I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

Post Vacation Update

     So I did a thing and it was pretty cool. If you know me personally, you've probably gotten tired of the words 'Oahu' 'Hawaii' and 'wild'

     Here's a brief bragging session. Ready? Alright...here we go:

My cousin Ryan, a good friend Codi and I all went to Oahu, HI from June 11th till June 19th and we had an absolute blast! There were ups (some literally), some crazy downs and so many new things!

First, I want to take a moment and say we had the absolutely best hosts possible. Evelyn and Mark who welcomed us into their home and treated us like family while we were there. I highly recommend anyone interested in visiting Oahu to search on Facebook for Aloha Oasis Hideaway and make sure to tell them that Layla Lee sent you.

     Our Oahu trip included The Pink Pill hike, Diamondhead Crater, a shark diving encounter, a tour of Pearl Harbor, a rock jump at the North Shore, surfing at Waikiki Beach, acai in a pineapple, waianae beaches that were amazing, Germaine's Luau, seeing dolphins twirling out of the water, Dan's Shave Ice and admiring every ounce of blue water at almost every turn. And all that was only the stuff I could think of off the top of my mind.

Dan's Shave Ice

     Listing out each day is not as easy as I thought it would be so...I'm not gonna do that but I do have many pictures and videos from the entire trip. And after Codi left, Ryan and I went to The Big Island and that was mind blowing too.

The highlight there was our hike up Mauna Kea, the worlds tallest Volcano (from the base to the top). It was not easy and we definitely earned every minute of rest after taking on that mammoth mountain.

     Overall, I still can't believe that I went there and saw the things I saw. It's amazing that I, someone who has never seen much of anything in person, saw a manta ray a few feet from my face (briefly but it still happened), ate fresh fruit I've never even knew existed, chased a goat that was on the side of the road (I wanted to pet it...can you blame me?), I jumped off an about 20 foot rock into the most amazing water roughly a week after barely making it up a 12 rung ladder at my job, I swam a few feet away from Galopogos sharks...pretty much the fact that I can say the phrase "When I was in Oahu..."