Goals

     So...where was I last time? OH!...yeah...the swelling everything. My hands, face, feet and swollen unhappy life. So that's not completely gone but it's not nearly as scary now. I still have som,e itching but overall, it's getting better.

     Usually I talk about things that are going on in life and explain whether they're helpful or horrible or whatever. But things I want are on my mind right now and I want to capitalize whenever I am focused in a positive way or on posisitve things so here I go.

     So I have a bunch of things I am thinking about either doing or getting that are currently at the top of my desire list:
   *Cosmetics, cosmetics, cosmetics - Makeup and things that can help change my appearance has been something I want to learn about and master. I have been playing a very little with things like eye shadow and blush that reforms my eyes and that is really fascinating but I am looking to learn more about foundation and concealer.

Another thing I really want us laser hair removal. I have always hated face and neck hair and even if I want transitioning, if still want to get rid of that forever. I don't personally like the hairy look on me or anyone else (not that I'll criticize anyone else, that's just my preference. I don't think it's bad, I just don't like it)

     *A new computer!
I do so badly need a computer to be able to working on videos and edit photos and really to do anything in this day. I'm going to need it to do taxes and check stuff online or use a lot of sites without the absolute annoyance of mobile versions of sites. And to make things really dreadfully bad, when I move I need something, some kind of sounds I can put on to not live in silence. Silence is truly one of the biggest tortures for me personally, I don't know if I could survive with nothing at all to help that.

     *Travel
My cousin and I have been talking about going somewhere for years now and we finally have a chance to actually make that a reality in 2018. Between WowAir and Air BnB, the price is right to take small trips to places like Paris, Dublin or Amsterdam.

I got my passport a few years ago and want to make use of it. The plan is to take a few small like 3-6 day trips throughout the year just to say we did it finally and eventually take bigger trips and make videos documenting my time.

     *Transition
I've already started this process so it's not exactly only a future plan but it's something I want more than almost anything. It's really important for me to be passable as a female and to be successful in this so I can finally identify the way I have always seen myself.

It's been good being able to talk openly about being trans and worrying less and less about who I speak in front of but the next step is physically doing more things that confirm it as real, even if it's just to show others or myself that this is not a dream/not fake. A few friends thought I would grow out of this one I talked it out but it's not just something I thought of on a whim, it is very real and something I'm following through with for me to even try to be okay.

     *Medical things:
There are a number of things I need to finally attend to, and since I just recently got health insurance I want to focus on them. Glasses, a check up, therapy and to find out what I can get help with as far as future cosmetic surgery... Stuff like that.

Ok so that's all for the moment, those are the most important to my current state of living.

Have a wonderful day.

Thanksgiving part 2: Aftermath

     Well, it's been just over a week since Thanksgiving and my life has been one to forget with a few blessings in between. I know it sounds like it on here but in life I really do try not to complain too much unless you catch me at that perfect time when I am at a breaking point. I try to smile even when I don't have much in me to smile about, it's hard but I really give it an honest try.

     So let's get into my past week:

So Thanksgiving was decent, I spent it with friends and their family. That was different, I'm used to some kind of sprawling fight, someone yelling at someone over the turkey and eventually the police showing up for some reason or another and the worst thing that happened this time was a few corny jokes that we all had to endure. It was really good and I appreciate their hospitality.

Later that night, talking to a friend who has been very good to me pretty much since our friendship started,got very upset with me and I inadvertently made said friend cry, which made/makes me feel like crap. It had to do with my decision to transition and I don't think it needs to be explained any further but it made me feel bad in a way.

     Throughout the week, something very strange happened. I was at work, my second to last day before a paid week off, and my hand started to itch...really badly. It felt like my bones were itching and the skin was just in the way. I tried not to scratch too much but I ended up not even noticing when I was doing it and by the end of the day my hand swelled up a little bit. 

That night it ballooned up and my fingers looked like tiny Vienna sausages glued to an egg, it still itched and was kinda numb. The next morning I had to be at work early and because it was the opening shift, I couldn't call out early. I woke up and felt intense pain in both hands. BOTH hands were swelled up twice their normal size and moving my fingers was almost impossible. NOT FUN, especially since I have to ride my bike to work and...well have you ever tried to ride a bike with no hands? Like for the entire trip? Me either and it hurt bad to hold the handles.

     Being a cashier, I have to handle money and  that was torture trying to pick up the change to give to customers and most of them were either scared or worried about me when they saw my bubble hands.

     *Side note, I have to acknowledge this one customer who is a regular. 

She came in and brought her items to the counter and smiled at me, 

I normally have a big smile and talk politely. This time I gave her a barely 

raised lip trying to smile, in so much pain I was tearing up. She returned that 

with a sad look and said something like, "Aww what's wrong? You're normally 

so cheerful and sweet." I told her and raised my hands up and she said some 

nice things like she hopes I get it taken care of and feel better. She is always 

nice and left, leaving me thankful for customers like her. A minute later 

she came back in and pulled me aside; she said she felt really bad and since 

I am always nice to her she wanted to try to make my day a little better. 

She guided me to the candy aisle and asked me what my favorite candy 

is and she bought it. Then She handed it to me and before 

I could deny it, she left. It means the world to me that someone I don't know 

personally wanted to do that small yet big gesture for me.

 

     Back to my story, so I ended up leaving work early and going to the ER. One good thing about having to go there was I found out my Insurance has gone through and I now do have health insurance. I met with a Dr and she told me it's an allergic reaction to something, no idea what though since I haven't done anything different or new. I started taking estrogen about a month ago and I am 

going to look into that but I don't think that's it because the next day my lips swelled up really bad and that happened a few years ago. And the next day I woke up to find welts or hives or whatever you call red itchy bumps all over my body. And the NEXT day I found red bumps that look like bug bites all over my wrists (this morning actually)

     This happened a few years ago when my landlord used a certain bug spray around my room and I think that's what this is too.

Besides that, I've been walking for exercise and that's been really good for me...aaand that's been my week.