Some MORE Positivity to Focus on (Monday August 27th 2018)

     So one of the biggest things that has changed due to my transition internally is my introvertistic side has diminished vastly. That is the equivalent of erasing a few years of turning into an introvert by beating myself up in my own head, which can be a game changer in my life.

Past:
     I used to be an outgoing, openly friendly person. I used to be someone who had the potential to be the "life of the party" type of person, with little fear of embarrassment or worry of feeling awkward. When I was very young, I had some normal attributes and one was that I was happy-go-lucky or innocently extroverted...at least at some point for a little while.

     Slowly, my inability to be honest about myself to anyone forced me into my own head and caused some introverted issues. I built barriers between myself and any other humans (my pets and friends' pets knew everything) and with every awkward encounter or every hidden desire to do /be something I wasn't, those barriers got worse and worse. Depression, suicidal thoughts and so much fear started to take over my regular life and kinda quick too; much like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Present:
     I recently did something that took much (for lack of a better word) courage and it surprised even me. I went to my cousin's house and spent a few days with him and his family without being too afraid to be around them.

For the last decade plus, the thought of going somewhere I've never been before and doing something like playing a dancing game in front of people would have made me want to crawl into a hole and die before doing that. But because I've spent a few years now cleaning out the deep dark hidden pain of pretending to be this thing I'm not, I've been able to enjoy things like friends and just having fun.



Future:
     So I have been thinking about where I want to be in the future...and I still don't have a full answer yet. I know I want to be a positive force in this universe a positive force in a greater way than I was in the past. (I'm not completely sure what that means, it's mostly a feeling I have been having lately. I'll explain more when I understand better)

I know I want to identify as female, as Layla Lee Gilmore and eventually get to the point where people don't see me as "a trans person" or as VJ who's trying to convince people he's a chick; my hope is that people see that I am truly able to blossom going in the direction that I'm going now as opposed to where I have been for many many years. I know I want to be a patient person with even those who completely disagree with my choice to transition; I want to be someone who helps bring people together who normally wouldn't give each other a chance. Like a go-between for people who are dead set against the transgender movement and trans people like myself or supporters.

I have no idea what this will look like or where these thoughts will bring me, perhaps I'll work in retail and write blogs/make YouTube videos and only reach a tiny group of people. I don't know but I'm gonna try to figure it out as I go and hopefully I won't screw much up long the way.

     Either way, the future is going to come no matter what and I want to see what it brings.

My First True Vacation (August 21st 2018)

North Carolina! I went to North Carolina.

     So it started weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about doing something new. We talked about visiting Centralia PA and some places considered haunted, nothing seemed to really pop out at us. So then we talked about just going far away and started searching for places just far away from New Jersey. 

11 hours away was this cabin; a beautiful looking cabin that had over an acre between it and the next neighbor, one that was at the top of a mountain and one that had amenities that just blew us away. That was it for us, we had our destination and we just had to get through the next few weeks. A few more people were added to the plan and time seemed to both barely move and fly by in the same space...an interesting paradox.

     The time finally came, we were ready, we were in the car, we were fed and hydrated and then...we went. My cousin and I made stops along the way to see some sights and enjoy the time and before we knew it, we were a few hours away. Philadelphia, Baltimore, Virginia...cities, like time, seemed to float by and we got to Tennessee. Stopping in the first rest stop/tourist area, I had to run out and get a picture with the welcome sign. I risked life and limb to trudge through the thick of things to get to it and got what I wanted. 

     

     . . . then we were on the rest of our way. . .

Hours and a few stops later, we got to Bryson City. We found the mountain and made our way up to the top. I nearly died (imagine a narrator saying "no she didn't" right here) but got to the cabin. 

I wa sexpecting to find something underwhelming compared to the pictures on the website but I was very very surprised to find it was even better. I'm going to post many many pictures of the view from our deck even though they won't do the actual sight justice. 

   

  I'd write about the view but...

     We spent the rest of Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday morning there. Enjoying the hot tub, walking through the town, hiking the Smokie Mountain trails, taking pictures, having a fire, playing games and just relaxing was UH-MAZING. 

This was the first truly refreshing experience I've ever gone through.

     I thank God for giving me the chance to get away from life for a few days and recuperate. 

A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story