I'm Losing the Battle

     Hopeless. No better word to describe me.Everything I touch turns to shit, I thoroughly ruin every good opportunity I get and when I don't someone makes sure that those times are ruined fully and completely.

I have nowhere to live, I have no one to talk to, the one thing that made me feel like I might have actually been born for a reason was ripped from me so harshly I don't know if I can recover from it to this day.I'm reminded every minute of every day that I had everything I wanted and tweice destroyed that. 

   I've been fighting so hard lately, I even got some serious help...and it's still not enough. I'm afraid, afraid I'm going to keep failing and I already know I bring bad luck and negativity to anyone who even tries to get close to me so I can never have anyone close to me ever again, so it's just me from now on. Just me.

   So now I sit here by myself and ask out loud, "Why keep going? Why am I still here? Am I wrong for still being here?How do I keep going on? What do I even do? Where do you go when there is no home, no solace...nothing and no one to fight for?" and I get no answers, no understanding. 

   I feel so empty inside, like I envy a time when I was only dead inside. I don't have a lot more words, or hope or reason to keep on trying. And I only see my future as learning how to live my worst nightmare out of being as alone as this world wants me to. 

   The light seems so dim, like impossible to bring back kind of dim. Sorry I don't have it in me to fake positivity.I don't have a lot left in the tank, 

August 3, 2024

 

3 weeks ago, I had only a few cares and no serious worries when it came to my everyday life. And now I have no job, I have to find a place to live (I'm staying at a friend's house for now) I lost a lot of friends over the last 6 months and I can't do anything to even try to make it up to any of them and I pretty much don't trust anything at all at this point.

So the short version is: I was told I need to find a new place to live recently and though I tried to stay in the area, I wasn't able to. It came down to two choices, I was either going to go to Nashville TN or New Jersey and I ended up flight to NJ. In the process of all this, I lost a person I thought was going to be a friend for a long time; which really hurts especially since they believe I was trying to use or take advantage of them. I wouldn't ever intentionally try to hurt anyone who I get that close to.

So I found a moving company (not one I'd recommend, my stuff still hasn't gotten here from Wisconsin and it's been 8 days) a relative was such a blessing by making the move happen. Then I had to make my way and there was a whole thing; I had to take a bus, three trains, had 3 looooong layovers (is that what it's called when you wait at the train station for hours for your train) and finally got to New Jersey. 

Since then I've been applying to jobs, not sure where exactly to apply yet bc I don't know where I'm gonna live. And between some personal stuff, depression and all my lovely inadequacies I've been trying my hardest to not give up. So far it feels like even when I try my hardest to do anything good, even good people want me very far out of their lives. I don't know fully even what I did to two specific people who I'll never get to talk to ever again, both meant the world to me at one point and I hate...HATE when people don't like me. It eats at me when people who don't deserve my time or energy have problems with me, this might kill me.

So now I'm sitting here, with no foundation, no future, no hope is things getting much better and not much for me to fall back on as is to say to myself "at least I have _____." The only things not completely gone are a few really great friends and my TikTok account (although lately it's been very very invisible. 

I'm trying, I really am. I'm just failing in just about every single way and I'm absolutely broken about leaving a place I really liked and it was in the direction I want to be (my goal is to make my way to Minnesota) but now I'm far from where I want to be and fare from anything that feels stable and I feel like I lose something every day.