Thanksgiving part 2: Aftermath

     Well, it's been just over a week since Thanksgiving and my life has been one to forget with a few blessings in between. I know it sounds like it on here but in life I really do try not to complain too much unless you catch me at that perfect time when I am at a breaking point. I try to smile even when I don't have much in me to smile about, it's hard but I really give it an honest try.

     So let's get into my past week:

So Thanksgiving was decent, I spent it with friends and their family. That was different, I'm used to some kind of sprawling fight, someone yelling at someone over the turkey and eventually the police showing up for some reason or another and the worst thing that happened this time was a few corny jokes that we all had to endure. It was really good and I appreciate their hospitality.

Later that night, talking to a friend who has been very good to me pretty much since our friendship started,got very upset with me and I inadvertently made said friend cry, which made/makes me feel like crap. It had to do with my decision to transition and I don't think it needs to be explained any further but it made me feel bad in a way.

     Throughout the week, something very strange happened. I was at work, my second to last day before a paid week off, and my hand started to itch...really badly. It felt like my bones were itching and the skin was just in the way. I tried not to scratch too much but I ended up not even noticing when I was doing it and by the end of the day my hand swelled up a little bit. 

That night it ballooned up and my fingers looked like tiny Vienna sausages glued to an egg, it still itched and was kinda numb. The next morning I had to be at work early and because it was the opening shift, I couldn't call out early. I woke up and felt intense pain in both hands. BOTH hands were swelled up twice their normal size and moving my fingers was almost impossible. NOT FUN, especially since I have to ride my bike to work and...well have you ever tried to ride a bike with no hands? Like for the entire trip? Me either and it hurt bad to hold the handles.

     Being a cashier, I have to handle money and  that was torture trying to pick up the change to give to customers and most of them were either scared or worried about me when they saw my bubble hands.

     *Side note, I have to acknowledge this one customer who is a regular. 

She came in and brought her items to the counter and smiled at me, 

I normally have a big smile and talk politely. This time I gave her a barely 

raised lip trying to smile, in so much pain I was tearing up. She returned that 

with a sad look and said something like, "Aww what's wrong? You're normally 

so cheerful and sweet." I told her and raised my hands up and she said some 

nice things like she hopes I get it taken care of and feel better. She is always 

nice and left, leaving me thankful for customers like her. A minute later 

she came back in and pulled me aside; she said she felt really bad and since 

I am always nice to her she wanted to try to make my day a little better. 

She guided me to the candy aisle and asked me what my favorite candy 

is and she bought it. Then She handed it to me and before 

I could deny it, she left. It means the world to me that someone I don't know 

personally wanted to do that small yet big gesture for me.

 

     Back to my story, so I ended up leaving work early and going to the ER. One good thing about having to go there was I found out my Insurance has gone through and I now do have health insurance. I met with a Dr and she told me it's an allergic reaction to something, no idea what though since I haven't done anything different or new. I started taking estrogen about a month ago and I am 

going to look into that but I don't think that's it because the next day my lips swelled up really bad and that happened a few years ago. And the next day I woke up to find welts or hives or whatever you call red itchy bumps all over my body. And the NEXT day I found red bumps that look like bug bites all over my wrists (this morning actually)

     This happened a few years ago when my landlord used a certain bug spray around my room and I think that's what this is too.

Besides that, I've been walking for exercise and that's been really good for me...aaand that's been my week.

Thanksgiving part 1: Before

     So...here we are...it's 2017, almost the end of another year. And maybe it's because I just finished netflix watching a tv show that kinda has always been ther efor me or amybe it's because things are changing or maybe it's just the most painful time of year for me...

     ...but either way, I'm sad.

I'm sad because of all of that, the anniversary of losing my uncle just passed, which is weird because it hits me every day so I thought it shouldn't hit me harder on a certain time.

     Anyway, I have been running on fumes for a while now and a day turns into a week and a week turns into 5 weeks and 2 months turn into a year and so on and so on till you realize you're 35 and not happy... and haven't been for a long time.

But each morning, I can't just not wake up or get up or go to work. I can't just sit in a corner till the house is torn down and be the ghost I feel like I am. So instead I put on a face, I smile and tell people they're better than whatever they are facing and I try to make this world a better place. I try to strike while the iron's hot even when the iron is in the back of the closet, the wire is old and unusable and the ironing board was sold years ago from under the iron's nose...so to speak.

But I try. Ohmygosh, do I try. I don't cry throughout entire days, I try to laugh through a lot of my pain. It worked when I went to funerals for my uncles so it's gotta work for when customers forget theyre talking to a human and treat me like garbage because I don't know the difference between their brand of cigarette and another that's so similar I can't tell the difference even after hearing the explanation...right?

Laughing and joking has to work when I wake up to remember that I've never ever felt anything but hatred that I was born the sex that I am and the wear and tear of pretending to be a typical male for so long has me considering anything to get out of doing that ever again even for a second.

And SURELY laughing has to work when you are invited to a holiday gathering by the greatest friends I could possibly ask for but all I want to do is forget that it's a holiday or that families exist,
I just want to escape into tv shows about ficticious cities in Conneticut or fictional bars in Boston or New York City. It's easier to take my empty life and the pain when I'm watching the worst psychiatrist ever listening to people or watching a doctor say things to patients that I'd LOVE to say to customers at my own job.

     ...so here I am...in 2017, almost 2018...



I am trying my hardest to acknowledge the good in my life wevcen though I'm not very good at it. This is the part where I thank God for the things He's given me.

     I want to thank God for my friends, without whom I would not be where I am. I truly do thank God as much as I can for the people He put in my path. I also am very very thankful for my cousin who is a serious light in my sometimes darkness filled life.