I have been dealing with a very serious issue for many years now and have been I've been trying to come up with a 'how to' get through depression, suicidal thoughts and loneliness. If you've ever dealt with any of these issues, these soul sucking feelings, these torturers than you know none of them are as easy as they sound. I've had people say something along the lines of, "Just stop thinking that way" or "Do what you have to do to work and keep busy" and to those people it is as simple as that...
Good for them, right? For anyone who has dealt with depression, the option of "just stop thinking that way" doesn't exist. Oh sure, there are happy times and we may seem like we aren't even sad or going through anything. I can talk about lots of good times I've had and remember great memories as a kid, but the problem is that at some point a lot of those times there was a follow up moment where I felt empty or lonely or just hurt.
Those times can creep into your mind and affect your everyday life very easily, so what do ya do? What do you do when you're having a great day and everything is going good but something happens to make you think about whatever triggers you in the worst way?
For me the biggest trigger has always been a few words and their meanings, the first one: FAMILY. Family has always stood for something I can't understand, I can't know...I can't have. And for a 6-13 year old that is a hard thought to swallow. I remember a night when I was in my biological father's room while my mother, who never married, came over to pick me up and they ended up yelling at each other.
I was watching the movie THEM about radioactive ants and kept trying to turn the volume up to shut out the fight under my feet; it got to the point where I was just so hurt and so unhappy that I wanted to open the window and jump out. Looking back, I would not have died that way but at the time it seemed far up enough to kill me and that's what I wanted to do.
I thought that if I wasn't around, if they didn't have me to fight about then they'd never see each other again and both would move on. I also just wanted my pain to end there, it wasn't completely selfless, I'm not trying to sound like a full martyr as a 7 year old. The windows were painted shut and my plan was thwarted and before I could come up with a new plan my father came upstairs and I went to bed (I remember laying in my bed that night with tears just rolling from my face till I fell asleep. I wasn't crying though, I was just hurting so bad) And this was just one of a slew of times that represent how I feel about the word "Family"
Another word that sends me through a whirlwind of depression is the word "LOVE" That word has all the hope and excitement and enjoyment in the world wrapped up in those four powerful letters...if you have it. If you don't those four letters become nails in your social coffin, or in MY social coffin at least.
My whole life has revolved around love in some way or another and because it's something I've never truly had (outside of friendship, which I am blessed to have a lot of) Out of all my blood relatives, there has only been two people I've felt close to and the rest have been kept at a distance in every way. I can't even explain why I did that but I did it with everyone and as a result of the fear of love or the ignorance of it I held myself lower than everyone else, especially those who had love and family and were happy. Of course with all of that comes introvertism...which I don't think is a word so you heard it here first, and along with introvertism came loneliness.
That brings me to my last trigger word, "Loneliness" It's not just the idea that there are not other humans around my space at a particular time, it goes beyond the physical and hits the toughest spot to defend: the emotions.
I remember a dream I had when I was young: I was at a spa with my step mother and my infant sister in a stroller, suddenly the lights all went out except one low hanging spotlight that swung above two pools. The vibrant blue lining of the pools that usually fascinated me became dark and scary and my step mother took a step near one of the pools and I saw a giant great white shark come up just enough to grab her and pull her into the now dark water. I ran to the stroller and grabbed it, hugging it to protect my little sister. I looked around and saw: the railings, water that was slowly calming down and I could only hear the splashing water. Outside if that was just pure darkness. I sat there and just felt so so destitute. Like there was no one coming to help me, a 6-7 year old and my infant sister. No protection, no safety and no relief from the fear.
This dream has come to define how I feel emotionally in life, even when people are around and even when things are going good. In the back of my mind that dream and the feelings I experienced in that dream are there wreaking havoc on my thoughts. I have had a number of times where I was forgotten or dropped by people very important to me that have led me to this feeling of almost a "me vs the word" mentality.
These trigger words have helped create a world I haven't at times wanted to keep living in or through and the three things I mentioned (loneliness, depression and suicidal thoughts) all leech onto that worse than a crack addict to money. But that all leads me to the reason I began writing this open letter to you.
The last year of my life has taught me to think outside the proverbial box and try new things instead of just work on giving up. A thought that has been popping up for a long time is "How long do I have to live for others before I can die for me?" which is very hard to protest at times, but something did start creeping around in my mind.
If I'm willing to kill myself, if I'm willing to put the terrifying effort into taking my like why can't I just do stuff that's completely unheard of like just go outside and walk till I see something that stops me. Why not save just enough money and go somewhere new and leave everyone and everything behind and just go. Why am I willing to put a gun to my head but I haven't been willing to go try to get help from places that actually may be able to help.
So lately I've been working very hard on learning new things, traveling and creating a new phrases to say when I'm down. The one that drives me best is "Don't just exist, but live." Because when I'm going through all these depression issues and all, I'm not living my life. I'm not enjoying what life has to offer, I'm merely existing and barely making it. One driving hope I have always had is I want to be that guy that is talking to people and says things like, "Oh yeah, when I was in Ireland..." or "I know a guy in Sweden who..." not to be the name dropper type but to truly be interesting to people I talk to.
To kinda sum up and finish this rant, I have decided to take my own advice and travel to new places and experience what this planet has to offer. My first trip will be taking me to Ireland, where I'll meet people that New Jersey will never allow me to meet. I've decided to try new foods, play different sports and do things I would not have done before.
Hopefully I'll have more to tell you about my new experiences in the near future, have a great day and remember "Don't just exist...live."
