From Good to Bad in a Flash

     I finished my previous entry early in the morning and thought to myself, I think things could actually work out...

                           ...my stupid fault.

     Every time I think I'm going to be okay, something absolutely destroys everything that I am comfortable with. If I'm dating someone, she breaks up with me or I find out she cheated or is a psycho. If I start liking where I live or who I'm living with and I'm not having trouble paying for it, the landlord will lose the property and I'm out. If I feel loved, I'll hav eto deal with bugs that make EVERYONE step far away from me. Literally every time I have ever thought that somethign was good, that's the exact moment that it crashes and it's always on my head.

     I have to find a place to live by Christmas...like I didn't have enough reasons to hate holidays. This is 2nd Christmas in a row that has been plagued with having to find a place to live.

     I wish I could say there's an easy answer or that I believe things will end well. I wish I could...

My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.

The Trait I admire and Respect Most

     What is the great trait one can live by? What is the one thing that one can use and still be above most? 

Surprisingly no, not even all the money in the world is as imporant as this one character trait. Still not sure what it is?

Not fame either, although that's pretty cool. Give up?

     Okay, since you give up...I'll tell you.

To me the mos timportant thing anyone can do is be loyal. Be a friend who is there (whether in constant agreement and support or friends who don't see eye to eye on everything), be a lover who doesn't walk away, be a coworker who helps when the going gets tough...just be loyal.

     I've had people of all kinds walk away from me, blood family is not exempt from this list and it is always a shock and always painful to me. I've seen people I thought were close friends, people who told me they'll be there for me, and then I saw those same people disappear when I needed them the most. Not cool. 

I guess because that happened to me so much at crucial times, it became so vital to me. Friends with money or some kind of power can go away or hurt the friendship but loyalty should be something you wear proudly and use often.

     Now on the other hand, I want to talk about loyalty that has been shown  to me. It comes in the form of firends who have been there for me at my worst tiems and they still show their loyalty to me even now.

My friends constantly show me why being loyal is an honor. I've always believed that everyone has an average of 3 friends who are there for you all your life, three friends who will never ever leave your side even if they're across the country or world. And if that's true, I have ruined the averages for
a lot of people because I have so many of those kind of friends. In 2000, I joined my church and have enjoyed a big group of people who love and care for me from then on, picking up a few between then and now.

There have been times where I wanted to give up and these friends showed me their loyalty and their love and it brought me back from the dark places my mind was nearing.




     So for these reasons that I've experienced on both sides of this particular tcharacter trait, I say that being loyal and seeing loyalty is the greatest attribute one can have. And I can't thank those friends enough for being this to me, there are too many of you to name but if you have been this to me you know who you are.

My Attitude Needs Help

     My attitude is one of my weak points, something I try to change but have the most trouble dealing with. Let me back up by explaining that I have tried to genuinely look at my flaws and work on them, things like laziness or public negativity.

I have moments when I don't realize what I sound like or what my attitude shows other people about me till after I think about it later:

     Sometimes, I turn from normal person into incredbly pretentious, pompous, higher than thou stupid. I remember a time when I was playing hockey with some kids in Philly, they brought me to a rink and it was awful. There were divets in the poor concrete surface, the nets had holes, the chainlink fence around it was warped and clearly in need of repair at least and that was just what I thought the first moment I got there.

We played for a while and theywere pretty good at things like jumping over the holes in the ground and maneuvering around the fence warps, unlike me who got caught up in all of those imperfections (which had me frustrated) At the time, I looked a lot worse than I actually was and I kept saying to the person who invited me that I wish we could get them to the rink I usually played in then.

I said a few times to him that my rink is so much better and I can play so much better [than I did that day]. He laughed with me and we played for a few hours, having a pretty good time with inner city kids who really love the game.

After everyone left, the person who brought me there (who is not currently a friend but was at the time) sat with me and pointed out that the kids thought I was a tool bag for saying the stuff I said. I didn't even think of my words the way I sounded, I was trying to ask them if they would play at my
 rink because it was nice and I could probably find a way to get them there. But looking back, I understood how it looked to the kids who lived in that ratty city and did the best with what they had.

I felt bad for possibly discouraging kids who loved the game of hockey and kids who already had enough negativity in their lives, it sounded like I was insulting them or their rink and that's not cool with me. It's a moment I wish I could go back to and redo because my attitude sucked.

I have had other times where I wasn't satisfied with whatever my situation was and my attitude made me sound like I am better than anyone else, which I am very much not better than anyone...at all.

I also have trouble keeping my temper and attitude when I know am doing more than those around me, especially in situations where I think I would be repremanded for doing what those around me are doing. I've been surrounded by people who work hard and refuse to be lazy for a long time now, some of my best friends have taught me not to let others do what I can do in work situations and sometimes my attitude gets much worse when I see coworkers or people being lazy when everyone alound them is working hard.

Now this cvan be a good thing, I work hard and make sure to say something to soeone being lazy. That's good, right? Tell'em! Right? Well as much as that can be good, I sometiems realize I use that
and gho too far or don't know the whole situation. Like in the scanario of friends working together, I may not know that the seemingly lazy friend wasn't feeling good or had been working all day already and was there graciously giving their time to help. They don't deserve to be told to get up and work from me.
These are just a few examples, I really do try to acknowledge that I have flaws when I see them and change them over time.

And with that said, I want to acknowledge that I have attitude issues that I need to work on. I know I need to stay calm over things that are not worth meltdowns. I have bene having meltdowns over stupid stuff lately and I need to find a better way to get over them. Now the background may be deeper than whatever I'm upset about BUT I still need to calm down.

I wrote a diary entry recently about this and after going through it and writing about it and talking to a close friend about it, I am recognizing both sides of the entire situation:
     *One side of it was a very deep seeded and real problem that I need prayer in and I need to find a way to work through. My doubt of God and my doubt of things ever going well for me (because I have this therory that I'm just plain cursed)
     *The other side is that the events that went on that night were not worth me nearly losing my voice from yelling and growling at everything and anything that went wrong, big or small.





     I'm not good at taking on a lot of things at once so while I have many attitude flaws, I'm going to be working on this specific character trait. My goal is pray about it and try to get to the root of why I feel the way I do about God and also to try to find a solution to that root issue. And as for the practical aspect, I want to recognize when I'm going from upset to meltdown and try to find a way to stop the explosion before it gets to a point of no return. I am looking for advice or examples from friends on what you do to calm yourself down a tthose points before erupting in yelling or cursing or whatever.

Have a wonderful day

My Journey

     Okay friends and new friends, I am taking a new journey in my life and I am more and more aware of what this means almost everyday. Even days when things seems molasses slow, I learn something new and interesting. I'd like to take a little bit of time and share a few things I'm learning:

     I am learning that transitioning for myself is something that requires a MASSIVE amount of
patience. I need to be patient with my close friends, with strangers who could either be intentionally rude or just accidentally say or do something, I need patience for waiting for Dr's appointments, for learning how to live the way I can be comfortable and a lot more.

I have always tried to be a patient person especialy when dealing with others and I'm not bragging here but I've always been a little bit better at being patient when someone else is involved. But I am learning how to stop in the midst of impatient situations like waiting for appointments or waiting for things to take effect and calmly let things come as they come.

     I am learning how to love. This one is hard.I thought I knew what love was and tried to display that, and sometimes I got it right but a lot of the time I got it wrong. I thought love was mainly
romantic and PDA and if you don't do that (especially if you're not in a romantic relationship) then you're not showing or using love fully. Before opening up about my journey, I did use love correctly with my friends and their families but not being in a relationship I saw that as a failure.

And through this I'm learning that love is a lot more than that, I'm also learning that I am not a failure for not being married. Love is a lot more than romance and I am a complete newb at using this the way I should. Loving people who may not agree with me, showing love to people who intentionally choose to be rude to me and showing love for those who don't understand are a few areas that I'm learning how to be better at.

Now don't mistake this for me letting people say whatever they want, I am a human being and deserve basic human rights just like anyone else. I also treat others moreso how they treat me with some grace because even rude people should get a little grace. Showing those who I think don't deserve grace is another area I am learning to show real love. And that takes a TON of patience (OH I read the part up above!)

     As a 2nd part to my last point, I am learning daily how people who love me actually do love me.
Some of my firends have been put in a very hard place recently because of my situation. Some of them immediately were on board with me and whether they agree with my decision or not, they didn't even have to think about whether to be my friend or support my decision or not.

Others have been trying to understand what it means to be trans and what they believe. And if you haven't read it, read my entry about being a friend vs being supportive because it is important to know that not supporting your friends when you think they are doing the wrong thing DOES NOT mean you're not a real friend. So the friends who are trying to come to terms with what they believe has been very hard, specifically for the ones who wer eclosest to me.

I bring them up because they have been very very loving in all of this and that's been amazing. I recently told a friend about my situation, a friend I thought would not speak to me again after reading the message I sent him. His response blew me away.

Once upon a time, when I thought I knew everything, I would have been offended and wouldn't want anything to do with you. I don't know everything any more. tbh, it would be weird seeing you as a woman but I think it is safe to say that it's nothing compared to your inner conflict. I'm not going to pretend to understand but I can at least understand that it isn't easy and for that at least I can sympathize.

This was his response and it means the world to me that a person that I kinda always saw as a person who has arrived, someone who doesn't need to grow or can't really learn much a tthis stage in his life has shown that he is still learning. And this is just one friend, I have been beyond blessed by the friends I have even from before becoming a Christian. I have to mention one close friend who I've known since the 3rd grade who again showed me just how great a friend she is, I told her and she not only accepted me as I am going to be but has been checking up on me and genuinely caring about me. I'm blown away by that love.

     I've been learning that this is my path in life, and to accept it and embrace it with God is starting to take weight off my shoulders that I've been carrying for a very long time. I recently started feeling a very little bit of emotionally weight kinda lift off me. It was a very little bit but that's a little bit that helped me and I am trying to learn what it means to accept what my life is and embrace that.

I am a transgendered person who has always been a peace maker, who has never felt like there was a place for me anywhere and accepting this as my legitimate path makes all the failures of not getting married when it logically made sense or not getting certain jobs that I took as a loss...etc. All thes ethings make sense now because I have chances by accepting my life as Layla that I never would have had and that feels weight liftingly happy. Yes, I make up words, accept it.

     And finally I've noticed something small but very interesting about life.
So I started painting my nails, usually some form of either pink and black, blue and purple or orange and black and I get complimented regularly from a specific type of people. This is not about race or sexual oreientation so please don't take this as me judging anyone, I'm actually fascinated by this observation and I hope it continues:
I've noticed that black woem and gay men say soemthing more than any other type of people. I look masculine so I get why gay men would say something but black women are always sweet about saying they like my nails and they talk about their choice of colors or what brand they like. I absolutely love when people talk about that because I absolutely love painting my nails and secondly because I haven't bitten my nails in months, before this I couldn't go 2 waking hours without biting them EVER. They're growing slowly, causing me to be patient but they are growing and I LOVE IT.

     Okay those are just a few observations and things I'm learning about my particular jouney of life and I hope that if there are any other people who eare on either side of these thoughts, they understand the other side and maybe learn a little bit from this.

Accepting My New Journey

     I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and hope that it resonates with someone...anyone really. I started this as a written journal in early 2012 as a way to release the negative emotions, the demons if you will, that have been heavily weighing me down for as long as I can remember. I thought I wanted to die but in truth, I wanted to live and be happy AND I thought I couldn't attain that so the next best thing is to end it all...incorrect, I know, but that's what I thought.

Through the years, I've learned a lot about my own mind and what some of the real issues are that plague me. One thing that has never changed is the nature of wanting to be a helper to people.

I've always had a go between nature that has guided my choices in friends and things I do. I haveconstantly tried to help the left out, the castaways, the black sheep. I even relate to peace making characters in tv shows, movies or books; for example, Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet (I read the book years before Leonardo made it popular so...extra credit for me) and Bull Shannon from Night Court (see my previous entry about characters I want to be like for a full description).

Those characters and a plethora of others are my favorites because they could pick one side but they feel the need to see things from both perspectives and try to help bridge gaps in enemies and I try my best to build bridges in everyday life ina  bunch of ways.

     I have a few examples of everyday bridge building that show my perspective.

I was working as a cashier andf a customer was not paying attention, an old woman's items came to a certain amount (I forge the exact amount so I'm making it up) it came to $12.83 and she would not look at me or respond to anything I said, things like, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Do you have a savings card with us?" 

So I told her the price and did my best to not sound angry when telling her the price of her stuff and waited for her to pay. She began rummaging through her change and I put my hand right next to her purse, clearly waiting for her to put the coins in my hand. My hand was directly under her hands and she moved away from my hands and rudely dropped the change on the counter, causing me to have imaginations of committing Looney Tune type voilence to her self. And mind you my imagination is very vivid so I was supressing it as much as humanly possible. 

Now I could have yelled at her, ignored it or done something back like wait for her to pick it up but I decided to take a second and restrain my mouth from yelling. Then I calmly said to her,"Ya know, when you throw change on the counter like that, cashiers take it as an insult. If you didn't do that, they would appreciate it very much." (again, my memory of the exact words are foggy but it was very similar to this) and she looked at me (for the first time in this entire exchange) and gave me a shocked look, as if I told her I ran over her newborn grandson and finished paying. 

Now I'm sure I should have ignored that but in my mind I was trying to explain in a calm manner to her that the act she performed was not the best way she could do that and a way to build a bridge between her and all cashiers. I truly meant all of that with positivity and care for her even though she complained to my manager. 

Numerous times I have talked to people who have the appearance of seeming uneasy with me in a  open way that shows them I see them as people and not just another customer. I try to make my words personal when I talk to people, making sure to listen and be aware of what others are doing or going through, it often benefits everyone involved. 

     Another giant example of me trying to put this peace maker thing into rpactice in my life is when I come across anyone in service of our country. When I see a police officer, a fire fighter or anyone who is or was in the service (when I know it, of course) I make sure to thank them for their service and tell them I appreciate what they do. That has shown to be a great decision, sometimes they say thank you and go about their business but sometimes they smile, thank me and look honored to be recognized. Those 

situations are worth every effort and they build a relationshiop between society and those people who may not specifically put their life on the line at any point butjust committing to do the job they do, that alone risks their life. 

     All of these examples ar emy way of showing that the gift I have is being a peace maker at heart, it's something that makes me feel like I am useful here on earth when I see it working somehow. 

It makes me feel like I am here for a reason when I'm in one of those situations where I'm able to help someone who looks or feels left out or build some bridge with someone somehow. 

Anyway, my point with all of this is that I have a place on earth and right now with me transitioning, I feel even more confident that I have a place wher I can not only be a peace maker but I can use my situation and my experience in church and with God to show transgendered people that theyr're people too even though they go through a lot of negative stuff.  

Being a trans person who is about to start my new journey, who is right leaning politically, who has been through as much as I've been through and who believes in God and Chritianity I feel there is a bridge that NEEDS to be built between anyone in the larger circles I'm starting to join or associate with and the church. 

I'm starting to feel like there is a reason for me here, finally. If indeed God has led me to this point in my life, I see why a lot of things didn't go the way I thought i wanted them to go throughout my life. And I am okay with a lot of those things, those things I saw as failure makes sense more now than ever before. 

Epic Ranting Time (NSFW)

     I'm going to warn you right now, this I am in a horrible mood and I am going to be letting out some very harsh emotions and using strong language that I do not normally use. It is the me that no one sees and it's not an attractive trait. As I write this, I feel dumb for getting so mad but it's not the first, second or five thousandth time something like this has happened to me and it is a microcosm of everything I try to do...so here we go...

     Tonight I felt alone. And not in the "I have no friends around" kinda way although that was true (with the exception of a good friend texting me during the hockey game) I felt alone in the "God is not here for me" kind of way. Now I know a lot of people that would tell me I'm wrong and that I need to trust Him or  read or pray more. I'm not going to pretend I'm consistent with any of that but what I do see consistently is there is nothing I can do without a GIANT fight. Nothing.

Whether I curse or speak politely, whether I steal or give, whether I wait patiently or take what I want when I want it...it always ends up the same; something makes everything I do so hard that even when/if I get it, I am so angry beyond rage that I don't care about anything or anyone or what happens.

And the worst part is it's not only big life changing things, it's not like I can't seem to get that big house way up in the west hills without something going so wrong that even if I do get it eventually I'm just beyond angry. It's like what happened tonight:

I am sitting here, angry and trying to calm down so I pray and ask God to help me calm down. As I finish that, I am reminded that a friend gave me a season of a tv show (House season 2, my second favorite show and my second favorite season) I forgot he gave it to me and was looking at it like,

"Ok God, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I could 

really use that to relax and calm down. That's perfect."

And so I pick it up and open the case, finding that the little plastic pieces holding the discs is broken. Not something worth freaking out about, just a little annoying. Ok so what. I press the little button to open the disc drive on my computer and it pops out. Good so far, right? Right.

I put the DVD in and it does nothing. After waiting a few minutes, I go into the folder and find the contents of the DVD and click on it. My computer freezes for what seemed like an eternity and I end up force closing the program and reopening it. Same results. Try again? Yeah ok, sounds smart...same result again and again and again. By now, I'm trying not to shout but it's getting harder and harder by the second.

I just want the DVD to work so I can calm down and relax while laughing at Greg House

 That's all I want and by that point, I was doing all I can to keep from cursing at my inanimate object of a computer. So I FINALLY get it to open without freezing and I open my Windows Media Player. It doesn't automatically just play because that's what happens when I do something. I go into the folder for my DVDs and drag and drop the files into the Media Player and to my surprise...they don't work.
     ...of course they don't. I tried each file individually and none worked. I tried to put them all in at once, nope. I tried to reopen the program...nothing again. I kept getting a pop up that said it can't open the files because there's a problem or something like that.

OF FRICKIN COURSE NOT! I'm starting to boil with more than anger at that point.

     Side Note: Oh by the way, my current computer (one that I have taken great care of over the not even year that I've used it) is literally falling apart from absolutely nothing. My previous computer was destroyed because one night I was angry and accidentally broke it. I was so angry over something not working that was supposed to that I hit it and eventually broke it.

So I calmly and gently take the DVD out and restart it. Same results and I try a different program. It opens and that program starts. YES!! Ok, I can come back from this point of anger as long as SOMETHING just works for me. Up until this point, I didn't even think about if it wasn't going to work, I have used this computer recently to play DVDs so there shouldn't be this issue.

I figured that I just gotta do one little thing different and it'll work, I must be making some mistake that keeps it from running as usual. I've been told recently that I do things expecting it to go wrong and that's why things go wrong for me. I didn't even have that in my mind till just after this point.

The program opens and it has the option to play the DVD. ALRIGHT! SO I press the play button and that screen with the run time comes up but there is not time counter, the spot where it's supposed to start counting to show it's playing is faded and at 00:00:00 (on both ends so there's nothing to play and nothing is playing)

"Of Fucking course! C'mon! JUST PLAY! PLEASE??!" I say to my computer that has no way of answering me.

Nothing changes and I shut the program and restart it, trying again. This time I'm near that explosion point, holding on by threads to sanity in this situation. A thread...a very thin thread.
I watch the program do the exact same thing and those threads are pulling from both ends. "JUST...PLEASE?! LIKE REALLY??!"

I get to that same place where the DVD is supposed to play the show and nothing again.

By now, I've gotten past just anger into very very near rage, I am growing a migraine, still angry about the hockey game, I'm feeling alone, I'm sweaty and annoyed and I am beyond ready to destroy the hell out of this computer. So having the program mocking me by what it did next was that breaking point.

It FINALLY opened and I heard Hugh Laurie's voice...for about two seconds. It's in the middle of a random episode and it freezes after two words by the Dr that he all love.

After hearing it and seeing the freezing screen, I about yell, "COME FUCKING ON! WHY??! WHY ARE YOU...AAAAH!" And this is where I start losing my mind. Between the many many curse words that I made sure my inanimate object of a computer heard and my beat red face, I couldn't hold in the rage anymore. It was just too much.

I insulted my computer so much, I'm pretty sure I made up many words just to use against it. And when I decided to just give up on watching the DVD, I stood up and used my full lungs to make it known just how much I can't stand that everything I do (no matter what it is), I fail and end up so angry that I don't care if I get my desired results or not.

I didn't care by that point if the DVD worked perfectly from that very moment on, it didn't matter anymore because I already blew up and lost every ounce of sanity and calmness that I so very needed. I blew up for about an hour...literally one.full.hour.

So after spraying the computer with my anger spit and finally grabbing some semblance of myself, I tried to calm somewhat down from all of that. All I wanted to do was calm down in the first place but the ONE thing I wanted to do was watch a show that I knew would help me laugh and relax a little. So I thought, "Ok. O-mother f*****g-K! I'll find my 2 terabyte hard drive and watch something from there. Screw you, piece of shit computer! I'm, not letting you win! Screw the FUCK out of you! Piece of garbage! I'm so sick of..." and with that, I threw about a thousand more degrading words together.

Of course I couldn't find my hard drive, because that's what I do. I misplace whatever it is I want only at the time that I want it." I stopped and just sat down in the middle of my room floor and just looked up. "Why God? Why do you let this happen to me ALWAYS?! It's always when I need something the most that it's not there or it doesn't work or I mess it up. Always when I need it the most"

I'm just sitting there, speechless and so beyond angry. All I wanted was to compose myself and get to the point of being able to put the stuff that had me in a bad mood out of my mind. But at that point I just...I just don't care.

I don't care that my migraine is hitting me or that my computer is falling apart or that NOTHING is ever simple; all I care about is why God is ignoring my pleas. "God, really?! This is what you want from me?? You want me to just never be okay? Ever?! You don't care that I just need something from you??! DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Do you care??!" I look up and wait a moment.

"Do something! Like now! I don't care if it's good, do something bad, something that I don't like or want...just DO.SOMETHING.NOW." nothing happens.

"Do something so I know you exist..or you're listening...or something to show me you even care that I need you to show me something..." nothing happens. "Anything? Anything at all? I'm not asking for money or everything to work out. I'm not even asking for ANYTHING to work out, God.Just do SOMETHING."

As if He is standing above me, I look up and in just sad rage I say, "DO YOU EXIST?! DO YOU CARE DO YOU KNOW I'M IN NEED? Not just want: need. I need to know you are there."

And like everything else in my life, I do not get the desired result, I get an alone and abandoned feeling. I didn't kick something or throw my computer

(I wanted to so so bad...but I didn't. 

You want proof? Well, I'm typing on that computer 

right now. You wouldn't be reading this if I did)

And I finally calmed down a little, not in a "wow I feel okay" kinda way or a "Now that that's out of my system, I can relax" kinda way; it's more like a "I have no more physical energy and if I get any angrier, I will break something that I reeeeally need to not break" kinda way.

I've been going through a lot lately and it seems like there's no right answer to anything, like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't to everything. I'm not making any threats, that's not what this is about; this is about the emotion and the inability to do anything without it going so badly that I can't win.

I need prayer, badly right now. I truly want to believe God cares but my experiences have not been kind to me and it's getting harder by the minute to hold onto even the desire to care. Right now the only motivation I have to even go on is my upcoming transition. The thought of future girls nights and getting dressed up and not feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wearing inappropriate clothes, those are the only thing I'm clinging to right now.

I know this isn't nice or something I'm proud of writing...I'm sorry if this bothers you to read. It bothers me too, but it is the absolute brutal and completely vulnerable honesty. One of the very few things I see about myself as a successful trait is my opaque honesty and this...well, there is no more vulnerable moment than when one is alone and yelling at God because one feels lost, left out and unloved.

Thank you for reading...

A Possible Beginning to my Journey

     I remember being in preschool, there was a wall full of costumes that was about the coolest thing I ever saw...at the time at least. (Hey I was like 5, chill out.) Anyway, this wall had so many hats and scarves and dresses and fake jewelry and canes and so much more.

This wall fascinated me from the very second I learned what it was, I wanted to be anything and everything. I guess you could point to that time that formed my desire to act and write. I played with that costume wall every chance I got but there was something that I really wanted to do but never could;
I always wanted to dress up and play with the girls and enjoy dressing up Barbie dolls. I watched the girls having fun and felt jealous and sad that I couldn't be a part of that. And I understood their games and love of clothes and I felt like on some level I belonged with them.


Then I looked at what the boys were playing with and how they were playing, some of it wasn't horrible but there wasn't much that I cared about. I specifically remember playing with my best friend when we were kids and GI Joe was a big thing but I absolutely hated it! In fact, the only thing I liked at all was setting up the scenes.

I would set up a town for the GI Joes or transformers or legos for hours and get things just the way I wanted and then I'd clean up and put everything away. It was a weird dynamic I had going but it was me trying my hardest to accept me as a boy and it wasn't working but it was all I had. I had a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that I treated like it was my kid, I took it everywhere and took care of it like it was a real baby and for a long time I didn't know why I wanted to do that so bad.

I remember seeing my friends that were boys building and digging and working on their preskool cars like they were mechanics and there I was babysitting a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal while dreaming of playing with the girls and playing with makeup.

The few times I was able to do those things, it was like I was in the right place or doing the right thing. My little sister would play with her dolls and I'd play with her, giving me a reason to dress up the dolls and match clothes and just be who I felt was the real me.

I know all kids go through phases like that but this was more than a phase and I knew it then, I didn't just put on my mom's shoes just to get attention. I knew then that I wanted to truly be a girl, like always.

That was the time it went from a boy who hated being what he was to a boy knowing he wanted to be a girl. From there it became a need that I had to bury, hide and ignore and treat like just a disgusting guilty pleasure. But I'm really starting to believe that that's when a journey began for me that might have a happier ending...


                                                                           ...I hope.