I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

Post Vacation Update

     So I did a thing and it was pretty cool. If you know me personally, you've probably gotten tired of the words 'Oahu' 'Hawaii' and 'wild'

     Here's a brief bragging session. Ready? Alright...here we go:

My cousin Ryan, a good friend Codi and I all went to Oahu, HI from June 11th till June 19th and we had an absolute blast! There were ups (some literally), some crazy downs and so many new things!

First, I want to take a moment and say we had the absolutely best hosts possible. Evelyn and Mark who welcomed us into their home and treated us like family while we were there. I highly recommend anyone interested in visiting Oahu to search on Facebook for Aloha Oasis Hideaway and make sure to tell them that Layla Lee sent you.

     Our Oahu trip included The Pink Pill hike, Diamondhead Crater, a shark diving encounter, a tour of Pearl Harbor, a rock jump at the North Shore, surfing at Waikiki Beach, acai in a pineapple, waianae beaches that were amazing, Germaine's Luau, seeing dolphins twirling out of the water, Dan's Shave Ice and admiring every ounce of blue water at almost every turn. And all that was only the stuff I could think of off the top of my mind.

Dan's Shave Ice

     Listing out each day is not as easy as I thought it would be so...I'm not gonna do that but I do have many pictures and videos from the entire trip. And after Codi left, Ryan and I went to The Big Island and that was mind blowing too.

The highlight there was our hike up Mauna Kea, the worlds tallest Volcano (from the base to the top). It was not easy and we definitely earned every minute of rest after taking on that mammoth mountain.

     Overall, I still can't believe that I went there and saw the things I saw. It's amazing that I, someone who has never seen much of anything in person, saw a manta ray a few feet from my face (briefly but it still happened), ate fresh fruit I've never even knew existed, chased a goat that was on the side of the road (I wanted to pet it...can you blame me?), I jumped off an about 20 foot rock into the most amazing water roughly a week after barely making it up a 12 rung ladder at my job, I swam a few feet away from Galopogos sharks...pretty much the fact that I can say the phrase "When I was in Oahu..."

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

The Horizons, They are Definitely Interesting

     Well, I'm coming back. This is indeed going to be a much more positive entry than before and I am happy to admit (yes, admit. It's actually really hard for me to claim positive accomplishments and positive...anything really) that things are on a wildly progressive or uplifting. Simply put, things are going good.

The routine I've used here is to talk about my feelings, problems or thoughts and then give a life update. And since I'm a slave to tradition, that's how I'm gonna roll today. So...

So I've been working on gathering intangible things that I've needed for so long.
   I've gotten myself a decent job that suits me perfectly right now. I have a little bit of freedom with a flexible and fairly open schedule and I am doing things that are actively teaching me a lot.

   I am getting my health insurance back and will get back on the medicine that helped me before so much in my ability to be productive.

Not my actual new glasses

   I got glasses, which has made it possible for me to do my job and also has helped me in so many ways I didn't understand before I had them. It sounds like a no brainer but for so long I had no choice and just had to deal with my very very poor sight. And I made it...barely. I missed a lot more than I realized.

   I started going to the gym and have been dedicating regular time to it. This has been a great encouragement to be able to get there 5 days a week or more I have always struggled with ambition and motivation for some reason. I used to picture it like there were bottles in every person's body and each one was filled with motivation or ambition or talent or abilities or other things like that and mine was broken and nothing could cause mine to actually fill up fully/stay filled for more than a very little bit. This made sense because for years even when I had things to look forward to or had clear goals ahead, I'd still lose the ability to stay motivated enough to fight for things I needed to fight for.

   One small thing that may seem so minute or not worth mentioning is drawing. For the lat few weeks, I've been getting to work about 2 hours early, sitting in my break room and drawing abstract
art till it's time to clock in. The reasons it's so big for me are: it gives me time to cool down, gets any bad vibes out of my head and gives me time to breathe and relax before work. This practice truly has given me an ability to deal with things much better than before. The therapeutic results of putting my pen to paper is a big reason I'm able to do the next positive thing as well right now.

   I've been able to handle and deal with negative things that pop up. Friday morning on my way to work (it's about a 2 mile bike ride from the train to my job) I ran over what turned out to be a GIANT piece of glass and my tire instantly popped. That kind of thing could put me down in so many ways

and in the past that has been the kind of thing that would cause a depression and a slide into the worst. I've closed myself even deeper into the darkness that eats away at me, many things at a time. I've been unable to go to work or call and felt so confined in the darkest place in my mind and lose everything quickly.

Friday, I walked to work (justifiably angrily), went in, worked, called a bike place near where I live, left my bike there and had my cousin pick it up later and moved on with my life. I got it fixed Saturday morning and it even ended up costing about half the price I expected.

The thing I'm taking away from that situation is I didn't shut down emotionally, I dealt with it and didn't let it ruin my mood...after about an hour anyway; I was sooo ready to fight anyone that walked near me for a little bit.

   And here's the most surprising thing I've dealt with recently; a person who was my boss at an old job reached out to me. At first I wanted to let this person know all the negative things I had to say and be brutally honest in telling former boss every angry thought I had from when we worked together.

Here's a quick recap of why I wanted to jump on the chance to say some stuff to former boss:

     I worked at a job not too long ago where I was pushed to limits in ways I saw as very unfair and very mean. Certain managers were doing things both on a personal level and on a professional level that made my job beyond just difficult and frankly hurt my feelings.

I'm being vague because though I had a very bad 

time at the hands of certain people, I don't 

think it's right to bad mouth someone and it's 

even worse to talk about them when they have no 

way to defend their actions at the moment. I didn't 

and still don't know the while story and I'm 

not trying to say that because things were 

really bad then, they are bad people. 

Back to the story...

So this person sent me a friend request, so to speak, on social media and I was shocked. The last time I had any communication with this boss, I was scheduled to work one morning and I saw that they cut my hours so much that I wasn't going to be able to pay bills...so I walked out and that was the end of my time at that job. Three years there and I just walked out without saying a word.

I got the request and my first thought was, "Oooh now I can say all the stuff I wanted to say before!" I was ready to demolish that person and leave them with a mic drop message. I smartly took a little bit of time before responding and calmed down a little; I messaged that person later that night and I was brutally honest in questioning the friendship request but I didn't attack or say "all the things I wanted to say" but instead just questioned if the request was by accident.

They responded and basically said they missed me as a friend and they understood my somewhat angry message, causing me to asses what I was really mad about. Since the day I walked out, my life has gotten better and enough time had passed that any repercussions from everything that happened then was over.

I thought about this:

     I could have gotten all the brutal things out to them in that message. I could have told my former boss off without any worry about that person impacting my schedule/pay. I could have said anything to them and felt like I "won" but what then? Then that person either responds with anger and fights back or they walk away being beaten. That person took a chance at possibly being rejected by being the one to request a connection and they were at least more vulnerable (though it's a very small way, they were).

I thought about what I would gain by getting back at them now and it left me with a temporary good feeling and an empty feeling when I considered after that one response. I don't want to be like that, I actually got along really well that person before things went really badly and I would be closing the door on any chance at a friendship ever. Winning has never been my hope in life, just like making money has never been a motivation for me.

So after the initial message, I explained that I was just shocked by the request. I told that person that I can put the past behind me and I'd like to be friends. And at the end of a few more messages back and forth, we are gonna hang out. I could have held a grudge and lost a potential friend...but why? What would that do for me as a person?

I'd rather let go of that stupid grudge and re-connect with a person who was a good friend at one time. I won in such a more real and deeper way and I'm actually really happy about that. Also, I found out after I sent that first message that I have become so good at cutting people out of my life that I put that person in a box in my mind without thinking. When I gave myself a moment to actually feel, I realized I missed them and didn't WANT to cut them out.

Sometimes, I do things on autopilot that I might not actually want to but because it becomes the routine, I do it.

     At this very moment (Saturday May 25th 2019) I am 17 days away from my first big vacation. I, along with two good friends, am going to Hawaii and I could not be more excited! I also have plans to go to see the Grand Canyon in November and a BIG trip in 2022...but that's another story for another time.

Work has been really good and I'm moving about two blocks away some time in the near future. I have been fine tuning daily routines such as when I get to work, what I eat and my workout routine. The more I sharpen my life in little ways, the better I have become as a person.

I'm so close to getting my health insurance back and once I do, I'll be able to take medicine I need, migraine medicine and allergy meds.

I've been working on my YouTube future plans, I'm really excited about getting my vision out of my head and into the digital world. I have some decent plans that I hope I can share with the YouTube world and possibly find some way to gain a following. I'm gathering episodes now and I'm currently looking for guests who want to get their story and knowledge out there for fans to watch and relate to or learn from. It's gonna be good!

And finally I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, like actually happy Through my gender issues and understanding how to do things I want to do for myself, I've been trying to make myself a better person. I've been working on small things from training my voice, learning how to makeup better and better and how to accept compliments to big things like lose weight and eat better. So far so good. 

     The best thing to happen today is I finally gave in and signed up for my own internet so hopefully I won't be left in the dark like I have for the last few weeks.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more through this blog, instagram and YouTube (Knock on wood)

An Update and a Bright Future! I'm Hoping for it

     So it's been a minute or two...I haven't had Internet access to post but I have a day to get online so here I am.

I've been through a bunch since last time I posted, I'm not even sure where to start. Let's see (thinking about where I was when I posted last) . . .

     Well, I quit my job after some absolute garbage went down with my former bosses and had about 3 weeks off before getting a new one; a MUCH better one. I get paid a bit more and I don't have to be a cashier! I joined a gym that's RIGHT next to work, making it so easy to go from work to the gym every weekday.

     Aaaaand the most fun news I have is I'm taking a vacation, a real one. As of Friday May 17th 2019 in 25 days, I'm going with two people to HAWAII!!!!! And I could not be more excited!

I've never taken a real vacation so this is really big for me. We're gonna visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial, see Waikiki Beach, swim with sharks (in and out of a cage), climb a volcano and go to as many luaus as possible!

 My cousin and I have planned a few trips that ended up not working out for mostly money reasons but this time we planned it out and have already paid for everything over the last year so it's set and we just have to make it through the next 25 days...sounds easy, right? Yesterday felt like 4 days long.

Life update:

     I've been really working at my depression, the quitting my old job was a big, yet scary, step.
Getting my health insurance back so I can get back on the meds I need is a great next step and the gym has been helping depression issues in a way.

     Now for the not so good part of this fight, it hasn't been all great in the last few months. I go through phases where I hide from everyone or can't seem to speak out when I need someone around or I don't have anyone to talk to. A few weeks ago, I went through the scariest night in a long time, I was hurting over things and I'm typing this now feeling so far from that night because if I had a way to end myself, I would have.

I was ready to give up and if I had a gun or something like that...I was so numb from emotional pain that I would have followed through with almost anything. It took me about two days to come down from that and I don't even know quite how I came down from that terrifying ledge. God only knows and I thank HIM for not letting me find a way to end myself that night.

I am trying to show myself that I

have a future to look forward to and think about the things I have in my life to enjoy/the people who have stuck by me through so much.

Future plans:

     Well, my trip to HAWAII is coming up then the next big plan is to start my legal name change process. I was going to do it a few months ago but decided to wait till after the trip because I have terrible luck and I was afraid it would affect my passport, which would mess with everything. So that's the next big thing.

Then I'm deciding on either moving to Canada next as my main objective OR taking a very long trip in 2022 (MY year) and then working on my move. That's all very up in the air and can be changed but I do know this: I'm making 2022 the best year ever!

That's about all I got so far, lots of positive things to think about and focus on!

Till next time...

A New Chapter, A New Beginning

     So...I am entering a new chapter in my life and it's scary, interesting, terrifying and about a hundred other adjectives. What? You wanna know what led me into a new direction that will undoubtedly change the course of my entire life and being? Well, since you asked nicely: alriiiight.

Let me take you back in time not too long ago but just long enough to explain things.

     Imagine, if you will, a trans girl (biological male, for those of you who can't get past that fact. Yes I can admit that fact about myself, and yes I will be referring to myself as a trans girl. Deal with it) who works a retail job. Are you imagining it? Good, gold star for listening.

Now imagine that trans girl having issues with the position she's been placed in and rationally making it very clear to powers that be; Imagine she works very hard to make customers happy and also acknowledges that she has some issues that she needs to be better at (and is trying, successful or not...trying).

Stay with me, imagine that this trans girl has a few issues with customers who accused her of things that she did not do and the powers that be didn't even listen for a second to her side and made up their minds that she was guilty of these ridiculous claims before attempting (in the most fake and absurd manner) to get her side of said issues. And now visualize that this trans girl takes verbal rebuke. And then maybe two or three weeks later she has one more issue with a customer and the same result occurs.

At that point, trans retail worker starts trying harder to make it clear to the powers that be that she needs to be in another position, not by complaining or being rude to customers even though they are relentless at that imaginary retail place of business, but she jumps on the opportunity whenever she gets to do other positions so well that coworkers and other bosses take notice at just how good she did. So her attempts go noticed and powers that be say, "We'll get you off (the worst position that you're having trouble with) and get you in the position that you excel highly in."

A very happy trans girl takes those words to heart and when she doesn't get that position change, she tries to stay calm and thinks, "Okay, eventually (powers that be) will live up to their words and put me in other positions." and she happily continues in the worst position; the position that she has had issues with both from customers creating problems and through her having some trouble with her attitude/limit to being verbally treated very badly.

She tries to keep her head up and be positive even though weeks go by with powers that be not doing what they said...and then...a thing happens (or so she's told) that pushes trans girl to the very edge of her limits. A customer (it still has yet to be proven that this customer exists, but I digress) says they won't come to the particular retail store because of this talked about trans girl; it is said by the powers that be that trans girl "refused" to give this alleged customer something that trans girl has NO REASON to refuse, nor has trans girl EVER refused any customer ever.

In fact, trans girl takes offense to this claim because she takes great pride in giving customers the exact thing she was accused of "refusing" Upon being approached by the powers that be, she was not given the respect of being listened to when asked why she "refused" to give the customer certain service. Trans girl had taken the verbal punishment before and held back as much as she had in her but this, boys and girls reading this, was quickly nearing a breaking point.

So while being told (not asked or given any benefit of the doubt in any way; guilty until...nope, just guilty even though she absolutely wasn't) that she "refused" to give the service that she had never denied, trans girl wasn't able to hold her tongue enough and pushed the powers that be back verbally. She admittedly wasn't polite when told she did things she would never do; imagine trans girl was clearly frustrated beyond what someone should have to take from their powers that be.

Imagine that from that moment on, the powers that be decided to not only take things personal by not speaking to her and doing petty, incredibly odiously rude things like talking about trans girl on social media websites then deleting her (yeah, trans girl was friend requested a while before by one power that be and while still "friends" powers that be posted trash talk about trans girl, specifically mentioning things about her in very childish, rude words)

Along with being treated like less than every other employee by certain powers that be, trans girl's hours went from about 35-37 to 13 in the span of two weeks. That's a very drastic slash in hours and over the next three schedules, those hours went from 13 to 11 down to 7, respectively. So trans girl decides things need to take a GIGANTIC step towards a new chapter in her life...and here we are in the present.

From those powers that be deciding to do everything they can to make her miserable to cutting her hours drastically

     (on more than three different occasions they cut HER hours 

even though other coworkers did blatant things that could 

have deserved having their hours cut, like cursing at 

customers and not showing up for their scheduled shifts 

regularly...but those powers that be didn't show ANY 

bias whatsoever...none. Just sayin)

     I hope you enjoyed my story and I hope it has a happy ending some day in the near future, at least for trans girl...nah, I'm not good at hating on most people so I truly hope the powers that be find a way to be happy too and treat others with respect and dignity in the future. I'm pretty sure that those specific powers that be chose to be exactly that way to trans girl and not to anyone else so maybe by her changing her course of life, she takes their negativity away from them  as much as removing herself from it. I also hope for no harm or bad karma to come to anyone involved.

Prayers, good thoughts and comments are welcome as always, thank you for taking the time to read my words.