I have always seen my life or my current situation as a metaphor. Usually, I used sports to describe life When I was very young, I saw my life as a mountain. I pictured this mountain as a thrill every second, constantly learning new things and seeing new sights. It was exhilarating even running into trouble because it only meant that when things worked out it would be that much more happy.Every step and every rock was like new friends and all the possibilities that were ahead of me. I imagines being the hero of my story and it felt like I was destined to win the world over.
...life didn't take long in dismantling that imagination.
A few years later, I saw my life as a boxing match. This one lasted for a long time and I felt like it was meant to be like that to make me stronger. It hurt that my family was so broken, it was like a very hard hit that nearly knocked me down. But in my mind, I was so strong, I kept positive even though my biological father never wanted me and even though I rarely got things I really wanted.
It was as if I was training for life's hardest hits, so that I could not only take the bad blows but I could succeed. Every setback only made it seem sweeter because I knew I'd overcome anything.I was determined, as a 4th or 5th grader to fight back with as much vigor as my movie hero, Rocky Balboa. I hoped my life would mirror those movies and in the end, I always expected to come out on top no matter what.
Then one day, my mom told me she was moving with her boyfriend and I had to choose to go with them or go live with the guy who had donated sperm, biological father. And that moment, while we were in her little red truck, I felt like I truly lost the match. I refused to go with either and lost control even though I kinda had some control. I lost the boxing match and that was over for good.
Then I felt like I was in a hockey game, this was my favorite analogy although it was my shortest lived of all of them. I still had some hope for a championship in life, I thought that was how life worked. You fight and have passion for things, you try and refuse to give up, you do what you can to move forward and you win in the end.
That's life right? That's what I truly thought as a kid and teenager, boy was I wrong. In hockey, I knew what to do and how to keep up with even the coolest of people. Awkwardness only occurred when the game was over and I tried to relate all of my hockey knowledge to real life. Things like: In hockey, a stay-at-home defenseman let's the offensive opponent make a first move and reacts based on that. Controlling things when you're not in control. I tried to equate that into real life, so if I had an assignment I would "play defense" by starting it early and trying to finish it as quick as possible.
In hockey, you have to know 8 or 9 steps ahead and in real life I tried to think at least a few steps ahead. I became observant and pretty much used this for only very selfish reasons but I still tried to use the "think ahead" logic in real life. I always thought this way about things, "If I do this and this happens because of my decision then that will happen and I'll have to do another thing..."
Later, I started seeing life as a hike in a heavily windy desert. I felt like I was lost and any and every direction I walked, there was the same amount of wind. Like if I turn left and started trying to push through the wind, it would get stronger till I just couldn't go any further. So I'd make a right turn and try to get out of that wind, for a few seconds I would get away from it. But not long later, it would change directions and again blow in my face. Harder and harder, whipping my cheeks and causing sand to go into my eyes till I just couldn't take any more.
Then I'd go in the opposite direction, trying to go with the flow of wind...can you guess what happened then? Yeah...same harsh winds in my face till I just was not able to go on.
The common theme in all of these is I usually feel like I have to fight so hard to do anything that even if I get what I want, it doesn't matter. For example: if I'm trying to go to a museum of some sort, I'll try and not be able to get a ticket. Then I'll get a ticket and at the door I'll find out it doesn't apply on the exact day I go...so I try another day. I buy another ticket and find out the appropriate days and get in, cool right? I'd find out that The ticket I bought is only good for the lobby and that I have to wear a shirt and tie, so I can't even do the lobby because I didn't wear a suit and tie. THEN I'd come back with a suit and tie, buy the better ticket and I'd read all the fine print...only to find out that the exhibit that I wanted to see so badly, the one that I had been wanting to see for a long long time ended the day before I even bought the first ticket. After that, it doesn't even matter if I get in...I don't care at all about anything.
A real life example of a situation is the Jaws ride. I went to Florida, one of the very few trips I took as a kid...and now that I think of it, the ONLY trip I took as a kid. I went with my mom and her at the time boyfriend (who I was not okay with, to say the least)
I appreciate that I could go but I wanted to do one thing in the entire state of Florida that would have made that trip the BEST EVER. And I found out we were going to Universal Studios on a certain day of our trip and I was so so excited.
I went through Disney kinda like a kid goes through meat so he or she can get to dessert. All I wanted was to go on the famous ride that coincided with my all time favorite movie. We got to Universal Studios and checked out some stuff, which were cool...but I had eyes for ONE thing. We watched a live taping of (get ready to make me feel old in 3. 2. 1...) All That, the Nickelodeon sketch comedy show. I remember smiling and saying I was enjoying my time, which I was, but in my mind I was screaming, "JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE!"
So we finally get to the golden prize of the trip for me, the thing that had been my quest. I saw the line and was so excited, I wanted to cry or scream or hug everyone in the line. I could barely contain myself. So we stood in line, me wearing a Jaws t shirt and yes I even had a Jaws Fanny pack with a Jaws key chain attached to it. I was Jaws' number one fan and just standing in that line, knowing I was going to go on the world famous Jaws ride was blowing my little tiny 12 year old mind.
A half an hour in line and I was thrilled. An hour and a half and they put the movie on, I watched it with excitement. I loved (and still love) that movie so it was very cool to watch it while in line for the ride.2 hours go by and I watched almost the full movie and I watched the line slowly go down, I was closer to the promised land. The movie ends and restarts and I saw the door that led to the ride, I felt like I was in a dream as I got closer and closer to the entrance.
About half way through the movie for the second time, I was in the group to go on the next boat. I could have thrown up or wet myself at that point, I was so nervous. I had been wanting nothing more than going on THAT ride since the day I heard it existed. I thought it would never happen but I WAS NEXT IN LINE! My heart pounded and I saw Hooper get into the cage on the small tv they had and I thought about how great it would be to experience this ride.
There would be no greater moment in my 12 year old life as I watched the door open. A man stepped out and...
"Okay folks, I'm sorry to say the ride is officially down
for the day. We're sorry for the inconvenience.
Enjoy the rest of the park and have a wonderful day."
My.heart.broke. There were no words for how sad I was. I became Sweeney Todd in that scene where he looked openly depressed while sitting on the beach and doing other bright fun looking stuff.
We went to other exhibits and went on rides and I doubt I uncrossed my arms even once.Looking back, it must have been really insulting to my mom and I didn't want to be but I was so so angry and sad and absolutely heart broken. That was our only day at Universal Studios so even if they fixed it the next day I would never get to experience the one reason I even wanted to enter the state of Florida.Literally the only thing I thought about when I was told we were going there was that one ride.If it had rained and was terrible on the day we went to Disney and I had to get a root canal the day after Universal, going on that ride once would have made that the best trip ever.
But no. The ride shut down many years and I never had the chance to go on it ever.
So I won in a sense, I got to go to Disney and see a ton of things that anyone else wold have loved. And I did have a little bit of fun before that...but...I lost on the ONE thing I didn't just want to see, I was dying to see. So I lost even though I won.
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