Updates and Current Thoughts (April 11th 2018)

     A few thoughts:

One thing I've been thinking about a lot is how to get through depression issues. I'm sure you read that and tho0ught, "Well duh." amirite? Okay that may sound dumb but for me, it's a big step to go
from "I want to end myself, why." to "I think I might be able to get through these issues that have been owning me for years now."

My objective for years was focused on when I'm going to die and stop having to deal with all this and fighting that was very hard. Years and years of thinking that way did a lot to keep me down and to be slowly but progressively moving away from that mentally is a very positive thing.

And I'm not saying I'm all better now or even close; I know it's not good to have moments where I think it would be better for everyone if I wasn't alive. I know that and I am continually aware of the fact that I need to be better, especially when I have enough free time and physically ability to do things I need to do, but I'm trying very hard to breathe and take i each moment that I feel any better and every positive moment. I'm trying.

     That actually leads me to one thing my cousin has been talking about and causing me to think about, I'm working on making a plan for the future. The last few weeks/months have felt like a dream or a pause for me. I've gone to work and tried to act like I'm doing things like an adult but I've really just kinda existed and as soon as I wasn't doing things I need to like go to work or whatever I have kinda shut down. I've been like that for a while and that's the other end of my mental growth. Two steps forward and one step back, right?

I'm trying to make that step back a smaller and smaller one.

Updates:

     I've been on estradiol for just about 3 months and there still has been very little physical changes. I keep like staring at the mirror hoping to be shocked at some drastic difference from the day before. And I know the whole watched pot thing...I'm doing exactly that...I know. Doesn't make me feel any better.

     I've been praying more and working on letting God into my life a little more than before and...it's not as easy as it sounds. I'm trying though. Pray for me if you pray and if you don't, pray anyway; if you think it doesn't mean anything then it doesn't mean anything to do it either.

     And lastly, an old friend just messaged me as I was writing this. I had a friend from college that I really thought would not be even willing to talk to me knowing I'm trans. He's a Christian, like me, and I'm very happy to say we talked a little and he's not going to shun me. Really encouraging to hear from other Christians that are willing to not shut me out and actually be a friend. Maybe some day he'll turn from his evil Pittsburgh ways and embrace Philadelphia (if he reads this, he'll get this inside joke)