Lingering Downs Through Overall Progress

     So I think I've made some progress with getting through a few of my mental blocks and depression issues over the last few years. I've been working very hard at dissecting why I think the way I think and what causes me to react negatively...and sometimes even knowing all I have learned, I still fall into depressions.

I'd love to truthfully write that I've made huge strides and have conquered depression, suicidal thoughts...problems, really. But then I find myself feeling so down and so impossibly buried in all that life and the world can throw at me to keep me down that I'm not able to fight it all.

Right now in life, there are some positive things in my life that I can look at and see physical improvements; I've come a very long way in certain areas and have indeed survived some really truly harsh and awful things and I'm in a better place than I deserve to be or could be. But...I still look around and don't see  a way to get better in some areas that I just need to be better in.

Emotionally:

     I used to keep quiet and if I needed something desperately, I kept quiet. Not that I wanted to be silent but it was as if I had a metal bar over my mouth and I just couldn't muster any voice to make sound. I didn't know why I felt that way but I knew that  I regretted every single time I didn't speak up when I should have.

Whether it was something important like needing glasses as a kid or I wanted to choose something for myself when given a choice of something (Like if someone gave me a choice of drink, I took whatever they handed me even if I hated it)

I have fought very very hard to stop being this way and within the last maybe 5 years find myself sometimes saying to much, accepting that I'd rather say something and take it back then not say anything and think about what I wanted to say for weeks.

Spiritually: 

     God has been a major part of my life since I was 19 when I found the church I still go to currently. I didn't care if God existed when I was young, I just wanted to not be where or who I was; that was my selfish and only care. I mean I wanted stuff selfishly but my only deep wish wasn't to learn or grow or be smart or give God a chance, I just wanted to leave where I was or the person I was becoming.

At 19-20, I learned that God exists and He has a lot more planned for people than I thought. My eyes were opened to the fact that things have deeper meanings or destinies and I might possibly have some kind of destiny of my own...mind blown.

It wasn't long after that when I started seeing a lot of very disturbing terrible things and realized just how bad I must have been, like God must have been either punishing me or not liked me very much. I often referred to myself as the butt of God's jokes when thinking of my metaphorical existence.

It wasn't until very recently that I even started to chip away at the negative philosophies I put on God. I'm currently trying to get all the bad stuff that happens to me off God's shoulders and take in only
the good things that happen. Praying to thank God for every little thing that happens and ask Him to help me accept the bad things I can't change or fix.

I'm trying to learn the balance between knowing God and powers that are above what we see here on earth and realistic logical physics. It's not always easy to understand that there is more than we see but some stuff needs to be seen to be believed. To truly and unbiasedly try to understand this can get very very deep.

Physically: 

     Obviously my body is changing right now, I've been on hormones (estrogen) since January and there are/will be some major changes but the intangible physical changes about me are bigger. I'm a different person in every way and the mental or emotional is starting to have physical effects.

My mannerisms have been a huge part of who I am, my awkward movements and my unconfident little actions have defined how I feel or think of myself for as long as I can remember. One example is nail biting, I've been a nail biter since before I can remember and besides when I have to, I've been a non-nail biter for a few months (I say when I have to because a few times I've caught my nail on something at work and either had to bite til it was even or potentially rip it badly on random stuff)

So while I'm proud that I have been doing better at not nail biting, it leaves a huge hole in my mannerism that I don't know what to do with. It's like taking Internet away from anti social people; you can take that away but it wasn't that they were addicted to the Internet or their phones, it was that they felt awkward and needed to hide behind something. I'm now sometimes catching myself just standing there feeling even more awkward than before. That's a good thing even though it sounds negative, eventually I'll learn how to do something better.

Here's a bonus physical/emotional thing: I love when people call me Layla. Like I want to be talked to or noticed just because I want to hear people use my name as opposed to when I wanted to be invisible just because I knew they'd use my name and I just felt rage, sadness or insecurity just by hearing it

     I wrote all that to set up my reason for thinking about the stuff I am thinking about right now, I have been falling into a shell of depression lately even though I've come so far. I'm trying to dissect this and fight it but I can't quite get out of it. It's similar to when you're half asleep but trying to be wide awake and alert. It's not as powerful as before but seems to linger longer with me.

I'm trying though...I promise.

Inspired Thoughts

     Where am I? Where was I? Those are very similar questions but with such drastic different answers.

So recently I ran into a hockey player from my favorite team in a nearby mall and the circumstances made me think hard about something. My cousin was going to drop me off to get my phone fixed and I had planned to have another friend pick me up at least 4 hours later, something I didn't want to do very much but it was my only choice.

So I start getting out of his car and he, at the last second, decides he'll go in with me.Cool with me, I was gonna be bored for most of that time. He said if it was gonna be less than like an hourish, he'd stay and it turned out to be an hour; he decided to stay so I didn't have to stay another 3 hours after that and we walked around.

So we're walking around and talking about our plans for the summer and other progressive plans; I look next to me at him and over his head I saw a tall man with red hair. For a second I think, "wow that guy's tall...WAIT!" And it hits me...that's Jake Voracek of the Flyers. Jake freakin Voracek!

I kinda hinted to him that I'd like to fangirl out and get a picture, which he was fine with, and we took a few pictures. I told him good luck than proceeded to freak out to my cousin about how awesome that was.

     So the fact that I just got to meet and talk to a player on my favorite team was beyond cool but my cousin brought up this thought, if he wasn't there I would have seen Voracek and gone crazy...I would have had no phone to capture that moment with.

     He was so right and how lucky was I that he decided just to stay and walk around with me, THEN I said, "Wow...what if we stopped to get gas? This entire random lucky chance would not have happened." And we kinda took a moment to think about how EVERYTHING worked out for meeting to occur. If I didn't make the appointment that exact day, I wouldn't have been at the mall that day, if my cousin picked me up a half hour earlier (like he was planning to at one point) no Jake sighting, if I went to the bathroom like I was going to when we first walked in... that moment doesn't happen.

    This has been a kinda theme in my life lately and while it goes both for the good and for the not so good, I'm trying to remember the things that have been great additions to my life in these kinds of
ways. There was one clear defining moment in my life that had I not decided to take a stand, I would have never lived near the church I go to and I never would have met all the friends I know and love dearly now.

It's kind of insane to think about all the good that came from me moving to Riverside, NJ and what I'd miss out on without that one moment; that one time I refused to go live with my mom and her boyfriend when they were moving and when I refused to go live with the rotting scumbag that donated sperm to create me. I wasn't usually the kind of kid to say something like that exactly but that one moment defined the rest of my life.

     I say all this to myself to fight all the negativity that I hold onto so tightly, I am a mess and have been a screw up more than not BUT I have made it this far and not by accident. I don't know why I'm still here but I am sitting here typing this right now, I'm still here to feel pain daily over losing my Uncle Mike and over never having a 'dad' and other things that have sucked...but I made it through all of that and a lot more. I made it.

     If I made it, you can make it too. You  really can. And not only can you but you can have an awesome story to tell someone else and maybe you can tell someone your story and inspire them to keep going. If we can make it this far, far enough to be reading what I'm typing...if we can get to tomorrow together as friends or family or strangers who need each other, then we can seriously make something great happen for ourselves and for someone else.

     I don't like to use foul language much but here's the bottom line, This world is fucked up and will not stop fucking you up if you let it even a little bit. You and me and your friends and my friends can decide to make something good happen. Let's spread the hope instead of letting this world spread negativity.

Side note:
Thank you so much for reading this blog, there have been times where I was planning on giving up and I truly thank you all for reading and helping give me the inspiration to keep going and thinking there might be something positive to strive for. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thoughts, Lists and Post Event Blues

     So...my Monster Mania experience was cut slightly short and it's all over now...what am I supposed to do now? No really, tell me; I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get to next week and the week after.

It's hard for me to get motivated to get through the hour and the day and the week so I try to give myself little goals that usually work when I have something to look forward to that's within some kind of reach.

Right now I have a wedding I'm in this April, the August Monster Mania to look forward to and those are pretty cool (although each has a downside that kinda makes them a little bittersweet in a small way) but they seem so out of reach during this very hour. I'm not good at saying, "Well next year my tax money will come and I'll be able to legally change my name...I just gotta wait til then...312 days away...that's all..."  It might as well be twenty six years away, that's how I feel today.

So I am trying to calm myself down (hormones are NOT helping this part of me) and find little things to prize myself with in the meantime. One thing I like to do is come up with lists, sometimes silly ones like:

What's the sweatiest movie? (Stole this from the first episode of Cheers)
1. Rocky 4
2. Rambo 3
3. Ben Hur
4. Cool Hand Luke

And others help me figure out what I have to do like:

What future plans am I passionate about?
1. acting
2. writing/script writing
3. drawing
4. photography
5. Trans issues and politics
6. hockey/Flyers hockey
7. pretty things/making things pretty

And some are for organization:

What are my future goals?
1. To legally change my name
2. Travelling
3. writing a script or book
4. Work on breaking things that cause anxiety and depression
5. Surgeries and laser hair removal
6. working out/eating better
7. inventing something








     These things help the fact that I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I'm trying to fight any of the negativity that comes with loneliness. If you pray, pray for that. Thanks.

A Weekend I'll Never Forget

     So this has been quite the weekend. Emotions were flying and things were absolutely great and really annoying at times and gut busting funny at other times and really sad at times. Where should I start?

     Okay I'll start at the beginning, since you said so.
Thursday was painfully slow but I made it through work and I felt such a relief exhale as I left work, knowing I had FIVE days off after that.  Friday morning came and my friends Nick, Mike and I  went to eat before going to Monster Mania. It was great to spend some time around friends I haven't seen in a while and things seemed to work out for us as we got closer to time to go get our wrist bands for everything.

I kinda made the plan for when we'd get there and because I'm ridiculously early to things, I got us there a while early and we had to kill some time. We did and finally the time came that the event opened up.

     SO before going there, I split up with my group and met up with another friend, Lauren. And this is where things went from exciting to mind blowing. My friend, who has been a humongous support system and she's one of the few people who I truly see as family (in a way that doesn't hurt me), gave me directions to the office she works in and I went there.

Once there, she helped me do my makeup for the first time ever. It was such an emotional experience I could barely contain it all. I got dressed up and discovered that I apparently really like the color fuscia in the process.

          Years ago I bought a pair of high heels, they happened to be fuscia. Then a while later, I found a dress online that I liked and bought it...fuscia. the bra I used was guess what color and the lipstick was the same. None of that was intentional, I just happened to find these things and get them while I was able. I have very little by way of feminine clothes and I've been so afraid to walk into a store and buy things like underwear and dresses so I mostly have been buying stuff online.

Aaaaanyway, Laur helped me get ready and showed me some tips on makeup and I had to hold back tears when I was done. I was so excited and she did such a great job and I was actually going to walk around as Layla. It was so full of emotions before even getting there. We left and went to the hotel (where Monster Mania takes place) and I walked through the front door in my high heels, wearing a pink dress and looking unrecognizable.

     It felt so amazing to walk around as Layla in public, although I learned pretty quickly that the heels I own are too small. But it was worth the pain , as I felt so comfortable being treated the way I feel inside. Spoiler: overall two guys checked me out and that was proof that Lauren's makeup job was perfect. By the way, I'm not gay so I didn't want to be hit on by guys so don't think that has changed; it was only a good thing because my makeup looked real and good...and real good.

     The best part of my entrance was awesome, so I went there with two friends, Mike and Nick. Nick was waiting to pay for food but Mike walked toward me. I was sitting down, charging my phone and I looked right at him as he walked closer. He walked past me, like one foot foot away from me and didn't say anything. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me as a joke or something. I waited a minute or two and stood up, put my heels back on and walked toward where he was. I got close enough to almost be face to face and said, "Hey Mike."

He was in shock and then he said, "Is that you?!" His face was first in awe of realizing who I was and then just laughing. One of my good Friends, who came with me to go there and who knows me very well, didn't realize it was me EVEN when I was right in front of him. IT.WAS.AWESOME.

And after the shock and hilarity wore off, he told me he was proud of me and he supports me; that meant a lot to me.

     I passed by a good amount of friends who I know that didn't recognize me even though I was very close and again that was great proof that my makeup was well done. I loved that. After a while there was a VIP party and it was the most disappointing one I've ever been to. The only good thing was getting to hang out with all 3 of my groups at once for a little bit.

     We left early and I got to say hi to the IT kids (Chosen Jacob, Jaeden Lieberher, Wyatt Oleff, Sophia Lillis and Jeremy Ray Taylor) as they went in, we went back to the hotel and I got cleaned up and we had a blast hanging out; staying up till like 5am. 

Saturday: I don't want to get into the negative stuff because I have a very high respect level for Dave Hagan and the rest of the Monster Mania crew so I'm gonna leave it at this one day, things were not all great.  The one great part was getting to meet an actor who played a large role in my favorite movie of all time.

I got inside and went immediately to the table where Richard Refuse was supposed to be signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, he was on a lunch break and I happily waited there. He got back and was talking about some things that happened on the set of Jaws. JAWS! The very first movie I ever watched...EVER.
He offered me a coke, which I took humbly and then he looked at a staff member behind him and asked if there was a 7/11 nearby. He then told everyone in line that he's buying if anyone wanted anything from 7/11. I was blown away, making sure to keep the coke can he personally gave me.

     So I stepped up when he was ready and I got a laser disc of Jaws signed and then took a picture with him. It was awesome and he was very nice. Just as he was about to go to the next person, I got to tell him Jaws was the first movie I ever watched and it's been my favorite ever since. I thanked him and shook his hand. It was really great to get that chance.

     After all is said and done, I had a decent time and absolutely loved walking around feeling comfortable and less pressure then anywhere else. It was a weekend I'll never forget. It was Layla's first public appearance ever. I gotta send a special thanks to My friends, Lauren, Nick, Mike, my cousin Ryan, my cousin Sean and his fiancee Josie and everyone else who I met or interacted with this weekend. I am so happy I got this chance and can hardly wait to do something like that again soon. <3

Something I'm Thinking About

     So I'm a few days away from going to a horror convention called Monster Mania, there are going to be some great actors there (Richard Dreyfus, Tim Curry, Sean Astin to name a few) and I'm going with a bunch of friends and I AM EXCITED! Everything's paid for and taken care of, I don't think I'll have any problems from the human I used to date and I'm even dressing up for at least one day (as Layla). It's going to be great.


All of this is making me think about something very good. The future.

I don't mean, "My future is prepared and I know everything's going to be great." I mean the fact that I think about the future in a way I didn't much before. And anyone who knows about a suicidal person knows they don't actually think about the future, not realistically or happily at least.

For a little while now, the future has been something less hazy and fake to me and more real and dealable (...you know I make up words, deal with it). That's a huge step for me.

     So much of my life, I imagined what people would do when I die or I'd picture how the world would be after me or without me. I never pictured me in a future of  earth and I'm not saying I'm completely better now but I am saying I picture myself in my own imaginations of the future.

It's not the future I thought I'd ever be a able to be part of or that most people agree with but it's something. The gravity of this thought is beyond huge for me, the magnitude may just explode my brain at some point...which would ruin the future I want...I may have to avoid head explosion.

     Well on the subject of the future, I've been asked some personal questions about my transition and I've always said something close to, "I want to do what's safe and possible." Take a guess what the questions involve. Now, I invite personal questions; I'm not very shy about pretty much anything in my life. But the point here is people asking has me thinking about my future in that regard.

     There are two parts to my answer to this question (if I want to have full reassignment surgery, for those of you who didn't figure it out)

1. I want to do what is in my capabilities both financially and emotionally. I do want to become the best and most complete woman I am able to (you don't have to say it, I know I can never be an actual woman. That's why I said the best I CAN be)  My future plans are to do the most I can to present and identify as a female, that does also include genitalia.

I have made a choice not to participate in relationships ever because of things like my values so sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to go through my transition but I'm not sad to say goodbye to sex as a male, it's never been anything more than a good feeling. That doesn't change the fact that I'm strictly only attracted to women though.

2. While I want to be safe and I want to give the diplomatic answer of "I'm gonna do what's safe and what's best..." blah blah blah but here's the biased and opinionated answer: I want to be as feminine as I can possibly be. I want to experience female orgasms and use the bathroom the way I would if I was born with female plumbing and I want to be able to sit in a ladylike fashion. These are all things I think about beyond the safety and diplomacy that I know I need to think about.

   

          The main thing about these things is that I am looking at the future with hope and a feeling of possibilities, something I hated even considering for so long. I hope if anyone can relate to this reads my words and takes away the fact that if I can be hopeful about the future, anyone can.

PS: I'm posting this with photos of snow because we were absolutely obliterated by a snow storm today and I took a few pictures from my room. The blizzard of March 2018...enjoy

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Anxiety, Birthdays and Positivie Thinking

     Hello, again. Thank you for visiting this blog, I will be your tour guide through the mind of Layla Lee Gilmore. Please hold any questions for the comments section and we must insist, no eating while in her brain. Crumbs may affect brain cells. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

     Alright so I'm gonna jump right in, I've been dealing with anxiety at very high levels lately. Very. High. It's becoming very hard to keep my emotions under control and mainly in certain areas mentally. I've been able to handle things like being patient with people who are not accepting of my transition or when it comes to waiting for the train to come but when it comes to things like me wanting to perform a certain act and unable to do it in the time I need to. or if I have to leave work and my coworker is late, those situations have become so much worse emotionally.

     I'll give you an example of something that has really been draining emotionally for me:
I was at work, I'm a cashier, and a person I used to know came in. Now the last time I saw this person, I was being yelled at threatened and had to call the police to assess the situation; said person came in and got what they needed to get.

In my mind, I went through a thousand different scenarios of what was going to happen when they got in line.The person was polite and said hello, which I wasn't expecting, then I did my job and was polite back. This whole thing took about 9 minutes from the moment they walked in till the moment they left and afterward I felt like I had run a marathon.

     My emotions in that situation (or non situation) just blew me away at how my overthinking and over...fearing, I guess you could call it were so  encompassing that I physically felt drained. Not exactly like the same as running a marathon but draining nonetheless. I've hit a few situations like this that have drained me more lately than in a long while.

Michael Patrick Bossler

     And now for birthdays...oh birthday, how you never want to leave me alone. I am not a fan of my birthday and I don;rt know how to deal with it or come to terms with it. To explain that, my uncle Mike never missed my birthday, not when I had nowhere to live or when I was at my biological father's or when I was at Bible college. No matter what was going on he called me or visited and I counted on that, he was the only reason so many times that I even cared about celebrating my birthday.

All that ended in November of 2012, he took his life and with it he took a giant piece of my heart. The last serious attempt to take my own life was the birthday after that and I created a short film depicting that night
(trigger warning: suicidal issues confronted in this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQfpNVVl7gE

     Anyway, ever since November of 2012, I hurt the most during my recognized day of birth and it seems to be harder each year. I remember a time when I had been sleeping in a baseball field in Camden for a few weeks, things were really bad and I barely had any food to eat throughout that whole and on my bd, he got in touch with me and sent me some money. It wasn't about the money that made me feel so much better, it was that he cared enough to find me and he wanted to help.

And on my bd in 2013, my friends tried to do something nice and people tried to say something on facebook and that was very nice but I needed to hear from the only person who has ever made the word 'family' not feel horrible...the only person I couldn't hear from.

   To this day, it hurts to go through that day every year and I don't even know how to pretend to be okay on that day. I guess that's one of my dark days. My uncle's passing anniversary is another and his birthday is although I'm trying to make that a good one. So if you know me and want to do something for my bd, here's steps to actually be positive:

1. Do not leave a comment about  the day I was born on my birth anniversary. You can feel good about yourself while hurting me at the same time or you could just not.

2. Pick a random day in the summer and do something nice like draw me a picture or buy me a piece of cake but don't say why. The summer is a long and at times grueling season for me and I'm sure I'll forget I wrote this by then so I won't be affected in this way if you do something nice for me. DO NOT SAY HAPPY B******Y TO ME THOUGH.

3. I love chocolate chip cookies or strawberry flavored cake...or limes if you want to be a little healthier. Also I don't want to sound like I expect or deserve things that take your money, seriously the most meaningful things I own and hold onto are things that took way more thought than money. I have a friend who made me a poster by gluing crayons to a canvas and used a blow dryer to melt them in a rainbow. I will never choose to get rid of that ever. It took thought to make something for me and that is more valuable than anything she could have  bought me.

     And finally, I have been trying a lot more to be positive in my thinking. I've been working on being grateful for specifically small and daily things that I have made a habit of ignoring because my life sucks.

Every morning I've been reminding myself of the good things that happen to me and I've been praying thankful prayers for those things and for the people in my life that mean something to me. Doing this has had a small but noticeable affect on my moods at times and I hope to make this more of a routine than I ever did before. I've put a lot of negativity on God and whether I'm right or wrong, I am trying to take all of that off Him and just focus on the thankfulness I should have. I want positivity to be a stronger force than depression

Thank you for reading and make sure you please deposit any trash in the waste basket that on your way out. Hope you enjoyed the tour