I'm saying all this because I want to try. By try I mean I want to try to be more positive in life and try to focus on the positive things and people who enter my life and I want to try to put my energy into pushing inspiration instead of only gaining sympathythrough my struggles. This doesn't mean I'll stop letting at least some of the darkness that I need to let out but it doesn mean I want to make some positive things more clear and try to focus on those more and more.
So this is where I let out some of the dark things in my mind first:
Right now, suicide is a very hard thing to ignore. I know that sucks to read, it sucks to have to type it but it is the truth. Recently, I was waiting for the train to come and as it got closer I kept imagining jumping in front of it. I thought, 'Would I feel it? Would it take long to finish me? What would people there do?' and more thoughts along those lines.
I'm not proud of that fact but it's been very strong lately and I feel more and more worthless as I need more help; it's a circle of negativity: the more I need help, the less I feel worth anything and that makes me need more help.
I think this is so strong right now because I've been getting hit my overwhelming big things one after another and I can't seem to get my head above water before getting hit by another big life thing. It's been emotional stuff, it's been monetary and it's been loneliness things that have been hitting me. One of the hardest parts of pretty much everything lately is that there is no physical enemy to blame or be angry at (besides me, of course) It's not like a bully has been stealing my lunch money, it's like my bike broke and I lost my keys. I have no one to blame or aim my anger at so I'm just stuck sitting there being angrier and angrier...at no one.
This, coupled with the heaviness of the things that have ge tto me most have led me to deeper depression and anxiety, which guides me toward the thought that ending my life is better than living this life out. Again let me say, I'm not proud ofg this line of thinking but if I keep it all in my own head and don't honestly let it out, I will be much more likely to follow through with it. Please pray for me in this area if you pray and if not, sned a kind message or write me a letter or something.
That's pretty heavy, right? I know, I know. So there's that and now I want to share some positive thoughts, things inspired by friends and other areas of life.
Okay, I want to start off by saying that as bad as things sound on here, my friends have pretty much all been greater and greater than I deserve.
And I'm not saying that to put myself down, I'm saying that my firends have really truly been supportive (not necessarily of what choices I'm making but of my well being overall) and have helped where they can. I really can't find enough words to express my thankfulness, like really really. (Great literacy there, I know. I word really good.) I hope that explains thoroughly how I feel about my friends.I'm not going to name any specific friends because I would leave someone out accidentally and that would be an injustice to those friends so I'll just say this: You know who you are and I love you for who you are.
Inspiration:
Inspiration is one of the greatest riches you can possess in the world today, it's far more important than gold or riches. Second to that would be respect for the most part and a person possessing these two traits can change the world.
Though I regularly see people being rude, self centered and ignorant (as a cashier), I also see people who are respectful, kind and thoughtful and those people change someone's entire with even the smallest gesture. I try to be that person who makes someone's bad day a little better than before.
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