Where do I go from here??

     So here I am. I Seemingly made up of molecules, awkwardness and contradiction. I was saved in 2001, I accepted Jesus in my heart and still fully believe that I cannot save myself. I accepted and still accept that Jesus is the only way to go to heaven. And at the same time, I have such giant conflicts in my head, things that may never change.

     Now before you say something about being born this way or that I should just not listen to anyone else's opinion, believe me I have thought about all of this. And I am not gonna say I'm perfect at this but I try to do my own things when I know they're the right things to do or when it's something I enjoy or want to do. BUT...my opinions on those two arguments are well thought out and I've played out maybe every single conversation about them possible:
     1. I do believe I was born this way just the same as some people were born gay or straight...and before any Christian friends get upset, I want to clarify that being "born that way" does not mean what you think it means. A person can be born with a a specific desire (such as my desire to eat a million Reese's Peanut Butter Cups)

     We can also be born with an innate desire to hurt people or to commit certain sins or to not like summertime. Being "born that way" is treated like some superpower by non Christians and they try to use that phrase to excuse their actions or their unwillingness to stop themselves from indulging in whatever they want. That's not always a good thing.

     And for the argument that we should not listen to anyone else and do what we want, that notion can be good at times (like when we're scared to speak up at a time that we need to) but it can also be a very selfish and immature philosophy. If you're Tom Hanks and you live completely alone on an island then you should not worry about anyone else...

...but since that's almost totally not true about anyone reading this, you probably have some friends or family that deserve to at least know what's going on in your life. If you have any relationship that yu value, thy deserve to hear something that will affect their life. And you may not want to admit it but your life changing decision WILL affect their life.

     Now I understand some people have a lot of hatred and have to fight through that to stay alive or come to terms with their own lives, I'm not necessarily talking about those cases with those two rebuttals to those arguments.

     Alright so after all that is said, I am left trying to understand my feelings and the truth and my depression and suicidal thoughts and fears and an excitement that I want and a multitude of other emotions and thoughts but not quite as many answers. I am currently trying to pray and put my faith in God and trying to lean on my friends and trying to be strong enough to make decisions and stick to them when they're right. It's not always easy and I'm not expecting to get some magical easy button answer any time soon.

     I can say some things definitively: I know who I am and what I like and what I think. I know that I am transgender and I do not believe it's against church or God to go through with transitioning for non sexual reasons (I am not interested in being with men, in fact I am not interested in being in any relationships) and I know that whether this a mental disorder or a body dis morphia  or for whatever reason that I'm going through this, it is not going to go away. I've felt this disconnect since I was at least 4 years old and have been dealing with it all through my childhood, it's gotten stronger and more relevant throughout my adult life too.

     Well, that's where I am right now and that's what's on my mind currently. A lot of that sounds more negative than positive so I want to end this with the happy stuff:

     I have been painting my nails and learning about makeup and I LOVE IT! I love the ability to express myself and be creative with nail polish! I am also blown away by the support of my friends, even the ones that disagree with my decision so far have been amazingly helpful and delicate with me and sweet. I can't thank you all enough for loving me, it means the world to me.

Opening Up: The Deepest, Darkest Secret I've ever had.

     I've got a story for anyone reading this that might surprise you or scare you or disgust you...or maybe intrigue or bore you. I have no idea how you're going to take this but it's the realest form of me that there is and I'm going to share it. If you decide not to be my friend after reading this or you decide you can't handle this issue, I understand. I just ask that you be respectful in doing anything you choose to do.

     First let me say: I have not been honest with pretty much anyone on the unfiltered true version of me. I promise there was no intent to lie, even though honestly I lied to myself for a long time and even when I realized the truth about myself I still denied it and tried to fool myself by burying it deep down and ignoring it. It'll make more sense as this goes on, trust me.

     Let's start at the beginning: When I was very little, around 2 or 3 years old, I had a moment that I still remember to this day. It's actually my second oldest memory that I have. I remember being in my mom's room and finding a pair of her boots, they were fuzzy on the inside and were brown. I picked them up, knowing very very well that boys don't wear those kinds of things.

   But I also remember thinking about how I really wanted to wear them and feel like...well, not what I was. I remember knowing that I wasn't supposed to feel that way and think that way but I did. At 2 or 3 years old I was too afraid to tell anyone because I knew boys wear boy things and girls wear girl things. I was scared and pushed that thought down and didn't do anything about it.

     Over the next few years, I had many random moments when I saw girls doing things that I remember clearly wishing I could take part in but I had to play with toys that I was supposed to play with. For the record, I always hated GI Joe, transformers and tools. Yet I said nothing and got toys like that. There were toys I did play with and have fun, it wasn't like torture all the time. I played with Thundercats and He-man toys, which were both my favorites for a while, but for the most part I wanted to play with...other things.

     So for my younger years (between about ages 6 - 12) I tried constantly to have fun with things like GI Joe toys and cartoons. The whole time I was so embarrassed to be honest with parents or friends because I knew it was a shameful thing to want to play with dolls and fashion and the things that girls played with. Makeup was a huge fascination for me, second to things that accentuated feminine features.

   This brings me to 13 years old, and to be as delicate as I can about this stage as I can, I started to understand the physical side of life. My imagination has always been very vivid and I'm sure you can guess what any 13 year old boy has n his mind at 13 so...fantasies were rampant with me.

   My earliest fantasies were very specific and they centered around a beautiful woman forcing me to ac as a girl. I actually saw a board game cover once with a rich looking woman on it and for so long she was the center of my fantasies, she'd kidnap me and force me to wear makeup and big frilly dresses and drug me so I wouldn't do anything or try to get away. In this fantasy, over time I would have to accept my new life and would eventually forget that I wasn't that rich woman's daughter or whatever. Dirty, right? There was actually a time when my mind was innocent and pure.

   I only tell that because I want to describe how my mind took in everything. At first I just hated playing with toys I didn't truly want, then my imagination created a force scenario so I could justify changing genders without me having to actually do it myself. My fantasies did turn more adult in the next few years but there's no need to get into that here, the only part that needs to be added here is the progression: my fantasies turned sexual but always revolved around me being forced or seduced into being feminized. And the more I buried the truth of wanting to be female, the more it became depraved and dark.

   Around my 19th year, I got into church. And things seemed to be getting better...for a while. I met good men who were good fathers and I started to see what good families look like, I even snuck into a house surrounded by a great family. But...there's always a but, there was still this other side of me that I was burying deep.

   Depression sprinkled itself throughout my whole life, I remember being about 7 or 8 and trying to climb out a window to jump while my biological parents fought downstairs and I remember when I was living at someone's house and considering taking a bunch of pills just to stop the hurt. Obviously I did not go through with either but those kinds of feelings took over at times and depression was and is always with me.

   Alright so I ended up going to a bible college, suppressing this part of me the whole time. After that I bounced around a lot and couldn't even think about anything, let alone think about what I am or feel like I am. It was't for another 12 years before I even thought about my gender and what's going on in my head. All I knew was I distanced myself from everyone and I was less and less okay with anything.

   A few years ago, I started asking questions but ONLY asking anonymous people. I went on websites where my identity could not possibly be traced and asked people who transitioned what they went through, most of them only gave half decent advice that I still see as immature. Their advice usually consisted of: be you and do whatever you want and if anyone disagrees with you or doesn't want you to do absolutely anything you want then f**k 'em. And in my opinion, only immature people ignore everyone in their lives just to do what they want. Everything I do affects the people closest to me and treating those people with such disrespect is taking their entire friendship for granted, like they owe me something. Not cool.

   Even though the majority said basically the same thing, I did glean a few bits of understanding from all of that and began to know a little more about myself. I even found a transgender youtuber that I was/am a big fan of who is political, smart and understands that she is biologically a male and always will be but she does her best to feel comfortable with that knowledge. 

   I started telling my close friends about me and since then I've been exploring every avenue of transgendered people. Watching documentaries, reading journals from doctors and psychologists and Christians and atheists and as many medical reports and articles as I could find. And after all that, I learned about a place near me that deals with Trans people and I made an appointment there. It took me months to even get that and it's not for a few months from the moment I'm writing this right now (Monday July 24th 2017) so I'm waiting to go and start my transition.

   So this is the real me: Layla Lee Gilmore.

A Few Memories of Epic Proportions!

     So one night, I was babysitting this little baby girl and a boy who has been one of my best friends since his first birthday. She was...one, I think and it was at late night. I was watching some horror movie and heard a noise that I never ever like hearing, a sad cry. Now there are a few different cries, some are annoying and some cause sympathy and then there's the worst kind: a sad cry. This little girl had a "night terror" and was crying hysterically.

     I was in the basement and couldn't run fast enough to get to her, this little princess' cry, especially the sad cry, was and is the worst sound I could possibly hear so I got to her and picked her up. Something about this little angel: I have never had kids myself but I know the feeling that nothing matters more than a baby's happiness and well being and when I held her I knew that not a single thing mattered more than making her feel better. The light in her room was dim and I rocked her a little for a little while to get her to stop sad crying. While rocking her, I sang some songs to try and relax her.

I wasn't used to doing this so I came up blank on songs so I sang the songs that come naturally to me...so please don't make too much fun of me. I sang a few Saturday morning cartoon songs, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Ninja Turtles and maybe a few others. She still cried but was slowly calming down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs and just a few words in she stopped crying loudly, her little cheeks were soaked by tears but she yawned and looked up at me. My heart absolutely melted and I smiled a smile that only she can get out of me (and she still does to this day) and I kept singing.

     "...take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..." And I know the song's meaning but in that moment I understood what a parent feels like when they say they love their kids. I sang the rest of the song and she yawned her little tiny yawns and even smiled a little as I finished (probably because I was done singing, hahaha)

And as I laid her down in her crib, I saw love in a way I had never experienced before. Knowing that I stopped her sad cry meant more to me than any amount of money or any accomplishment I did for myself, her not being sad...that made my heart melt like nothing could.

     Another memory that will last a lifetime:

I was at work one day and I forget what exactly happened but someone was messing with me, trying to get me to fight them. I am not one to get into fist fights if there's a way to talk things out or even yell things out so the fact that the person got me to the point of almost engaging was really impressively bad. That day my friend was picking me up from work and she pulled up moments before a possible fight. 

Normally I would sit in the passenger's seat but this day my friend saw how upset I was and made me get in the middle seat in her minivan. I was annoyed that she wouldn't let me in the front but I got in and in the opposite middle seat was this infant, maybe around the same time as the previous story. I was so worked up, just about nothing could calm me down..or so I thought. 

     I looked over at the baby and saw that little baby girl's smile and even though I was ready to get into a fight moments ago, she smiled and the whole world seemed to stop being so negative. Again, her happiness was so much more important than some fight or whatever that person did or said. It was as if God personally spoke through that tiny little angel directly to me. Her laugh healed my anger. That little girl that I lovingly call "Spazz" is and has always been an angel to me.

     And the last Epic Story:
Skipping ahead a few years, I was visiting my friends ending up there late. I hadn't lived with them for a while and my friend stepped outside when I heard that same cry from that same girl, about 6 years older by now. She again had a night terror and I again, went to her as fast as I could and again she was crying that sad cry that hurts my heart so much. I picked her up and walked her down to the basement where I was watching a movie and she sat on my lap.

Through tears, I whispered nice things to her and calmed her out of her hysteric crying. Then she give me a kiss on my cheek and put her little head on my shoulder and in a few minutes fell asleep. I remember this moment because at the time I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and she treated me like I was supposed to be there. There wasn't weirdness and she didn't take away her trust in me, it was just there.

I picked her up and walked her back to bed and she slept through the night. I took a picture because her head on my shoulder meant more to me than any amount of money that has ever or will ever exist. That little girl is my heart and soul personified.

Thank you, God for this little angel. 

Who Do I look Up To

     So I just read a blog written by a little girl who passed away years ago. She was 14 when she wrote the blog and 16 when she passed away. The scary thing is just how positive and smart this little girl was. Reading about how she looked up yo her older sister, it made me think about the people in my life that I've looked up to or looked to in need and who was/is there.

     I can think of many who have been there for me and haven't left me hangin, many friends who have sacrificed and still treated me like family. I, of course, think of Glenn, Dana and Mikey. They have been my backbone when I didn't have it in myself to go on. Glenn and Dana's kids, Mykaah, Tre and Reese have all been my angels, I mean that in a very real sense. Tre shows me constantly that friendship and family exist and that love is stronger than anything else. Mykaah...I cannot express how much she means to me. I can remember many times where just seeing her of hearing her voice made my world a better place or when I was on the edge of something very very bad when I saw her in her car seat or heard her run up and give me a big hug, that absolutely brings me back from any edge. And Reese, who I love to pieces. He's smart and I hope to be a part of him becoming a great person someday, I know he will be.

     Steve, Debbie, Caleb and Emily have all played a part in me making it this far. Each has taken time or has done something that has helped make me a better person. Their kids, Gabby and Aria, have been blessings a lot. Kari and Josh accepted me instantly and let me in their lives, they treated me like I have always been "in" with them. And Dylan, Elijah and Liam are amazing people. They're all going to be great for this world, God is making sure of that.

     Then there's Ruth who may not have given birth to me but she's my mom. I have never met a single person who is as giving and caring and loving...not even close. She's stronger than anyone I know and has more love than all of this world combined. I love her so so much, some nights I just think how do I get to be lucky enough to even know she exists, let alone that I can text her when I want to say I love you or thank you for being you.

     Joe has been a great role model, I don't know if he knows but  look up to him a lot. I am so proud of him for being who he is. The funny thing is he comes off kinda tough and grumpy sometimes but he has a heart of gold, a heart that he let God fix in a lot of ways.

     Brandon, Ally, Nick, Mike R, Mikey R, Monica, Vicky, Jeff, Gwenn, Skyler, Kimberly, Kameryn, Bri, Brayden, Lexi, Johnny B, James B, Nicole S, Meghan, Charissa, Dori, Jake, Codi, LeeAnn, Nate, Shawna and about three thousand other people should be mentioned here have all been awesome friends/family.

     There have been a few people who have meant a lot to me who I've dated that I wish I could let them know the good things I think of them, Renee, although things ended beyond just badly, showed me a lot of things and helped me in a lot of ways she'll never know. I see such potential in her and hope she succeeds in life.

     There's another woman who years ago meant a lot to me and I hope the best for her, she and I went to college together and I knew then and I know now she's a great person who is currently making this world a better place (I don't think I'm stretching the truth when I say I'm pretty sure she is currently doing great things. I don't know for sure but I believe I'm right about her.)

     And the ast person I want to mention is someone who probably doesn't even remember my name but she'll always be my first love. Tiffany will always have a piece of my heart. No matter what.

The Suicide Journal: Drive vs. Depression

     It's Wednesday July 29th at 3:21 am and I'm torn between hope and despair. What's new, right? Well the answer to that is...nothing. I'll start with the negative to get it out of the way then go with the positive.

     The negative is that lately things seem to be collapsing on me, and the worse part is it seems to be happening in slow, motion. My life monetarily reminds me of Mario Bros, the moment you jump off an edge and realize immediately that you're not going to make it to the other side. At the moment you're alive but you know you're going to die in a few moments and no matter what you do it's not going to fix things.

My job has gone from something I really enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job) to something that drives me bonkers in the worst way. I'm a cashier who is reliant on customers to want to pay for upgrades to memberships, if they do not and I don't sell many then I get in trouble. I don't have the heart to sell it to people who wouldn't benefit from it, I'm clearly not a salesman at heart. My only desire is to help people and for a while that translated into enough sales to keep my bosses happy but recently it just hasn't so...unhappy bosses equals unhappy employee.

     And depression has been growing stronger recently too. In some ways I've become more introverted than I have been in years. I've worked very hard to get away from introverticity (all rights reserved, new word) and to have that deep painful feeling that makes me unable physically to speak to certain people or at certain times is just plain annoying. I feel like there's a piece of metal sewn to my lips when I want to talk to certain bosses or any time I have to interrupt anyone. Ohhh THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I wish I could just break through that permanently, anyone else feel that way? For a long time I thought I was the only person on the planet to get that feeling.
     My non existent life is getting to me more and more too. It's like if I had something to look forward to then things like my job or my unluck at stupid games or whatever would not be nearly as painfully maddening to me. I don't mean looking forward to things like...a day trip or something like that anymore, I need something bigger and important to me to look forward to. I feel like ten years ago day trips to NYC or Philly would have been enough to keep my heart going but now? Now I just plain need more.

     Want a great example of my need for something to look forward to in a way? Ok, take any day off and give me no plans: I get up whenever and maybe lay in bed for a few hours reading and rereading my friends' facebook status' over and over then eventually I may get up and play a video game or eat a snack and then maybe I'll go out if someone texts me and basically begs me to do something. Now take that same day and give me something to make me feel important, babysitting or someone wants my help with something: I get up early, eat, get a shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, ride my bike to wherever I need to go and do what it takes to get the job done. But alas...I'm usually doing the first option here.

     Ok now that the negative thoughts are out of the way, I'll get to the positive. I've always had one thing that has kept me going, one thing that has been such a strong passionate desire that it has been easily twice as strong as any depression in me: the desire to find "the one". A while ago I started kinda losing that, which made the depression quite a bit stronger. Last night I got a weird feeling that I haven't had in a long time, I thought hard about the "girl of my dreams"

     I'm in love with this girl, she's the most beautiful natural red head who has a very creative artistic side, who's quirky, who is not pushy or too aggressive but is in no way a push over either, she's got walls built up emotionally that hides her overzealous romantic side that not many (if any) have seen, she can do pretty much anything and have a good time, at times she can be the most optimistic person alive and at times needs me to be that for her, she's broken in some ways and she's unbreakable in some ways and she's deep and gorgeous to me no matter what. As specific as that is, I have no idea who or where she is or if she even exists.
     That's the strongest driving force I've ever experienced and I'm torn between how much I love her before even knowing her and the thought that she doesn't exist and I'm worthless without her.

     This is another late night rant that hopefully helps the positive in me to outweigh the negative.

The Suicide Journal 1: Selfishness

     Suicide, the nastiest of words when depression is mentioned. It's the end of the line for "calls for help" and people lately have been more talking about it.

     I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and pressure for as long as I can remember, I'm going to outline and share some of my life leading up to this moment. At a very young age, I can remember realizing that it was possible to opt to end life rather than continue suffering. At about 8 years old I remember one day when I was sent to my biological father's room while my mother and he argued. Now at the time all I thought about was that I could watch the movie that I was told I wasn't allowed to watch, THEM.

I started being sneaky and enjoying my movie when I heard yelling, it was normal at first as I've heard parents fighting many times. I remember turning the tv up in disgust and eventually started doing the opposite and listening to the fight, like the stereotypical little kid sitting at the top of the stairs paying full attention to his parents fight

     I was entertained in a morbid way for a while but it turned so negative when someone threw something or broke something. That scared me straight out of my seat and I ran back to his room. I remember being in there, panicking and pacing around the room, thinking what if one hurts the other or what if they leave me there alone or the police show up...etc.

In my fear and panic and anger, I started trying to think of a way out (at the time I had no idea what that meant, I wasn't thinking about dying exactly, I just didn't want to be there right at that moment) then I heard the yelling and breaking get louder and I looked at the window of my biological father's room and decided to jump out. I thought it would stop the fight or I'd get away from it; either way it was a way out of that moment.

     Looking back, I was deciding to die rather than finishing that night out. That was the first time death had become an option in my mind, subconsciously, and it still is one of the most prominent memories I have defining my childhood and my blood parents in my life. So there's my introduction to suicide before I even knew what it was or the actual impact it had on my psyche even now.

     Later in life, I had moved around many times and had to deal with finding out my biological father didn't want me and finding out he had other kids he had eliminated form his life and my mom had come to a point where she chose her boyfriend over me. I moved in with my Uncle and a new phase in my life begun, starting a whole wild and deeply scarring tragic section of my life.

     My teen years, my high school years and the beginning of my romantic life all SUCKED. I mean the worst things that could have happened did exactly that. High school was as bad as it could have been between being invisible to the people that mattered to me and being made fun of by the people who mattered to the people that mattered to me and the fact that I was painfully shy and introverted in most situations, I couldn't win for winning. Looking back at my Riverside High school time, I an't think of one minute I was happy to be there or even okay with myself in any way.

The only romances I experienced were: a girl I had a crush on for years and never got the courage to even tell her (which was the right choice, Kelly never would have been interested in me) and the girl I eventually dated, which was because she was the only girl that would date me. We were absolutely not right for each other and ended one night when she threatened to kill herself because of me, a lie to try to manipulate me. So...there's my high school years as a student and boy.

     Now as a family member through that same time it was a scary time to be human. My Uncle was barely around, which later showed me he was addicted to drugs. My grandmother was constantly drunk and abusive, which had been forced into the motherly role in her 60's and then the random other family members who came to stay at my Uncle's house when they had nowhere to go. And since it was easier to pretend they all didn't exist, I escaped into hockey and didn't do anything else.

     Skip ahead a few years later, I had just gotten into church and was trying again in life. It was a very late start but it was huge that I was actually trying. So I went tot a snow camp with my church, on the way back I experienced the most emotional  and sweet time I've ever known in my short time on earth. We get back and I helped my friends get their stuff from the bus and walked back to my house on cloud 9, I'm feeling like I can take on anything...and then...I found what I was asking for but was NOT ready for at all.

     To make this long story a little shorter, I found out my Uncle had attempted suicide while I was away. He survived that night although I didn't stay to find that out then, I found out the next morning and my great friends took me to the hospital to see him. But at the time I went from the highest I've ever been emotionally to the worst point I could imagine (and this is a life where I was at a few really low points so to say I went to the lowest means a lot)

     Skipping many years later, I have been dealing with suicidal desires for years and have since dealt with a second and ultimately successful attempt by my Uncle to end his life AND a close friend who committed suicide.

     Here's where the selfishness comes in: there is a part of me that has been wanting to get out of the life that I destroyed years ago and have been barely living. Ya know the saying, "you made your bed, now time to lie in it" well that's where I was and I thought seriously about just killing myself and ending the pain I have been taking over and over for years. I used the metaphor of a boxing match as my life for years and that was not worth continuing.

     In 2013 on my birthday it hit me that my Uncle was gone and I had no one that loved me (I'm not talking about friends,  have the best friends I could possibly have) and I had to celebrate my birthday, which I have NEVER had to celebrate without my Uncle. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and just never stop dreaming and never have to get up and deal with the people in my life, and never deal with the negativity that seemed and seems inevitable and I didn't want to have to be an adult and do things with just no help mentally.

     There are other parts to my psychology suicidally but selfishness is definitely part of it all.

I'm still here though and that's pretty big...to be continued

Self Image

     I'm going to share my opinion of myself with no restrains. I'm not saying this to get any sympathy because I don't deserve any, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head or else...well truly or else nothing but it'll stay with me. And that's a very bad thing.

     I used to view myself as a metaphor, a boxing match.

Credit: Julie Snyder

I used to have a fight in me that was like an optimistic boxer, that never give up attitude even when taking blows or not having the upper hand. I saw my life as a grudge match that in the end would leave me scarred and brain damaged to the point of no return, but there would be some moral victory because I would have had something to show for it like a family or a career or some great legacy that I'd leave behind. So far, the 33 years I've been on planet Earth have not proven any of this to be true so...

     My self image changed over a few years. I decided somewhere along the lines that maybe the reason things never went well for me were that I was cursed, like maybe I had some good looking  and deep soul hidden under a rough scary exterior that freaked people out. That's where my self image changed into that of another cursed character: Angel.

Credit: Joss Whedon's Angel

     Angel was a character that got a spin off show from the Joss Whedon TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, his back story portrayed him as a good guy who was turned into this evil creature and someone he hurt as this evil creature caught him and put a curse on him that he'd basically be the good guy he truly is but be hurt knowing what he's done as a vampire. He stopped doing evil things, denying himself of the pleasure he craves, with one stipulation: if he experiences true happiness the curse will break and he'll become the evil creature he doesn't want to be.

     So I thought for a while I looked at myself like a great person who was cursed. I have social awkwardness that I cannot understand or explain fully, I have constant in-my-face abandonment issues that haunt me day and night, I have the inability to make the right decisions (when I decide to do something I find out I should not have and when I don't do something, I realize too late that I should have done said thing) and I've been hampered by a slew of childhood trauma that still cripples me today. 

All of these have made me somewhat hard to get close to and each thing makes me want to be close to people (mainly someone to love and be loved by) but the longer that doesn't happen, the worse each issue gets. Example: I have abandonment issues so I try to find someone to love and when I get rejected the abandonment feeling gets worse which makes it hard for me to try but the more I don't try, the worse it gets. The more I feel further from love, the further I am able to be to anyone and the abandonment issues become even worse. Oh and one of the keys to this philosophy is that the best way to love someone is to keep them away from me. Just like David Boreanaz's character.

     For a while I connected my problems with the idea that I am something worth love stuck under a curse...but...the problem with that mentality is it glorifies me in a way that I'm not. That gave me this thought that I deserve someone to love me because I am a good looking guy with good thoughts and a good personality, which I do not and I am not. I am not some saint that has no blame in his situation other than the repercussions that come from everything. 

I used that to take no responsibility and because of that, I lived a fake life. I only experienced things through tinted glasses that showed me what I wanted to see. 

The Office's Steve Carell

     For a while I thought that but time, rejection and failure clobbered a lot of that ideology in me. The thought that I was a good person, that I wasn't as ugly as I thought gave me a hope that someone would see through the curse and give me a real chance. They'd have to see through my mistakes and ugliness and emptiness and desperation and awkwardness...but that's only if there's something under that anymore. I feared bitterness had dissolved the positivity in me and life was/is absolutely not worth it because of that. 

     Suicide became a theme in my life for a while, other people's and my attempts. I figured if the only way to love people is to keep them away from myself than an even better way to love my friends is to take myself out of the equation. I didn't and don't want to end myself but if all I do is hurt others and all I do is ruin things for everyone and anyone else, than the greater good is more important, right?

      ...that makes sense, right? That is logical and I get to be a hero...in my mind. People would be hurt for a few days, maybe a few weeks then move on and I would have removed my future ruination of their lives. Makes sense....RIGHT??! (I know, it makes sense in an illogically logical way and not a smart mentality to follow)

     Through a near death and a promise I made, I came to the conclusion that I will not end myself. Little things got a tiny bit better and I thought maybe life would get better 

Little things started going in my favor in small ways and I started to unclench a little. I even started trying things new things more (including online dating and trying to talk to girls more) I EVEN started to have a self image better than the previous ones for a little bit. To make a long story a little less long, I met someone online and even considered that I might have had a chance at being happy with her...

     Then I ruined it...and the worst part is it wasn't because of some curse or some ugliness that I'm hidden under. It was because I am a monster. I'm an ugly, scarred, bitter, hurt, rude person. I let her see the real me (which everyone says 'be the real you') I hurt her with my self image, my inability to love or be loved, my abandonment issues and my so strong desire to be with her that I strangled her in a matter of a two hour text conversation. 

     So I sit here now...knowing that I am not cursed, cursed means there was something beautiful covered by ugliness...I am not cursed, I am just disgusting and...and...so, so alone. I'm not entirely sure what to do now, go live in a cave somewhere? Move away and just not get to know anyone so no one can be hurt by me? Try to fill my void by buying things and doing enviable things? And the momentary million dollar question: should I hurt Delilah (not her real name) at the moment by cutting her off in order to save her from me in the future? Do I love her the only way I know how and scare her away?