Dear Dave,
You might remember me, you donated sperm that helped me to be born at one point. You might remember me, you showed me how NOT to treat women. You might remember me, you taught me every single thing about what dads do that you never did. You might remember me, I was the one you rejected multiple times even as a small child and sometimes directly to me. You might remember me, I was the one that you deemed not good enough because of things like money isn't the most important thing to me and I wasn't driven to "succeed" the way you think is success.
I remember being a kid, caring about you, thinking good things about you and actually wanting to see you...but...I also remember over-hearing you tell someone you never wanted me, I also remember you walking away even after I forgave you and opened myself up and made myself vulnerable for you. I also remember sitting in your car, after seeing your thousands of dollars in brand new work out equipment and hearing you tell me how poor you are and how you couldn't possibly help me not be homeless. I also remember learning that you beat your ex-wife and I remember seeing the path of devastation in the wake of some of the people you used and hurt and left without caring for even a second. I even chose to ignore all those things for a time, I knew what you said but I tried so hard to think, "I can make it different if I just forgive him and I'll be the one to let this go and move on from here."
I used to want to forgive you even after what you put me through as a kid. You left me behind so many times and I gave you one last chance, one time where I tried to heal our broken relationship and salvage at least some kind of connection and you took that and you threw it away. You figuratively spit in my face as I made myself vulnerable to you then you told me "Fuck your shitty worthless garbage self" before burning the little bit of care I had for you. And I just stood there and took it, I felt it whether I wanted to or not. I tried to not feel it, I tried to put up a shield around myself against you and block any stupid thing you said or did to me. Mainly because I knew you would hurt me and I knew you didn't care about me and secondly because I refused to let people in my world but you broke through that...scratch that, I let you in for a second and you made me regret that hardcore.
For years I thought about what I wanted to say to you if I ever saw you again, I wanted to curse you out or tell you all the things that are messed up in me irreversibly solely and completely because of YOU. I wanted to hurt you, to watch you bleed and be in pain. I wanted to do some of the most vicious things I could imagine to you and even to those around you just to see if that would hurt you. I wanted to kill your pet and leave the body on your doorstep, I wanted to spray paint things on your house and make you have to pay to clean it (since I know money is the only thing you care about), I wanted to kill you. I wanted to become an actual murderer because of you.
The fact is I am glad I never did any of that, all of who I am (absolutely no thanks to you in any way) is against hatred, violence and hurting people. It's taken me many many years to say this: Even you. I work a regular job and on a daily basis, I try to help people who are poor or angry or sad and I make very little money because people are important to me, making someone's life better in some small way is a world better than being what you consider successful. And doing any of the things I imagined doing to you would make me something I'm not and of all the people that deserve to change me or cause me to be different, you get none of that.
I will never do anything to harm you or even wish physical harm to you. I may even pray for you in time but I do hope you think about what you have done to so many people, I hope you close your eyes and see my face and the other people you helped give life to and I hope somewhere in your black cold heart, you feel it.
I still hate you, I still have times when rage takes over when I think about what you have done to me, despite being in my life so little and how much you've ruined my life...It's actually a little impressive how much damage you caused. There are things I will most likely never be fixed in my because you were the worst scum you or anyone could possibly be to me. And that is something I'll never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try.
Sincerely,
me
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