Impatience Abounds

     So...I have told all my closest friends and all the people I think deserve to know what I've been dealing with for most or all of my life. I sat down with or messaged (those who I couldn't sit down with) and told them that I'm trans, I told them I've been delaing with it since I was young enough to think for myself and that my choice for my life is to transition from male to identifying as female.

(Disclaimer: I know I will never be a genetic female and I don't expect anyone to change anything about their life. It is my choice and I will respect if no one ever refers to me as a female or uses feminine pronouns when referring to me. But on the other hand, I am a person who is trying his/her hardest to live a life I want to actually live. I've been suicidal since I was under 10 and for the first time, I don't wake up every morning wishing a truck would veer off the road and take me out so before you try to mic drop me or [rudely] use masculine pronouns just to hurt me know that you're tipping the scale toward suicide wayy more than you are holding some truth you believe in.)

     So anyway, I told everyone that I think deserves to be told perosnally and now I'm waiting to start my transition. And let me just say, it is SOOOO HARD to wait for something you have dreamt of and thought about nonstop since you were like 4!! The worst part is I'm waiting for a cardiologist to say my heart is okay and then I can start. AND I hav ethe estrogen pills in my possession; I have for months now. Which means I've been sitting on them and waiting...and waiting...and waiting... (I think you get my point)...and waiting...

Now I'm coming up to my appointment at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia (the greatest city in the world) and I'm hoping and praying that all goes well. The best case scenario is that I'll be ab;e to start hormones then and physically begin my transition based on my appointment two days before that with my cardiologist. I'm both excited about the possibility of starting my physical transition from Vincent to Layla and scared that they'll tel me I can't transition for some medical reason. But either way, I'm going crazy right now because I'm stuck waiting for any answer.

     And it's funny because passing is a very important part of my future so I'm impatiently hoping to get started asap. Passing as female is important because I've seen many people who do not pass and they deal with looks and being talked about pretty much every time they go anywhere public and I do not want that. I want to just go about my life and dress how I feel comfortable and do things and go to departments in stores that I feel comfortable and talk about the things I enjoy and not be stared at all the time.
I've been made fun and talked about and made to feel awkward a lot in my life already and I would ideally like to not go through that anymore.

I even had a friend who does not agree with my choice to transition didn't think I was going to go through with it because she hasn't seen me wear feminie clothes or hasn't seen any physical changes in me yet.

I'm ready to take on the challenges of people askig questions and the challenge of firends seeing my body changing and the challenge of standing up in public and embracing who and what I truly am; again with the hope oflooking even close to the way I fele on the inside.

     Ok so my final thought is about my name. When I was looking for a name to represent me as an identifying female, I went through so many names I can't count them and came to a few I really liked. One that I wanted as my first name was Jade, it's unique and sounds very quirky in a way, another was Layla. I liked them a lot and eventually started going by Layla Jade. My last name is very important, I will admit it is heavily influenced by my favorite tv show: I am a Gilmore Girl at heart so Gilmore is THE name.  SO I recently decided since I am very clse to legally changing my name, I want to make sure it's the right name for me and decided to change the middle name to Lee; it goes well and I truly love the sound of Layla Lee Gilmore. For the firs ttime in my entire life, I love hearing my own name. So as I get closer to legally changing my name, I will change it to Layla Lee Gimore and have no regrets as I start a new chapter in my life.

Positivity or Something Like it

     So I know this blog/diary makes me sound like I'm walking around with constant and undying bitterness and hatred but I'm not like that most of the time. In fact, one thing I like about my personality is my ability to be sympathetic or caring when I see others having a tough time. Even those who I'm not fond of or flat out don't like can gain my empathy by having a bad day.

     I'm saying all this because I want to try. By try I mean I want to try to be more positive in life and try to focus on the positive things and people who enter my life and I want to try to put my energy into pushing inspiration instead of only gaining sympathythrough my struggles. This doesn't mean I'll stop letting at least some of the darkness that I need to let out but it doesn mean I want to make some positive things more clear and try to focus on those more and more.

     So this is where I let out some of the dark things in my mind first:
Right now, suicide is a very hard thing to ignore. I know that sucks to read, it sucks to have to type it but it is the truth. Recently, I was waiting for the train to come and as it got closer I kept imagining jumping in front of it. I thought, 'Would I feel it? Would it take long to finish me? What would people there do?' and more thoughts along those lines.

I'm not proud of that fact but it's been very strong lately and I feel more and more worthless as I need more help; it's a circle of negativity: the more I need help, the less I feel worth anything and that makes me need more help.

I think this is so strong right now because I've been getting hit my overwhelming big things one after another and I can't seem to get my head above water before getting hit by another big life thing. It's been emotional stuff, it's been monetary and it's been loneliness things that have been hitting me. One of the hardest parts of pretty much everything lately is that there is no physical enemy to blame or be angry at (besides me, of course) It's not like a bully has been stealing my lunch money, it's like my bike broke and I lost my keys. I have no one to blame or aim my anger at so I'm just stuck sitting there being angrier and angrier...at no one.

This, coupled with the heaviness of the things that have ge tto me most have led me to deeper depression and anxiety, which guides me toward the thought that ending my life is better than living this life out. Again let me say, I'm not proud ofg this line of thinking but if I keep it all in my own head and don't honestly let it out, I will be much more likely to follow through with it. Please pray for me in this area if you pray and if not, sned a kind message or write me a letter or something.

     That's pretty heavy, right? I know, I know. So there's that and now I want to share some positive thoughts, things inspired by friends and other areas of life.

Okay, I want to start off by saying that as bad as things sound on here, my friends have pretty much all been greater and greater than I deserve.
And I'm not saying that to put myself down, I'm saying that my firends have really truly been supportive (not necessarily of what choices I'm making but of my well being overall) and have helped where they can. I really can't  find enough words to express my thankfulness, like really really. (Great literacy there, I know. I word really good.) I hope that explains thoroughly how I feel about my friends.

I'm not going to name any specific friends because I would leave someone out accidentally and that would be an injustice to those friends so I'll just say this: You know who you are and I love you for who you are.

Inspiration:

     Inspiration is one of the greatest riches you can possess in the world today, it's far more important than gold or riches. Second to that would be respect for the most part and a person possessing these two traits can change the world.
Though I regularly see people being rude, self centered and ignorant (as a cashier), I also see people who are respectful, kind and thoughtful and those people change someone's entire with even the smallest gesture. I try to be that person who makes someone's bad day a little better than before.

Fan, You're About to Get Hit

    As I look around my world,  I feel that

"How did I get here? 

I'm not actually here, am I" 

kind of feel. Life keeps going and days rmble on like a boulder rolling down a small unimpressive hill; the ironic thing is every day seems to drag on forever but at the end of it, it feels like seconds ago I was just waking up and then in a heartbeat, it's four days later. I often see time as a haze of interesting things and boring empty days of the week and terrible vengefully bad days...and a few solid good times too, said I reluctantly. 

     This is as poetic as I will get, I promise. The cold hard thruth is I often just want the day to end and it never seems to make anything better when it does. Ya know that thought, "Tomorrow is a new day. Just as long as THIS day is over." well that thought is my refuge from my black cloud of a life but it doesn't restart anything. The same bad stuff, negative thoughts, unending bad luck and awkward attempts at being less than bitter/sad happen; I do have good times and I do have some good luck but the ratio kills me. 

 The example of my luck I think of regularly is:

     Living the life I do, getting a great deal on a tractor trailer 

would be really great...but will do nothing for me at all. 

So while it could be a blessing, it's not to me. At all.

     I don't try to ignore blessings and good things, I really dont. Every time  something good comes along that isn't helpful, I try very very hard to take the menaing behind it or extract the heart it came from or even just accept it graciously. And I know this is going to sound very bad to people who believe in God's love but everyday I believe less and less that he loves me...likes me...cares at all...isn't making fun of me or putting me in situations where I will lose. 

     I understand the principle of recieving things, being gracious with small things could lead to getting greater things. But here's how it feels to me:

God: Hey there...you.

Me: Umm, Hi. I need some help.

God: Oh? oh, yeah. I know that...everyone needs help. What do you need?

Me: Well, I need some love and a lot of money. Well a lot to me, enough to cover rent and eat and buy the things I need. And I need a way to make my head better, I'm kinda messed up from birth and it doesn't get better when stress only gets stronger every single day, I could use some kind of break from that, maybe something to restart my battery. 

God: Ah. Yeah...yeah, I see what you mean. SO you need money to live andsomeone to love you and accept you and you need things? That's not too much for ME. 

*God reaches down*

Me: Well thank you...umm, I don't want to sound disrespectful...but this is a nickel. I appreciate it...but I need $500.00 a month just for rent and I make enough to cover that...but I need to eat and, like, do things all the time.

God: Be thankful for what you have.

Me: My bike just broke, a nickel won't pay for that.

God: So you aren't gracious?

Me: Umm...I am gracious but the gift isn't enough. and while I was just thinking about that, my pants ripped, I lost my hat and gloves, I got sick and the otehr day I nearly killed myself because it's just too overwhelming for me...ca I get some more help? Please?

*God reaches down again*

Me: Is this a pen? It's...it's a nice pen but this solves literally nothing. In fact now I have to take care of this expensive looking pen. AND while I was sitting here, I got evicted from where I was living and I accidentally insulted someone I didn't even intend to speak to and now my job is on thin ice. That adds a ton of more stress that I couldn't handle before...how does this help?

*God reches down, this time with a little annoyance*

Me: Well thank you. Thank you for the one free meal. I really appreciate that.

Me: But what about my bike? Or my living situation? And I know I've been denying this for, well, all my life but I need to be honest with everyone about my gender issues.

God: I've taken care of all that.

Me: Really??

God: No, but I did make you think I did for a little bit. Are you stress free now? For a few minutes, you didn't have those life affecting, heavy, potentially dark things to think about. You're welcome.

Me: WHAT ON EARTH!!! BUT NOTHING CHANGED AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT DARK STUFF! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME IN A REAL WAY??

God: I lifted all those problems to let you recharge your battery.

Me: But you didn't actually change anything. I still need all those things AND NOW I've been accused of stealing money that I didn't steal at work so thats's EVEN MORE STRESS!

God: You are ungreatful, I'm going to punish you by taking your favorite sport away from you and pushing your friends away from you for a time. Oh and your still you so...punishment.

Me: And I can't end myself?

God: Nope, that would be wrong.

Me: So can I get some kind of REAL reward for NOT ending myself?

God: You're alive, that's reward enough.

Me: Umm...screw you!

God: . . .

Me: And my ONE family member that means anything to me just moved away...that's just great...can you replace that void in my life?

God: . . .

Me: And NOW I might have a heart condition. Great, thanks...I really needed that in my life. Oh and as much as I want to be angry anout everything, I gotta say thank you for the bike you found a way to get me.

God: . . .

Me: So...today I saw someone else do something really good. It helped a very little. Thanks. Umm...but I still have no friends around or a place to call my own...or enough money to eat food that's god for me...and I am still in need of serious mental help...and I may have a bad heart...and that bike just broke too. Sooo...little help? I was thankful, so that's something...right?

God: . . .

Me: Umm...God? It's me...the transgendered, hurting, empty, lonely, poor, suicidal individual that needs a lot of help.

God: . . .

Me: Welp...I'll be here slowly drowning in my own filth of a life if you need me...I'll accept pretty much anything at this point...You know I was ignored all through highschool and it makes me hateful to be constantly ignored, like I can't even help that. ou would know, you put me in that awful school with tose awful people and gave me no support through family or friends or any hope that anything would get any better...just saying...as I drown slowly...

God: You're ungreatful. PUNISHMENT!

Me: At THIS point...whatever. Punish me. Whther I try to do good or bad, I get the floor taken from me the exact second I feel comfortable. Every.Damn. Time.

God: . . .

Me: Great...ignored...again...Good thing nothing has gotten better, cause if not this might be bad psychologically.

Me: Ok...things got worse.

Me: Not even kidding...things are like scary bad right now. I'm not asking for like a lot, just SOMETHING.

Me: Fuck me.

God: You don't believe I love you. Punishment, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Me: Are you kidding me?! So I have to be flawless to get any help? By the way...tonight I nearly died. It's only because I didn't want to hurt my friends that I didn't.

     Okay, I could go on a lot more but I think this thoroughly serves the purpose of expressing how I feel. I want to believe things are not this way and I want to have hope that things will get better, I really do. I know I've gotten through some crazy times and made it out but the tank is near empty and I am running out of ways to beg strangers and friends for help; they're getting a little tired of it too. To the credit and amazing care of my friends, I cannot thank each and every one of them enough. To the friends who have spent time talking to me or letting me rant to the friends who have sent me things to the many many rides and rooms they've offered to the friends who have spent their energy on me...I thank you from the bottom of my slwoly draining heart. You're the only reason I'm still here right now to type this very diary entry.

Late Night Rant

     So I've been having trouble putting my thought into words for a while now but I'm trying to get back into it. It's really therapeutic for me to get stuff out of my head and onto a virtual notepad. Over the last month I have bene so busy between moving (4 times since November, yeah...you read that right) and stress from all directions, I have really gotten myself stuck in my own head.

     So I want to get some of the issues and thoughts out of my 'sometimes steel trap of negativity' of a mind and try to work from here. so...

     Well the first and most stressful thing I have been dealing with is the pausing of my transition and recent kinda inability to talk about it to many people. I know that is a lot to toss out so I'll unravel it and explain each layer:

* My transition started seemingly too easy, I got into my clinic and things were moving along pretty quickly...until...I had an EKG done and my Dr saw something worrying. She instructed me to see a cardiologist, which took over a month to find and see. Breaking this down even further, I misunderstood my Dr and thought I could start taking hormones, then I found out I shouldn't have and stopped. That was devistating at the time because I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford a cardiologist. For a few weeks, I really barely held on to any kind of hope of anything ever being even okay. Depression made it hard to do anything and I thought I wasn't going to be able to transition, which terrifies me.

I finally opened up to everyone that matters to me and have been doing little things that I want to lead to me fully and completely transitioning from male to identifying as female. (For anyone who disagrees with this decision, I know I am not going to ever be a true female and I don't have any delusions that this move will be as satisfying as the imagination I have about transitioning but I am doing as much as I can to make myself as comfortable as possible in the little bit of life I have left here on earth.

* Lately, I haven't really had many people to talk to about specifically my transition. I have many people to talk to but between the holiday busyness and my friends all kinda having major things going on in their lives, it's been hard to catch some of them and the ones who have been free arenb't okay with this so I don't bring it up to those.

* And finally, the thing that seems to remind me it exists whenever I try to get any success started: Depression. 

Depression has caused me to skip things I would have enjoyed, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas time of year. The reason I haven't been able to put thoughts together to write in this for a while is the same reason I backed out of plans a few times and the same reason I would rather peel my eyelids off than talk on the phone to anyone. Depression/anxiety has such a strong hold on me at times. I'm still trying to figure a way to beat that...

     So all of that has made it hard to acknowledge the god things that have happened in the last few weeks, which I need to remind myself that amid the darkness of all of that I do have things to look at and be greatful for.

My friend, one of my longest and most important friendships in a way, did something I could not be more humbled by. She gave me a computer to use, she heard mine broke and sent me one she had and wasn't using. She absolutely blew me away with her generosity and willingness to help.
And two frineds from my high school years have reached out to me lately and in their own way have made me feel honored to have them as friends.

One who I never really talked to in school (I was friends with her brothers) spent some time with me and is always there for me when I need someone to text. I hope to get more time to hang out with her and be a help to her even half as much as she is a great friend to me.

Another friend who was very very important to me in highschool happened to see me a few weeks ago in a mall, he asked if it was me he saw ansd we got to talking; I shared what I've been going through in life (being trans) and he is just as a great a friend now as he was back then.

---A quick summary of why I say he's such an important part of my
life: In school I was about the leas tpopular kid, even my closest friends never really had my back. This particular friend was cool with pretty much everyone and could have been like my other firends, he could have let me get made fun of or just walked away when I needed help but he didn't. There were a few times he gave me credit for things or stood up for me. He didn't know at the time but there was one specific time when I had lans to end myself that day, I was so lonely and was being made fun of by someone who I still have trouble not hating...this kid followed me home from school threatening to beat me up the whole way.

Well, the day I was planning to end it all, this friend stuck up for me and didn't care if it made him les popular or whatever, he did the right thing. Him doing that, stopped me from committing suicide...like literally he saved my life and didn't even know it.

So hearing from him recently and knowing he offered his support if/when I need it because he learned what I am...well, there is no greater honor between friends. These friends have all touched me in a time when I've been really down, not exactly my lowest point in life but definately great timing.

OHHH! And another thing I am really happy about is two of my best friends are getting married; they've asled me to be a bridesmaid!! I can't express how much I love that! I'm so excited to be a part of their big day!!

     Ok...I need to get some sleep and gear up to take on tomorrow. Any prayers are appreciated and a kind word or act goes a long way so remember it doesn't take much to make someone's day better or much worse. Keep that in mind and. . .

2017 Year in Review

     So, it's 2018. It feels like a few minutes ago it was 2003 and a day before that it was 1997. I remember when we were all scared of Y2K, it was gonna destroy everything as we knew it...umm...oops.

Ok so I want to review the past 365 days and lay out my plans for this year.

Pros:

     In 2017, I opened up to a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off me in so many ways. It's been interesting teloling people the truth about me and seeing how many people are willing to at least hear my side of this and deal with it with me.

And the friends who are supportive have been beyond amazing, heliing me with little things and just lending an ear or eyes for the ones I text regularly.

Another pro from 2017 is the new experiences I endeavored. I've been to the New Jersey Devils arena twice this year, walked across a few bridges and even rode my bike across the Walt Whitman Bridge twice.

I've also been trying to take the initiative in daily life and learn when to speak up and when to let things go...I'm trying at least, not exactly great at that. I'm working on making me a better, happier person and respecting others while doing it.

I invested a little bit in crypto-currency and I'm enjoying learning how it all works and learning how to make educated guesses with my money.

Cons: 
     This year has been a very trying year in terms of  me fighting through stumbling blocks, specifically for my transition. In early 2017, my road to becoming Layla seemed easy enough.

Things were coming together kinda quickly and without much in the way: I got into a clinic in December of 2016 and have been there for a few appointments in 2017, things seemed to be going smoothly...until about mid 2017.

They did an EKG and something was off just by enough for my Dr there to be cautious and want me to see a cardiologist. At the time, I didn't have health insurance so I couldn't do that. It became SO hard to even get up in the morning. In December of 2017, I got a second EKG and things were better but still not good enough. The thought of not being able to transition is unbearable and that's what I've been thinking for months.

Depression has been strong for most of the year too. I did miss out on a few oppurtunities because depression got to me. Suicide has been more of a thought in the last 3 or 4 months than it has in a while.

     Plans for the future:

I want to focus on 3 things this year and really invest in these.

1. feminization. With my tax money, I am buying a laser hair removal machine and I am determined to learn as mucvh as I can about makeup. Weight loss is going to be a prority too; I want to do all I can to put myself ahead of my chrosomes. I also want to become more educated in transgendersim and even find ways to give back to that community in some way.

2. I want to travel and challenge myself t0o try new things. Whether it's a food I've never tried before or go somewhere I haven't been. See movies I haven't seen before and challenge myself in daily life in small ways.

3. Investing. I bought a very little bit of botcoin, litecoin and ethereum and I want to dive into stocks in 2018. My goal is to learn about trading, investing in real stocks and crypto-currency in the first half of the year and invest shortly after that. I think this is about the smartest way to make money on the side in this day and age and I need to take full advantage of this chance now.





This is as close as I'll get to a resolution, enjoy.

Goals

     So...where was I last time? OH!...yeah...the swelling everything. My hands, face, feet and swollen unhappy life. So that's not completely gone but it's not nearly as scary now. I still have som,e itching but overall, it's getting better.

     Usually I talk about things that are going on in life and explain whether they're helpful or horrible or whatever. But things I want are on my mind right now and I want to capitalize whenever I am focused in a positive way or on posisitve things so here I go.

     So I have a bunch of things I am thinking about either doing or getting that are currently at the top of my desire list:
   *Cosmetics, cosmetics, cosmetics - Makeup and things that can help change my appearance has been something I want to learn about and master. I have been playing a very little with things like eye shadow and blush that reforms my eyes and that is really fascinating but I am looking to learn more about foundation and concealer.

Another thing I really want us laser hair removal. I have always hated face and neck hair and even if I want transitioning, if still want to get rid of that forever. I don't personally like the hairy look on me or anyone else (not that I'll criticize anyone else, that's just my preference. I don't think it's bad, I just don't like it)

     *A new computer!
I do so badly need a computer to be able to working on videos and edit photos and really to do anything in this day. I'm going to need it to do taxes and check stuff online or use a lot of sites without the absolute annoyance of mobile versions of sites. And to make things really dreadfully bad, when I move I need something, some kind of sounds I can put on to not live in silence. Silence is truly one of the biggest tortures for me personally, I don't know if I could survive with nothing at all to help that.

     *Travel
My cousin and I have been talking about going somewhere for years now and we finally have a chance to actually make that a reality in 2018. Between WowAir and Air BnB, the price is right to take small trips to places like Paris, Dublin or Amsterdam.

I got my passport a few years ago and want to make use of it. The plan is to take a few small like 3-6 day trips throughout the year just to say we did it finally and eventually take bigger trips and make videos documenting my time.

     *Transition
I've already started this process so it's not exactly only a future plan but it's something I want more than almost anything. It's really important for me to be passable as a female and to be successful in this so I can finally identify the way I have always seen myself.

It's been good being able to talk openly about being trans and worrying less and less about who I speak in front of but the next step is physically doing more things that confirm it as real, even if it's just to show others or myself that this is not a dream/not fake. A few friends thought I would grow out of this one I talked it out but it's not just something I thought of on a whim, it is very real and something I'm following through with for me to even try to be okay.

     *Medical things:
There are a number of things I need to finally attend to, and since I just recently got health insurance I want to focus on them. Glasses, a check up, therapy and to find out what I can get help with as far as future cosmetic surgery... Stuff like that.

Ok so that's all for the moment, those are the most important to my current state of living.

Have a wonderful day.

Thanksgiving part 2: Aftermath

     Well, it's been just over a week since Thanksgiving and my life has been one to forget with a few blessings in between. I know it sounds like it on here but in life I really do try not to complain too much unless you catch me at that perfect time when I am at a breaking point. I try to smile even when I don't have much in me to smile about, it's hard but I really give it an honest try.

     So let's get into my past week:

So Thanksgiving was decent, I spent it with friends and their family. That was different, I'm used to some kind of sprawling fight, someone yelling at someone over the turkey and eventually the police showing up for some reason or another and the worst thing that happened this time was a few corny jokes that we all had to endure. It was really good and I appreciate their hospitality.

Later that night, talking to a friend who has been very good to me pretty much since our friendship started,got very upset with me and I inadvertently made said friend cry, which made/makes me feel like crap. It had to do with my decision to transition and I don't think it needs to be explained any further but it made me feel bad in a way.

     Throughout the week, something very strange happened. I was at work, my second to last day before a paid week off, and my hand started to itch...really badly. It felt like my bones were itching and the skin was just in the way. I tried not to scratch too much but I ended up not even noticing when I was doing it and by the end of the day my hand swelled up a little bit. 

That night it ballooned up and my fingers looked like tiny Vienna sausages glued to an egg, it still itched and was kinda numb. The next morning I had to be at work early and because it was the opening shift, I couldn't call out early. I woke up and felt intense pain in both hands. BOTH hands were swelled up twice their normal size and moving my fingers was almost impossible. NOT FUN, especially since I have to ride my bike to work and...well have you ever tried to ride a bike with no hands? Like for the entire trip? Me either and it hurt bad to hold the handles.

     Being a cashier, I have to handle money and  that was torture trying to pick up the change to give to customers and most of them were either scared or worried about me when they saw my bubble hands.

     *Side note, I have to acknowledge this one customer who is a regular. 

She came in and brought her items to the counter and smiled at me, 

I normally have a big smile and talk politely. This time I gave her a barely 

raised lip trying to smile, in so much pain I was tearing up. She returned that 

with a sad look and said something like, "Aww what's wrong? You're normally 

so cheerful and sweet." I told her and raised my hands up and she said some 

nice things like she hopes I get it taken care of and feel better. She is always 

nice and left, leaving me thankful for customers like her. A minute later 

she came back in and pulled me aside; she said she felt really bad and since 

I am always nice to her she wanted to try to make my day a little better. 

She guided me to the candy aisle and asked me what my favorite candy 

is and she bought it. Then She handed it to me and before 

I could deny it, she left. It means the world to me that someone I don't know 

personally wanted to do that small yet big gesture for me.

 

     Back to my story, so I ended up leaving work early and going to the ER. One good thing about having to go there was I found out my Insurance has gone through and I now do have health insurance. I met with a Dr and she told me it's an allergic reaction to something, no idea what though since I haven't done anything different or new. I started taking estrogen about a month ago and I am 

going to look into that but I don't think that's it because the next day my lips swelled up really bad and that happened a few years ago. And the next day I woke up to find welts or hives or whatever you call red itchy bumps all over my body. And the NEXT day I found red bumps that look like bug bites all over my wrists (this morning actually)

     This happened a few years ago when my landlord used a certain bug spray around my room and I think that's what this is too.

Besides that, I've been walking for exercise and that's been really good for me...aaand that's been my week.