Some Thoughts and Questions I have (April 17 2018)

     Today sure is kicking my butt so far. Being 8 I'm the morning when I'm starting this should explain the feeling behind that statement. Stupid stuff happened already but those physically annoying things aren't what has me as angry and life interrupted as some things that are on my mind. 

Spiritually:

I have been putting much thought into the morals of God and where He wants me to be with my own morals. There are so many intangibles in my life that aren't clear black and white/right or wrong that I need to learn for myself when I should be more liberal and open minded or more hardlined. Cursing, drug use and transgenderism are all major topics I am trying to learn the morals about that are not as clear as I once thought.

Cursing: 

Cursing is an interesting one because society has these specific words right now that represent unChristian like behavior. I don't say that about people who don't believe so much but if anyone sees a Christian and then later hears them curse, the first thought is "I thought they were Christian." 

The Bible does talk about being above reproach, which makes sense, but my question comes when talking about cursing in a non hateful or threatening way. Does God care if I use those specific societal words to express how bad my day is or how big something is or how great some sports game was? 

Like if I said, "Did you see that pass?! It was f***ing epic!" about my favorite hockey player; is that considered cursing in God's opinion? Or does He care more about speaking like: "That guy? He's stupid garbage!" Is that what God considered cursing? Or both? 

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he gets to heaven and Peter gets him and says, "Welcome to f***ing heaven." While I don't think it'll be like that exactly, I do wonder if God is ashamed when a person judges someone else because they have trouble not cursing in some scenarios. 

Drug use:

     Drugs are another very big topic to me, not because I'll ever truly consider using recreational drugs so much but because I do not want to blindly be against or for something without knowing if it's actually good or bad. It's easy to be against most of the hard drugs, there are a lot of  polls and studies that show how dangerous cocaine is but the same cannot be said for marijuana. Does God care if a person uses cannabis oils? And if that's okay by God, is smoking pot okay in any form or amount? 

Again, I'm not saying you should do any of this but I am asking the questions for the sake of knowledge. I have learned that no one side of anything tells both sides of any topic. So I am asking both sides of these topics and I generally try to look at what each side says about the pros and cons. 

Them there's one of my favorite toys to both have a larger understanding of and seemingly know nothing about at the same time.

Transgenderism:

     I do not like straw man arguments but sometimes a strategy makes a good point so I'm going to try to use a strategy without making up a fake argument just to "win" it. 

I have a few questions for those who don't believe trans people are right or exist. One is can a person change their gender? 

If yes: problem solved and we're done here. (I know none of the people I'm referring to would say yes)

If no: if I cannot actually change my gender, then what I'm doing is cosmetic surgery or taking medicine to change my body to help me feel better and as an adult who has been dealing with this issue my whole life and as someone who is NOT doing this for any sexual purpose, I have trouble understanding why people would cut me out of their lives over it. I know the Bible doesn't directly oppose someone being trans and as far as I've studied (which I'm willing to change my opinion of I'm shown convincing evidence) the Bible does not make it clear that transitioning is a sin. 

If transitioning is nothing more than a cosmetic thing and cosmetic changes are the issue for some people, why are trans people so wrong but people getting nose and boob jobs aren't treated with the same fervor? 

And if it's about identifying as the opposite sex, I need much clarification. Should I just ignore my thoughts at all times, never ever "be myself" or "love myself" and hide behind anyone else's ideas of who I am for the rest of my miserable life? To those who I'm talking to, what reason do I have to continue living that life? It's so easy to tell someone else what they're doing wrong and how they're not right but to help them through problems or to give them other reasonable solutions...now that's not quite so easy.

     I know that for each of my thoughts/questions, there are other sides that I am not addressing here. Believe me, I have and will discuss more of each issue, question and consideration in the future.

Just some things I've been thinking about but I don't want to 

make this diary entry TOO long. Thanks for reading.

Updates and Current Thoughts (April 11th 2018)

     A few thoughts:

One thing I've been thinking about a lot is how to get through depression issues. I'm sure you read that and tho0ught, "Well duh." amirite? Okay that may sound dumb but for me, it's a big step to go
from "I want to end myself, why." to "I think I might be able to get through these issues that have been owning me for years now."

My objective for years was focused on when I'm going to die and stop having to deal with all this and fighting that was very hard. Years and years of thinking that way did a lot to keep me down and to be slowly but progressively moving away from that mentally is a very positive thing.

And I'm not saying I'm all better now or even close; I know it's not good to have moments where I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn't alive. I know that and I am continually aware of the fact that I need to be better, especially when I have enough free time and physically ability to do things I need to do, but I'm trying very hard to breathe and take i each moment that I feel any better and every positive moment. I'm trying.

     That actually leads me to one thing my cousin has been talking about and causing me to think about, I'm working on making a plan for the future. The last few weeks/months have felt like a dream or a pause for me. I've gone to work and tried to act like I'm doing things like an adult but I've really just kinda existed and as soon as I wasn't doing things I need to like go to work or whatever I have kinda shut down. I've been like that for a while and that's the other end of my mental growth. Two steps forward and one step back, right?

I'm trying to make that step back a smaller and smaller one.

Updates:

     I've been on estradiol for just about 3 months and there still has been very little physical changes. I keep like staring at the mirror hoping to be shocked at some drastic difference from the day before. And I know the whole watched pot thing...I'm doing exactly that...I know. Doesn't make me feel any better.

     I've been praying more and working on letting God into my life a little more than before and...it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm trying though. Pray for me if you pray and if you don't, pray anyway; if you think it doesn't mean anything then it doesn't mean anything to do it either.

     And lastly, an old friend just messaged me as I was writing this. I had a friend from college that I really thought would not be even willing to talk to me knowing I'm trans. He's a Christian, like me, and I'm very happy to say we talked a little and he's not going to shun me. Really encouraging to hear from other Christians that are willing to not shut me out and actually be a friend. Maybe some day he'll turn from his evil Pittsburgh ways and embrace Philadelphia (if he reads this, he'll get this inside joke)

How To Social

     OH.MY.GOSH. I got a big ol' lesson today in

HOW TO BE BAD AT SOCIALIZING 101

     So here's the story: I have a friend who I haven't seen since my high school days, he was one of the most loyal and real friends I had. As a kid, he could never sit still and as an adult he's exactly the same; he works hard and does what he loves. He's built a great life for himself and I'm super proud of what he has become, knowing where he came from.

With all that said, I am absolutely horrible at being social ESPECIALLY around people I'm not completely comfortable with AM good at being social around people I am comfortable around...oh nonono. I can be just as bad at socializing with great friends as I am with new people or old friends. One thing you can say about me is I'm an equal opportunities antisocial introvert. I'm introverted around ANYONE and EVERYONE.

Back story out of the way, here's the current events:
     I called my old friend (something I'm sure he didn't know was a special act, I HAAAAATE talking on the phone) and asked if he was free; he was. So I went to his house and walked into his back yard, trying to act comfortable somewhere new and uncommon.

He was working on an engine he just bought and had a few friends around, I immediately lost any ability to fake any sense of confidence. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation when cars are the main topic AND I am absolutely terrible in a new group. The perfect storm for me to become the silent nobody I used to be.

I stood there and tried my hardest to not look like I was the most uncomfortable person in the entire city, trying to think of questions that make me sound like I know anything about cars but after 2 questions I was out of ideas.

I have this habit of going to say something and either being too quiet to be heard or just backing out all together but my hands. mannerisms or gestures don't get that message and I look like I'm doing sign language for an invisible class...not exactly a confidence boost when anyone around sees that and calls me out; I got really lucky and caught myself today but felt really dumb and got even quieter after that.

     So I stood there while my old friend and his friends talked about stuff, just about all of it was stuff I have absolutely nothing I know about or could relate to in any way so I ended up just standing there listening to everyone talk. The only thing that kept me from openly curling up in a ball on the floor was they had 2 dogs I played with as much as they would let me.

After standing there for about a half hour, I tried about 16 times to muster up the courage to say I had  to leave. Finally, my voice came through and everyone was surprised that I made a sound and I said I had to go. Everyone there was very nice but I felt like I was intruding and left as quick as I possibly could. As I was making my way to the train all I could think was, "I DO NOT SOCIAL."

Things like that make me never want to be around humans ever again and the worst part is no one else did anything wrong or  rude or even remotely intimidating; I'm just beyond fragile at anything I don't have full confidence in...great.

     Life update:

-I've been on estradiol for almost 3 months now and I see almost no physical change...bummer. In about 2 weeks I go in for another Dr's appointment and I think I'll be starting testosterone blockers so that should be a game changer. My Dr said that starting estrogen first and then adding testosterone blockers shortly after would develop breast tissue best and benefit me most in my transition, I really really hope so.

-I have had an idea for a book/film for a very long time that I have recently been inspired to retry to create. I've been working on the timeline and figuring out the skeleton of the character's stories; I'm pretty excited to feel motivated to get even some of it from my head to paper. It's fun creating a world and this one is kinda deep.

-I just started a semi diet. I am starting slow by taking out some of the junk food I eat, making a cut off time at night when I can't eat and trying to have smaller portions when I do eat. It's been a week now and I've broken my rules a few times but so far it's been okay. My goal is to lose some of my belly fat.

Yet Another Holiday Rant

     Can I be very very petty and let out some major anger? Okay, since YOU said okay, I will. I know holidays are supposed to be recognized as a great family time and a time of thankfulness and such but I live in a different world. I have friends who all have great families, I respect them and I am happy they have that; I never want them to NOT have that.

     I live in a world where I am constantly reminded what true father is and even moreso what a 'dad' is; I also get a very clear picture of what I never had even for a second.

I try very hard not to be petty but once in a while (usually during holidays) it just hits me extra hard how the sperm donor (as my sister and I refer to the human who aided in creating us)  has messed me up in such a lifelong way.

This human has given me, from a very young age, abandonment issues and self depreciating feelings along with teaching me how to be completely superficial and just plain awful. A verbally abusive, historically physically at times and money minded in the worst way person has rarely done anything outside of throwing his money around to be anything positive in my life and as much as I need money, it's not worth any amount to give him any kind of credit.

And here goes the rabbit hole convo:

     I identify as transgendered, I am currently transitioning from male to identifying as female. And I believe that I was born prone to enjoy feminine things and my brain is wired as a female but let's pretend that thi9ngs like this don't happen and that it was purely environmental for the sake of this conversation. If it is completely environmental, then the biggest thing that affected who I am and how I see myself would be the lack of a father figure in my life.

At a very young age, around 2 or 3 or possibly even younger, it was integral for a boy to have a role model to learn from and mimic and ask questions and be loved by and laugh with and be punished by and so much more; I had none of this. Being frank and unintentionally mean, I had three uncles who were as far from role models as could be; they were all kids who did drugs and lived immature lives.

And before anyone says something, I love all of my uncles and think they all evolved into great people even though not all of them got away from things they needed to. Each one of them taught me something important and I'm not insulting them with any of this at all.

Who I AM insulting is the...let's call it a man, who had sex and created a life only to leave that lifeform (me) to the wolves. I'm insulting that human being.

     Well, I had that on my mind for the last few days and needed to let it out.