Passion, Excitement and my Future

     Passion. Something I've always listed as one of my strongest and most positive traits Something I've always been able to feel on deep level. "He wears his heart on his sleeve" is a phrase that has described me throughout most of my life. Even doing something simple or small, I still feel such passion for anything I do that it becomes a part of my identity.

It's something that I have, to an extent, lost because of anxiety and failures and fears and life. It's kind of scary how I get nervous and  gun shy even when doing things I'm comfortable doing a lot of times. Today, I had a decent day at work. I trained someone on the register and did a good job of explaining things to him, my boss thanked me for training him and making sure to go over things that he said other people don't think of.

And after a few compliments, I thanked him but was so shy and unsure of myself even just in standing there being complimented that I just kinda shrugged at him and shelled up.

I'm not always great at explaining my thoughts but I'll try to express why this was a bad thing and why it made me feel so negative. I said in the beginning that when I do things that I know how to do, I insert a level of passion in those things somehow that kinda make them unique to me.

As in, I put a piece of my heart and soul in things I do or make or whatever. But in doing a good job at work and training a coworker and not letting any anxiety or stress get to me today, I didn't even feel a little passion about any of it.

By the way, not letting anxiety or stress get to me for a full work day was a very big thing, usually things like a line growing a little too long or trying to do multiple things at once sends me into an anxiety attack. So keep that in mind when I explain why today wasn't a good day in a way.

Yeah, so I felt no passion in positive things that happened and that's not good when it's always been so important to me. But the positive take away from today was that the day seemed to fly by and it didn't make me feel like I have an ulcer due to stress. So, I'm not complaining about the day overall, more like expressing some slight concern about one aspect.

     And on to the positive stuff about my current life:

First is the thing I've been embracing more and more, I've been truly working on enjoying becoming Layla. It's actually been harder than I thought to accept that it's not a deep dark secret anymore and that it's a good thing that I'm not hiding my self. It's like I've learned how to be a dude for so long that there are a few areas that I don't know how to be the real me; like I've been lying for so long I forgot what the truth is.

But besides that, it's been really exciting and great to openly talk about my future and learn who is supportive of this part of my life. I went somewhere recently and was called Layla the whole time and at first it felt weird but in a good way and after a while, it felt really good to enjoy being called by my name.

I'm going to be going through the transitioning process within the next two months and I am beyond excited to legally change my name and to finally walk around openly identifying as Layla Jade Gilmore. I've been gathering little things and looking for more things that can help me feel a little more comfortable, mostly jewelry and makeup that I've always wanted to own. One thing I recently got that I've always loved was the necklace from Titanic
(the heart of the ocean...and it's a cheap knock off, I know but still looks good.)

I'm also excited about my hair growing so long. It's taken a very long time but it's finally longer than my shoulders and still going.

I have wanted to grow my hair out very long as long as I can remember but for one reason or another I was not allowed at any point in my life. I dyed my hair lighter and have been taking care of it as it gets decently long, I also have plans to go to a salon and have it professionally done...gonna have to save up for a while for that though. I am thinking about doing Ivory white, like the picture on the right.

Please let me know what you think about that or if you have any other suggestions for hair colors that you like.

And I'm also happy and excited to bring more and more of my friends into my life as I learn who is willing to. I've been adding more of my friends to my new Facebook after respectfully letting them know where I am in life. I just can't get over how surprising it is when someone accepts me and what they mean to me, if you are one of those people I seriously cannot thank you enough for sticking with me whether you agree with my decision or not. It means more than I can explain.

     Well, I hope my ramblings were not too attention deficited for you (...if that makes sense...) it's been a long week and I'm trying to make the best of the bad parts and also excitedly enjoying the positive parts. Thank you for reading and as always, I always appreciate prayers and good thoughts sent my way