What I truly think of me (warning, it's not good)

      What do I think it me. I think about this question, the reason for why I think the way I do and I often wonder how close I am too the truth. Like, I'm sure my view is bent in a direction and I can't even conceive of things any other way; we all have opinions that no one could change our minds about.

     Be warned, this is going to be brutal honesty and will have language, mention violence and is going to be just plain mean about me. Don't read is you can not handle the darkness that feels in me every minute of every day. 

I think I am the worst being that God has ever created. I don't mean living right now or excluding actual monsters...I mean I believe that there has never been a creation that has ever been worse than three I've typing this journal entry right now. Worse than Hitler, Ted Bundy and even the Pittsburgh Penguins. (If I don't add some kind of humor right now, I might actually break down)

If there was some sort of measurement of how worthless, horrible and unlovable everything ever created, every single thing would be above me. And not by just a little bit. For example, I truly believe that if Jeffrey Dahmer were resurrected today, changed his lifestyle and was on a social media platform, he could convince people to live him BEFORE I could be loved or worth anything. I believe that Hitler has made more of a positive impact on this universe than I ever could. I always tell friends and acquaintances that they deserve love, they can beat positive force in this universe and they cannot make a difference. I tell them that and I mean it with my full heart. If anyone ever read this who has heard any of this from me, it is true. I believe every ounce of that...for you. If you have never met me and you're reading this, I have enough faith that you can do so much good here to move mountains. And I have the same amount of faith in the fact that I am the most worthless garbage that has ever roamed this earth.

I know that sounds bad, and I wish I could defend it in a way that you'd understand...but I can't. I'll try but the majority can't understand what it feels like to realize just how bad I am.

There are people who have never met me, people who will never interact with me who are negatively affected by the curse that is me. Every friend I've ever had, everyone I've ever let into my personal life and everyone who has ever tried to help me or invited me into their life has felt a touch of my curse and has left me or backed away from me. And what I have seen with my own eyes is when people are around me, thru are cursed; things happen that no one can explain and it's always on the negative side of luck. And as soon as they cut me out or step away from me, that curse leaves with me. They don't always want to admit it because it's not nice to say but the truth is the truth. My mere existence hurts people down to their soul.

Now, I've wrestled with this thought so much it's insane: every week, every day, every single second that I'm here, everyone on earth is hurt in some way. Whether it's deeply like losing money from cars breaking down mysteriously and frequently or small ways like suddenly things happen that hit them right in the heart...it always happens and always gets better the moment they walk away from me.

     So why do I think this, you say? Well from the moment I was born I was thrown around from adult to adult. No one wanted me and I was a burden to literally everyone who had to deal with me. I don't mean like I was a terrible two kinda kid, it was just the fact that they were stuck with me ruined their life. I've heard multiple people (my birth father being the first one of many) say they didn't want me when asked to take care of me or add me to their life in any way. 

     I'm 40 years old and I still remember the inflections in his voice when my biological father said on the phone he didn't want me. He was asked to take me in when I was...4? I think I was 4. I ended up being forced on him when I was 5 and staying there about 3 years before he couldn't stand me and forced my biological mother to take me. During that time, I had a best friend. Benji. Benji and I were best friends, I looked at him and thought he was going to be my life long partner in crime at every age. I knew him for 9 years, we were born at the same time and always got the same presents and lived 25 seconds away from each other. I moved away and THE FIRST weekend I went back to visit; not even 7 full days later, the first thing I did was went to Benji's house and he had his friends there and he told me (in 8 year old vernacular) that I wasn't welcome in his group. I walked around the corner to my biological fathe's house devastated. I looked at Benji like he was the best friend I had...and it took him less than 7 days to completely move on from my friendship too the point where I couldn't even come back and enter his friends circle. 

I remember so many different times like this and started to realize that every time some one had me in their life, things got considerably worse for them. And they thrived in such a great way when I left or when they took me out of their e life quation.

I know it sounds mean but...the facts don't lie. And then when I got a little older I noticed a new curse, any time I met someone who I truly had feelings for ended up meeting 'the one' as soon as they got away from me. This course is a one hundred percent full proof curse (or blessing of you're someone I've had real feelings for ever)

I don't believe anyone has ever actually loved me romantically so I can't really say that anyone has ever had to live me in order to get this blessing but I can say that every single person over ever had true feelings for (100% not 99.9%) is married right now and happy. Every. Single. One. And even the most recent interest of mine, I recently overheard she is getting married. Someone who never have me one second of positive attention, who I truly had deep feelings for...getting married.

So looking at all this, three only way I could be any kind of positive force in this universe is when my heart gets absolutely shredded. And as much as I can handle emotionally, that's probably one of the few things I can't handle. I don't think I can handle one more heart break, not even one more. Anna with that being said, it seems logical that every day that I'm still alive, I'm hurrying an entire universe. Every  day I exist, people are feeling the curse that haunts me. And every time I take the air, physical time and space from potentially someone else, I'm selfishly wasting life energy that someone else deserves. I'm hurting people who will have no interaction with me, people who live in other countries somehow are affected by the curse that is me.

And when I'm gone? Cures will be invented, grass will stay green and everyone in the whole world will just feel better. Everyone and everything in the entire world will heal and live and be...better. My grotesque, cursed, destructive existence will not be here to infect anything.

I have no idea what to do with this information that runs through my head day and night and it's on another realm or another plane of existence, so it's not the surface level or anything but on some level, this is what's here. I would be crying right now but my black dead heart has run out of tears, I've cried about this fact so many times as a kid and young adult. I'm just empty, like I ran out of hurt. It's a thousand times worse than hurting, knowing that it's so bad that if the idea of pain was personified it would be too hurt to go on based on how much brokenness is in me. Since no one will actually read this, I can't apologize and honestly I don't think there are words that would do justice anyway, I guess I shouldn't even try. At least it's written that I know and I am living in sorrow for all humanity and all of existence. I will try to distance myself from all things living, dead and other in your honor. Maybe not physically but on some realm I promise to try to get far enough from everyone and everything to limit the hurti would inflict on it all. You all. 

On this realm, I'm going to try my greatest to do more good than harm no matter how ties I am or how much it takes out of me. If I go full speed ahead, trying to add positive force until I burn out and destroy myself and never try find out expect anything good to come my way, maybe that will counter my curse on this universe. 

The end?

The Monster

 

     So I've spent the last 24 hours looking for something from god, some reason to keep going on or some sign that he doesn't hate me and honestly looking for a way out of this life. 

I thought of he shows me he cares or gives me summer kind of real help (praying that the sun comes up isn't really help and I'm sick of these little tiny possible signs to answer big giant life wrecking problems)

I ended up not finding a way out of life yesterday, I'm still here and what do I wake up to? What answer do I get to 'does god at least not hate me?' I wake up to find the ONLY thing that has ever been physically successful in my entire miserable life gone.

You may call it stupid or not very important or whatever but my TikTok account with over 60,000 followers was the most successful thing I've ever been a part of, ever. By a lot.

Every job I've had, even ones i didn't hate, I've been a failure at. Every attempt to make something, every little venture I've ever dreamed of has ended in complete failure.

Some was because I didn't try hard enough and some have Benn because I didn't know what I was doing our I didn't have the resources or many reasons like that, reasons that I'm at fault; some more than half...a lot of reasons were god. God has fine a lot to prove he hates me, he wants me stuck in the disgusting pit he's forced me in my whole life.

The minute I was born, I was given a disadvantage with an abusive hateful family. None of them ever wanted me, never knew how to love each other and definitely didn't know how to love me. I can remember so many times where I was proven at a very young age that I'm not worth anything to people, from being left at places by patents to seeing best friends tell me to go away to having the only girl I ever truly loved drop me.

Every single positive thing in my life has been immediately countered by something so big (whether it's big because I wanted it so badly or big in terms of something everyone sees as big) that I can't come back from, something I couldn't stop.

I don't know if god hates me, wants me to be hiring or of he just doesn't care what happens to me but he's definitely had a hand in how things turn out and it's definitely always ended against me. I don't know how to keep responding when each thing hits harder than the next.

As a nine or ten year old I realized that any time I was given a very small blessing of any kind, it was met with a giant painful tragedy and it's almost immediate every time.

I renewed being young, around 10, I had what I thought was the best day playing with friends. I don't remember what we did or what happened but I felt like I was on top of the world.

I came inside, a place I thought was 'my home' and my birth mother's boyfriend was sitting on the couch with a large knife. It was covered with something red.

I stopped with terror, all things from that day vanished in an instant. I felt heaviness of whatever was going on. At 9 years old I felt the heaviness of the cold real world. All the innocence of a 1992 ten year olds building forts/running around playing games drained from me in that very spot withy the front door still opened.

He looked at me, told me to shut the door we need to talk. I did and sat on the floor, my normal sitting spot. He told me he and my mom had a fight. (Normal, I thought) but this one was different. Worse. They fought to a point he'd never seen before.

She was violent. He was angry. They threw things and screamed hate. The fact that he pointed out this fight was like nothing before terrified me. I heard every fight, I was used to screaming the worst things at each other. He said she took "this knife" and waves it at him.

Then he told me she was done. She put it to her own neck and sliced. Eat to ear was the phrase he used. He said she was dead in the other room and he didn't know what to do. I froze, unable to breathe, unable to run, unable to feel the tears running down my face. My mom, who I had always wanted to love...she was...dead. I looked around and stuttered trying to chime up with some response to that. What do you say to that? I still, at 40 years old, have no idea what to say to that.

Then just as I was about to scream, my mother walked out of the bedroom. She was fine. No cuts, no knife wounds. Not even an angry face. She likes like she was getting ready for work or to make dinner or something menial like that. She didn't realize I was more terrified than I had ever been, she walked by me as of nothing was wrong.

I broke that day. I broke in a way I still can't and don't comprehend. 

How could someone tell a 10 year old something like that?

Why would anyone ever make a kid think that?

Why would he do that if there wasn't any kind of tragedy going on? 

     I don't know if they even had a fight. I don't know what was in that knife, what he was thinking, or what she was thinking. 

That's how that interaction ended. I went to my room frozen by inability to understand any of that and they went about their day. I never forgot that, not the day not the moment and not the feeling of being there through it all.

I've got countless other memories of moments when I was feeling on top of the world and in moments I lost everything. In fact every time I felt even kinda good about myself, something destroyed whatever made me feel good and me and everything around me.

The day my uncle hung himself (the first of two times and the only unsuccessful attempt) I went to a camp with a church I just found. I was there and had an experience I've never felt before, that snow camo gave me hope I never thought I could have and on the long bud ride back things got even better. The group I was with shared emotions, cried together, I actually felt like I was a part of the group. It was a high that I still can't understand...and then minutes after I got back...

It was like God saw that I wasn't in pain and took offense. I walked into a destroyed living room, police tape everywhere and no one home except my grandmother. She didn't talk to me or even come out of her room till hours later but I knew something was life changing bad, I felt it in my soul.

She told me my uncle hung himself and she found him. Now I know that wasn't about me in his world, but it STILL feels like God himself did that just to destroy any assemblance of goodness that built up in my life. Like he saw that I worked through abuse, I worked through being kicked out of school, I worked through never being loved, I pushed through having no friends and wanting to die every single day...and he couldn't let that happen. Like the plan is for me to never feel any kind of positivity, and the fact that I did (even see it in other people, I didn't fully experience it) made him angry. 

So from birth I've been cursed, my very existence was an insult to the God that people talk about being only good. And I've seen nothing but that being proven. Always. Like I'm the exact opposite of chosen, I was chosen to be eternally hopeless and heartless and broken and unlovable and forever a failure for everything and everyone.

Last night, June 22, 2022 I tried to save everyone. I tried to save the entire planet and make this world a bit better by taking me off of it...and I failed. I'm still here and I want to apologize to everyone alive for that.

I'm sorry. Please know that I want to make everyone's lives better. I never wanted anyone to ever be hurt or annoyed or ruined because of me. I loved do many people, so much that it hurts. And my only true desire was to be loved, in the friend/family way and romantically. But the more I see if this world, three more I comprehend the fact that the only way I can actually love anyone is by getting away from them. I don't even know if heaven or hell are far enough away from people, maybe I'll have to protect people in those places too. I don't know.

I wish I had tears right now, I wish I could tell you that I'm sobbing right this second but I'm not. I'm empty, lost to even the lost realms and my greatest fear is a cold hard truth, if I love you; if I truly love you, the best thing I can do for you is run till there is nowhere to run and then find a way to keep going further away. 

I am the monster that even Satan has nightmares about. I am worse than the most evil force that ever existed. And I hope you know...I'm sorry

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I See Things on a Deeper Level

     Friday March 25, 2022 - I'm awake a few hours before my alarm, I should be asleep but I woke up with this feeling; this 'something big is going to do something big' feeling. I don't know what that means, I wish I did. I don't know if that is some deep premonition or if I should not eat spicy food before going to sleep but this instinctive feeling woke me up from a nightmare so...here I am.

     I have this persistent desire to find this big thing that's doing big things and...help it or stop it or make it grow or chop it down...I DON'T KNOW WHAT, something.

I get these feelings, these thoughts sometimes. Always have and sometimes I fear I always will. It's like I see things on a different level than just the world we all walk on. More than just ones and zeroes or skin and bones, I see potential as real as the grass that I can touch and intentions or emotions as personal as friends I know.

I've had this ability for a long time, I remember as a kid seeing things in people; things like their heart as if they hopes and dreams right in front of me.

To give an example: in the early 90's I was a kid and I saw this commercial for some cheesy movie. Or was originally called Stepkids (later renamed Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even) and something in the commercial shouted to me that I had to see it. And I don't mean that it was week made or it was really good because...it wasn't really that good.

 

I just knew beneath the script or the plot there was something so deeply important to my being that I had to experience it. I was 9 or 10 when I went through this, not exactly something I hear 9 year olds talk about or care about. I remember thinking my destiny, my whole world, needed to see it.

And out of the experience of seeing some movie in 1991, something stuck out to me that to this day still hours depths in me that I can't explain fully: Adrienne Shelly. 

Adrienne Shelly was an actress who had depth most people don't know ever existed, and I as a small child felt that. I felt it through some movie that she didn't enjoy being a part of, and I never had the pleasure of meeting her or even being in the same area ever. But something in her acting in that movie...something touched my very soul.

Her greatest desires were, I found out in 2022 in a documentary about her, to have a daughter and to be part of something bigger than just herself. Back then I didn't know why but I felt her spirit in a way through a small role she had in that B movie and I felt as if we were not connected necessarily but we had the same kind of soul.

I watched the documentary about her murder and every single word she says, every movement she makes, I can feel her hopes and dreams as if she's telling me in specific detail in her own words.

     That's not the only time I've felt this, I randomly meet people who make me nervous or who I feel an absolute need to know. So many times I don't understand why but someone will make such a deep impression on me with only a few words or even just being near me. Sometimes I know exactly why like when it's someone to stay away from, sometimes a person's aura just feeds me in a strange way, I just want to soak up every bit of someone's energy and bathe in their thoughts, drink from their love and breathe in their every glance. 

Sometimes I only know I want to be around them and hear what their soul says to me, like some misunderstood whisperer, only I know that's not exactly how this is. I have no power or talent of any kind. It's not magic or anything that anyone else can't do, I probably went through trauma as a kid that left me sensitive to the way certain people act or speak. 

     Whatever the reason, it would be up hours early this morning and I watched a few minutes of Adrienne Shelly's last movie, Waitress. I didn't get some divine message from it, well nothing deeper than anything any person who watches it could get. The only thing that hit me right now is that I see people's souls, potential and dreams just as much as I can see their skin, clothes and hair. (Not physically, I hope that's clear. I promise I'm not crazy...I hope.)

Maybe I shouldn't write at 4 in the morning but I feel something big coming. Something that may seem like nothing on the surface but beneath that it's life changing...I just hope it's what I want it to be. ❤️

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

 Check out my online store and please consider buying something. It's all my artwork and is from my heart, thank you.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

A Late Holiday Update and Some Future Plans - January 2020

     So it's been a while and I feel it's time for a life update. And since I'm not great at keeping up with anyone, I'll just give you a quick run down of how life has been for me for the past few months.

    *I went to Hawaii in June; it was THE BEST! 

    *July, August, September and October felt like one LOOOOONNNNNG day that just wouldn't end. Work, sleep, work sleep, eat, sit down, stand up, sit down, walk over there, come back here, sleep...and pretty much repeat. I did absolutely nothing during that entire period of time.

    *November sucks bad.

    *I started a Youtube series that I will be getting back into starting in February.

    *December was disappointing weather-wise and was boring. I did do something really cool that I'll get into details about.

    *Aaaand now it's January. Based on the last 5 months, tomorrow is May 1st.

Highlights of my life here. Sounds glamorous, I know. Ok have a good day......ok, ok there's more.

BUT FIRST!!

I have a storefront I really want to share with you all.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

Please take a look and consider showing your support by showing off some #gilmore22 love and make sure you post pictures on my instagram, twitter, on here or on facebook. I also want feedback, let me know what you like or don't like in my online store. I will be adding more personal artwork and logos. Keep checking it out.

     Alright so I mentioned that I did something really cool and I HAVE to share it because it wasn't only cool and fun but it was really inspirational to me. So very early on, I decided I was going to be as "in the Christmas spirit" as I possibly could be. Something I hope for every August till about November 11th.

Here's where things get interesting: so about two weeks before that, I got into an argument with a coworker and it was pretty heated. That coworker said some things and I said somethings and we both stopped in a fairly short time but completely ignored each other after that.

For about 13 days we kept our distance, making sure to give each other dirty looks in passing or (in my case, at least) making sure to leave the break room whenever there was a potential round 2.

     Back story complete. November 1st comes around and I was determined to get into that holiday spirit. But that argument was weighing on my heart. Not because it was one sided and I was completely wrong, it was equally pretty evil and petty. My coworker wasn't cool and I defended myself with my words (neither of like fought or anything like that) but no matter who started it or who was right or who was "more wrong" I didn't want that negativity hovering above me whenever I went in to my job.

It's a place I can't avoid and that coworker isn't going anywhere any time soon so I thought about these two things and came up with an idea that I thought could possibly help my situation with said coworker and could help me get more into the Christmas spirit.

I like to draw, in case you didn't know, and so I made that coworker a Christmas card. I put as much detail as I could into it and wrote something very nice on the back. After finishing it, I was happy with how it looked and thought other close coworkers I work with would appreciate a card too. I have a team of about 8 people who I work with and so I made them each one over the next week; so by November 8th I had I think 9 or 10 cards made.

Then I thought of a few more coworkers who have made an impression on me or who I know have been having a rough time or who I think would like to get a card...so all of a sudden I started making more cards. I made probably 25-30 more over the next two weeks and kept adding more coworkers to my list. By the end of it all, I had made over ONE HUNDRED cards (I believe the full total was 125) cards on blank index cards, each one was different and I wrote something special and specific on the back of each one.

By the way, I am an introvert who has very very much trouble not making myself invisible so many people at my place of employment barely even know what my voice sounds like. 

     The week before Christmas I started giving them out and a bunch of coworkers who didn't even know my name really appreciated getting a card. Then they saw that I didn't just buy some dollar store card or even some expensive Hallmark card but rather that I made them a personalized drawing and wrote something specifically for them and that really blew a lot of people away. Oh I also put a hockey card in everyone's envelope because I'm me and I've been doing that for years.

     Here was my favorite parts of this whole endeavor:

First was a coworker who I feel gets very little recognition for all he does. I gave one coworker, who is a Vet and a great worker, and he was absolutely blown away! He thanked me and was so happy that he and his wife made sure to get a card for me on Christmas and he told me he's going to keep the one I gave him with his important documents. That alone made everything worth it!

     I have a very high and strong respect for Vets, fire fighters, police officers and anyone else who does anything that risks their life. So just the fact that he is a Vet gets my ultimate respect but this man comes to work every day, he is always on top of things, he always has a smile on even when they day sucks and he get little to no appreciation because he works in the back where few see him.

Then a few coworkers gave me gift cards, which I did not expect at all! That was really sweet.

There were a few specific humans who are employed at the same building who didn't even thank me or even look at me when I gave them the cards that took me over an hour to create. Those are the humans that...well, calling them humans was hard for me to do. I'll stop there and move on.

     And then the main event. The coworker who didn't know actually inspired 120+ Christmas cards and 2 months worth of drawing every single day after work. I walked up to the coworker I hadn't said one word to in about 3 months and said, "Um, hey. I don't mean to bother you but I have something for you." in my most confident (not confident at all) voice. I handed coworker an envelope with their name on it and said coworker looked at it skeptically.

In that split second I realized that if my coworker had ripped it up or thrown it away in front of me, I would have been absolutely and inconsolably devastated. I was so optimistic for this one coworker to be blessed by this one action that I didn't even consider rejection.

   My coworker looked at it with no emotion and then said, "You got this for me?" I said yeah.

My coworker opened it and saw that I made the card and I wrote something very nice and the reaction was visible on their face finally. And my coworker, who a week ago was ready for watch me burn, appreciated it and said Merry Christmas. It was really really great to me and I am proud to say that as of Saturday January 11th 2020 the last time I saw that coworker we said good morning to each other and talked for a minute before starting my shift on Friday.

     If that doesn't inspire positive things, then nothing will.

     Well, my immediate future plans are exciting as I'm FINALLY legally changing my name with this year's tax return money. I've been looking forward to this for a long time now and I'm happy take this next step in my journey.

My next future plan is taking a trip to visit a friend this coming summer. It's gonna be great to see a friend who I haven't seen since...maaan, maybe 2002? Maybe? I can't even remember exactly. I met her through my old church and have kept in touch through the years thank God; she's grown so much and has been a blessing in many ways. I'm eager to go see her and share our life experiences over the last bunch of years (Bessica, expect this sentence a lot, "Oh man! When I was in Hawaii...")

And finally...

     In March of 2021 is my next big trip. I'm going to visit Canada on my birthday!

     I have plans to migrate to the great country of Canada as soon as I'm able and this will be my first visit there, along with the amazing pleasure of visiting a friend there. I am so so ready to go to the Hall of Fame (I will go there from the moment they open till the moment they make me leave) and I gotta go to a Leafs game while I'm there.

I'm also stopping by a great friend's house on my way there and I'm gonna stay a few days. I miss her and her kids too much not to catch up with them on my way to the Great White North.

And my non travel future plan is Youtube. I'm going to be working very soon on all new episodes of Journey of Life and hopefully getting some decent guests and it's gonna be interesting.