Too much: The Full Truth

     I don't know how to deal with everything and the more that happens, the more I shut down. Stress adds up, pushes me down and the more I shut down, the more stressful things keep adding on to my already not good life.

 
          So I want to look into why I think this:

   I was born into a terrible "family", one that at times tried overall to be good people, one that was filled with a bunch of people who weren't ready for all that they got into and it resulted in two dying mainly because of alcoholism, one committing suicide and another not far from that among other various horrible situations.

   I was never allowed to be myself and never able to grow up at the same rate as kids are supposed to and I definitely didn't get or feel the love that ids are supposed to get and feel. My biological father was (to explain in the nicest term I'm able to muster) scum...in every way. My mother tried but was overwhelmed by a lot and I saw that throughout my life near her.

   As a child, I was always alone and always felt left out, even when I was a kid and visited my childhood best friend, I remember going to his house and watching him play with his new best friend and walk away from me because there was no more place for me. A girl that I went through a few years with meant the world to me and I found out later that I barely meant anything to her other than she knew me way back when we were kids. I always wanted someone (friend or romantically) to bond with me, so badly that I created that with people who didn't create it with me. I looked for pretty much any kind of bond everywhere. And each time I found out it wasn't real, it hurt me a little more and I became a little less able to trust.

   I was forced to live with a man who hated me and while he used his money on me in his life, he made it clear that I was never anything to him, especially the day he told me he was doing drugs. So there came a time when he and mom were moving, she came to me and asked what I was expecting to do and I told her I'm not living with him anymore, that wasn't happening. Then she asked if I was going to live with my "dad" (he never was and never will be my dad, he was nothing more than a sperm donor, just to be clear) and I told her there's no way I'm going to live with him.

   That left me out again, and my Uncle stepped in and took me in his home without even thinking about his situation (at least not that I know of, he may have weighed what it would mean to his life but in the end, he took me in and gave me his room instantly) While that was a great option for me at the moment and it made me feel kinda happy for a time, there were new problems that I faced.

   I had no curfew, no restrictions, no one wondering or caring where I was and I lived with a drug addict and a constant drunk. The police were at that house more than I was, screaming became the family motto and I closed myself off more and more. I rarely slept more than 3-54 hours a night, my grandmother (the constant drunk) liked to drink and bang on my door at 3 am when I had to be at school i the morning, which made me a happy camper. I can name more than 10 occasions that I had to dodge someone swinging something at me (on purpose or by accident) an I even had to go to court twice because I had to call the police on one of them (My grandmother once and my uncle George once). Not exactly and ideal situation for a kid who needed love and care more than most already.

   Now, add in to that mix my gender dysphoria, as a very small child I wanted to be a girl and that was on my mind at all times, even the times I was having fun or busy. At around 12 or 13, I started to discover my sexual side and the only thing that excited me was thinking about being forced to be a girl. For a few years I thought it was a sexual thing until I was about 16, then I realized I wanted to and felt like a girl overall. I wanted to run away and have a sex change and start a new life. That never went away.

   Now let's add in how I feel about God. This is not easy to say and I don't want to discourage anyone else from obeying or caring about God, you're not me so He cares about you.

This is how I feel:

              God has never cared for me, I snuck into His group of believers and He was forced (so to speak) to accept me...sort of. People say that God never leaves His people, never forsakes them, right? Well, I was saved on June 27th 2001. I accepted and put my faith in God's word and really thought I was safe from a lot of the emotional things that crippled me through my life. People say He would not put people in situations they can't handle and that He always gives His people what they need. Both of these are hard for me to believe, about me only, because I can think of a few times when I truly needed something and was just emptied out of any trust when I not only didn't get those things but I was embarrassed and hurt even more after I didn't get whatever it was I needed.
   Yeah, I did get some things that I wanted or needed at times but when it came to my faith or those moments where I could have totally seen something that put my faith on a solid rock...I was humiliated and emotionally destroyed. There were times where all it took was some little thing, not like a girl to like me or to get a house and a car given to me, just some little things that would have made me actually feel the love that I had heard about and seen in friends' lives. Those times were the ones that broke my faith in a way that may not be able to be fixed.

   And then there's my societal problems, I have been trying to keep up with society, with my friends and with my own expectations for as long as I can remember. I never had the chance to grow up and learn things from parents who cared and took the time to teach me things so I'm behind society because of that and whenever I get a chance to get ahead, I find that any choice that I make is the wrong one. I just always make the wrong choice, it's not even like "should I steal or buy something?" it's like, "Should I go to work when someone else calls out?" If I take the shift, I get there and everything goes wrong from me not being able to do something to I get hurt or make clumsy mistakes and cause more trouble for bosses than it was worth having me come in. And if I don;t come in, I miss out on a little bit more money and I end up not doing things I plan on doing for whatever reason.    Recently...within the last 5 years, I've gained anxiety that has been stopping me from doing so much. I have anxiety over crowds of people, even friends, which makes me NEED to leave whenever I find myself trying to tackle that and I end up stuck somewhere far from my place or I find myself being made gun of by the whole group I'm with. I can't seem to make a phone call without a long time psyching myself up for longer than I should take.

   And the final thing that has deeply affected me over the last 10 years is concussions. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and speaking and getting migraines. These things have been overtaking my life since about 1999, when I got my first concussion and I've gotten a few more since then. Three of them were bad enough to leave me unable to do things on my own. Once I went to the hospital and the other two times, I had to stay at a friend's house for the night. All three left me with memory issues, in fact I remember things that I know for a fact didn't happen.
   Once in a while, I have issues that resemble dyslexia where I can't speak the words I want to and I forget words that are common. An example would be: If I'm trying to tell someone that I want to go to the bathroom, I'd forget the words bathroom and the sentence would become difficult to put on the right order. SO I'd say,

 and in the moment, I have no idea how to make that sound sane to whoever I'm speaking to. Most bosses or people in any kind of authority don't even care what's going on, they think I'm mentally handicapped or stupid. And when I'm busy at a job or speaking to a customer, this causes major problems. It's more than just an annoyance too, it hurts and I have lost jobs because of this in the past.

     Looking at all of this, I can't see a way I can live a life that is any more than existing. I often think about ending things and these are all prevalent in that thought. It just makes me think, What do you do when you need to run full speed and you just don't have anything in the tank? What do you do when you need to drive as fast as you can and all you have is a skateboard and you're missing a shoe? What do you do when you need $30,000 and you have less than a dollar when you get your next check? I don't have faith that anything is going to get any better, I don't have the strength to make jokes and pretend things will get better...I don't have even that much fear or sadness at the thought of my journey ending sometime soon.

     I'm scared that I'm numb and less scared...

Developing philosophies

Philosophies. We all develop different ideas in life as wee grow and learn things and understand more.

     I have been telling people for years now that the attitude a lot of people take is very immature:

   This attitude is not only immature but it's very self centered, the people in your life are affected by your decisions and not everyone has to agree with your commitments or choices. That isn't me saying only make choices based on how it will affect other people's decisions but that is definitely something to think about and weigh in your decision making.

     I am currently considering a choice that most friends don't or won't agree with and some people may decide they can't go against their beliefs and support me, this is not them being bad friends or not real friends. That is them being true to themselves just as I am doing things that I have to do to be true to myself, I cannot fault them for that and I disagree whole heartedly when others insult these kinds of people.

   Another philosophy I have is that money is not nearly as important as people and friends and experiences. My uncle taught me that before he passed away. He said money comes and goes, sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't. And I know there have been times where I have taken this a little too close to heart and sacrificed money when I should have worked a little harder and earned a little more money but I sincerely believe in this ideology.

     The last philosophy I want to talk about is this:

     It will always benefit someone to hear a truth they don't want to hear rather than let them believe a lie that's easier to take. You can learn from truth, you can grow from hearing something you absolutely don't want to hear. You cannot learn, grow or become better from hearing lies just because you want to hear them.

     I live by these statements and I'm gad I've learned these from the people who taught them to me.

Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.

Opening Up: The Deepest, Darkest Secret I've ever had.

     I've got a story for anyone reading this that might surprise you or scare you or disgust you...or maybe intrigue or bore you. I have no idea how you're going to take this but it's the realest form of me that there is and I'm going to share it. If you decide not to be my friend after reading this or you decide you can't handle this issue, I understand. I just ask that you be respectful in doing anything you choose to do.

     First let me say: I have not been honest with pretty much anyone on the unfiltered true version of me. I promise there was no intent to lie, even though honestly I lied to myself for a long time and even when I realized the truth about myself I still denied it and tried to fool myself by burying it deep down and ignoring it. It'll make more sense as this goes on, trust me.

     Let's start at the beginning: When I was very little, around 2 or 3 years old, I had a moment that I still remember to this day. It's actually my second oldest memory that I have. I remember being in my mom's room and finding a pair of her boots, they were fuzzy on the inside and were brown. I picked them up, knowing very very well that boys don't wear those kinds of things.

   But I also remember thinking about how I really wanted to wear them and feel like...well, not what I was. I remember knowing that I wasn't supposed to feel that way and think that way but I did. At 2 or 3 years old I was too afraid to tell anyone because I knew boys wear boy things and girls wear girl things. I was scared and pushed that thought down and didn't do anything about it.

     Over the next few years, I had many random moments when I saw girls doing things that I remember clearly wishing I could take part in but I had to play with toys that I was supposed to play with. For the record, I always hated GI Joe, transformers and tools. Yet I said nothing and got toys like that. There were toys I did play with and have fun, it wasn't like torture all the time. I played with Thundercats and He-man toys, which were both my favorites for a while, but for the most part I wanted to play with...other things.

     So for my younger years (between about ages 6 - 12) I tried constantly to have fun with things like GI Joe toys and cartoons. The whole time I was so embarrassed to be honest with parents or friends because I knew it was a shameful thing to want to play with dolls and fashion and the things that girls played with. Makeup was a huge fascination for me, second to things that accentuated feminine features.

   This brings me to 13 years old, and to be as delicate as I can about this stage as I can, I started to understand the physical side of life. My imagination has always been very vivid and I'm sure you can guess what any 13 year old boy has n his mind at 13 so...fantasies were rampant with me.

   My earliest fantasies were very specific and they centered around a beautiful woman forcing me to ac as a girl. I actually saw a board game cover once with a rich looking woman on it and for so long she was the center of my fantasies, she'd kidnap me and force me to wear makeup and big frilly dresses and drug me so I wouldn't do anything or try to get away. In this fantasy, over time I would have to accept my new life and would eventually forget that I wasn't that rich woman's daughter or whatever. Dirty, right? There was actually a time when my mind was innocent and pure.

   I only tell that because I want to describe how my mind took in everything. At first I just hated playing with toys I didn't truly want, then my imagination created a force scenario so I could justify changing genders without me having to actually do it myself. My fantasies did turn more adult in the next few years but there's no need to get into that here, the only part that needs to be added here is the progression: my fantasies turned sexual but always revolved around me being forced or seduced into being feminized. And the more I buried the truth of wanting to be female, the more it became depraved and dark.

   Around my 19th year, I got into church. And things seemed to be getting better...for a while. I met good men who were good fathers and I started to see what good families look like, I even snuck into a house surrounded by a great family. But...there's always a but, there was still this other side of me that I was burying deep.

   Depression sprinkled itself throughout my whole life, I remember being about 7 or 8 and trying to climb out a window to jump while my biological parents fought downstairs and I remember when I was living at someone's house and considering taking a bunch of pills just to stop the hurt. Obviously I did not go through with either but those kinds of feelings took over at times and depression was and is always with me.

   Alright so I ended up going to a bible college, suppressing this part of me the whole time. After that I bounced around a lot and couldn't even think about anything, let alone think about what I am or feel like I am. It was't for another 12 years before I even thought about my gender and what's going on in my head. All I knew was I distanced myself from everyone and I was less and less okay with anything.

   A few years ago, I started asking questions but ONLY asking anonymous people. I went on websites where my identity could not possibly be traced and asked people who transitioned what they went through, most of them only gave half decent advice that I still see as immature. Their advice usually consisted of: be you and do whatever you want and if anyone disagrees with you or doesn't want you to do absolutely anything you want then f**k 'em. And in my opinion, only immature people ignore everyone in their lives just to do what they want. Everything I do affects the people closest to me and treating those people with such disrespect is taking their entire friendship for granted, like they owe me something. Not cool.

   Even though the majority said basically the same thing, I did glean a few bits of understanding from all of that and began to know a little more about myself. I even found a transgender youtuber that I was/am a big fan of who is political, smart and understands that she is biologically a male and always will be but she does her best to feel comfortable with that knowledge. 

   I started telling my close friends about me and since then I've been exploring every avenue of transgendered people. Watching documentaries, reading journals from doctors and psychologists and Christians and atheists and as many medical reports and articles as I could find. And after all that, I learned about a place near me that deals with Trans people and I made an appointment there. It took me months to even get that and it's not for a few months from the moment I'm writing this right now (Monday July 24th 2017) so I'm waiting to go and start my transition.

   So this is the real me: Layla Lee Gilmore.

A Few Memories of Epic Proportions!

     So one night, I was babysitting this little baby girl and a boy who has been one of my best friends since his first birthday. She was...one, I think and it was at late night. I was watching some horror movie and heard a noise that I never ever like hearing, a sad cry. Now there are a few different cries, some are annoying and some cause sympathy and then there's the worst kind: a sad cry. This little girl had a "night terror" and was crying hysterically.

     I was in the basement and couldn't run fast enough to get to her, this little princess' cry, especially the sad cry, was and is the worst sound I could possibly hear so I got to her and picked her up. Something about this little angel: I have never had kids myself but I know the feeling that nothing matters more than a baby's happiness and well being and when I held her I knew that not a single thing mattered more than making her feel better. The light in her room was dim and I rocked her a little for a little while to get her to stop sad crying. While rocking her, I sang some songs to try and relax her.

I wasn't used to doing this so I came up blank on songs so I sang the songs that come naturally to me...so please don't make too much fun of me. I sang a few Saturday morning cartoon songs, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Ninja Turtles and maybe a few others. She still cried but was slowly calming down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs and just a few words in she stopped crying loudly, her little cheeks were soaked by tears but she yawned and looked up at me. My heart absolutely melted and I smiled a smile that only she can get out of me (and she still does to this day) and I kept singing.

     "...take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..." And I know the song's meaning but in that moment I understood what a parent feels like when they say they love their kids. I sang the rest of the song and she yawned her little tiny yawns and even smiled a little as I finished (probably because I was done singing, hahaha)

And as I laid her down in her crib, I saw love in a way I had never experienced before. Knowing that I stopped her sad cry meant more to me than any amount of money or any accomplishment I did for myself, her not being sad...that made my heart melt like nothing could.

     Another memory that will last a lifetime:

I was at work one day and I forget what exactly happened but someone was messing with me, trying to get me to fight them. I am not one to get into fist fights if there's a way to talk things out or even yell things out so the fact that the person got me to the point of almost engaging was really impressively bad. That day my friend was picking me up from work and she pulled up moments before a possible fight. 

Normally I would sit in the passenger's seat but this day my friend saw how upset I was and made me get in the middle seat in her minivan. I was annoyed that she wouldn't let me in the front but I got in and in the opposite middle seat was this infant, maybe around the same time as the previous story. I was so worked up, just about nothing could calm me down..or so I thought. 

     I looked over at the baby and saw that little baby girl's smile and even though I was ready to get into a fight moments ago, she smiled and the whole world seemed to stop being so negative. Again, her happiness was so much more important than some fight or whatever that person did or said. It was as if God personally spoke through that tiny little angel directly to me. Her laugh healed my anger. That little girl that I lovingly call "Spazz" is and has always been an angel to me.

     And the last Epic Story:
Skipping ahead a few years, I was visiting my friends ending up there late. I hadn't lived with them for a while and my friend stepped outside when I heard that same cry from that same girl, about 6 years older by now. She again had a night terror and I again, went to her as fast as I could and again she was crying that sad cry that hurts my heart so much. I picked her up and walked her down to the basement where I was watching a movie and she sat on my lap.

Through tears, I whispered nice things to her and calmed her out of her hysteric crying. Then she give me a kiss on my cheek and put her little head on my shoulder and in a few minutes fell asleep. I remember this moment because at the time I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and she treated me like I was supposed to be there. There wasn't weirdness and she didn't take away her trust in me, it was just there.

I picked her up and walked her back to bed and she slept through the night. I took a picture because her head on my shoulder meant more to me than any amount of money that has ever or will ever exist. That little girl is my heart and soul personified.

Thank you, God for this little angel. 

Who Do I look Up To

     So I just read a blog written by a little girl who passed away years ago. She was 14 when she wrote the blog and 16 when she passed away. The scary thing is just how positive and smart this little girl was. Reading about how she looked up yo her older sister, it made me think about the people in my life that I've looked up to or looked to in need and who was/is there.

     I can think of many who have been there for me and haven't left me hangin, many friends who have sacrificed and still treated me like family. I, of course, think of Glenn, Dana and Mikey. They have been my backbone when I didn't have it in myself to go on. Glenn and Dana's kids, Mykaah, Tre and Reese have all been my angels, I mean that in a very real sense. Tre shows me constantly that friendship and family exist and that love is stronger than anything else. Mykaah...I cannot express how much she means to me. I can remember many times where just seeing her of hearing her voice made my world a better place or when I was on the edge of something very very bad when I saw her in her car seat or heard her run up and give me a big hug, that absolutely brings me back from any edge. And Reese, who I love to pieces. He's smart and I hope to be a part of him becoming a great person someday, I know he will be.

     Steve, Debbie, Caleb and Emily have all played a part in me making it this far. Each has taken time or has done something that has helped make me a better person. Their kids, Gabby and Aria, have been blessings a lot. Kari and Josh accepted me instantly and let me in their lives, they treated me like I have always been "in" with them. And Dylan, Elijah and Liam are amazing people. They're all going to be great for this world, God is making sure of that.

     Then there's Ruth who may not have given birth to me but she's my mom. I have never met a single person who is as giving and caring and loving...not even close. She's stronger than anyone I know and has more love than all of this world combined. I love her so so much, some nights I just think how do I get to be lucky enough to even know she exists, let alone that I can text her when I want to say I love you or thank you for being you.

     Joe has been a great role model, I don't know if he knows but  look up to him a lot. I am so proud of him for being who he is. The funny thing is he comes off kinda tough and grumpy sometimes but he has a heart of gold, a heart that he let God fix in a lot of ways.

     Brandon, Ally, Nick, Mike R, Mikey R, Monica, Vicky, Jeff, Gwenn, Skyler, Kimberly, Kameryn, Bri, Brayden, Lexi, Johnny B, James B, Nicole S, Meghan, Charissa, Dori, Jake, Codi, LeeAnn, Nate, Shawna and about three thousand other people should be mentioned here have all been awesome friends/family.

     There have been a few people who have meant a lot to me who I've dated that I wish I could let them know the good things I think of them, Renee, although things ended beyond just badly, showed me a lot of things and helped me in a lot of ways she'll never know. I see such potential in her and hope she succeeds in life.

     There's another woman who years ago meant a lot to me and I hope the best for her, she and I went to college together and I knew then and I know now she's a great person who is currently making this world a better place (I don't think I'm stretching the truth when I say I'm pretty sure she is currently doing great things. I don't know for sure but I believe I'm right about her.)

     And the ast person I want to mention is someone who probably doesn't even remember my name but she'll always be my first love. Tiffany will always have a piece of my heart. No matter what.

The Suicide Journal: Drive vs. Depression

     It's Wednesday July 29th at 3:21 am and I'm torn between hope and despair. What's new, right? Well the answer to that is...nothing. I'll start with the negative to get it out of the way then go with the positive.

     The negative is that lately things seem to be collapsing on me, and the worse part is it seems to be happening in slow, motion. My life monetarily reminds me of Mario Bros, the moment you jump off an edge and realize immediately that you're not going to make it to the other side. At the moment you're alive but you know you're going to die in a few moments and no matter what you do it's not going to fix things.

My job has gone from something I really enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job) to something that drives me bonkers in the worst way. I'm a cashier who is reliant on customers to want to pay for upgrades to memberships, if they do not and I don't sell many then I get in trouble. I don't have the heart to sell it to people who wouldn't benefit from it, I'm clearly not a salesman at heart. My only desire is to help people and for a while that translated into enough sales to keep my bosses happy but recently it just hasn't so...unhappy bosses equals unhappy employee.

     And depression has been growing stronger recently too. In some ways I've become more introverted than I have been in years. I've worked very hard to get away from introverticity (all rights reserved, new word) and to have that deep painful feeling that makes me unable physically to speak to certain people or at certain times is just plain annoying. I feel like there's a piece of metal sewn to my lips when I want to talk to certain bosses or any time I have to interrupt anyone. Ohhh THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I wish I could just break through that permanently, anyone else feel that way? For a long time I thought I was the only person on the planet to get that feeling.
     My non existent life is getting to me more and more too. It's like if I had something to look forward to then things like my job or my unluck at stupid games or whatever would not be nearly as painfully maddening to me. I don't mean looking forward to things like...a day trip or something like that anymore, I need something bigger and important to me to look forward to. I feel like ten years ago day trips to NYC or Philly would have been enough to keep my heart going but now? Now I just plain need more.

     Want a great example of my need for something to look forward to in a way? Ok, take any day off and give me no plans: I get up whenever and maybe lay in bed for a few hours reading and rereading my friends' facebook status' over and over then eventually I may get up and play a video game or eat a snack and then maybe I'll go out if someone texts me and basically begs me to do something. Now take that same day and give me something to make me feel important, babysitting or someone wants my help with something: I get up early, eat, get a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, ride my bike to wherever I need to go and do what it takes to get the job done. But alas...I'm usually doing the first option here.

     Ok now that the negative thoughts are out of the way, I'll get to the positive. I've always had one thing that has kept me going, one thing that has been such a strong passionate desire that it has been easily twice as strong as any depression in me: the desire to find "the one". A while ago I started kinda losing that, which made the depression quite a bit stronger. Last night I got a weird feeling that I haven't had in a long time, I thought hard about the "girl of my dreams"

     I'm in love with this girl, she's the most beautiful natural red head who has a very creative artistic side, who's quirky, who is not pushy or too aggressive but is in no way a push over either, she's got walls built up emotionally that hides her overzealous romantic side that not many (if any) have seen, she can do pretty much anything and have a good time, at times she can be the most optimistic person alive and at times needs me to be that for her, she's broken in some ways and she's unbreakable in some ways and she's deep and gorgeous to me no matter what. As specific as that is, I have no idea who or where she is or if she even exists.
     That's the strongest driving force I've ever experienced and I'm torn between how much I love her before even knowing her and the thought that she doesn't exist and I'm worthless without her.

     This is another late night rant that hopefully helps the positive in me to outweigh the negative.