Post Vacation Update

     So I did a thing and it was pretty cool. If you know me personally, you've probably gotten tired of the words 'Oahu' 'Hawaii' and 'wild'

     Here's a brief bragging session. Ready? Alright...here we go:

My cousin Ryan, a good friend Codi and I all went to Oahu, HI from June 11th till June 19th and we had an absolute blast! There were ups (some literally), some crazy downs and so many new things!

First, I want to take a moment and say we had the absolutely best hosts possible. Evelyn and Mark who welcomed us into their home and treated us like family while we were there. I highly recommend anyone interested in visiting Oahu to search on Facebook for Aloha Oasis Hideaway and make sure to tell them that Layla Lee sent you.

     Our Oahu trip included The Pink Pill hike, Diamondhead Crater, a shark diving encounter, a tour of Pearl Harbor, a rock jump at the North Shore, surfing at Waikiki Beach, acai in a pineapple, waianae beaches that were amazing, Germaine's Luau, seeing dolphins twirling out of the water, Dan's Shave Ice and admiring every ounce of blue water at almost every turn. And all that was only the stuff I could think of off the top of my mind.

Dan's Shave Ice

     Listing out each day is not as easy as I thought it would be so...I'm not gonna do that but I do have many pictures and videos from the entire trip. And after Codi left, Ryan and I went to The Big Island and that was mind blowing too.

The highlight there was our hike up Mauna Kea, the worlds tallest Volcano (from the base to the top). It was not easy and we definitely earned every minute of rest after taking on that mammoth mountain.

     Overall, I still can't believe that I went there and saw the things I saw. It's amazing that I, someone who has never seen much of anything in person, saw a manta ray a few feet from my face (briefly but it still happened), ate fresh fruit I've never even knew existed, chased a goat that was on the side of the road (I wanted to pet it...can you blame me?), I jumped off an about 20 foot rock into the most amazing water roughly a week after barely making it up a 12 rung ladder at my job, I swam a few feet away from Galopogos sharks...pretty much the fact that I can say the phrase "When I was in Oahu..."

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

The Horizons, They are Definitely Interesting

     Well, I'm coming back. This is indeed going to be a much more positive entry than before and I am happy to admit (yes, admit. It's actually really hard for me to claim positive accomplishments and positive...anything really) that things are on a wildly progressive or uplifting. Simply put, things are going good.

The routine I've used here is to talk about my feelings, problems or thoughts and then give a life update. And since I'm a slave to tradition, that's how I'm gonna roll today. So...

So I've been working on gathering intangible things that I've needed for so long.
   I've gotten myself a decent job that suits me perfectly right now. I have a little bit of freedom with a flexible and fairly open schedule and I am doing things that are actively teaching me a lot.

   I am getting my health insurance back and will get back on the medicine that helped me before so much in my ability to be productive.

Not my actual new glasses

   I got glasses, which has made it possible for me to do my job and also has helped me in so many ways I didn't understand before I had them. It sounds like a no brainer but for so long I had no choice and just had to deal with my very very poor sight. And I made it...barely. I missed a lot more than I realized.

   I started going to the gym and have been dedicating regular time to it. This has been a great encouragement to be able to get there 5 days a week or more I have always struggled with ambition and motivation for some reason. I used to picture it like there were bottles in every person's body and each one was filled with motivation or ambition or talent or abilities or other things like that and mine was broken and nothing could cause mine to actually fill up fully/stay filled for more than a very little bit. This made sense because for years even when I had things to look forward to or had clear goals ahead, I'd still lose the ability to stay motivated enough to fight for things I needed to fight for.

   One small thing that may seem so minute or not worth mentioning is drawing. For the lat few weeks, I've been getting to work about 2 hours early, sitting in my break room and drawing abstract
art till it's time to clock in. The reasons it's so big for me are: it gives me time to cool down, gets any bad vibes out of my head and gives me time to breathe and relax before work. This practice truly has given me an ability to deal with things much better than before. The therapeutic results of putting my pen to paper is a big reason I'm able to do the next positive thing as well right now.

   I've been able to handle and deal with negative things that pop up. Friday morning on my way to work (it's about a 2 mile bike ride from the train to my job) I ran over what turned out to be a GIANT piece of glass and my tire instantly popped. That kind of thing could put me down in so many ways

and in the past that has been the kind of thing that would cause a depression and a slide into the worst. I've closed myself even deeper into the darkness that eats away at me, many things at a time. I've been unable to go to work or call and felt so confined in the darkest place in my mind and lose everything quickly.

Friday, I walked to work (justifiably angrily), went in, worked, called a bike place near where I live, left my bike there and had my cousin pick it up later and moved on with my life. I got it fixed Saturday morning and it even ended up costing about half the price I expected.

The thing I'm taking away from that situation is I didn't shut down emotionally, I dealt with it and didn't let it ruin my mood...after about an hour anyway; I was sooo ready to fight anyone that walked near me for a little bit.

   And here's the most surprising thing I've dealt with recently; a person who was my boss at an old job reached out to me. At first I wanted to let this person know all the negative things I had to say and be brutally honest in telling former boss every angry thought I had from when we worked together.

Here's a quick recap of why I wanted to jump on the chance to say some stuff to former boss:

     I worked at a job not too long ago where I was pushed to limits in ways I saw as very unfair and very mean. Certain managers were doing things both on a personal level and on a professional level that made my job beyond just difficult and frankly hurt my feelings.

I'm being vague because though I had a very bad 

time at the hands of certain people, I don't 

think it's right to bad mouth someone and it's 

even worse to talk about them when they have no 

way to defend their actions at the moment. I didn't 

and still don't know the while story and I'm 

not trying to say that because things were 

really bad then, they are bad people. 

Back to the story...

So this person sent me a friend request, so to speak, on social media and I was shocked. The last time I had any communication with this boss, I was scheduled to work one morning and I saw that they cut my hours so much that I wasn't going to be able to pay bills...so I walked out and that was the end of my time at that job. Three years there and I just walked out without saying a word.

I got the request and my first thought was, "Oooh now I can say all the stuff I wanted to say before!" I was ready to demolish that person and leave them with a mic drop message. I smartly took a little bit of time before responding and calmed down a little; I messaged that person later that night and I was brutally honest in questioning the friendship request but I didn't attack or say "all the things I wanted to say" but instead just questioned if the request was by accident.

They responded and basically said they missed me as a friend and they understood my somewhat angry message, causing me to asses what I was really mad about. Since the day I walked out, my life has gotten better and enough time had passed that any repercussions from everything that happened then was over.

I thought about this:

     I could have gotten all the brutal things out to them in that message. I could have told my former boss off without any worry about that person impacting my schedule/pay. I could have said anything to them and felt like I "won" but what then? Then that person either responds with anger and fights back or they walk away being beaten. That person took a chance at possibly being rejected by being the one to request a connection and they were at least more vulnerable (though it's a very small way, they were).

I thought about what I would gain by getting back at them now and it left me with a temporary good feeling and an empty feeling when I considered after that one response. I don't want to be like that, I actually got along really well that person before things went really badly and I would be closing the door on any chance at a friendship ever. Winning has never been my hope in life, just like making money has never been a motivation for me.

So after the initial message, I explained that I was just shocked by the request. I told that person that I can put the past behind me and I'd like to be friends. And at the end of a few more messages back and forth, we are gonna hang out. I could have held a grudge and lost a potential friend...but why? What would that do for me as a person?

I'd rather let go of that stupid grudge and re-connect with a person who was a good friend at one time. I won in such a more real and deeper way and I'm actually really happy about that. Also, I found out after I sent that first message that I have become so good at cutting people out of my life that I put that person in a box in my mind without thinking. When I gave myself a moment to actually feel, I realized I missed them and didn't WANT to cut them out.

Sometimes, I do things on autopilot that I might not actually want to but because it becomes the routine, I do it.

     At this very moment (Saturday May 25th 2019) I am 17 days away from my first big vacation. I, along with two good friends, am going to Hawaii and I could not be more excited! I also have plans to go to see the Grand Canyon in November and a BIG trip in 2022...but that's another story for another time.

Work has been really good and I'm moving about two blocks away some time in the near future. I have been fine tuning daily routines such as when I get to work, what I eat and my workout routine. The more I sharpen my life in little ways, the better I have become as a person.

I'm so close to getting my health insurance back and once I do, I'll be able to take medicine I need, migraine medicine and allergy meds.

I've been working on my YouTube future plans, I'm really excited about getting my vision out of my head and into the digital world. I have some decent plans that I hope I can share with the YouTube world and possibly find some way to gain a following. I'm gathering episodes now and I'm currently looking for guests who want to get their story and knowledge out there for fans to watch and relate to or learn from. It's gonna be good!

And finally I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, like actually happy Through my gender issues and understanding how to do things I want to do for myself, I've been trying to make myself a better person. I've been working on small things from training my voice, learning how to makeup better and better and how to accept compliments to big things like lose weight and eat better. So far so good. 

     The best thing to happen today is I finally gave in and signed up for my own internet so hopefully I won't be left in the dark like I have for the last few weeks.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more through this blog, instagram and YouTube (Knock on wood)

An Update and a Bright Future! I'm Hoping for it

     So it's been a minute or two...I haven't had Internet access to post but I have a day to get online so here I am.

I've been through a bunch since last time I posted, I'm not even sure where to start. Let's see (thinking about where I was when I posted last) . . .

     Well, I quit my job after some absolute garbage went down with my former bosses and had about 3 weeks off before getting a new one; a MUCH better one. I get paid a bit more and I don't have to be a cashier! I joined a gym that's RIGHT next to work, making it so easy to go from work to the gym every weekday.

     Aaaaand the most fun news I have is I'm taking a vacation, a real one. As of Friday May 17th 2019 in 25 days, I'm going with two people to HAWAII!!!!! And I could not be more excited!

I've never taken a real vacation so this is really big for me. We're gonna visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial, see Waikiki Beach, swim with sharks (in and out of a cage), climb a volcano and go to as many luaus as possible!

 My cousin and I have planned a few trips that ended up not working out for mostly money reasons but this time we planned it out and have already paid for everything over the last year so it's set and we just have to make it through the next 25 days...sounds easy, right? Yesterday felt like 4 days long.

Life update:

     I've been really working at my depression, the quitting my old job was a big, yet scary, step.
Getting my health insurance back so I can get back on the meds I need is a great next step and the gym has been helping depression issues in a way.

     Now for the not so good part of this fight, it hasn't been all great in the last few months. I go through phases where I hide from everyone or can't seem to speak out when I need someone around or I don't have anyone to talk to. A few weeks ago, I went through the scariest night in a long time, I was hurting over things and I'm typing this now feeling so far from that night because if I had a way to end myself, I would have.

I was ready to give up and if I had a gun or something like that...I was so numb from emotional pain that I would have followed through with almost anything. It took me about two days to come down from that and I don't even know quite how I came down from that terrifying ledge. God only knows and I thank HIM for not letting me find a way to end myself that night.

I am trying to show myself that I

have a future to look forward to and think about the things I have in my life to enjoy/the people who have stuck by me through so much.

Future plans:

     Well, my trip to HAWAII is coming up then the next big plan is to start my legal name change process. I was going to do it a few months ago but decided to wait till after the trip because I have terrible luck and I was afraid it would affect my passport, which would mess with everything. So that's the next big thing.

Then I'm deciding on either moving to Canada next as my main objective OR taking a very long trip in 2022 (MY year) and then working on my move. That's all very up in the air and can be changed but I do know this: I'm making 2022 the best year ever!

That's about all I got so far, lots of positive things to think about and focus on!

Till next time...

A New Chapter, A New Beginning

     So...I am entering a new chapter in my life and it's scary, interesting, terrifying and about a hundred other adjectives. What? You wanna know what led me into a new direction that will undoubtedly change the course of my entire life and being? Well, since you asked nicely: alriiiight.

Let me take you back in time not too long ago but just long enough to explain things.

     Imagine, if you will, a trans girl (biological male, for those of you who can't get past that fact. Yes I can admit that fact about myself, and yes I will be referring to myself as a trans girl. Deal with it) who works a retail job. Are you imagining it? Good, gold star for listening.

Now imagine that trans girl having issues with the position she's been placed in and rationally making it very clear to powers that be; Imagine she works very hard to make customers happy and also acknowledges that she has some issues that she needs to be better at (and is trying, successful or not...trying).

Stay with me, imagine that this trans girl has a few issues with customers who accused her of things that she did not do and the powers that be didn't even listen for a second to her side and made up their minds that she was guilty of these ridiculous claims before attempting (in the most fake and absurd manner) to get her side of said issues. And now visualize that this trans girl takes verbal rebuke. And then maybe two or three weeks later she has one more issue with a customer and the same result occurs.

At that point, trans retail worker starts trying harder to make it clear to the powers that be that she needs to be in another position, not by complaining or being rude to customers even though they are relentless at that imaginary retail place of business, but she jumps on the opportunity whenever she gets to do other positions so well that coworkers and other bosses take notice at just how good she did. So her attempts go noticed and powers that be say, "We'll get you off (the worst position that you're having trouble with) and get you in the position that you excel highly in."

A very happy trans girl takes those words to heart and when she doesn't get that position change, she tries to stay calm and thinks, "Okay, eventually (powers that be) will live up to their words and put me in other positions." and she happily continues in the worst position; the position that she has had issues with both from customers creating problems and through her having some trouble with her attitude/limit to being verbally treated very badly.

She tries to keep her head up and be positive even though weeks go by with powers that be not doing what they said...and then...a thing happens (or so she's told) that pushes trans girl to the very edge of her limits. A customer (it still has yet to be proven that this customer exists, but I digress) says they won't come to the particular retail store because of this talked about trans girl; it is said by the powers that be that trans girl "refused" to give this alleged customer something that trans girl has NO REASON to refuse, nor has trans girl EVER refused any customer ever.

In fact, trans girl takes offense to this claim because she takes great pride in giving customers the exact thing she was accused of "refusing" Upon being approached by the powers that be, she was not given the respect of being listened to when asked why she "refused" to give the customer certain service. Trans girl had taken the verbal punishment before and held back as much as she had in her but this, boys and girls reading this, was quickly nearing a breaking point.

So while being told (not asked or given any benefit of the doubt in any way; guilty until...nope, just guilty even though she absolutely wasn't) that she "refused" to give the service that she had never denied, trans girl wasn't able to hold her tongue enough and pushed the powers that be back verbally. She admittedly wasn't polite when told she did things she would never do; imagine trans girl was clearly frustrated beyond what someone should have to take from their powers that be.

Imagine that from that moment on, the powers that be decided to not only take things personal by not speaking to her and doing petty, incredibly odiously rude things like talking about trans girl on social media websites then deleting her (yeah, trans girl was friend requested a while before by one power that be and while still "friends" powers that be posted trash talk about trans girl, specifically mentioning things about her in very childish, rude words)

Along with being treated like less than every other employee by certain powers that be, trans girl's hours went from about 35-37 to 13 in the span of two weeks. That's a very drastic slash in hours and over the next three schedules, those hours went from 13 to 11 down to 7, respectively. So trans girl decides things need to take a GIGANTIC step towards a new chapter in her life...and here we are in the present.

From those powers that be deciding to do everything they can to make her miserable to cutting her hours drastically

     (on more than three different occasions they cut HER hours 

even though other coworkers did blatant things that could 

have deserved having their hours cut, like cursing at 

customers and not showing up for their scheduled shifts 

regularly...but those powers that be didn't show ANY 

bias whatsoever...none. Just sayin)

     I hope you enjoyed my story and I hope it has a happy ending some day in the near future, at least for trans girl...nah, I'm not good at hating on most people so I truly hope the powers that be find a way to be happy too and treat others with respect and dignity in the future. I'm pretty sure that those specific powers that be chose to be exactly that way to trans girl and not to anyone else so maybe by her changing her course of life, she takes their negativity away from them  as much as removing herself from it. I also hope for no harm or bad karma to come to anyone involved.

Prayers, good thoughts and comments are welcome as always, thank you for taking the time to read my words.

What Now? The Next Step.

     Where do I go from here? Good question, right? I've asked that to myself and prayed to God so many times I can't count.  I got to the edge, I stared at it, I found some way not to go over that edge and I stepped back. But then what. Amirite?

If you've ever gone through suicidal near deaths before, you know there's a relief and possibly people are there for you...at first. AT FIRST. After that initial win, there's often the 'getting back to normal 

life' part that isn't real easy, but you get through the first 'normal day' and kinda get back into your routine.

Then...the next steps are often overlooked or treated as not nearly as big as stepping away from the edge. That step is VITALLY, desperately and visualizationally SOOO important! (I make up words, let it go.)

It's vital because if there's no plan in place, no reason to still be here, nothing to be excited about further than "I didn't die." that's where thoughts of trying again become big and whether they start from the beginning or they unpause from the moment you walked away from the edge, those feelings will only get stronger.

That next step or continued excitement is visualizationally important because visualizing a future with yourself IN IT needs to be palpable. 

Visualizationally - describing 

something being able to be 

visualized or imagined as a potential truth.

     So you're at that point where you've gotten back into your groove or rut and you're doing the daily things like before and you get to that moment where you think, " Okay, I'm back to routine and things

are better than when they were worse...but...what now?"

There two parts to this that you can do to take control of this step, one is completely in your power to be the authority and the 2nd part is not as easy to be the total leader of but CAN be done. Neither are even close to easy, but these WILL make the "What' now?!" so much less powerful over you.

This is where you have to find something to be excited about and look forward to. Find a new job, challenge yourself to small winnable tests: like try new food every day or say hello to 200 people in one day or listen to a new song from a new band every day or something personal to you and something that specifically makes you happier than you were before. 

Do whatever you can to have fun with this part,  make yourself laugh with the crazy, silly ideas and do them. And don't feel bad if you make very small goals, like writing in a blog or cleaning a small part of your room or something like that...not that I suggested those because those are two of my personal goals in this step. 

Getting those wins really can be a huge encouragement and help you get through each day with a different focus or a different way of looking at life. Stay calm and don't get down on yourself if you set small goals and don't get to them right away, if you don't clean your room today you have tomorrow to work on it. 

The 2nd part of this step is, in a way, a little less in your control: surround yourself with a person or people who will help you get better, feel better and be better. In some cases, that means stepping away from old friends who drag you down or who don't support you and sometimes that means finding someone and basically saying to them, "I'm not doing too well right now and I'll probably be miserable but I'm asking you to hang out with me and help cheer me up. Pretty much just be here for me no matter what."

It's not always easy to reach out, I know this more than you think BUT it will get you closer to being better than you were before; and that's the goal, to make yourself better than you were before. 

Aaaand here's where I share a part of my heart with you and let you know why I'm writing this.

     Two reasons:

1.) Because I have been there and I would never wish these scary feelings on my worst enemies so if my experiences and thought help even one person, I will do this forever.

2.) Because a few weeks ago, I again was at the edge and I nearly didn't walk away from that. No one knew, I didn't go to a hospital and I don't have any physical scars to show for that day. I was standing in front of the train after having a day that proved to me just how worthless I am to the world and I saw the train coming closer quickly.

I saw it and imagined  what this world would be like without me in it and things in my mind got quite a bit worse after that thought too, there's no reason to get into just how dark things got. So I saw the train and I was emotionally ready to...well, I was ready to go. And I even got as close as putting my purse and bike down as it roared closer.

With tears in my eyes, I got scared and stepped back literally. I thought about what I wanted vs what I felt like I wanted. I wanted to die...except that wasn't the truth; I wanted to not feel worthless and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to be able to live. None of those actual wants involved me ruining the life and mind of the little girl standing on the train platform not too far from me, none of those involved my friend's kids having to learn at some point that I took my own life and none of those wants involved  me giving up...in Edgewater Park, New Jersey on a Tuesday.

None of that is what I wanted or want, that's what the misery in me wants. I want good things and because I was going through some very hard times and because my bosses are bullying me and being very immature at work and because a lot of people I thought were friends haven't thought about me enough to send a text to even say hi and because it seems like every time I try to do a good thing 273 things happen that just destroy whatever I did...because of those things and a few more things, I thought, "I'll never get rid of these things so the next best thing is to end myself." 

Boiling down that twisted thought, what that says is I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to be unhappy and have no future. And so as much as I want to say I'm all better now, I'm actually in the phase I'm talking about throughout this entire diary entry. I'm talking to me just as much as anyone else who may read this.

You are not alone. You are not wrong or stupid or worthless and you definitely should step away from that edge and try looking at the world (your world specifically) in a different way; look between the lines and find out what you truly want. I'm betting on you wanting good things, even though it may be hidden by bitterness from horrible things. Don't let this world win. Please. Help me, let me help you, ask for help and help someone. 

It. will be worth it.

...to be continued...

An Origin Story

     The Suicide Journal has been a very important part of my life for a very long time. Origin story incoming...wait for it...

Many years ago, I had a plan. A plan I'm not proud of nor do I suggest anyone make a similar plan or even consider planning their own end; I made a plan to end myself and make others feel bad for not being good to me all rolled into one spectacular night that would change lives and cause a lot of pain.

I wrote down a note that began as a suicide note and was thinking about how bad I could hurt those who hurt me and in the process, I tried to explain why I ended myself (since the note wouldn't be read until after anything happened, I wrote it in past tense). The explanation  contained things I didn't know I had in me, a desire not to die but to be happy. 

It's easy for someone who hasn't been through suicidal thoughts or convincing depression issues to read that statement that I wanted to be happy and think, "Well DUH!" I understand where that response comes from in a happy life but I can't truly relate, I've never felt that just like those people have never experienced actual depression or suicidal tendencies. So to think I just want to end everything or hurt those who hurt me made full and total sense until that note.

I wrote the words, "I wish I could have found a way to be happy..." and at that moment I realized that the surface truth was I wanted to stop the pain and depression but the deep down truth; the truth I didn't believe I could ever attain wasn't just to stop pain.  I wanted to...I want to be happy. I want to feel comfort and not constant worry or sadness.

It may sound crazy but that note made me think hard and stop the planning, I ended up trying to think about what would put me in the direction of 'happy' It was a very hard night and a very confusing mental debate that night.

     Skipping a few years ahead, my Uncle Mike passed away and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was lost, I was hurt, I was...I don't know, I was nearly ready to give up. I wrote down some things in a small note book that I couldn't tell anyone else and in a very weird way I wrote things I didn't know was in my mind. 

The next day, I wrote more. I wrote a letter to my uncle and asked if it was wrong to talk to the dead or to wish I was with dead people; I know that's morbid and I AM NOT SAYING IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THESE KINDS OF TERRIBLE THOUGHTS but having them is something worth expressing. I knew I needed to get these thoughts out and started writing every time I felt the need to.                                                                                                                                                                                After a while I realized I formed journal-like entries and scratched "The Suicide Journal" on the front of that notebook.After that I started trying to dissect my feelings and pain, trying to figure out why I was hurt by things that hurt me and why I felt certain feelings. I knew and know that I never wish the pain of feeling suicidal on even my worst enemies and if anyone ever reads my words and is encouraged in any way, it's worth sharing. That became most of my goal and definitely why I started typing and publicly posting my words for others to read.

It's not to glorify suicide or to ever again write an actual suicide note (that's actually a terrifying thought to me), it's to spread the word that if you feel that endlessly scary and terrible feeling of wanting to end it all, you're not alone and those feelings are not real; no matter how convincing they are.

I hope to share The Suicide Journal for a very long time and also share the hope that more people in this world need. If you're reading this, I thank you for investing time in reading and please please know that your time and life is valuable. Never forget that.