wall every chance I got but there was something that I really wanted to do but never could;
I always wanted to dress up and play with the girls and enjoy dressing up Barbie dolls. I watched the girls having fun and felt jealous and sad that I couldn't be a part of that. And I understood their games and love of clothes and I felt like on some level I belonged with them.


Then I looked at what the boys were playing with and how they were playing, some of it wasn't horrible but there wasn't much that I cared about. I specifically remember playing with my best friend when we were kids and GI Joe was a big thing but I absolutely hated it! In fact, the only thing I liked at all was setting up the scenes.

I would set up a town for the GI Joes or transformers or legos for hours and get things just the way I wanted and then I'd clean up and put everything away. It was a weird dynamic I had going but it was me trying my hardest to accept me as a boy and it wasn't working but it was all I had. I had a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that I treated like it was my kid, I took it everywhere and took care of it like it was a real baby and for a long time I didn't know why I wanted to do that so bad.

I remember seeing my friends that were boys building and digging and working on their preskool cars like they were mechanics and there I was babysitting a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal while dreaming of playing with the girls and playing with makeup.

The few times I was able to do those things, it was like I was in the right place or doing the right thing. My little sister would play with her dolls and I'd play with her, giving me a reason to dress up the dolls and match clothes and just be who I felt was the real me.

I know all kids go through phases like that but this was more than a phase and I knew it then, I didn't just put on my mom's shoes just to get attention. I knew then that I wanted to truly be a girl, like always.

That was the time it went from a boy who hated being what he was to a boy knowing he wanted to be a girl. From there it became a need that I had to bury, hide and ignore and treat like just a disgusting guilty pleasure. But I'm really starting to believe that that's when a journey began for me that might have a happier ending...


                                                                           ...I hope.

Dreaming a Little Dream

     I work as a cashier, I live in someone's apartment, I take walks with my friends, I watch hockey, I pray to God, I buy jewelry and internet window shop for clothes or makeup, I eat terribly (for now at least), I draw, I play PS2 and Nintendo and Super Nintendo, I paint my nails, I watch YouTube videos, I listen to pandora.com, I read about trans people and trans issues, I play on Facebook or Instagram and on the rare occasion I get some sleep. That about it for my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life routines.

Then there's my unroutine stuff (I make up words, get over it)

     I question every word I use and every choice I make, I try so hard to not do certain things that I cause myself to do them, I mumble, I over emphasize words, I make sure to not bother anyone ever, I ask my friends over and over if I am annoying them or making things harder for them, I stay in my room when I feel extra introverted, I lose my voice without any reason, I look down because I feel like less than human, I break plans and let people down regularly because I feel like they'll be better off if I'm not around them, I freak out in my mind so hard that it makes me sweat and not able to think, I wish I was different...like really really hard and I shut down when stress takes over my ability to think straight.

This photo is a correct assessment of my brain a lot of the time. 

     So I had all these expectations for my life a long time ago, expectations that I felt I was able at a time to fulfill; I also included life and things that were out of my control. I expected to have to deal
with bills, things breaking down and having to work long hours or hard jobs.

I also expected to have to take care of babies and make phone calls and clean up after a bad dog...

What I didn't expect was to have a long term crippling desire/need to feel comfortable and the fight that that came with. I didn't expect to be beaten down so hard that even simple things like believing in God or believing that God would care about me seems impossible.

I didn't expect to be treated by a father so badly that I genuinely doubt anyone's love when they say or try to show it to me ever and I also didn't expect anxiety to cause nonsensical things to push me down daily.

     I must say I have learned some pretty important things through my struggles though and some of them are priceless...and some plague me almost minute by minute.

I've learned that I do not want to die.
      this is pretty big, a few years ago, I would have disagreed with this if I was being brutally honest with you. I thought for so long that I was only here because some truck didn't yet veer off the road and finish me off. I'm not saying that is fixed in me but the things I've encountered and the battles I've fought have made me stronger in some ways.

Whether some believe or not, I believe that some of the things I had to fight for and lost or the things I wasn't able to achieve were because I was destined for the journey I'm fighting for and happy to take on now.

The road from Vincent to Layla has been a scary, nearly deadly and nothing short of interesting one, one that I would not be on if any number of things had worked out over the last 20 years. If I met a woman and got married or if I had not been so discouraged in school and actually tried at all and gotten on a career path or if I had gotten into drugs and the friends that often comes with

...these are just a few things that could and would have changed how my life played out. I don't think I would be transitioning right now if I had a family (I'm not discouraging anyone in that situation from anything they think is right and to be brutally honest, I think I would not still be here rather than ruin lives by exposing my true thoughts on a wife and kids)

I've learned who my true friends are
     I explained before that being a true friend does not mean you should support anything they want to do so this is not attacking anyone that has decided to cut me out of their life, but I will say this: BROWNIE POINTS to the people who have not cut me from their life because of my decision to embrace my inner life and do what it takes to actually feel happy. This struggle is very very real and the friends who have kept in touch or have let me talk "girl talk" or the ones who are willing to listen to what I have to say are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge at times.

My life is owed to my friends, you can tell me I'm wrong for thinking that or for putting that on their shoulders but it is true. I have only succeeded in anything that I have succeeded in because I had someone else there to share my joys with or help me through the hard parts, I feel very strongly in this philosophy:

So without all of those people, I would have given up by now. And that includes the people who cannot support my decision. The ones I'm referring to have always displayed love and strength and I appreciate and respect them and will miss every one of them immensely everyday.

I've learned that needing help isn't always a weakness
     I have had to humble myself and go to hospitals, I've had to break down and tell people that I'm not okay and I've had to share my painful details with doctors and strangers at times in  the last few years. And I have learned that those times that I had to get rid of my personal expectations and I had to bruise my ego... and that was okay. That was not wrong.

In fact those things were the right things to do, rather than keep trying to put band aids on my issues and move on. Breaking down is not a weakness, it can in the future be turned into a strength.


   

I want to end this with a question:

What have you learned through your struggles?

Passion, Excitement and my Future

     Passion. Something I've always listed as one of my strongest and most positive traits Something I've always been able to feel on deep level. "He wears his heart on his sleeve" is a phrase that has described me throughout most of my life. Even doing something simple or small, I still feel such passion for anything I do that it becomes a part of my identity.

It's something that I have, to an extent, lost because of anxiety and failures and fears and life. It's kind of scary how I get nervous and  gun shy even when doing things I'm comfortable doing a lot of times. Today, I had a decent day at work. I trained someone on the register and did a good job of explaining things to him, my boss thanked me for training him and making sure to go over things that he said other people don't think of.

And after a few compliments, I thanked him but was so shy and unsure of myself even just in standing there being complimented that I just kinda shrugged at him and shelled up.

I'm not always great at explaining my thoughts but I'll try to express why this was a bad thing and why it made me feel so negative. I said in the beginning that when I do things that I know how to do, I insert a level of passion in those things somehow that kinda make them unique to me.

As in, I put a piece of my heart and soul in things I do or make or whatever. But in doing a good job at work and training a coworker and not letting any anxiety or stress get to me today, I didn't even feel a little passion about any of it.

By the way, not letting anxiety or stress get to me for a full work day was a very big thing, usually things like a line growing a little too long or trying to do multiple things at once sends me into an anxiety attack. So keep that in mind when I explain why today wasn't a good day in a way.

Yeah, so I felt no passion in positive things that happened and that's not good when it's always been so important to me. But the positive take away from today was that the day seemed to fly by and it didn't make me feel like I have an ulcer due to stress. So, I'm not complaining about the day overall, more like expressing some slight concern about one aspect.

     And on to the positive stuff about my current life:

First is the thing I've been embracing more and more, I've been truly working on enjoying becoming Layla. It's actually been harder than I thought to accept that it's not a deep dark secret anymore and that it's a good thing that I'm not hiding my self. It's like I've learned how to be a dude for so long that there are a few areas that I don't know how to be the real me; like I've been lying for so long I forgot what the truth is.

But besides that, it's been really exciting and great to openly talk about my future and learn who is supportive of this part of my life. I went somewhere recently and was called Layla the whole time and at first it felt weird but in a good way and after a while, it felt really good to enjoy being called by my name.

I'm going to be going through the transitioning process within the next two months and I am beyond excited to legally change my name and to finally walk around openly identifying as Layla Jade Gilmore. I've been gathering little things and looking for more things that can help me feel a little more comfortable, mostly jewelry and makeup that I've always wanted to own. One thing I recently got that I've always loved was the necklace from Titanic
(the heart of the ocean...and it's a cheap knock off, I know but still looks good.)

I'm also excited about my hair growing so long. It's taken a very long time but it's finally longer than my shoulders and still going.

I have wanted to grow my hair out very long as long as I can remember but for one reason or another I was not allowed at any point in my life. I dyed my hair lighter and have been taking care of it as it gets decently long, I also have plans to go to a salon and have it professionally done...gonna have to save up for a while for that though. I am thinking about doing Ivory white, like the picture on the right.

Please let me know what you think about that or if you have any other suggestions for hair colors that you like.

And I'm also happy and excited to bring more and more of my friends into my life as I learn who is willing to. I've been adding more of my friends to my new Facebook after respectfully letting them know where I am in life. I just can't get over how surprising it is when someone accepts me and what they mean to me, if you are one of those people I seriously cannot thank you enough for sticking with me whether you agree with my decision or not. It means more than I can explain.

     Well, I hope my ramblings were not too attention deficited for you (...if that makes sense...) it's been a long week and I'm trying to make the best of the bad parts and also excitedly enjoying the positive parts. Thank you for reading and as always, I always appreciate prayers and good thoughts sent my way

Inspiration

     I've been thinking about inspiration lately, the things that inspire me to want to try and most importantly the things that help me keep going when I don't think I can.

     What inspires me? Well, I'm glad you asked. That's very smart and thin of you to ask.
*I'm inspired by people rising above their situation.

*I'm inspired by love showing to be stronger than hate.

*I'm inspired by people or groups fighting through things that seem impossible being conquered

*I'm inspired when people like my cousin being optimistic even when things don't work out and trying his hardest to remember that whatever he faces isn't going to be an issue in 6 months.

*I'm inspired when people do things that are hard to do, like when a friend has to tell me something he knows is not easy for me to hear but he knows that it needs to be said. It's respectable and inspiring on many levels.

     I have a song that I've leaned on, it's my life song. It's been my life song, my personal anthem for many years and I am sad to have to acknowledge that the writer and singer of my song has recently passed away suddenly (RIP Tom Petty)

You can stand me up at the gates of hell

But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground

Won't be turned around

And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down

Gonna stand my ground

Tom Petty's Won't Back Down hits me hardest when I feel like the literal gates of hell were at my heels, making me think hard about not letting that negativity beat me. Even though I've been through a lot of things that have taken their toll on me, I still have a fighting spirit and this song exemplifies that quality that I hope never goes away.

What's your inspiration?

An uncomfortable Talk That Needs to be Talked About

     Ok so I have been thinking about this for a while, I want to address some things that are very real in my world. As a confrontational person, it's easy for me to go to the uncomfortable areas but some of these are hard for even me.So...

     The first thing I want to bring up is the transgender/Christian situation. I know, I'm starting off with a doozy.

Christianity does not support homosexuality, there is no question about this. It specifically says, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination." Leviticus 18:22 God is speaking to Moses, giving rules for the children of Israel. It's one of very many clear verses that give the principal that men with men is not right by God. I'm sure that's tough to hear for many but it's biblical.

And for anyone who does not care about the bible, the only way to continue civilization is to procreate and the way we procreate is for a man and a woman to be together and make babies, nature would have given another option if things were supposed to be another way. I'm not condemning anyone who doesn't fit this mold but there is truth in this.

The verse specifically referring to trans people I have heard much is Deuteronomy 22:5 which if you're a Christian who happens to be trans, I'm sure you've heard it so much you have it memorized,

"The woman shall not wear that which 

pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man 

put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are 

an abomination unto the LORD thy God."

Let's examine this deeper than the surface, it sounds very bad for someone who wears clothes of the opposite sex...which would be anyone who is trans at least before doing anything to transition. Taking  a few things into consideration, this isn't as clear as it may seem for these reasons:

     1. Most of what we learn and take from the old testament are principals, not laws. The fact that we don't condone stoning people shows that we take the principals of what is right and wrong but don't follow their specific actions. God absolutely wants us to glean truths from even things that we don't do the way they did at that time. That whole chapter has nothing to do with men dressing as women or women dressing as men, the chapter deals with responsibility.

The first verse says if you see your brother's ox, get it and bring it to him (paraphrasing, of course) and continuing on it talks about different responsibilities. Verse 22 teaches the principal that men should not pretend to be like woman or take on their roles to get out of their responsibilities, that's something we need to follow. It's not okay to do anything just to get out of your responsibility.

     2. I know that whether you agree or not, I am a transgendered person just as much as you are [insert your gender here] and it may be a mental illness or it may be a birth defect or it may be because of someone's choices in my life when I was very young that shaped this, no matter what the cause is does not change the fact that it is very real and it's not going away.

The uncomfortable truth about my specific situation is that if I ignore or hide this, I will eventually kill myself. I'm not threatening or saying there is anything to worry about but this is the truth. This is true for many trans people who have dealt with this since long before they let anyone else know about it.

Now I'm saying all of this to show both sides because either side of this conversation believes there is no other side, that the opposition is just wrong and there's no conversation to be had. That is a terrible way to think and it's immature to shut down dialogue with someone who disagrees with you, at least till you hear them out.

Getting personal:
     My decision to transition comes with the decision to refrain from relationships and all things sexual, it has not been an easy decision because it was something very important to me. I came to this decision because The bible says to abstain from all appearance of evil and like I mentioned first in this entry, homosexuality is a sin.

And while I could stand behind being with either gender (I could say that I'm a genetic man so being with women is okay or I could say because I transitioned, I can be with men and not care what others think), I do not think it would be right to be with men and I'm not interested in men anyway.

And the appearance of me as an identifying woman being with another woman would be the appearance of a lesbian relationship. And as I stated before, to shove this down anymore would spell certain doom for VJ so there is only one option for me.

This is a personal decision, I am not telling anyone else not to do what they feel is right as long as you acknowledge these truths that I have brought up. Your life and decisions are between you and God. My goal is not to tell anyone what to do or judge, it's simply to bring up something and let you make your choice based on facts and principals.

     And the next thing is...drum roll...

     I'm going to rant about a few things that I just need to rant about, I hope that's okay. It is? Awesome, you're the best.

     I'm a cashier and I can't tell you how painfully annoying it is the way people regularly treat cashiers. Ignoring them, yelling, cursing at them, acting as though they don't know their job, speaking down to them and more.

I have a few instant rage buttons: when people see my hand out waiting for change and the customer drops it next to my hand on the counter, I want to say the most vile viscous things; when I say hello or something and they don't respond. Oooh man, I feel less than human and that sucks!

And HOW is it okay in our society to talk on the phone (in non extreme or emergency situations...I'm not a monster) while dealing with a cashier. We almost always have to speak to you to do our job so if you can...GET OFF YOUR F*&$%#G PHONE! Sorry for the language, it's been boiling up in me for a while.

One more thing, if a cashier t\asks you for a card for their store and you don't give it to them you cannot get angry when you don't get the store specific sales that come with said card. At least for the duration of your current visit when you do that, we hate you. I know...hate is a harsh word. We hate you. It goes away but it is real at that moment.

     ...I guess that's all. I get those things a lot and needed to vent, thanks for listening...er reading.

Now for the sappy part. I want to thank everyone for your 

support and attention in a world where attention is a 

hard thing to give out. My depression has been a terrible demon 

and expressing myself on here has been life saving at times.

And having fans who read it and hopefully understand 

any of my jumbled mess of thoughts...I thank you. 

Prayers, good words and comments are always appreciated.